I worked night shift at my prn job & had a patient due meds so I get them & go to his room meet him & give meds. I look on his wall and there is a familiar photo there. I say to him " whos that girl?" he said "thats my daughter x"....which just so happened to be my cousin. This man was married to my aunt yrs ago although up til then I had never met him. I then told him that I was so & so's neice (his ex) & that my dad was x, his former in law. Well....I was just dumbfounded because I have not had any association with my family in YEARS! I havent talked / spoken to my dad in 5 years...the remainder of family about 7. Me and my dad had a huge disagreement 5 yrs ago & I went off on him & his girlfriend in bad way. . I was still in nursing school at the time. Anyway...he gets up at 3am to talk to me. He asked me about my dad & when the last time I saw him was...I told him a long time ago...I didnt go into any detail...just that we had a falling out & havent spoken since. He tells me "you need to get in touch with him. things arent what they seem. trust me", I dont know what he meant by that. He wouldnt tell me, other than that I needed to find him again. He told me that my dad did not hate me. I have felt like he has hated my guts since that fight. It was sparked by his then girlfriend, now wife. We didnt click from day 1! Anyway, I heard about a year ago that my dads health wasnt up to par. I emailed him this long long email apologizing for all the things I said to him...he never replied back. His wife did, & in her reply email she told me he wasnt interested in reading anything from me & didnt care to do so. So.I let it go...til I met this man who is the 2nd person to tell me to reach out to my dad. I have written an 8 pg letter in full blown detail about my apology etc etc. My family doesnt even know I have a 3 yr old son! I do miss my dad. This pt. told me that it had to be GOD who sent me there that night to work and have him, that we were meant to meet this way. I dont know where my dad is. I am planning on sending the letter to his parents which live out of state & having my grandfather to hopefully mail the letter for me. I think that the apology email i sent last year was intervened by the wife...and he didnt see it. We split when I was 22. Im 27now. Should I go through with this? Has anyone else had a chance encounter like this? Im afraid that if I dont take this pt's advice I might regret it for the rest of my life...what if my dad is really sick ? I wouldnt know...I want the chance to redeem myself and try to fix this. The nurse in me says "how do you know this pt is telling the truth", the daughter in me says "you better do it". This pt knew absolutely everyone in my family. I know he is legit. Im having an internal dilemma between nurse/daughter here. I need some hard core advice. The nurse in me also wants to help my dad if he's sick. There are no other nurses in my family, on either side. Im the only one. The daughter just wants her dad. I would just like to talk to him without that wife being around. I only want to see him, not her, but Im afraid that if he does get the letter, what if she opens it first & doesnt let him read it? I think she would be less likely to do that if my grandparents would put their return address on it. Ugh....help a girl out here folks! I would love to hear from moms, dads, uncles, any and all who can offer me some type of advise on this.
Your post is very difficult to read in block text. Paragraphs will mean that people are more likely to take the time to actually read everything you wrote.
I know you've had alot of replies along this line...but...my dad just died January 29th of this year and I can tell you that regret will eat you alive.
Does your dad live far away? Why not just show up at his office or home with your little boy and make amends in person? I know its hard to swallow your pride and make yourself vulnerable in that way but it would go so far to show your father that you truly care and want to reconcile this relationship. That would also open the door for you to find out IMMEDIATELY what is going on and what your distint uncle meant by "things are not as they seem".
Good luck to you, I hope it turns out your dad just misses you miserably and there is nothing significantly wrong.
Specializes in LTC, Disease Management, smoking Cessati.
Please, please, please reach out, tomorrow may be too late. A lesson learned just recently when a granddaughter put a gun to her chin and pulled the trigger..... you just never know when the opportunity to tell someone how much you love them may not be available to you again. We only get one go round, please make sure he gets your letter, so he knows you wrote.... maybe he didn't even know about the email...
Wow...I am sitting here reading all this encouragement and am brought to tears that my fellow nurses are kind enough to help me find my way. The one about the nurse wants to remain distant and protected and the daughter wants to go home....I would have never thought to put it like that buts its true...And...I have an update. I found my brother on facebook...sent him a message and guess what!....He CALLED ME this am! He said that our dad has had a bunch of stuff wrong in his stomach and some other things but he couldnt name exactly what they were...he doesnt know any medical stuff other than he's been in and out with this problem, whatever it is. I told him I needed help & about my one in a million meeting with our uncle who he actually remembered (go figure, he's 5 yrs older than I am). Anyway,my brother told me that he would help me. He would be calling our dad this weekend to get something set up for me and him to talk without any interference from anybody. My brother and him were estranged for many years and when I found my dad @ age 18 I told him I would find my brother. My dad told me Id never be able to track him, within 3 months I had my brother in the car with me and showed up at my dads house unannounced to surprise him...it was the first time any of us had ever been together at the same time, & unfortunately it was our last. However, my bro said if it wasnt for me that the two of them wouldnt be as close as they are now so he said it was time to return the favor to me. I hope this works. If it does, I can bypass my grandparents. My brother told me that our dad works 12 hour shifts just like I do. He could not believe that I am a nurse. My brother said he wants to get this started so that we can all 3 meet up and introduce our kids. My nephew is 8 now, and my son is 3...should be an adventure. Even if my dad doesnt want any part of it, I think I will still at least be able to get to know my brother again. I gave him my upcoming days off. I think if anybody can pull this off he can. Ive got my fingers crossed. Im just so curious as to what this ailment is and why it keeps coming back. More importantly, is it hereditary. I told my bro that I did not feel comfortable with being around the wife, that I just want my dad and maybe I can merge into the rest down the road. He was in full agreement....these next few days are going to be nerve racking waiting on my phone to ring.
Oh, to answer the ? about where he lives, I dont know anymore.
He used to live an hour away from me, but when he remarried he has apparently moved around several times.
The uncle I met said he was living in the same county as me. Ive done all kinds of online searches and found nothing, no phone numbers no addresses.
Now I know my mom wasnt crazy either, a few months ago she said she saw him at the hospital in the radiology dept...(she works at the hospital) but I told her there was no way because he didnt live around here & it must just be a look alike. She said she didnt talk to him or anything but she was sure it was him.
While I can appreciate the Doctor Phils here, I have different advice: Leave it alone. Do you remember why you had a falling out? Did he choose his wife over the rest of his family? Was it something else? Was he falling over himself trying to get in touch with YOU all these years? Let's face it, people are not hard to find these days, especially with family in the area like you have.
Personally, I wasn't close to my dad, and we'd had that same "falling out." I'd spent enough energy on that relationship. When he died, I let it go. I didn't have regrets.
Parents nurture exactly the kind of relationships they get from their children. Loving? Good for you. Arguments and years without correspondence? Same.
I am glad you reconnected with your brother, and hope you do get in touch with your father. I had a falling out with my mother (actually two of them). The last one was a year ago. I was finally done with her. She had done and said some pretty hurtful things, and I just didn't have the energy to try anymore. Then I found out that she was diagnosed with lung cancer, and everything changed.
Yes, she hurt me, but I had hurt her as well. She did the best she could as a mother. I know she never did these things out of hate or spite. I was finally able to accept her for the person she is. We don't always get along or like each other, we are very different people. But I love her, she is my mother. And I know she loves me.
Now I make sure to call her and see her often. I want what little time I have left with her, want my children to know and remember her. It isn't easy, but I know I would regret not having this time with her. I already have so many regrets....the fact that we didn't spend last Christmas together, and that was probably her last one. But I won't regret anymore. Do whatever you can to see your father again. You never know how much time you have with someone. Make it count.
True. When we were on speaking terms we were alike yet so different. Ive let go of the blame. I just want to tell him that I take responsibility for my part in it to start with.
What hurt me the most was when I was in nursing school I felt like he should have been there for that....just to be an encouragement. I didnt want anything material.
And since Ive been a nurse Ive seen so many of my own patients struggle, more the kids than the pts....the kids get so lost and dont know what to do or they just dont come around at all. I know how nursing staff looks at those relatives that only show up once a year or when crisis care is called in. I dont want to be in that category.
From what I can remember, he is more of a "leave it alone" kind of person and Im more of the "fix it" type to a degree.
sometimes I dont know how to go about it the right way. Nursing has forced me to mature and learn from not just things in the workplace, but in general.
Nursing has taught me how to think more on my feet & learn from stressful situations. Still....this one is still tricky for me but Im giving it a whirl anyway Either way, I have to have some type of answer & closure or a new start.
While I can appreciate the Doctor Phils here, I have different advice: Leave it alone. Do you remember why you had a falling out? Did he choose his wife over the rest of his family? Was it something else? Was he falling over himself trying to get in touch with YOU all these years? Let's face it, people are not hard to find these days, especially with family in the area like you have.
Personally, I wasn't close to my dad, and we'd had that same "falling out." I'd spent enough energy on that relationship. When he died, I let it go. I didn't have regrets.
Parents nurture exactly the kind of relationships they get from their children. Loving? Good for you. Arguments and years without correspondence? Same.
That's my 2 cents.
I can appreciate your point of view. I met my biological father for the first time about 2 years ago. He actually found me on myspace. I was excited to meet him, I harbored no hard feelings for him choosing to not be a part of my life and allowing my mom's then husband (who died shortly after) to adopt me. Our meeting went great, but I quickly realized after a few hours on the phone that his intentions were not for my advantage. He was constantly talking about himself and how "horrible" of a person he is seeking reassurance from me that he wasn't, despite the fact I told him I forgave him many times. He was depressed and I felt like he was only seeking me out as some sort of therapy. He asked no questions about me, seemed to not really be interested in me as a person and my life. He then would call every day, even when I had the flu and told him I was ill he would not stop calling, it was like harassment. I have not talked to him since. I actually didn't feel comfortable. He became irrational and got irate with my mom. I felt a little unsafe so I even had to stop talking to his daughter (my half sister) because I realized she was relaying information about me to him.
However, even with all that, I will eventually seek him out again and give it another chance. It may be too late when I feel that I am ready, but if it is, I have no regrets.
Also, my husband has had a few arguments with his dad. One was my husbands fault. My husband apologize to his dad, and his dad acted like he was accepting his son back. But quickly after, his dad chose his girlfriend over his son (his girlfriend bashed his children and yet he stood by his girlfriends side), and my husband was hurt. It wasn't the first time either. His dad has even gone so far to say he never "loved" his children. I believe that relationship may never work, but my husband has no regrets. It was the father's choice to choose the girlfriend over him.
In whatever the OP chooses, I hope it works out for your advantage. But always prepare your heart for a reaction you may not like.
I think that you should try and reconnect with you father. If there's a way to do it without having to deal with his current wife, then do it. If he is really ill and you don't at least go see him, there could always be a 'what if...' in the back of your mind.
My mother passed away in 2005. She hadn't seen me since 1989. I had heard that she wasn't doing well so I bit the bullet and took my kids to see her. I didn't feel like having it hang over my head that she didn't get to see them. It was only a brief interaction when she was in the hospital but she did get to see them. After I had seen her I knew that she had at most 6 months to live. She passed away a week and a half later. I needed some kind of closure to the relationship and I don't regret going to see her.
I do understand where you're coming from. It may be one of the hardest decisions you'll have to make. If the issues were with his wife, then it would be best to avoid her altogether.
While I can appreciate the Doctor Phils here, I have different advice: Leave it alone. Do you remember why you had a falling out? Did he choose his wife over the rest of his family? Was it something else? Was he falling over himself trying to get in touch with YOU all these years? Let's face it, people are not hard to find these days, especially with family in the area like you have.
Personally, I wasn't close to my dad, and we'd had that same "falling out." I'd spent enough energy on that relationship. When he died, I let it go. I didn't have regrets.
Parents nurture exactly the kind of relationships they get from their children. Loving? Good for you. Arguments and years without correspondence? Same.
That's my 2 cents.
I respectfully disagree. Everyone deserves a second chance in life when it comes to situations like these. If anything, the OP deserves closure and move on in life. Some people (especially men) will be too ashamed, embarrassed or simply assume she (the OP) wants nothing to do with him.
My advice is to be prepared to hear the worst (I don't want to see/hear from you ) or good news, (I am so glad we found each other again and want to apologize). Go with an open heart and mind. People do get older and wiser, open their eyes later, make terrible mistakes and it would be a shame to have him or you go without that final closure.
I have a deeper yet similar story with my mother. Forgiveness is the best thing and closure is a must!
OP, wishing you nothing but the best and good luck!
.thumb.gif.557c5203bd6f06724ecab47703960500.gif){kind=small}
DeeAngel
830 Posts
Your post is very difficult to read in block text. Paragraphs will mean that people are more likely to take the time to actually read everything you wrote.