I worked night shift at my prn job & had a patient due meds so I get them & go to his room meet him & give meds. I look on his wall and there is a familiar photo there. I say to him " whos that girl?" he said "thats my daughter x"....which just so happened to be my cousin. This man was married to my aunt yrs ago although up til then I had never met him. I then told him that I was so & so's neice (his ex) & that my dad was x, his former in law. Well....I was just dumbfounded because I have not had any association with my family in YEARS! I havent talked / spoken to my dad in 5 years...the remainder of family about 7. Me and my dad had a huge disagreement 5 yrs ago & I went off on him & his girlfriend in bad way. . I was still in nursing school at the time. Anyway...he gets up at 3am to talk to me. He asked me about my dad & when the last time I saw him was...I told him a long time ago...I didnt go into any detail...just that we had a falling out & havent spoken since. He tells me "you need to get in touch with him. things arent what they seem. trust me", I dont know what he meant by that. He wouldnt tell me, other than that I needed to find him again. He told me that my dad did not hate me. I have felt like he has hated my guts since that fight. It was sparked by his then girlfriend, now wife. We didnt click from day 1! Anyway, I heard about a year ago that my dads health wasnt up to par. I emailed him this long long email apologizing for all the things I said to him...he never replied back. His wife did, & in her reply email she told me he wasnt interested in reading anything from me & didnt care to do so. So.I let it go...til I met this man who is the 2nd person to tell me to reach out to my dad. I have written an 8 pg letter in full blown detail about my apology etc etc. My family doesnt even know I have a 3 yr old son! I do miss my dad. This pt. told me that it had to be GOD who sent me there that night to work and have him, that we were meant to meet this way. I dont know where my dad is. I am planning on sending the letter to his parents which live out of state & having my grandfather to hopefully mail the letter for me. I think that the apology email i sent last year was intervened by the wife...and he didnt see it. We split when I was 22. Im 27now. Should I go through with this? Has anyone else had a chance encounter like this? Im afraid that if I dont take this pt's advice I might regret it for the rest of my life...what if my dad is really sick ? I wouldnt know...I want the chance to redeem myself and try to fix this. The nurse in me says "how do you know this pt is telling the truth", the daughter in me says "you better do it". This pt knew absolutely everyone in my family. I know he is legit. Im having an internal dilemma between nurse/daughter here. I need some hard core advice. The nurse in me also wants to help my dad if he's sick. There are no other nurses in my family, on either side. Im the only one. The daughter just wants her dad. I would just like to talk to him without that wife being around. I only want to see him, not her, but Im afraid that if he does get the letter, what if she opens it first & doesnt let him read it? I think she would be less likely to do that if my grandparents would put their return address on it. Ugh....help a girl out here folks! I would love to hear from moms, dads, uncles, any and all who can offer me some type of advise on this.
Not everybody deserves a second chance, forgiveness is not always the best thing, and closure is sometimes better achieved without any contact. Some people are wilfully cruel, abusive, deliberately harmful, and brutal. Reconnecting with them, letting them back in, in the hopes that this time will be different, can open a person up to being significantly harmed again - emotionally, psychologically, financially, physically. In some situations the best thing a person can do is cut themselves off from a malevolent presence and try to reconstruct their life.
The people who deserve to be put in emotional quarantine have usually had second and third the thirty-fifth chances. You put up the wall to keep them from having access to something (you!) that they can't handle properly, like putting a vicious dog on a strong chain. They can make all the noise they want to, but they aren't allowed to get close.
You can forgive such a person without ever making contact. Forgiveness is a decision you make in your own heart and requires nothing from the offending party. Put simply (though it may not be simple or easy to do), forgiveness means you acknowledge the person who hurt you as they are and stop trying to make them answer to you. God or the universe or karma will mete out justice, but you let go of the tug-of-war rope.
To clarify, forgiveness does not mean that the hurtful things don't hurt anymore or that they don't matter. It also doesn't mean that everything is "all better." It only means that you will stop striving to make your opponent pay.
The process that does attempt to make things better is reconciliation. That involves re-establishing connection between those involved, learning humility, taking responsibility, caring, making amends, and, if appropriate, rebuilding lost trust. From the literal translation, to reconcile means to make two parts of something match, to get on the same page. It also means to resume cordial relations. This can occur quickly if both parties enter in with humble spirits and are willing, able, and eager to embrace each other again. Or it can consist of a lot of baby steps that take a longer time. It can also be partial in the sense that the relationship can resume on a limited basis with clearly defined boundaries.
If someone continues to offend or has no desire to resolve past issues in a kind and decent manner, you do not attempt to "resume cordial relations," as that only gives them another whack at your pinata. You can forgive and step away from the carnage. The opportunity to reconcile has to be earned.
Forgiveness can take place without reconciliation. But reconciliation can't take place without forgiveness.
Letting go of old grudges and hurts frees you up to move forward in your life, with or without the other person. It's a cleansing act that brings light and fresh air into the dark corners where resentments gather like spider webs. The very fact that it is not dependent on the offender is liberating and gives you the power to walk away.
You can forgive anyone, even if they have no idea, expectation or desire that you will do so. But it sounds like the OP is hoping for some degree of reconciliation. I join in that hope for the sake of everyone in that equation.
To the OP:
I have to concur with the others about not including your son at the beginning. Bring pictures or a video so your father can see what he's been missing, but protect your child until you know what you're dealing with. Even then, start slow and build a little bit at a time, as trustworthy actions warrant.
I hope this goes very well for you and your family. I admire your courage and caring.
I have a feeling things are going to go very well here for all involved. I'm glad your brother is helping you out. Please keep us posting. Hugs and good luck.
To the OP: we all communicate with people we love, can't stand, or just don't care about. You are being the bigger person here. Go with YOUR gut. You found your brother, you found your father, you've done the work; now work for the benefits of your finds.
Specializes in Vents, Telemetry, Home Care, Home infusion.
My younger brother was estranged from family for 1st ten years of his marriage. My mother was beside herself not knowing what had happened to him and wanted to hire detectives. Just happened to have a homecare patient living in same town as his MIL (where he lived when1st married), so I stopped at MIL home to get address....luckly his wife was visiting and told me she'd tried for years to get bro to call parents. That was 16 years ago.
Just last month, I learned how hard it was on him after I got married as Mom lived through her children. He so glad that I reached out and has been trying to make up to parents for his stubbornness. He now drives 3 hrs to go to Phillies home games with my Dad as they have season tickets together.
Not all situations can be resolved but giving it one more chance to have any relationship, even if just via email, may ease your spirits.
my husband was a peri-menopausal baby who had a college sophmore sister when he was born.
they were never close in the way that siblings usually are. her kids are within a decade of our ages.
she refers to us, to this day, as "you kids." drives my husband absolutely nuts, but it doesn't bother me at all.
she will be 80 next month, is diabetic, and blind from macular degeneration. i have tried to encourage a relationship between them for a quarter century without succuss, but now they're communicating fairly regularly by e-mail and phone. i have always stayed in touch with our nieces and their kids. i think telling him what his nieces have shared, what my brother in law says in his latest e-mail, and nudging him until he calls just to say, "hi" all help him stay closer than he would otherwise be.
he thought my extended family was strange because we are so close. now he likes it and feels as though he has a second family. even though you might not get quite what you would like, contact will either
provide closure or a new relationship for both of you.
I had not even thought as far ahead about him meeting my son but holding off on that aspect does make good sense and I agree. My brother told me he would be calling again today since he's off work. He was unable to get our dad on the phone the first time because he was working too. He seems very confident that he can get this done. I'm nervous and skeptical at the same time.
If my dad agrees to talk to me I hope to arrange a face to face meeting just us and see how it goes.
I would hope he'd be proud that I made something of myself. He has no idea that my career is in nursing. I think that's partly why I'm so curious as to what his ailment is.
Maybe this was why god led me to work at this place prn to start with. Maybe it was meant for my path to collide with my former uncle who knows
I'm just ready to get this all over with and get answers
isn't it weird how I things work out? I went to work intending to help others and instead got help or a boost rather that may help me from a pt.
Still waiting on him to call my brother back. My brother said that he is working for the next 7 days or so...but he left a message with that wife to have him call him back. Ive been keeping in touch regularly with my brother to get updates on this. I still hope he can come through for me.
He is my best shot at getting this done.
If my dad does call, I wonder what the best way to start off the conversation would be? I havent even let my mind wander that far ahead yet.
what about just a simple "i've missed you daddy. i love you" and hug the heck out of him. and don't worry about what you will say. God is working in your lives right now. I have a feeling that there won't be much talking at first and a lot of hugging. It's amazing how time really does heal wounds. stop worrying!
the advice you've been given is excellent. don't wait to get in touch with your dad because you may live to regret it someday if you do.
i was a senior in college. it was what was then called "easter break." i had gone home and, as usual, the three of us spent the weekend with my great aunt, who lived 150 miles away. my relationship with
my dad had always been warm and loving, but from christmas break until then, we'd argued and fought constantly. when we got home again, i still had a night at home planned and i would go back to school monday morning. about two hours later, after yet another argument over nothing important, i got in my car and drove back to school, after telling my dad exactly what i thought of him and his old fashioned ideas. he knew intellectually that i didn't mean what i had said, but the look on his face said it all.
monday evening, my phone rang. it was my mom. he had suddenly, and with absolutely no warning signs, dropped dead of a massive mi in the middle of a meeting. they could not revive him. he was
only 52. he was buried on the day i would have graduated.
the advice you've been given is excellent. don't wait to get in touch with your dad because you may live to regret it someday if you do.
i was a senior in college. it was what was then called "easter break." i had gone home and, as usual, the three of us spent the weekend with my great aunt, who lived 150 miles away. my relationship with
my dad had always been warm and loving, but from christmas break until then, we'd argued and fought constantly. when we got home again, i still had a night at home planned and i would go back to school monday morning. about two hours later, after yet another argument over nothing important, i got in my car and drove back to school, after telling my dad exactly what i thought of him and his old fashioned ideas. he knew intellectually that i didn't mean what i had said, but the look on his face said it all.
monday evening, my phone rang. it was my mom. he had suddenly, and with absolutely no warning signs, dropped dead of a massive mi in the middle of a meeting. they could not revive him. he was
only 52. he was buried on the day i would have graduated.
update: i talked to my brother this am, he said that he did finally talk to him & that he gave him my#, however that was 2 days ago & still no call from my dad. from what my brother told me, he was still hurt by what i said 5 yrs ago...which i get but come onnnn!!!
[color=#708090]i asked him if he said he would call or not....he said he would but didnt know when. i immediately got a feeling in my gut telling me that he isnt intending on calling me. if he does, ill be shocked.
[color=#708090]i think ive done my part here, but he has to meet me half way or not at all. he also has to acknowledge his part in the whole thing also...it wasnt just me.
[color=#708090]if he doesnt call, then...i guess ill have no choice but to drop it. ill cease my efforts. the ball is in his court now. i tried.
rn/writer, RN
9 Articles; 4,168 Posts
You can forgive such a person without ever making contact. Forgiveness is a decision you make in your own heart and requires nothing from the offending party. Put simply (though it may not be simple or easy to do), forgiveness means you acknowledge the person who hurt you as they are and stop trying to make them answer to you. God or the universe or karma will mete out justice, but you let go of the tug-of-war rope.
To clarify, forgiveness does not mean that the hurtful things don't hurt anymore or that they don't matter. It also doesn't mean that everything is "all better." It only means that you will stop striving to make your opponent pay.
The process that does attempt to make things better is reconciliation. That involves re-establishing connection between those involved, learning humility, taking responsibility, caring, making amends, and, if appropriate, rebuilding lost trust. From the literal translation, to reconcile means to make two parts of something match, to get on the same page. It also means to resume cordial relations. This can occur quickly if both parties enter in with humble spirits and are willing, able, and eager to embrace each other again. Or it can consist of a lot of baby steps that take a longer time. It can also be partial in the sense that the relationship can resume on a limited basis with clearly defined boundaries.
If someone continues to offend or has no desire to resolve past issues in a kind and decent manner, you do not attempt to "resume cordial relations," as that only gives them another whack at your pinata. You can forgive and step away from the carnage. The opportunity to reconcile has to be earned.
Forgiveness can take place without reconciliation. But reconciliation can't take place without forgiveness.
Letting go of old grudges and hurts frees you up to move forward in your life, with or without the other person. It's a cleansing act that brings light and fresh air into the dark corners where resentments gather like spider webs. The very fact that it is not dependent on the offender is liberating and gives you the power to walk away.
You can forgive anyone, even if they have no idea, expectation or desire that you will do so. But it sounds like the OP is hoping for some degree of reconciliation. I join in that hope for the sake of everyone in that equation.
To the OP:
I have to concur with the others about not including your son at the beginning. Bring pictures or a video so your father can see what he's been missing, but protect your child until you know what you're dealing with. Even then, start slow and build a little bit at a time, as trustworthy actions warrant.
I hope this goes very well for you and your family. I admire your courage and caring.
I admire your courage and caring.