I'm writing here because this is the kind of thing I don't want people who actually "know" me to know. On Saturday night I went out to a local pub and had a few drinks and shot a couple games of pool. I had more to drink than I could handle....I think. I remember flirting with a guy (I'm married...very uncharacteristic behavior for me).
I woke up the next morning in my car with my shirt on inside out and backwards, with my bra on over my shirt, and my pants pulled up but my panties pulled down beneath them. There was also vomit behind the seat I was in. The chairs in my car were broken in the fully reclined position. I have with no memory AT ALL about what happened. I don't remember leaving the bar and I certainly don't remember how my clothes got removed and then put back on the way they were.
The police were called, my car was impounded for evidence collection-I've since gotten it back, complete with fingerprint dust and evidence tape. The police took me to the county hospital for the sexual assault exam. I called my husband.
I've been in this fog. I go through periods of psychomotor retardation and sadness. I feel so stupid, ashamed, embarrassed and guilty.
I've NEVER in my life blacked out before, even when I was younger and drank lots and experimented w/ drugs. The police think I may have been drugged but it may be hard to tell because 12 hours had passed by the time blood and urine samples were taken, and date rape drugs metabolize in that time.
I'm terrified that I wasn't drugged....that instead I got so drunk and out of it that I had consensual sex but just don't remember it, even though as I've said, I've never blacked out or lost time before ever in my life. But that is my biggest fear. The sexual assault nurse said that alcohol is the most common date rape drug.......the thought of being unconscious while someone touched me is beyond appalling.
My husband in his fear, pain, and frustration threatened me with divorce. He doesn't know how to handle this. Being a cop himself he knows what to do from the legal perspective but from an emotionally supportive perspective he is lost. He doing much better now.
A detective is coming tomorrow to talk with me again. They may have more information as they have been busy talking to people at the bar and called friends who had been with me earlier in the night.
I don't know what I expect form posting this, other than just wanting to tell SOMEONE what happened.
I'm so very sad this happened to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband as you work through this. Maybe it will help to know that a lot of what your feeling, thinking are normal reactions to extreme trauma. Try to give yourself some slack. You've been through a lot! Put blame where blame is due - on the perpetrator. It seems highly likely, from what you've posted, that you were drugged. I've worked through childhood sexual abuse as a young adult, and it takes time, but it is so worth it in the end. Much of what you're feeling is due to the fact that this event has changes you as a person (trauma does that) but you are in control of what it changes you into. The same applies to your relationship with your husband. It too will be redefined, but it will up to both of you what it is redefined into. This piece takes time, and can be at times, very painful. It may help to keep a journal.
My last word of advice is "Determine to not let the perpetrator take away more from your life than he's already taken." He's already taken way too much. He owns that piece and hopefully will answer to that very soon in a court of law. I pray everything wonderful for you and your husband. You both will be continually in my thoughts and prayers. Know today that you have been prayed for. Hugs. :icon_hug:
I am so sorry. I will remember you in my prayers always. I hope your husband comes round. I think you were just drunk.Personally i got so drunk one a long time ago,All i remember is that i was covered in my vomit the next morning.I don't know how i got home in my car.Thank God i did not kill any one. God bliss you and all those you love:redpinkhe
Hugs to you honey. Please seek counselling to help you deal with this. Im sure your husband is upset because his duty is to protect and he wasnt able to protect you from this. You were the one who was violated, but in a sense...he was too, not like you were though. But he is hurt that his "other half" was violated. You are very courageous to come here and post. We are here for you.
i know i stumbled accross this thread late, but i wanted to send you a great big hug wildmountain child, and i will be keeping you in my prayers. you should be proud of yourself for sharing your story and being courageous enough to go after this man.
i have been in your situation, and it was one of the scariest things i have ever been through in my life. it ended up being a boy (not a man, and never will be) i knew very, very well, someone i never would have thought would have done something so horrible. in the end i eventually ended up not pressing charges, because the police were not on my side (i was underage and drinking.. so i was "asking for it").
you go through all those kubler-ross stages of loss, the anger, the denial, the bargaining... because you are grieving over your loss of dignity. if you need someone to talk to, or someone just to listen, please feel free to PM me.
i am glad your husband is starting to come around. it will be a long road for both of you. but i hope he is starting to realize that you need him by your side and that you didnt ask to be violated. surviving an assault is something that is not easily done alone.
god bless you and take care of yourself. wishing you peace and strength during this difficult time.
Hi. I am a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner. When a suspicion of assault is presented to law enforcement there are several steps which must be completed. You are directed to a facility with police, an advocate is notified and will meet you there. A SANE nurse will ne notified and respond.
You will have your statement taken and the advocate never leaves your side. The SANE nurse will then interview you and ask that you remove your clothing and it is placed in a paper bag, sealed, signed and logged before transferring to the police. The physical assessment is conducted in a private room with your consent and an advocate is present at all times. A clean gown and slippers are provided and the exam takes about an hour. We swab your mouth, your ears and examine your skin for any fluids using a special light. These are labeled and processed, documted where they were found, using what technique and handed over to law enforcement for transport to a crime lab.
We will also do a brief exam of your genitals and a blue dye is swabbed which may reveal any tearing or external lacerations. These will be photographed and the swabs will be air dried and also processed appropriately. Any bruising or soft tissue injury will be photographed and documented. Your advocate will usually be with you the entire time your case is being processed and may continue to contact and support you, often for months or years in a therapeutic way.
The SANE nurse will then provide you will fresh clothes, you may shower and as blood and urine have been collected and a brief medical history is obtained, we can offer you antibiotics to prevent certain STD's, birth control if needed and mild seditives or antianxiety medication. You can stop the exam at any time. You can limit the physical exam at any time. The SANE nurse is there to collect any evidence correctly, legally and must remain objective in doing so.
We are not here to say "Yes He/She was raped, assaulted, touched etc." but any evidence obtained, collected or photographed we may be asked if it is consistant with blunt force trauma, restraint etc. In that regrad we can answer "Yes" these abrasions, contusions, raised areas over the breast etc. are indeed consistant with blunt force trauma.
You will always be personally escorted to a safe environment with resources, sometimes you will be provided with a cell phone if needed and your boyfriend, spouse, significant other can be counseled as well. Ongoing support will always be available to you as your case is delivered to the District Attorney and you will be provided a private contact number from that office as the evidence that was collected becomes conclusive.
Your partners reaction is something that a victim advocate needs to address with him without you present and the social stigma, personal and emotional stress, shame of being "not in control" and feelings you describe must, I repeat MUST be dealt with , even though there may be days that go by that things seem "alright". Many victim advocates were once were you are now and they are chosen for their dedication, sensitivity and willingness to support you thru their own experience. Use your resources whenever you need them, you sound like a very smart woman, you found us! Keep us advised as to who this case unfolds. Hugs, Laurie
Also a quick note, please start keeping a personal log of every contact with law enforcement, everyone who contacts you or you have a discussion with regarding this case. Please be proactive in persuing this incident to the fullest extent of the law.
There are many pieces of this puzzle you may not remember and there are many witnesses who may be able to piece it all together. Forget for a moment that you were at this bar drinking. Consider this....that is why they are there. Disregard your choice of clothing. You were not there to make a fashion statement and most likely anything you were wearing was NOT the catalyst for assault. Consider this....you were in a social environment to relax, socialize and have fun. Fun does not include humiliation, aggression or forcible touching, verbal intimidation by anyone.
Please keep a journal of everything that transpires. Please continue to work closely with the ADA and your advocate, it's OK to feel you are relying "too much" or pushing them away. Suspicion will rear it's ugly head here as a knee jerk delayed reaction but they have a dedication to protect and support you at this time. Use that. Draw upon that strength. They have the training to help you PAST this point.
Like many things in this situation the phrase "out of control" will be heard a lot. You may feel that you are "out of control" or that your "out of control" behavior contributed to this assault. Consider this right now....you have the ultimate control over everything that happens from now on.... how you chose to continue, or not with your husband, if you can help or guide him thru his issues, how you "control" your continued interaction with the ongoing police investigation and what steps you will personally take to reestablish little victories, control factors in your immediate life and time.
Will you become a militant activist who kicks a guy in the keeblers first and the asks questions? Will you hide in a room with all the blinds drawn and fear every stranger walking doen your street? Will you push the incident so far back in your mind that it all seems like a bad dream you just woke up from? Who knows. I'm sure you haven;t formulated any type of reactive scenario. But these are all possibilities that your advocate can talk with you about. Any time. Day or nite. Use that. Draw from their strength and wisdom.
They responded to you without knowing anything about you. They support you unconditionally. That's what you need right now. Tap into that wonderful resource. Good luck. Be brave. Heal. Hope. The woman you are is taking a break deep in your heart. She knows where it's safe right now.
I must say that this is one of the worst things that can happen to anyone. I just would like to commend you on your bravery and courage in sharing your story with us. :icon_hug: You are an EXTREMELY strong woman with more courage than many people I have seen. The words "I am sorry" come short to how incredibly saddened I am that this happened to you. But, know this: This too shall pass. Keep on confronting it now as you have been, with your stamina and your support system. Your husband has received a great shock and his reaction (though, ill-timed) is understandable under the circumstances. However, I do not agree with his threat, but I can see how helpless the situation makes him feel. But, YOU are the one who needs support, not the other way around. I just want to say that you are in God's wonderful embrace: He will NEVER let you go. If I offend you by saying that, I apologize, but I believe that He does. :) Again, you are amazing, and I'm impressed to know you, even if it is through the internet. Good luck, honey as you progress through such a difficult time. God bless you. :icon_hug:
That would be very scary, but I believe it is a blessing that you do not remember what happened. The best thing you can do is accept it as a learning experience and move on. I have made somewhat similar mistakes in the past with drugs, alcohol and sex, and the worst thing I did was dwell on them. You can't move backwards, and dwelling on this will just tear you apart. Counseling is a good start, and I am sure you and your husband will work through this. When you come out on the other end, you will look back and see that you are stronger and your marriage is stronger. Good luck!:wink2:
I'm getting to this a little late, but here's a story of a very good friend of mine who had the exact same thing happen to her. But her outcome was much worse.
omg what a story about your friend! i hope she does well on appeal.
i wonder how the OP is doing? I hope she's well and has been able to move on with her life.
the same thing happend to me. i was with friends at a bar, drinking but according to my friends i didnt even appear tipsy. i had met a "nice boy" that my friends thought was very sweet. he was a lawyer too.
i do remember meeting him at the bar but after that i have absolutely no memory until 12 hours later when i woke up in his bed naked. he was still having sex with me when i woke up. his roommate casually came in the room naked a few minutes after i "woke up" so i'm sure they both raped me. i had had on a 2 inch choker and found it in the floor ripped apart from the front of the necklace...it must have been pulled off my neck violently. i didnt know who they were, didnt know where i was, i was so confused and scared.
for years only my closest friends that were with me knew what happened. i was so ashamed and felt i deserved it because i was drinking.
im sure i was given a date rape drug.
reading the OP's story it shocked me at how similar our stories are. when it happens you think it only happend to you...obviously it happns to too many women!
to this day, i will not leave a glass unattended when out in public, anywhere. if you go out and drink...keep your glass with you...keep your hand over the opening at all times. dont leave your glass even with your friends when you go to dance or the bathroom. if you turn your back on your drink for even a second, think of it like a syringe at work...if it has meds in it and you turn your back on it..you cant be 100% sure it wasnt tampered with...so if you turn your back, dont drink whats in the glass. your safety and your life is worth a whole lot more than the amount you'd have to pay for another drink.
one more thing...dont trust a bartender either! watch them make your drink. many times the bartender is in on it with the person.
Very good advice. And I'm really sorry it happened to you, too.
My friend was pulled from the wreck with no panties on. And she had on a mini-skirt. She is FAR from being a girl who wears miniskirts and no panties. Not even close.
I'm happy to say that the judge in her case was un-seated at election time, and she got a judge who was much more impartial. She's out, although she's still on parole and has to wear an ankle bracelet. At least she now has a chance to put her life back together again. Such a sweet girl. Such a tragic thing for both her and for the family of the victim.
Annie09
39 Posts
I'm so very sad this happened to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband as you work through this. Maybe it will help to know that a lot of what your feeling, thinking are normal reactions to extreme trauma. Try to give yourself some slack. You've been through a lot! Put blame where blame is due - on the perpetrator. It seems highly likely, from what you've posted, that you were drugged. I've worked through childhood sexual abuse as a young adult, and it takes time, but it is so worth it in the end. Much of what you're feeling is due to the fact that this event has changes you as a person (trauma does that) but you are in control of what it changes you into. The same applies to your relationship with your husband. It too will be redefined, but it will up to both of you what it is redefined into. This piece takes time, and can be at times, very painful. It may help to keep a journal.
My last word of advice is "Determine to not let the perpetrator take away more from your life than he's already taken." He's already taken way too much. He owns that piece and hopefully will answer to that very soon in a court of law. I pray everything wonderful for you and your husband. You both will be continually in my thoughts and prayers. Know today that you have been prayed for. Hugs. :icon_hug: