I'm writing here because this is the kind of thing I don't want people who actually "know" me to know. On Saturday night I went out to a local pub and had a few drinks and shot a couple games of pool. I had more to drink than I could handle....I think. I remember flirting with a guy (I'm married...very uncharacteristic behavior for me).
I woke up the next morning in my car with my shirt on inside out and backwards, with my bra on over my shirt, and my pants pulled up but my panties pulled down beneath them. There was also vomit behind the seat I was in. The chairs in my car were broken in the fully reclined position. I have with no memory AT ALL about what happened. I don't remember leaving the bar and I certainly don't remember how my clothes got removed and then put back on the way they were.
The police were called, my car was impounded for evidence collection-I've since gotten it back, complete with fingerprint dust and evidence tape. The police took me to the county hospital for the sexual assault exam. I called my husband.
I've been in this fog. I go through periods of psychomotor retardation and sadness. I feel so stupid, ashamed, embarrassed and guilty.
I've NEVER in my life blacked out before, even when I was younger and drank lots and experimented w/ drugs. The police think I may have been drugged but it may be hard to tell because 12 hours had passed by the time blood and urine samples were taken, and date rape drugs metabolize in that time.
I'm terrified that I wasn't drugged....that instead I got so drunk and out of it that I had consensual sex but just don't remember it, even though as I've said, I've never blacked out or lost time before ever in my life. But that is my biggest fear. The sexual assault nurse said that alcohol is the most common date rape drug.......the thought of being unconscious while someone touched me is beyond appalling.
My husband in his fear, pain, and frustration threatened me with divorce. He doesn't know how to handle this. Being a cop himself he knows what to do from the legal perspective but from an emotionally supportive perspective he is lost. He doing much better now.
A detective is coming tomorrow to talk with me again. They may have more information as they have been busy talking to people at the bar and called friends who had been with me earlier in the night.
I don't know what I expect form posting this, other than just wanting to tell SOMEONE what happened.
Whoever did this to you was fully responsible. They were not passed out drunk, but maliciously taking advantage of a vulnerable situation. I believe what you described most likely involved someone slipping something in your drink.
This happened to a dear family member of mine. I am so so sorry, and pray for healing for you and your husband.
i am so sorry this happened to you .i am glad you and your husband are getting counseling .regardless of whether you blacked out drunk and or were drugged you did not aske to get raped.takecare of yourself .you are very brave .
Specializes in Jack of all trades, and still learning.
Thanks for all of your kind replies....they really do help. My husband and I are getting counseling, seperately at first and then as a couple if need be. The county I live in offers great resources for sexual assault victims, I have an advocate who will be with me tomorrow when the detective comes and access to couseling which I will take advantage of.
I just wish I could stop thinking about it and wondering what might have happened. I can't decide if the the memory loss is a blessing or a curse.
As everyone states, you were a victim. It must be hard to reinforce that to yourself, I can only imagine how much confidence in yourself must be lost. But you have done nothing wrong. The agressor did.
wildmountainchild, I'm very sorry this happened to you. You feel terrible and it took a lot of courage to admit what happened. However I have a question for you: if it turns out you were not drugged and if they find out the guy you were with are you still going to say you were raped? After all if the other person was drunk and you were drunk and you said yes, how were they to judge you were not capable of giving consent? I know I'm probably going to be flamed mercilessly for this but if you were just drunk, how can you claim you were assaulted just because you don't remember? Again, I admire the way you have been honest about this and I feel for what you are going through. I'm just wondering.
:redbeathe
Valerie Salva, BSN, RN
1,793 Posts
Since the post I was referring to was deleted, I am removing my post.
Very sorry this happened to the OP.