I worked night shift at my prn job & had a patient due meds so I get them & go to his room meet him & give meds. I look on his wall and there is a familiar photo there. I say to him " whos that girl?" he said "thats my daughter x"....which just so happened to be my cousin. This man was married to my aunt yrs ago although up til then I had never met him. I then told him that I was so & so's neice (his ex) & that my dad was x, his former in law. Well....I was just dumbfounded because I have not had any association with my family in YEARS! I havent talked / spoken to my dad in 5 years...the remainder of family about 7. Me and my dad had a huge disagreement 5 yrs ago & I went off on him & his girlfriend in bad way. . I was still in nursing school at the time. Anyway...he gets up at 3am to talk to me. He asked me about my dad & when the last time I saw him was...I told him a long time ago...I didnt go into any detail...just that we had a falling out & havent spoken since. He tells me "you need to get in touch with him. things arent what they seem. trust me", I dont know what he meant by that. He wouldnt tell me, other than that I needed to find him again. He told me that my dad did not hate me. I have felt like he has hated my guts since that fight. It was sparked by his then girlfriend, now wife. We didnt click from day 1! Anyway, I heard about a year ago that my dads health wasnt up to par. I emailed him this long long email apologizing for all the things I said to him...he never replied back. His wife did, & in her reply email she told me he wasnt interested in reading anything from me & didnt care to do so. So.I let it go...til I met this man who is the 2nd person to tell me to reach out to my dad. I have written an 8 pg letter in full blown detail about my apology etc etc. My family doesnt even know I have a 3 yr old son! I do miss my dad. This pt. told me that it had to be GOD who sent me there that night to work and have him, that we were meant to meet this way. I dont know where my dad is. I am planning on sending the letter to his parents which live out of state & having my grandfather to hopefully mail the letter for me. I think that the apology email i sent last year was intervened by the wife...and he didnt see it. We split when I was 22. Im 27now. Should I go through with this? Has anyone else had a chance encounter like this? Im afraid that if I dont take this pt's advice I might regret it for the rest of my life...what if my dad is really sick ? I wouldnt know...I want the chance to redeem myself and try to fix this. The nurse in me says "how do you know this pt is telling the truth", the daughter in me says "you better do it". This pt knew absolutely everyone in my family. I know he is legit. Im having an internal dilemma between nurse/daughter here. I need some hard core advice. The nurse in me also wants to help my dad if he's sick. There are no other nurses in my family, on either side. Im the only one. The daughter just wants her dad. I would just like to talk to him without that wife being around. I only want to see him, not her, but Im afraid that if he does get the letter, what if she opens it first & doesnt let him read it? I think she would be less likely to do that if my grandparents would put their return address on it. Ugh....help a girl out here folks! I would love to hear from moms, dads, uncles, any and all who can offer me some type of advise on this.
I respectfully disagree. Everyone deserves a second chance in life when it comes to situations like these. If anything, the OP deserves closure and move on in life. Some people (especially men) will be too ashamed, embarrassed or simply assume she (the OP) wants nothing to do with him.
My advice is to be prepared to hear the worst (I don't want to see/hear from you ) or good news, (I am so glad we found each other again and want to apologize). Go with an open heart and mind. People do get older and wiser, open their eyes later, make terrible mistakes and it would be a shame to have him or you go without that final closure.
I have a deeper yet similar story with my mother. Forgiveness is the best thing and closure is a must!
OP, wishing you nothing but the best and good luck!
I can see both sides of the story here and I am really not a very forgiving person BUT the OP does say that she misses her dad and seems to want to contact him. When its too late, its permanently too late.
the advice you've been given is excellent. don't wait to get in touch with your dad because you may live to regret it someday if you do.
i was a senior in college. it was what was then called "easter break." i had gone home and, as usual, the three of us spent the weekend with my great aunt, who lived 150 miles away. my relationship with
my dad had always been warm and loving, but from christmas break until then, we'd argued and fought constantly. when we got home again, i still had a night at home planned and i would go back to school monday morning. about two hours later, after yet another argument over nothing important, i got in my car and drove back to school, after telling my dad exactly what i thought of him and his old fashioned ideas. he knew intellectually that i didn't mean what i had said, but the look on his face said it all.
monday evening, my phone rang. it was my mom. he had suddenly, and with absolutely no warning signs, dropped dead of a massive mi in the middle of a meeting. they could not revive him. he was
only 52. he was buried on the day i would have graduated.
One of two things will happen if you reach out to your father and actually get to communicate with him directly without the wife getting in the way...
1. You reach out to him and he doesn't want anything to do with you. You'll end up feeling embarrassed that you valued someone more than they were worth and got shot down. You'll hurt your pride and ego.
2. You reach out to him and he'll tell you he's missed you for the last five years and is so happy to finally be able to talk to his daughter again and that all is forgiven/forgotten. You'll end up feeling relieved and wonder why you hadn't done this sooner. Your life will be more peaceful than it was before and your child will get to know his maternal grandfather.
There's a possibility of number 1 happening, but what if in fear of being faced with number 1, you miss out on number 2? Is the potential for a little bit of embarrassment worth missing out on number 2?
1. You reach out to him and he doesn't want anything to do with you. You'll end up feeling embarrassed that you valued someone more than they were worth and got shot down. You'll hurt your pride and ego.
Or, you reach out to him, and he doesn't want anything to do with you. You end up feeling thankful that you made the effort and understand that, for whatever reason, he is not ready or willing to connect at this time. You forgive him and decide to love him from a distance and move on in your life with a clear conscience.
There is a third possibility, as well.
3. You reach out and make a connection with each other. You're both sorry for the lost time and the mistakes that were made, and you decide to get to know one another again for the sake of all involved. There are some awkward moments and some false steps along the way, but your son gets to know his grandfather and uncle and cousin. You find that your relationship is not perfect and it takes some work, but you come to the conclusion that it's worth the effort.
The third possibility seems the most likely. The second would be magical. But even the first choice is a step forward.
You've been given a great deal of good advice, so I'm just going to add one thing. If you do go to see your father, I suggest you not include your child in the first meeting. It might sound a little odd or harsh, but here's my (anecdotal and therefore logically limited) reasoning:
There has been considerable upheaval in my extended family, and it eventually resulted in an estrangement (believe me, it was well-justified and the individual who initiated it does not regret it). Before the estrangement began, there were major clashes, one of which took place in front of an infant (it included someone throwing a heavy object, grazing the woman who had recently given birth to the infant).
Today, the people involved still live in the same area and they occasionally bump into each other in public places. The volatile side does not hesitate to initiate arguments during these encounters, in front of the child mentioned above, who is now old enough to be afraid during the argument and to comprehend some of what is being said. The volatile side certainly wouldn't hold back due to the presence of a child if an olive branch were extended - it has been tried, with ugly results.
So while your intention may be to hold a civil reunion with your parent, sometimes the situation doesn't play out as you hope or expect it will. I still firmly endorse you seeking out your father, because it sounds as though your conscience would trouble you if something happened to him and you hadn't tried to get back in contact. We can never reclaim lost opportunities, and the ones we lose haunt us for all time. However, until you have met your father face-to-face and have a feel for the situation, I suggest you not bring your child into it. Call me overcautious, but it seems reasonable to protect your child when venturing into the relative unknown. Plus, it will give you and your father a chance to talk in person on your own, without you having to keep track of a three-year-old at the same time!
It's just food for thought. I wish you the best of luck in attempting to mend this relationship.
I didn't meet my father until I was 26, it was really hard, I had/have a wonderful relationship with my mom's side (who I really feel is my family, far more than my dad's side even after I met them), but I always felt like I was missing something. Every man I walked by that looked like how my mom described my dad to look like, I would wonder if it was him. Every time I dated a man I wondered if he would leave me like my dad did all those years before.
So I finally had to find him. I had a friend help me find his information, wrote a short letter, not placing any blame, just a short bio about me... that I had recently graduated from college, what my degree was in, that I figure skated, kept it very neutral. I also enclosed a photo and my phone number. A few days later he called me. We spoke on the phone for a few weeks and then we went out to dinner.
At first it was nice, but soon I realized why my mom didn't want him around me in the first place. I found, though, to get closure, is that I needed to realize for myself that he wasn't the man/father I ever thought he'd be. I don't keep in touch with him any more, and I am much happier with it that way. But do send something to him, because there is nothing worse than what if...? It's a hard thing to go through, but feel free to PM me if you want. *hug*
IMHO even if the guy is lying I think you should give it a try, I mean you don't lose anything if you write to him, the worst case escenario would be that he won't respond you back. There's nothing more wonderful in life that a good relationship with your parents. Good luck
Please please dont waste any more time on the "what if's?" Life is so short, so very very short! I believe God works in so many ways and that He spoke thru you to me. I, myself, am struggling with similar issues so I must practice what I preach! I agree with the others when they say not to get into your issues with the wife and mailing a long apology! Say what its important to the 2 of you, not his wife! You will do fine, just pay attention to the signs around you and pray abt it! Good luck!
Specializes in Dialysis,M/S,Home Care,LTC, Admin,Rehab.
Oh Sasha...hugs and love to you. It must be terribly difficult to "put yourself out there" and risk feeling pain and rejection again. No one deserves that from a parent. Personally, I would go through with it and reach out. Then it is in your father's hands, so to speak, and then you can be settled, knowing that you responded and did everything you could. I hold you in light, and please know that everything occurs in our lives in perfect timing, for the perfect reasons. Hang in there sweetie, and keep us posted, ok?
Specializes in Labor/Delivery, Pediatrics, Peds ER.
I have a friend who was in the opposite situation - her son was very rebellious and troublesome and hurt his family deeply and apparently deliberately many times. The mom is a very loving person, but she had finally cut the ties as she said it was too much and that he had burnt too many bridges behind him. She said he would stay away for years and only come back to try to make her feel guilty over his misspent youth.
Earlier this year, he made contact and wanted to see her. She didn't want to do it as she was sure he was only coming back to hurt her and then would leave again. She finally agreed to talk with him and found that he had terminal cancer. She was still wary, but we encouraged her the same as you've been encouraged - that they needed to have time to set the past behind them and come together in the time they had left. She was very skeptical and wary, but she said when she saw "her baby" all the past washed away and all she wanted was to patch up their relationship. He never gave her any trouble from that time on and went out of his way to be thoughtful to all the family he had hurt. He passed away a few days ago. She is so heartbroken over his death, but so glad she took the chance and had the gift of a renewed relationship with him and good memories of precious times together after so many lost years.
I also encourage you to meet with your father and I'd do it without kids. Think of it as a time for you to say you've missed him and to let him know what you've been doing in your life. I would include as little of his current wife as possible in the conversation. This is your time to reconnect with your dad, to work on that relationship. If things go well and he'd like to meet his grandson, it should be no problem to setup a time for that. So I guess I'm saying focus on the one relationship, or if you brother needs to be there then the relationships between you three.
Obviously I know nothing of the OP's situation except what she's told us, and I'm happy for her to be the best judge in her case - it certainly sounds as though at least part of her wants to try reuniting with her father, and I agree with members who suspect she's torn because of fear of being hurt again, as well as those highlighting the potential benefits (even if it doesn't go as she hopes).
But I have to comment on this:
I respectfully disagree. Everyone deserves a second chance in life when it comes to situations like these... Forgiveness is the best thing and closure is a must!
Not everybody deserves a second chance, forgiveness is not always the best thing, and closure is sometimes better achieved without any contact. Some people are wilfully cruel, abusive, deliberately harmful, and brutal. Reconnecting with them, letting them back in, in the hopes that this time will be different, can open a person up to being significantly harmed again - emotionally, psychologically, financially, physically. In some situations the best thing a person can do is cut themselves off from a malevolent presence and try to reconstruct their life.
I'm not saying this is the case for the OP, but it will be for some members of this community. It may certainly be the case that second chances, forgiveness and closure through renewed contact are best much of the time, but not all the time, for everyone.
CrazierThanYou
1,917 Posts
I can see both sides of the story here and I am really not a very forgiving person BUT the OP does say that she misses her dad and seems to want to contact him. When its too late, its permanently too late.
I, too, wish you the best.