I'm writing here because this is the kind of thing I don't want people who actually "know" me to know. On Saturday night I went out to a local pub and had a few drinks and shot a couple games of pool. I had more to drink than I could handle....I think. I remember flirting with a guy (I'm married...very uncharacteristic behavior for me).
I woke up the next morning in my car with my shirt on inside out and backwards, with my bra on over my shirt, and my pants pulled up but my panties pulled down beneath them. There was also vomit behind the seat I was in. The chairs in my car were broken in the fully reclined position. I have with no memory AT ALL about what happened. I don't remember leaving the bar and I certainly don't remember how my clothes got removed and then put back on the way they were.
The police were called, my car was impounded for evidence collection-I've since gotten it back, complete with fingerprint dust and evidence tape. The police took me to the county hospital for the sexual assault exam. I called my husband.
I've been in this fog. I go through periods of psychomotor retardation and sadness. I feel so stupid, ashamed, embarrassed and guilty.
I've NEVER in my life blacked out before, even when I was younger and drank lots and experimented w/ drugs. The police think I may have been drugged but it may be hard to tell because 12 hours had passed by the time blood and urine samples were taken, and date rape drugs metabolize in that time.
I'm terrified that I wasn't drugged....that instead I got so drunk and out of it that I had consensual sex but just don't remember it, even though as I've said, I've never blacked out or lost time before ever in my life. But that is my biggest fear. The sexual assault nurse said that alcohol is the most common date rape drug.......the thought of being unconscious while someone touched me is beyond appalling.
My husband in his fear, pain, and frustration threatened me with divorce. He doesn't know how to handle this. Being a cop himself he knows what to do from the legal perspective but from an emotionally supportive perspective he is lost. He doing much better now.
A detective is coming tomorrow to talk with me again. They may have more information as they have been busy talking to people at the bar and called friends who had been with me earlier in the night.
I don't know what I expect form posting this, other than just wanting to tell SOMEONE what happened.
May God bless you....Even if you were drunk, that guy had no right to take advantage of you. This is NOT your fault in any way at all. Keep your head up.
(((Hugs))))) I'm here for you if you need to vent. I was sexually assaulted before. I know how empty you're feeling and how lost. I'm not going to say it gets better, but i sure am here to support you.
I am so glad that you are going to counseling! I wanting to cheat (on my part) is part of what broke up my marriage - although it was already on the rocks.....I don't want to give you the wrong thought there. I am so sorry this happened to you! It's going to be very stressful......your husband is obviously in shock about all this - give him some time.....
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I truly hope that you can figure out what happened and mend your relationship with your husband. Take care of yourself and keep us updated as to how you are doing.
The detective working the case came and spoke with me today. He was very nice and supportive. They are focusing on one man so far. If it was him I can say without a doubt that there was no consent of any kind. In fact I had very firmly told him earlier in the evening that I was not interested and was married.
Everyone knows my story from my initial posting....thank you all for your support. I do want to say that it would be VERY unlikely for me to have had consensual sex and not remember it b/c I was drunk. 1st of all I'm married, I've never cheated on my husband, and I have no desire to. However, I'm not ruling out the obscure possibility that maybe it could have happened....I don't see how really, but it's what my biggest fear is.
The police know everything, my flirting with a man at the bar ("harmless" flirting, nothing else....at least that I know of), the other guy I told to leave me alone.....everything. They find it odd as well that my memory is good up until a bit before I left the bar and then....nothing. I can't remember a thing. The police very much believe an assault occured and right now I'm just trusting in the investigation and trying to be as helpful as I can.
When I woke up my shirt was on backwards and inside out with my bra on the OUTSIDE...this makes me think that I was left in the car topless and with my pants pulled down and that at some point while I was still very altered I realized that and tried to put my clothes back on. I just can't see anyone dressing me that way.....if they had dressed me it would have been to make things look more normal when I did wake up.....not with my bra on over my top. This also makes me tend towards thinking this is an assault. If it had been consentual, what guy would leave me naked, passed out in a car in the middle of a parking lot?
My husband is handling things better and being more supportive. For myself, I'm moving through all these stages....disbelief, shame, anger. I understand the questions some have had....I've had them myself, but the more I think about this and learn from the police and the SART exam and evidence collection...the less likely I am to believe this was consentual.
BluntForceTrauma
281 Posts
May God bless you....Even if you were drunk, that guy had no right to take advantage of you. This is NOT your fault in any way at all. Keep your head up.
My prayers are with you.