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  1. RNikkiF

    Let's talk about Depression

    I have a hx of major depression as well. The past few years have been nothing but major upheaval into family's life. I bece a nurse (a lifelong dream), could only find work in a prison (scary stuff!), my husband retired from the navy ( a lifestyle I had known since I was 19) and we moved from GA to WI. We had to live with my MIL for a year and finally bought our home here. We can't sell our house in GA and DH is a FT college student working part time in a low paying internship.When we moved here, I found a job at an LTACH. The working environment is toxic beyond belief. There's not enough space here to go into detail about that... Cliques, inexperienced and unsupportive mgmt, NO policies or protocols, a new CNO q 1.5 yrs., very very sick pts, backstabbing coworkers... I could go on for hrs.I finally left that job after 7 mos and worked NOCs on an onco floor. NOCs killed me and the entire staff of rns were so passive aggressive that I could only do that for three mos. the new CNO (who just resigned yesterday) called and asked me to go back to the LTACH that I was at before. He promised that things were improving, that the cliques and bullies were being dealt with and that policies and procedures were coming online. I foolishly believed him and went back. Now, things are worse than ever and the environment is so toxic that even on my days off I worry about that place and what it will do to me. I love the types of pts there and I have a very good friend there that I can rely on (she's the only one I can count in there)...Anyway, I feel so depressed and stressed at the thought of going back there for my next shift that I'm completely useless to my husband and kids all the time. All I want is to quit nursing and go back to being a stay at home mom and wife. I'm really good at taking care if them and love doing it when I'm not stressed all the time. I'm to the point that I hate being a nurse.I've rarely seen nurses really support each other unless they are also friends. Nurses who aren't friends tear each other up all the time. I know my depression is situational and probably even seasonal combined but I have got to have a major change. I need an environment that is safe to be in but quitting nursing is not an option since I am the main breadwinner now.I'm exhausted all the time and there are always tears waiting to fall and a lump in my throat. I don't know what to do anymore. There are people who said nurses should know how to handle depression but it is different when it's you. I know how to handle a cancer pt but that doesn't mean that I could handle well if it were me.Sorry so long but this has been building inside me for months.