I've noticed a trend of coworkers in their 40s-60s raising their own grandkids.
I don't have grandkids yet even though I have a large number of adult offspring. My kids are all super responsible, maybe that's why. LOL, don't know where they got that from!
I've noticed that meth seems to be a huge problem leading to this. It's definitely a growing phenomenon in America today. Extended family is great, but this trend is disturbing because it results from societal decay that affects us all. Many of our young people are unprepared for parenthood and adulthood in general.
I applaud you grandparents who are stepping up to save these kids. I've told my kids that, no way will I raise grandkids, I need a break after raising so many of my own, but I'd love to babysit a lot when I finally get some. But, there's a problem in our culture. We've lost our bearings somehow.
Specializes in Case mgmt., rehab, (CRRN), LTC & psych.
Back when our parents were raising us, it was uncommon for there to be marital issues. If there was a divorce, most locals would know about it and avoid those people.
I suppose this depends on one's age range. I'm 34 years old. Most of my childhood classmates had divorced parents during my growing-up years. I was one of relatively few kids whose parents were still married.
However, my parents had extreme marital problems when I was a child. My father used drugs, drank excessively, beat my mother, destroyed household furniture, and engaged in all sorts of disturbing behavior. At times I had wished my mother divorced my father so I wouldn't be plagued with bad memories.
Specializes in Critical Care, Med-Surg, Psych, Geri, LTC, Tele,.
And just to play devil's advocate here, I have seen just as many grandparents who have significant control issues, disillusioned at the thought of an empty nest, can't seem to let go of their kids, dislike their kid's partners, who will fight tooth and nail to get ahold of their grandchild. To use as a giant pawn. To ease the ache of needing a child's unconditional love. To prove something. To be in control of a situation. To feel better about themselves. To passive-aggressively moan and groan about how "hard" it is, but at the same time wanting that praise and admiration. And the sad part about it is that then you have a kid who, no matter how well intended (or not) a grandparent is, is not their parent. And that feeling of abandonment doesn't go away--but is acted out in a variety of ways.
Unfortunetely, that then becomes wounded people who raise wounded kids, and just to make it stick, raise wounded kids again.
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Thank you, Jade, for bringing up an issue relevant to me. 😓
I have spent some sad days and nights trying to figure out why the parents who abused me, who I forgave; decided to teach my teenaged kids that I, who never did anything near as bad to my own children, was an abusive parent.
jadelpn used a very apropos word - 'wounded kids'. Doesn't explain the exact nature of the 'wound', but it does identify being 'wounded' as critical to the situation. Doesn't matter if it pertains to the parent or child, there's a wounded party in the mix.
In my extended family it was a result of parents raising their children with every toy, fashion, gadget etc... and not even requiring a chore in return. When these children grew up and had children, they had ZERO cooking, cleaning, organizational, or working skills. All three of them dropped out of their fancy colleges when it got hard and returned home. Their mother is now raising her great grandchildren after raising her grands despite her multiple health problems and age (69). I do remember her chasing away all of the young men who wanted to marry her attractive daughters and convincing her daughters to not let them sign the birth certificates after the babies were born. She is afraid of being alone and is a control freak.
I remember a conversation with a co-worker which he mentioned his retirement plan was "to be able to raise his grandkids". His daughter was only 2 at the time. I asked why on earth he would need to even THINK to plan for that. He said "I can guess who you voted for". (Romney, at the time.. he would have been right). I realize disasters might happen, our kids might not grow up to be what we had hoped and dreamed and might produce kids that need a loving grandmama to care for them in place of our precious child who SHOULD be their parent. In that case, YES. I WIll stand up and take care of them. I don't care if my arthritis or spondylolisthesis is killing me... I will do what is needed. However, as the parent of a 5yo little girl, right NOW I plan to do things as right as I can. Now, and in the future, I want to teach her to respect herself. If she NEEDS birth control, I want to be available to listen and bring her to a provider. I want to do everything I CAN to prevent an early pregnancy. If such a thing happens, I will respect it as the life that it is.
Grand Parents raising there grand kids has been around as long as I can remember, I don't see it being more today than 30 years ago.
You need to pay closer attention to the news. This issue is very much more prevelant these days, particularly in areas of the country hard hit by meth and heroin epidemics. There are some small cities and towns where seemingly an entire generation of young parents has been lost to drug overdose or jail.
I really appreciate what jadelpn said about what the other side of the coin might possibly look like. Sometimes there are indeed some very sick family dynamics going on.
You need to pay closer attention to the news. This issue is very much more prevelant these days, particularly in areas of the country hard hit by meth and heroin epidemics. There are some small cities and towns where seemingly an entire generation of young parents has been lost to drug overdose or jail.
I don't watch the news, it's biased. I watch life.
With abortion and birth control so easy to get in USA. You can buy the morning after pill OTC. I remember trying to buy condoms at a 7/11 when I was like age 15/16 and the clerk not selling it to me, back in the like 1980.
We had a meth issue for decades in USA, and years ago you couldn't walk into a night club or a party without someone passing you a nosehitter full of cocaine....... It was just part of the times.
And the designer drug Eve and then X was legally sold at bars, back in my late 80's.....
As a grandparent who has (temporary I hope) custody of my granddaughter, let me assure you I have no such control issues. I did not foresee this but it has happened. So I gathered my village and will raise a child. Again, temporarily is the key but one never knows. There are so many things wrong with this world and my bright and beautiful daughter fell prey to some of them. I don't want control but have it for now...
My maternal grandmother had a total of 23 grandchildren and raised some of them at various points in their childhoods and adolescence. Unfortunately, drug abuse was very prevalent in my family at one point in time, especially when the crack epidemic struck in the 1980s.
My grandmother was a widow who lived in poverty, so the grandchildren who lived with her also lived in material poverty.
I also come from a hometown with a high teen pregnancy rate. Many of these girls have no job prospects, so it is common for youngish grandparents (mid 30s to mid 50s) to financially support a multigenerational living arrangement complete with up to four generations under one roof (young kids, teen mom, middle-aged grandparents and elderly great-grandparents).
The youngest grandparent I met was 29 years old. She gave birth at 14, and her daughter have birth at age 15. The cycle repeated itself quickly.
The youngest grandmother I met was 26. She had her daughter at 13 and her daughter had a son at age 13. The grandmother bought the baby into the ER for fever, while the mom was at an after school program. When she said "grandmother", I stuttered a little bit due to shock! I'm 29, and I can't even see myself with my own kids yet...most definitely not a grandchild!!!
I suppose this depends on one's age range. I'm 34 years old. Most of my childhood classmates had divorced parents during my growing-up years. I was one of relatively few kids whose parents were still married.
However, my parents had extreme marital problems when I was a child. My father used drugs, drank excessively, beat my mother, destroyed household furniture, and engaged in all sorts of disturbing behavior. At times I had wished my mother divorced my father so I wouldn't be plagued with bad memories.
Sounds like my parents. Wow. I had to see if I wrote this. But I'm 32 not 34. Lol
I wish my mom divorced my dad too. Not all 2 parent households are cake.
Specializes in Psych, Addictions, SOL (Student of Life).
While I honestly would not hesitate to raise my grandchild I hope I don't have to as my son is 13 and I'm already 52. Still honestly whose fault is it if our children are not prepared for adult responsibility. True any kid can go sideways for just about any reason (it doesn't) have to be drugs but I have seen an alarming trend of what I'll call 20-somethings just floundering along through life. No goals and no direction. I blame a lot of it on the do whatever you want mentality that says any wrong path you take is someone else's fault. I was raised by no nonsense parents who didn't allow us to make excuses and taught us to take ownership of our actions. My brother became a father at 18 my dad told him, "Son life as you know it has changed forever. That child is now and adult and father in his own right and a fabulous young man. My son has many goals which are realistic and has thought out with our help clear pathways for getting where he wants to be in life. He has long wanted to be in the military and is already working hard and cultivating contacts and service opportunities to hopefully get an appointment to one of the military academies. The High school he has chosen has a good record for appointments as well. Honestly the idea of him being in the military scares me (Especially with the profound disrespect people show for our fighting forces these days) but I would never hold him back from something he so wanted to do. He was born with asthma and seizures but I have never held him back from anything he wanted to try and he is seizure free and has not had an asthma attack in over 6 years. He is smart, funny and level headed, well on his way to making Eagle Scout and profoundly caring about his fellow man/woman/child. I don't know what I did to deserve this kid - but if he is even half the man he's turning out to be I will feel successful at parenting.
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TheCommuter, BSN, RN
102 Articles; 27,612 Posts
However, my parents had extreme marital problems when I was a child. My father used drugs, drank excessively, beat my mother, destroyed household furniture, and engaged in all sorts of disturbing behavior. At times I had wished my mother divorced my father so I wouldn't be plagued with bad memories.