I'm writing here because this is the kind of thing I don't want people who actually "know" me to know. On Saturday night I went out to a local pub and had a few drinks and shot a couple games of pool. I had more to drink than I could handle....I think. I remember flirting with a guy (I'm married...very uncharacteristic behavior for me).
I woke up the next morning in my car with my shirt on inside out and backwards, with my bra on over my shirt, and my pants pulled up but my panties pulled down beneath them. There was also vomit behind the seat I was in. The chairs in my car were broken in the fully reclined position. I have with no memory AT ALL about what happened. I don't remember leaving the bar and I certainly don't remember how my clothes got removed and then put back on the way they were.
The police were called, my car was impounded for evidence collection-I've since gotten it back, complete with fingerprint dust and evidence tape. The police took me to the county hospital for the sexual assault exam. I called my husband.
I've been in this fog. I go through periods of psychomotor retardation and sadness. I feel so stupid, ashamed, embarrassed and guilty.
I've NEVER in my life blacked out before, even when I was younger and drank lots and experimented w/ drugs. The police think I may have been drugged but it may be hard to tell because 12 hours had passed by the time blood and urine samples were taken, and date rape drugs metabolize in that time.
I'm terrified that I wasn't drugged....that instead I got so drunk and out of it that I had consensual sex but just don't remember it, even though as I've said, I've never blacked out or lost time before ever in my life. But that is my biggest fear. The sexual assault nurse said that alcohol is the most common date rape drug.......the thought of being unconscious while someone touched me is beyond appalling.
My husband in his fear, pain, and frustration threatened me with divorce. He doesn't know how to handle this. Being a cop himself he knows what to do from the legal perspective but from an emotionally supportive perspective he is lost. He doing much better now.
A detective is coming tomorrow to talk with me again. They may have more information as they have been busy talking to people at the bar and called friends who had been with me earlier in the night.
I don't know what I expect form posting this, other than just wanting to tell SOMEONE what happened.
you were definately slipped a doper!something would have come back to you in 48 hr!Please make sure you don't go out alone when partying. I can personally say, your husband should be thinking of only you,not how he is hurting. Don't be apologetic to him he should know you by now, that you didn't ask for this to happen! mention how might he feel if it were his sister or mom that this happened to! Stay w/ the counseling, if it is helpful!
You are so brave. You have already taken the steps you need to begin healing. It will be a long, hard road but don't give up or let this destroy the good things you've worked for in your life. And don't forget to give yourself (and your husband) a little extra TLC each day. Your Allnurses friends are behind you and you are in our thoughts and prayers.
I am so incredibly sorry this has happened to you. If you had any doubts about telling your story here, remove them. I am deeply touched by the outpouring of good thoughts and prayers the nursing community has given to you.
I hope and pray you can work through this tragedy with as little emotional scarring as possible. I will keep you in my prayers. Good luck with your counseling and your marriage.
To all of the wonderful and kind people who have added to this post, it is because of your compassion and caring that you are all AMAZING nurses. It is a credit to our profession that we, as a group, can give support to someone we know on-line and not in person.
I applaud all of the posters for their wisdom, kindness, compassion and caring. Not to take away from wildmountainchild's problem, I just wanted to let you all know how wonderful I think you are. :redbeathe:saint:
I am sorry to read your story. I admire your bravery, honesty and your selflessness to share your story on this website. I hope many women will learn from your bad experience and avoid being in a similar situation.
My prayers are with you and your husband. Hope he will be strong and wise enough to realise that it was not your fault and that he will be able to give you emotional, moral and spiritual support during your time of need. May God bless you and family.
I am so sorry this happened to you. As others have said, there is no way this is your fault. You are very courageous to have reported it and be getting the counseling you need. I hope they catch the guy and lock him up for a good long time. You will be in my thoughts and prayers also:heartbeat
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I had a similar situation, and so I would guess the worst part of what you are going through right now is self doubt....wondering if you "asked for this"....wondering what you could have done differently....
This is not about me right now, this is about you, but I offer my own story because of very similar details.
New year's eve 2000 I was 18 and it was the NEW millenium. I attended a big house party with a keg (not old enough to get into the bar). I planned on getting smashed...come on...party like it's 1999, right? I drove myself to the party with absolutely no intentions of driving myself home...I had a station wagon. The owner of the home allowed me to park in a field over night where many other people were parking overnight. I gave the homeowner my keys...folded down the backseats and prepared a little bed for myself....then I went to the party and got very, very drunk.
I was seen dancing and flirting with a guy. I went outside and made out with him...but that's really out of character for me and it was going a little too fast so we went back inside. He was very nice and respectful about it all. The guy eventually went home hours later and kissed me goodnight. I gave him my phonenumber. I was very excited about this possible romantic connection. I hadn't had a "real boyfriend" since I'd started college, maybe this would be him? I continued to drink and dance.
Later, I went to my car and crawled into the hatchback and passed out. I was not drugged. I did not lock the doors.
I woke up to a person "doing things to me"... I didn't quite know what was going on...but it felt kind of good in a drowsy way...maybe 30 seconds later, I started to get my wits about me a little and realized that what was going on wasn't right...I turned around to see a stranger's face...well no, not exactly, then I realized it was an aquaintance...a friend of a friend named Jason who I always thought was weird and awkward...I pushed him off me and rolled away from him...too drunk to really realize I should have screamed at him and kicked him out. Maybe 1 minute later he's at it again, trying to "do things to me" again...now I'm mad enough (and quite frankly, just irritated and wanting to go back to sleep) that I yelled at him and opened the door and tried, unsuccessfully to shove him out of my car. He yelled back at me...but then left on his own.
I went back to sleep. I woke up some time later (I don't know if it was 2 minutes or 2 hours later) and he was back at it again, but this time he had gotten my pants off and was taking his pants off...again I screamed at him and this time I slapped at him and thrashed around and made a commotion. He left the car.
I locked the doors this time (finally!!!) and went back to sleep.
I woke up feeling very sad. It didn't occur to me until months later that this was a sexual assault. I thought that because intercourse hadn't actually happened, it wasn't rape, and that it was really my fault for being so drunk and then being stupid enough to sleep in my car with the doors unlocked. I rationalized that "Well, that's what guys do at parties. They try to find the drunkest chicks to have sex with" and so I chalked it up to me being drunk and stupid and naive.
I felt like a ****. Here I made out with some guy, and then I almost had sex with a totally different guy. I was mortified that he would tell people about what happened, or WORSE that he would tell people a lie about the situation. Afterall, we had some mutual friends. I thought it would ruin my reputation. Days later when the guy I gave my number to called me, I just gave him the cold shoulder and declined his offers to take me out on a date, because I was sure he had heard, or would eventually hear about what happened with the other guy on new years eve and conclude that I was a ****...and anyways, I just didn't feel like "dating" anyone at that time. I felt really embarassed and ashamed and guilty.
I think that you were probably drugged, because you have NO recollection of the event. I mean come on, you've had drunken sex before, right? maybe with your husband? You remember bits and pieces of it....it's not a completely erased memory. Like you, I have NEVER EVER blacked out in my life. I've passed out, sure, but never lost memory or "blacked out". If I had been drugged, this predator would have gotten what he wanted from me, no doubt about it. Even if you weren't drugged, you were for sure taken advantage of.
Some things that maybe your husband, or law enforcement or even yourself might be thinking is: "Well, since I was in my own car, it might have been consensual. Maybe I brought him to my car willingly, and so that might make it consensual." That is why I offer my story to you....I was in my own car and it definitely wasn't consensual, I know that now. At the time, I knew it would look bad. Quite frankly, at the time I was much more concerned with what OTHER PEOPLE would think about it than what I felt about it.
I think that just talking about it really does help. Being honest with yourself. don't expect to get back to "business as usual" right away. It is good to try and function in your everyday life as best you can, but don't be too hard on yourself if you or your family don't think you are healing fast enough! Give yourself time, but first and foremost, try to let go of the guilt. That's probably the hardest part. I still feel guilty about not locking my car doors...even though I know it wasn't my fault, it's hard for me to let go of the door locking thing. We all deal with things in our own way.
I'm glad you shared with us. Cyber hugs to you:redbeathe
I'm praying from here, too. I am so sorry you're going through this!!!!
You are a person of massive character and strength, and you are handling this with so much more grace than you feel right now. Hugs and prayers to you and your hubby...I know you guys will get through this.
The thought that some guys will take advantage of a lady just to please their animal needs is just sickening...they are sick!!! I wish you courage and patience to work through this with your family, especially your husband. All my love, eleni.
I just read you story, I'm sorry that this happened to you, how horrible. It certainly sounds as if you were raped after being unwittingly drugged. My heart goes out to you.
:redbeathe:saint:
I drove myself to the party with absolutely no intentions of driving myself home...I had a station wagon. The owner of the home allowed me to park in a field over night where many other people were parking overnight. I gave the homeowner my keys...folded down the backseats and prepared a little bed for myself....then I went to the party and got very, very drunk.
The thought that some guys will take advantage of a lady just to please their animal needs is just sickening...they are sick!!! I wish you courage and patience to work through this with your family, especially your husband. All my love, eleni.
lvnandmomx3
834 Posts
I am so sorry you had to endure what you did. You are in my thoughts and prayers.