Old nurse won't retire

[Emergent]

I have a work friend, we'll call her Barbara, at my side job. She's over 70 and works part time in the ER of a tiny hospital. Since I've worked there she's given several deadlines of when she's going to retire, the latest of which was this October. She made a beaded necklace with the amount of beads of days left, taking one bead off at a time, sharing with everyone, even the DNS, who took her off on the Oct schedule.

I talked to her yesterday and she let me know that she's changed her mind again. She says that with the cold days approaching, this isn't the right season to retire, she'll just be sitting in her house. She said that she only has to give 3 weeks notice, and hasn't done that yet, and was upset that she was off the October schedule.

Barbara is a very likable woman, but frankly, she needs to retire. She is not very fit, and limps with a bad leg. She calls in frequently, which has a bigger impact on a small hospital. She never had kids and her husband died years ago. She doesn't seem to have hobbies.

I'm afraid that management will start writing her up for her attendance to get rid of her. Even though I love her, she doesn't pull her weight anymore. I don't want to sign up for shifts with her and have to do 3/4 of the work. It'd be a shame to see her be forced out.

One time she told me to let her know when she is starting to slip. Well, that's been going on for a while, but people are being patient since she's been sharing with all about her impending retirement. She needs to retire with dignity as planned .

[Wuzzie]

When did the sadness of being old and alone become a "trope"?

[Aunt Slappy]

When did the sadness of being old and alone become a "trope"?

When it's used to induce guilt and keep paying a nurse who is not performing satisfactorily in her job and burdening her co-workers with her assignment in addition to their own.

[JKL33]

After thinking about this for a couple of days, the thing I keep coming back to is that there have always been various manner of people who don't pull their weight at work.

Having observed the various permutations of this, I can't muster too much alarm and disgust for the Barbs lingering in workplaces here and there. They're not all that common really, especially in an ED.

Anyway, our current theme of everyone breaking their necks to get from point A to point B AFAP has rained down so much chaos and so many nonsensical practice initiatives that Barb smells like a rose in comparison. Maybe she could get a retirement gig protesting insanity at the 21st century version of Man's Best Hospital.

[Wuzzie]

When it's used to induce guilt and keep paying a nurse who is not performing satisfactorily in her job and burdening her co-workers with her assignment in addition to their own.

Except I don't recall Emergent saying this is what Barbara was doing and I've never worked with anybody who has. I'm just mystified at the degree of vitriol you have towards the situation. Hopefully when you age and are faced with the difficult decisions that come with it you will be met with more compassion than you are displaying now. You might find yourself in the exact same position as Barbara and you cannot say that you won't because you don't really know what your life situation will be.

[Aunt Slappy]

Vitriol. Okay.

[Wuzzie]

Vitriol. Okay.

I've changed my mind.

[broughden]

Frankly it's sucks right now that I go home to an empty house and I'm not elderly yet. Regardless of what you think I DID NOT choose this.

I empathize but in a way you may not have "chosen" this but you did create the circumstances you have found yourself in.

If you dont want to be alone, if you want to meet and possibly marry a significant other, then create the circumstances for that to happen.

Take up some hobbies. Join an online dating site, like Match. Start going to a gym with workout classes aimed for those middle aged and above. Go to church.

Do SOMETHING where you are in contact with other people and meeting new people.

Working and sitting at home arent going to get you what you want, so change things up! I say this from a place of support and hope you find someone to share your life with if thats truly what you want.

As for Barbara...why not put her on triage? Her experience would be invaluable and it wouldn't require as much physical exertion.

[Wuzzie]

I empathize but in a way you may not have "chosen" this but you did create the circumstances you have found yourself in.

If you dont want to be alone, if you want to meet and possibly marry a significant other, then create the circumstances for that to happen.

Take up some hobbies. Join an online dating site, like Match. Start going to a gym with workout classes aimed for those middle aged and above. Go to church.

Do SOMETHING where you are in contact with other people and meeting new people.

Working and sitting at home arent going to get you what you want, so change things up! I say this from a place of support and hope you find someone to share your life with if thats truly what you want.

As for Barbara...why not put her on triage? Her experience would be invaluable and it wouldn't require as much physical exertion.

OMG I'm rolling in the floor laughing. Do you really think I'm at home alone with my 50 cats? Just so you know. I'm a competitive sailboat racer, a member of the National Ski Patrol, I belong to two gyms (one a kick boxing gym), I'm a distance cyclist and belong to two riding clubs, I'm a rappel master and volunteer taking Boy Scouts on climbing adventures, I'm also a carpenter and belong to the local carpentry club. Until recently i was a competitive Scottish Highland dancer and still am active in our local organization. I also knit, restore furniture and make a mean margarita. Organized religion is not my thing for reasons I'd rather not expand on and ummmm no...computer dating is not going to happen. So no I'm not creating the circumstances of my singlehood. It is what it is. You guys are totally cracking me up. Sometimes singleness happens regardless of our wishes or actions and yes sometimes it sucks. But I'm certainly not sitting at home pining away for some man to come into my life and save me from myself.

[gonzo1, ASN, RN]

I'm old too. Be kind and tell her. So she can go out with dignity. She knows the talk is coming soon anyway. Suggest she might like to do some volunteer work somewhere. That's what I tell myself I will do.

[Horseshoe, BSN, RN]

As to the issue of her not having a spouse or kids, and being alone as she ages, the vast majority of the time that's a choice.

I don't see how anyone here could actually know what's happening in the "vast majority" of cases. We can really only speak to our own small samples of self/friends/relatives, and even then, we may not know as much as we think we know.

Some people just never meet "the one" who would be their best match, and they decide that rather than marrying simply to avoid being alone, they should probably remain single for the benefit of both themselves, and the "settled for" person. It is a choice in that they reject the notion of marrying a warm body just so they have someone to come home to, but it doesn't mean that they never wanted to find that kind of wonderful relationship or that they did find it and chose to pass on it.

My best friend is a warm, beautiful, accomplished woman. She could have married many times by now, but unfortunately the kind of men she has attracted/dated have just not been the kind of people who would have made a good life partner. In fact, she did marry once, and was so loving and committed to this man, only to find out that he was visiting hookers on his business trips. He not only fooled her, he fooled every one of us in their acquaintance, as he seemed like a wonderful man and potential mate/father. Growing up, we all thought she would be happily married with six kids by now, and she was open to that possibility, but it has never worked out. Someone looking in from the outside may have "no sympathy" for "her choices," but as a close insider, I have seen that it's oh so easy to make judgments about complicated situations one knows very little about.

Even if someone "proudly" insists that they never wanted to be saddled with mate or children, in some cases, it could well be that this is something they say to cope with disappointments in their lives. Not to say there are not people who make those choices sincerely, but the point is that only in very limited circumstances can we say with any certainty that we know anything definite about what seem to be "choices" made by other individuals.

Back to the OP-I feel for this person. She is experiencing feelings very common to people of retirement age. How will I spend my time? How can I continue to feel like I'm making a positive contribution to this world if I don't work? I'm comfortable in this world I've known for decades, so how do I overcome the fear of trying to learn something new? What if no one needs or wants my willingness to help?

IMO, the solution lies in helping her find some way she can continue to contribute to the world at the same time helping her to understand that the nature of nursing requires more than she may be able to give at her age/condition.

[brandy1017, ASN, RN]

I had a coworker who tried to make it to full retirement but physically couldn't do it, and many of us implored her to retire as she was in obvious pain, hobbling around with a cane, but she insisted she had to work and couldn't afford to retire. I suggested she meet with the social security office which she resisted for a long time, but when she finally did, she found out she would be able to afford to retire and she did so right away. She was fortunate in two ways she had a good pension from the hospital and was able to get social security off her ex husband's record and then switch to her own at 70. This is no longer an option with social security.

It was difficult to watch her struggle, some of it was of her own making because she hadn't saved a dime for retirement and foolishly thought she could just work indefinitely. It surprises me that a nurse of all people would think like this since we have a physically difficult job and we see so many people with chronic illnesses and there for the grace of God go I. You would think this knowledge of all that can go wrong would motivate nurses, especially single nurses to save their money, pay for disability insurance and prepare for retirement, possibly early retirement, but that is not always the case.

I would talk to Barb and suggest it is time for her to retire. But truthfully she may not listen. Alternatively, management could give her an easier job like triage as someone else suggested. In my experience though, most nurses are not given easier jobs when they are older or injured and you have to look out for yourself!

But the reality of this situation should behoove the rest of us to plan for the future, save our money and prepare for retirement, for emergencies and to have disability insurance just in case. This is exactly what I've been doing for a long time. I don't plan to be someone who can't afford to retire. I'm doing all I can to afford an early retirement.

[morte, LPN, LVN]

Emergent, is she physically salvageable?? would aggressive PT and nutrition classes be enough??