Old nurse won't retire

[Emergent]

I have a work friend, we'll call her Barbara, at my side job. She's over 70 and works part time in the ER of a tiny hospital. Since I've worked there she's given several deadlines of when she's going to retire, the latest of which was this October. She made a beaded necklace with the amount of beads of days left, taking one bead off at a time, sharing with everyone, even the DNS, who took her off on the Oct schedule.

I talked to her yesterday and she let me know that she's changed her mind again. She says that with the cold days approaching, this isn't the right season to retire, she'll just be sitting in her house. She said that she only has to give 3 weeks notice, and hasn't done that yet, and was upset that she was off the October schedule.

Barbara is a very likable woman, but frankly, she needs to retire. She is not very fit, and limps with a bad leg. She calls in frequently, which has a bigger impact on a small hospital. She never had kids and her husband died years ago. She doesn't seem to have hobbies.

I'm afraid that management will start writing her up for her attendance to get rid of her. Even though I love her, she doesn't pull her weight anymore. I don't want to sign up for shifts with her and have to do 3/4 of the work. It'd be a shame to see her be forced out.

One time she told me to let her know when she is starting to slip. Well, that's been going on for a while, but people are being patient since she's been sharing with all about her impending retirement. She needs to retire with dignity as planned .

[TessLJ]

I texted a hello to Barbara, she ignored. Didn't want to just call her. She and I have socialized a bit out of work. But sometimes she gives me the cold shoulder and won't respond. I suspect she's avoiding me now as she grapples with this. I did want to have a heart to heart.

What about an email?

Why not call her and invite her out for lunch? There's got to be a reason why she seems so torn about retiring, whether it be financial, or social reasons. Invite her out to lunch and then use that safe environment away from work to ask her about it.

I really, REALLY, hope I am not having to drag my behind off to work every day when I am 70.

[TriciaJ, RN]

Personally, I would just let it go at this point. If you have reached out and been ignored, and as sometimes you say she gives you the cold shoulder, then I'm not going to be the person to bring up such a delicate matter. If she brings it up to you, certainly say what's on your heart, but I feel like she's giving you very mixed signals here.

If she is not on the October schedule, that's certainly a sign I would say from TPTB. As you say, a sad situation. This whole thread has made me sad.

I agree with letting it go at this point. OP seems very worried about Barbara, but you can't save people from themselves. If I had a nickel for every hour I spent torn up about someone else's situation... and nearly every time they were bringing it squarely on themselves.

If Barbara is single and childless and has been working all this time, she should have been able to plan ahead for the financial needs of retirement. If this has been the only thing providing her with identity or purpose, then she's in for a pleasant surprise when she discovers what is out there that can give her new meaning and purpose. Barbara is lucky to have such a caring friend but in the end it's her circus and her monkeys.

Wishing everyone the best.

[Aunt Slappy]

I really, REALLY, hope I am not having to drag my behind off to work every day when I am 70.

RIGHT?! I worked with a LPN who was over 70 and still doing bedside care, 12 hour night shifts in inpatient hospice. The units are 10-18 beds, staffed with 2 or 3 nurses and only 1 aide on night shift. It was painful watching her kill herself. She had two generations of perfectly able bodied adults younger than her living in her home, at least some of whom, from what I heard, did not work. Shame on them. But frankly, I thought she should've stood up for herself as well.

She had an ignominious end when the company went through a mass layoff. They looked for discipline problems and high complaint rates first, and she had gotten a lot of patient complaints. I don't know what happened to her after she got laid off.

[J.Adderton, BSN, MSN]

It seems like you have taken her retirement on as a personal issue. However, it is actually a management call if she is not able to pull her weight or continues to call in. It may be that you have taken on "tunnel vision" and have lost ability to see how she actually benefits the team. There may be other options for her, such as decreased hours, revised job role.... but this would not be yours, as a co-worker, to determine. In my years of nursing, I have learned to focus on cleaning up my side of the street and staying in my lane. I do agree if patient safety is a concern, this should be voiced to management.

[BAY AREA RN, BSN]

I'm sure its hard for her to retire because as you stated nursing the pts, and her fellow employees is all she has. she has no kids, husband has died, and maybe she understands that once she retires she will be alone which is scary. Maybe someone can talk to her about what her plans are for her after retirement. Give her the option to always volunteer or even educate future nurses. Yes she now has a limp, don't move around as fast as she use to because her body is deteriorating. As long as she hasn't hurt a pt then she is fine. Its not our place to tell her she needs to retire because she makes the work load harder for others. That conversation needs to be taken up with the proper staff if you feel like a pt safety is in jeopardy. She has given her all to her career and i wish her the best because this will be a scary transition for her when she finally makes it.

[TessLJ]

RIGHT?! I worked with a LPN who was over 70 and still doing bedside care, 12 hour night shifts in inpatient hospice. ...... I don't know what happened to her after she got laid off.

That's very sad. I hate to see anyone exit their career on a low note. There should be some way that some of these older folks that still need to work can be transitioned to positions that aren't as demanding. But, in nursing...where is that?

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

As to the issue of her not having a spouse or kids, and being alone as she ages, the vast majority of the time that's a choice. I have sympathy for people who are alone because they suffered tragedies along the way. However I have none for people who chose to remain alone throughout life and now have the consequences of that choice staring them in the face.

WOW! Just . . . WOW!

Life doesn't always work out as we've planned it. Spouses die, kids also die (a tragedy, to be sure), move thousands of miles away for a job or a spouse or a whim, or become drug addicted and are a burden rather than a help as parents age. Perhaps Barbara married and her husband deserted her for a younger women, she wasn't able to have children or the children aren't stepping up to help her out as she needs it for one of a thousand reasons. You sound pretty judgemental and lacking in compassion.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

That's not what I said at all. I made my statements only about people who CHOOSE not to have a family. You need to re-read what I actually said.

I've read what you said. I still think it sounds cold and heartless. People CHOOSE not to "have a family" (read procreate) for all sorts of valid reasons. Perhaps they were abused as children and choose not to have children out of fear that they will perpetuate the cycle of abuse. Perhaps they choose not to procreate because of a perfect storm of genetic disorders running in their and their spouse's families. Perhaps they tried to adopt but couldn't qualify for some reason outside their control. Perhaps they had nieces and nephews who promised to care for them in their old age but later changed their minds. Maybe they didn't "choose" to be alone, but never met the right person or met the right person at the wrong time.

In my twenties, I chose not to procreate because I was afraid of perpetuating the cycle of abuse -- Mom & Dad abused me because Grandpa and Grandma abused them because their parents were horrible, neglectful parents . . . . I didn't have the maturity to know how to do better. In my thirties, I did have the maturity to believe that I could raise children better than I had been raised, but by then I had left my abusive husband and was divorced. I tried to adopt as a single woman, but was considered a "geriatric". After I spent all of my savings, I still wasn't any closer to getting a child (notice I said "child", not "baby", because I was willing to adopt an older child who would have less of a chance of being adopted). In the 80s, it wasn't as accepted as it is now for single women to be parents.

[vintagemother, BSN, CNA, LVN, RN]

I work with one such woman. She's slow on the computer and has a limp, also. But she's very intelligent and an excellent resource. I don't mind helping her with physical tasks or computer based stuff. She has taught me a lot, as have other older nurses.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

I empathize but in a way you may not have "chosen" this but you did create the circumstances you have found yourself in.

If you dont want to be alone, if you want to meet and possibly marry a significant other, then create the circumstances for that to happen.

Take up some hobbies. Join an online dating site, like Match. Start going to a gym with workout classes aimed for those middle aged and above. Go to church.

Do SOMETHING where you are in contact with other people and meeting new people.

Working and sitting at home arent going to get you what you want, so change things up! I say this from a place of support and hope you find someone to share your life with if thats truly what you want.

As for Barbara...why not put her on triage? Her experience would be invaluable and it wouldn't require as much physical exertion.

It sounds as if you believe that one should run out an join every organization possible in the hopes that you will meet someone who is willing to marry you to keep you from being alone in your old age.

Perhaps Wuzzie has already figured out that it is worse to come home to the wrong person than it is to come home to an empty house. And there is no guaranty that engaging in a whirlwind of social activity will result in a happy marriage to the right person. Nor do we know that Wuzzie is just sitting at home waiting for that perfect marriage to drop into her lap.

Being alone is not always a choice, and unless you have known someone their entire life, you don't know whether it's a choice or happenstance. And even then, sometimes, you don't know.

[BlinkyPinky]

Damn !

Some of y'all witches.

AND - it's no different than the jobs where the Same ppl are ALWAYS on WC , or have called off. Or Skate

Just left one of those places and should have done That ages ago!

That said : it IS sad, IMO. If she's not one of the slackers, but Truly just " too old". IDK. How do you broach it with her , IF you do? Theres only the direct way , I suppose.

[gees_rn]

...I'm just over here still offended by the comments about the younger nurses throwing themselves at doctors and staring at their phones instead of working.

Barb's *moment* will come; she'll suffer an injury she can't come back from or management will sit down with her or something other thinning will happen. I feel like despite what she said she really wouldn't be receptive to the sit-down-lets-talk-about-it from a co-worker, because the fact that she acknowledged that she might need THAT talk someday speaks to her already be clued in that her time is up (for working, not living.)