Old nurse won't retire

Nurses General Nursing

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I have a work friend, we'll call her Barbara, at my side job. She's over 70 and works part time in the ER of a tiny hospital. Since I've worked there she's given several deadlines of when she's going to retire, the latest of which was this October. She made a beaded necklace with the amount of beads of days left, taking one bead off at a time, sharing with everyone, even the DNS, who took her off on the Oct schedule.

I talked to her yesterday and she let me know that she's changed her mind again. She says that with the cold days approaching, this isn't the right season to retire, she'll just be sitting in her house. She said that she only has to give 3 weeks notice, and hasn't done that yet, and was upset that she was off the October schedule.

Barbara is a very likable woman, but frankly, she needs to retire. She is not very fit, and limps with a bad leg. She calls in frequently, which has a bigger impact on a small hospital. She never had kids and her husband died years ago. She doesn't seem to have hobbies.

I'm afraid that management will start writing her up for her attendance to get rid of her. Even though I love her, she doesn't pull her weight anymore. I don't want to sign up for shifts with her and have to do 3/4 of the work. It'd be a shame to see her be forced out.

One time she told me to let her know when she is starting to slip. Well, that's been going on for a while, but people are being patient since she's been sharing with all about her impending retirement. She needs to retire with dignity as planned .

Vitriol. Okay. :roflmao:

yes, judgmental and full of vitriol.

OMG I'm rolling in the floor laughing. Do you really think I'm at home alone with my 50 cats? Just so you know. I'm a competitive sailboat racer, a member of the National Ski Patrol, I belong to two gyms (one a kick boxing gym), I'm a distance cyclist and belong to two riding clubs, I'm a rappel master and volunteer taking Boy Scouts on climbing adventures, I'm also a carpenter and belong to the local carpentry club. Until recently i was a competitive Scottish Highland dancer and still am active in our local organization. I also knit, restore furniture and make a mean margarita. Organized religion is not my thing for reasons I'd rather not expand on and ummmm no...computer dating is not going to happen. So no I'm not creating the circumstances of my singlehood. It is what it is. You guys are totally cracking me up. Sometimes singleness happens regardless of our wishes or actions and yes sometimes it sucks. But I'm certainly not sitting at home pining away for some man to come into my life and save me from myself.

LOL Your situation may be due to being to awesome and too busy! ;-)

That sounds like an amazing resume! If I were single I'd totally date you!

Well who knows. Like you said life happens. I wish you all the luck in the world though. You sound like an incredible person and someone whom anyone would be lucky to share time with!

Specializes in Psych, Corrections, Med-Surg, Ambulatory.

Even if someone "proudly" insists that they never wanted to be saddled with mate or children, in some cases, it could well be that this is something they say to cope with disappointments in their lives. Not to say there are not people who make those choices sincerely, but the point is that only in very limited circumstances can we say with any certainty that we know anything definite about what seem to be "choices.

The reason you "proudly" proclaim it to be a choice is because you are sick to death of people telling you to "just get out there" and "start meeting people" and "find some hobbies". And the old chestnut "How's your love life?" usually asked loudly in front of an audience, mainly to smugly proclaim one's own coupled status.

There are some things I miss about being single, but not that. And we still don't know what's keeping Barbara stuck.

Vitriol. Okay. :roflmao:

Well, you are of course free to laugh your butt off. But I have to wonder if you've given any thought at all to why several posters perceive you this way based on what you write in your posts? Or have you just surmised that we're all clueless fools?

But how do we know who CHOOSES not to have a family?

Many people will tell you, loudly and proudly, all about it.

That "loud and proud" part appears to be a trigger for you.

A lot of people make the most of the hand they're dealt, but present it to others as though it were a choice. It's called saving face.

If you lie, and people believe you, whose fault is that?

Yes, let's make attempting to save face when random people asks a person intrusive questions about something deeply private, a mortal sin. Of course they don't deserve any sympathy when they lie so egregiously.

I told you about my work ex-partner's situation. Do you think he'd confide in you if you happened to be his nurse and you asked him about his family situation? You can safely assume that he wouldn't. Building the kind of trust required to share something like that takes time, and even then it's not something you share with each and every person you interact with.

Does the fact that he wouldn't share the reason he chose not to have children and perhaps offer up a more light-hearted explanation as a defense mechanism, mean that you would put him in the group of people that you deem unworthy of your sympathy?

He's just one example. There are many people out there with complicated and sometimes painful life stories. They've experienced things that you and I and the rest of us, usually aren't aware of. We're normally privy to a very limited part of other people's lives. To stand in judgment of them strikes me as extremely smug and prideful. Doubly so when you consider that they haven't even committed an act that hurts anyone or breaks any law, legal or moral. So what on earth is there to even judge?

I really don't understand why you've decided that people who choose to not have children, aren't worth sympathy and kindness. It seems really strange to me.

Anyway, my comment was that IF Barbara is one of those people who actively chose never to have a family, then I really have no sympathy for the "old and alone" trope because she chose that.

Trope? That's cold.

I don't see how anyone here could actually know what's happening in the "vast majority" of cases. We can really only speak to our own small samples of self/friends/relatives, and even then, we may not know as much as we think we know.

Even if someone "proudly" insists that they never wanted to be saddled with mate or children, in some cases, it could well be that this is something they say to cope with disappointments in their lives. Not to say there are not people who make those choices sincerely, but the point is that only in very limited circumstances can we say with any certainty that we know anything definite about what seem to be "choices" made by other individuals.

Some people just never meet "the one" who would be their best match, and they decide that rather than marrying simply to avoid being alone, they should probably remain single for the benefit of both themselves, and the "settled for" person. It is a choice in that they reject the notion of marrying a warm body just so they have someone to come home to, but it doesn't mean that they never wanted to find that kind of wonderful relationship or that they did find it and chose to pass on it.

Excellent post Horseshoe with intelligent and empathetic insights.

I agree with other posters that have recommended speaking to your coworker about volunteering.

I volunteer in my spare time at local hospitals and community service agencies and have found it to be incredibly rewarding. I "work" with all age groups but have noticed the majority of volunteers are retirees.

Your coworker may not want to give up the social aspect of nursing, and that may be one of the reasons she is holding off retirement. Volunteering in your hospital would keep her in the social loop.

Specializes in Dialysis.
OMG I'm rolling in the floor laughing. Do you really think I'm at home alone with my 50 cats? Just so you know. I'm a competitive sailboat racer, a member of the National Ski Patrol, I belong to two gyms (one a kick boxing gym), I'm a distance cyclist and belong to two riding clubs, I'm a rappel master and volunteer taking Boy Scouts on climbing adventures, I'm also a carpenter and belong to the local carpentry club. Until recently i was a competitive Scottish Highland dancer and still am active in our local organization. I also knit, restore furniture and make a mean margarita. Organized religion is not my thing for reasons I'd rather not expand on and ummmm no...computer dating is not going to happen. So no I'm not creating the circumstances of my singlehood. It is what it is. You guys are totally cracking me up. Sometimes singleness happens regardless of our wishes or actions and yes sometimes it sucks. But I'm certainly not sitting at home pining away for some man to come into my life and save me from myself.

Wuzzie, I'll adopt you! I'm a repeat offender at marriage and sometimes being single is a blessing. I get what you mean when you say you are single just because, I've been there!

BTW-I knit, but it sounds like you've totally got it going on with hobbies and pasttimes!

Specializes in ICU.
Many people will tell you, loudly and proudly, all about it.

If you lie, and people believe you, whose fault is that?

Anyway, my comment was that IF Barbara is one of those people who actively chose never to have a family, then I really have no sympathy for the "old and alone" trope because she chose that. This comment does not apply to people who did not actively choose not to have a family. The people who are taking this personally, who claim they didn't choose how their life turned out, have no reason to take it personally. If they are, perhaps they need to figure out why that is. In any case, I will comment no further in this vein.

I've been a citizen of the internet for a long time, and I have to say - this is one of the most bizarre and hateful hills I've ever seen someone try to die on. I'm sorry for whatever happened in your life to make you so angry about this.

I have chosen to not have children because I would not be a good mother. Having someone to care for me in my old age is not a good enough reason to reproduce.

As someone who has faced the possibility of having to leave nursing when I really didn't want to (health reasons), try to understand from her point of view. Being a nurse isn't what we do, it's who we are. If she has no kids and no husband, this may be all she has left. You didn't say that patient safety is an issue. If it isn't, just support her the best you can, but be a friend like you said you would and maybe instead of telling her she's "slipping", you could say something to the effect of "I see you seem to be struggling, is everything okay?". If patient safety IS an issue, talk to your manager discretely. It really isn't up to you to say when she should retire. Whether or not she gets written up is up to the manager. I think it would be fine for you to voice your concern to her that you don't want her to get in trouble and maybe suggest (IF you're good enough friends) that maybe she stay PRN so that she's not entirely out of nursing. I know from experience it's a scary thought when you're facing losing something you love so much.

I guess I don't understand how moving slowly is not pulling one's weight...

Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.

I worked with a nurse like that years ago. It was sad, made me cry, actually, to see her asked to retire because she was unable to keep up, and was having serious issues with her health that endangered her practice. Even as a young nurse, I shed tears for a healer who was forced to quit due aging out and being slow.

The comment about people choosing not to have kids, so they don't deserve empathy is a big assumption. The most unselfish people in the world choose carefully not to have kids when they know: the world is grossly overpopulated and they don't want to contribute; they think they would make awful parents for one reason or another; choose to ignore the biological clock screaming at them they must procreate, but intelligently defer to their good sense. It's NOT unselfish to choose not to have babies. Everyone should be able to make such big decisions without such harsh judgment from parents who don't understand their well-thought choices.

Not very nice to insinuate they somehow deserve to be lonely because they either could not, (some people cannot have children)----or chose not, to have children. And before anyone mentions adoption, it's not easy. I was looking into that route, not for just an infant, mind you, and could not navigate all the barriers I would face.

And having kids does not ensure a bright, joyful future as old people languish in nursing homes, kids nowhere to be found, as they are spending their time vacationing, building important careers, raising their own children, in essence, building lives that don't include bothering with aging parents. A host of reasons. I worked in LTC and saw a hell of a lot of sad old folks without visitors whose families lived minutes away. A lot of lonely old people who had lots of kids/grandkids but are still lonely. *No one deserves to grow old alone just because they are obsolete*. Whether they have kids or not.

Often, it's not a choice, but a sad circumstance of being old, feeble, sick and inconvenient that aging is so harsh for some.

Some empathy from coworkers and fellow "healers" is in order here. We all will face this one day unless we die young. I hope to be spared being asked to leave. That would break my heart. I would hate feeling aged-out and useless in my elder years. I feel for this gal. Yes, she should retire, but how sad. It's a shame because I bet she is a treasure trove of experience and stories to tell that would be very interesting. I hope she can retire yet volunteer or something to fill her empty older years.

I guess I don't understand how moving slowly is not pulling one's weight...

It's mainly that in the situation being discussed it wouldn't be uncommon for moving slowly to be accompanied by decreased multitasking. In this setting, taking 20 minutes for IV/labs instead of 5 minutes means all sorts of other things aren't happening during those additional 15 minutes. It's extra time not getting another patient's labs and EKG, not sending another patient for x-ray, not answering phones and call lights and watching monitors and discharging your patients waiting for discharge. Slow people of any age hobble the ED because the rooms have to be turned over and there are people waiting to go into them as soon as that happens. Not only that but there are plenty of patients whose conditions need to be investigated and/or treated in a time-sensitive manner. There's no making lists and pondering what to do first and planning out the next 4 hours of one's time. One can't just sequester oneself for 20+++ minutes for every patient interaction or it's game over.

Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.
I've been a citizen of the internet for a long time, and I have to say - this is one of the most bizarre and hateful hills I've ever seen someone try to die on. I'm sorry for whatever happened in your life to make you so angry about this.

I have chosen to not have children because I would not be a good mother. Having someone to care for me in my old age is not a good enough reason to reproduce.

And I appreciate you for making that choice. The world is full of neglectful, narcissistic, attention-seeking--parent-martyrs already. If an adult knows they don't want kids, they should not have them. I, as a parent, respect your decision. And you don't deserve to grow lonely in your old age because of your selfless decision. In a way, my choosing to have kids despite knowing I had my own issues and knowing how over-populated this country is already with unloved/unwanted/neglected kids, was in itself a bit selfish. But I did not have them to count on them caretaking me in my old years.

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