odaat

I understand how you feel. I was also an ER nurse and definitely felt arrogant about it. Now I do dialysis and I'd be lying if I said it doesn't make me feel like I've gone down majorly. I still miss the ER every single day and keep hope alive that I'll be able to go back some day. For now though I just try to find the positives in what I currently do and remain grateful that I even have a job. There was a lot of time in the last 2 years, especially in the beginning, where I felt like I'd lost my identity because ER nursing was such a huge part of it. But that has gotten better for me and I understand now that nursing is just a job, it is not my identity at all.

Another night owl here...did 3 years of straight nights which I loved but am currently working dialysis, which means waking up at 0330, work at 0500, bedtime at 1900....it's pretty much the day-est of day shift ever ugh!

Yeah that's exactly how I feel too. It's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't gone through it but it's like these people are god or something, they literally hold my livelihood and ability to financially provide for my children in their hands. That's a lot of power to hold over somebody. And in my case, I was a drug addict and I did a terrible thing so it's like no matter what they do, my guilt and shame tell me I deserve it and by god I should just be GRATEFUL I'm getting this chance right? Sometimes I wish they had just taken my license rather than torture me with this "opportunity". I know so many people wrongly thrown into this program and I can't even fathom how they deal with it. But you're not allowed to say or feel these things...you're supposed to just be grateful and full of serenity or some bull jive like that for their "help". Never mind the utter havoc they wreak on our lives. The mental health issues I had to begin with that led me to addiction, they're still there! Because they play middle man between me and my providers, call the shots on my medications, and again hold my livelihood over my head, I just smile and nod and say I'm okay because that's what I have to do. And hopefully I'll make it out of these 5 years alive and intact and can then truly get the help I've needed since I was a child...the help that I sadly sought when I checked myself into rehab, before ever hearing of HPMP and being completely naive to what they were about to do to my life...the help I never got because all that mattered was my shiny lil nursing license. Yeah, I'm a little bitter lol

I feel your pain! I just finally dragged myself out of a bad depression/anger/burning resentment for the complete invasion of privacy we're subjected to. They just really take things too far sometimes. Having to send in a report about my lady parts checkup or teeth cleaning just burns me up so bad. I don't even have the words for it. Having the monitoring program and the BON obtain all my medical records and be able to read about me finally opening up after 20 dang years about my childhood abuse..that's a violation I don't know that I'll ever really get over.

Oh just no, I think I would've had to find a new job over that one. And then to add insult to injury they brought it all back up 6 months later?? incredible ugh

Ohhhhhhhhh...thanks for explaining [emoji4]

I just re-read thinking something might click... and nopes still lost lol

Can somebody explain the baby daddy thing r/t abg's to me...I'm totally confused

I don't understand how you think management has a scheduling/staffing problem that needs fixed. It would be one thing if you had to find coverage for ALL PTO you request. But thats not the case here. You are responsible for finding your own coverage after the schedule comes out...seems in line with every job I've ever worked in my life. That's how scheduling works.

Your use of the word disease in quotation marks says everything I need to know about the futility of furthering this conversation with you. Alas obviously as a junkie self control isn't my forte so I'll engage once more. You seem to have an addict in active addiction and a recovering addict confused as being one and the same. Would I want an addict actively using to take care of me or my family? No. Nor should I have been taking care of anyone. But a monitored addict in recovery? Different ballgame and yes they can take care of me anytime. Are you of the school of thought, once an addict always an addict? Seems to me that you are. That's unfortunate and clearly shows your ignorance of the subject. I doubt my postings on a forum will cause the slightest dent in that. Obviously you also believe that addicts should be locked up and the key thrown away, cause criminalization of our "disease" has clearly worked for society right? Are any criminals capable of reform in your world or is the whole concept of rehabilitation ridiculous to you? Again, I hope you or anyone you love never have to experience the hell that is addiction and the judgment of people like you. I assure you addiction is an equal opportunity disease and no amount of impeccable character or morals can save one from it, hence one of the reasons we know today that it is a disease and not a moral failing. Cheers!

Are you able to wrap your mind around the fact that it's possible to divert without taking meds from your patient or leaving them to suffer? I'm not saying that doesn't happen but realize that not everyone who diverts does that to their patients. Second, I get what your saying, I really do. Nobody thinks that I deserve all the punishment in the world and stripping of my license more than I have thought it. You can't even conceive of what addiction does to a person. It takes over until you no longer recognize the person you've become, until it kills every good thing inside you that makes you human. I would have, and almost did, sacrifice every single thing I love in order to get the next fix because when you're in it that deep, that becomes the only thing that matters. Do you think a person enjoys living like that? Do you think a person would choose that?? Yes I chose the first drug, for reasons I won't go into, but I did not choose to be an addict. I can guarantee you that the person who diverted was not the person I am. Addiction truly is insanity and no one in their right mind would do the things an addict does. You think you're disgusted by their actions? Imagine how the addict who gets clean feels when they, finally in their right mind, get to live with every terrible thing they did while they were in the grips of addiction and not in their right mind. And imagine doing everything you possibly can to change and never go back to that while living in a world that will never let you forget the worthless junkie you used to be. Do you think the BON just gave me a lil slap on the wrist and sent me on my lil way license all nice and intact? It doesn't work that way. I and my professional practice are heavily monitored and unlike your alcoholic bartender scenario, I am not allowed any access to narcotics. In fact the work I do now doesn't have any narcotics on the premises. Believe me, I have my license but I also have the scarlet A branded on me. You have no idea of the fight and strength it takes a recovering addict to keep their license. But whether you and others like you believe it or not, I do still have a lot of worth to offer my patients and I'm grateful I get that chance.

Even though I'm not a school nurse, I frequently read yalls posts on the whats new list because you all and your stories are quite entertaining! So as any nurses kids, my kids know (or at least I thought they did) that if you're not bleeding or gravely ill, we're not gonna be making a big hoopla out of all your perceived ills. Imagine my surprise when at a parent teacher conference yesterday I'm told my dear sweet 4th grader has become a school nurse frequent flyer, asking to go down there sometimes 2-3x a week! [emoji33] First, I had to contain my laughter because I automatically thought of this board and then I explained to the teacher my home's "rules of illness" and that I 100% supported her future judgment in denying my child her lil forays to the nurse. All I can think of is this kid, denied her rightful sympathy at home from nurse mom, has been going down there beggin a little sympathy and yalls saltines, salt water and cough drops! Call me mortified [emoji15]

I use all the non-pharmaceutical options available-heat/ice, massage, yoga, chiropractic, etc etc and take enough NSAIDS sometimes to kill a horse [emoji53] I sometimes use steroids or a mild muscle relaxer. A lot of time I just suck it up and bear it as best I can. One bright side is that opiates cause hyperalgesia so getting clean can actually reduce the chronic pain one is in. As for that other post, may you or your loved ones never know the pain and destruction this DISEASE causes. There's so much more I could say but that ignorance, especially from a healthcare provider, doesn't deserve much response. I will say though that if you think us addicts do not THOROUGHLY pay for the consequences of our actions you should come walk a mile in my shoes someday. I promise it will not be a nice walk in the park.

First of all, breathe, it's going to be okay and you are not going to prison. Not one doctor, nurse, or pharmacist I have encountered on my journey has gone to prison for this. In my case, I had already gone to rehab and signed up with my states monitoring program prior to even finding out my job had turned me into the BON for suspicion of diversion. The BON still did their investigation and afterwards turned everything over to the state prosecutor who then got to decide whether or not to pursue charges against me. My case went to the grand jury and I was charged with ONE felony count of obtaining drugs by fraud. That one count encompassed the entire 4 month period I was diverting. They do not charge you for every single med you took. It wasn't until about a year after I got clean that I went in for my sentencing. I was given a $1000 fine, probation and a deferred judgment for one year. So I go back in one year (3 months now) and if I don't screw up, my charge will be dropped to a misdemeanor. This has been the same for everyone I know with this charge who doesn't screw up! When I went in front of the judge I had a year of recovery and a year of compliance with monitoring. I had rehab, outpatient treatment, therapy, psychiatric help, and NA. Anything a person truly wanting help and to change could do, I had done it and continued to do it and that meant something to the judge. As far as the BON goes, I was told continue with monitoring and nothing will happen to my license. Like the criminal charges, as long as I don't screw up, my license will be okay. I won't lie to you, monitoring is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. It's expensive, restrictive and it's intrusive..for 5 years they tell me to jump and I just ask how high. And that's okay, one, because I deserve it and two because I'm just so grateful to have the opportunity to keep my license. Like a pp said, it can be very difficult to find work in monitoring but it is by no means impossible. I am working as a nurse again. It took a year and a half for that to happen but it happened. I hope this has calmed your biggest fears some. I know that feeling of terror, so much is unknown right now for you. The only thing you need to worry about is staying clean today and I promise you all of these things will work out. Ask your monitoring program if there are any Caduceus meetings in your area, they are a recovery group for healthcare professionals and were invaluable to me in the beginning. Take it a day at a time and don't let the fear take over if you can..you're not going to prison!

My thoughts exactly 😕