I'm writing here because this is the kind of thing I don't want people who actually "know" me to know. On Saturday night I went out to a local pub and had a few drinks and shot a couple games of pool. I had more to drink than I could handle....I think. I remember flirting with a guy (I'm married...very uncharacteristic behavior for me).
I woke up the next morning in my car with my shirt on inside out and backwards, with my bra on over my shirt, and my pants pulled up but my panties pulled down beneath them. There was also vomit behind the seat I was in. The chairs in my car were broken in the fully reclined position. I have with no memory AT ALL about what happened. I don't remember leaving the bar and I certainly don't remember how my clothes got removed and then put back on the way they were.
The police were called, my car was impounded for evidence collection-I've since gotten it back, complete with fingerprint dust and evidence tape. The police took me to the county hospital for the sexual assault exam. I called my husband.
I've been in this fog. I go through periods of psychomotor retardation and sadness. I feel so stupid, ashamed, embarrassed and guilty.
I've NEVER in my life blacked out before, even when I was younger and drank lots and experimented w/ drugs. The police think I may have been drugged but it may be hard to tell because 12 hours had passed by the time blood and urine samples were taken, and date rape drugs metabolize in that time.
I'm terrified that I wasn't drugged....that instead I got so drunk and out of it that I had consensual sex but just don't remember it, even though as I've said, I've never blacked out or lost time before ever in my life. But that is my biggest fear. The sexual assault nurse said that alcohol is the most common date rape drug.......the thought of being unconscious while someone touched me is beyond appalling.
My husband in his fear, pain, and frustration threatened me with divorce. He doesn't know how to handle this. Being a cop himself he knows what to do from the legal perspective but from an emotionally supportive perspective he is lost. He doing much better now.
A detective is coming tomorrow to talk with me again. They may have more information as they have been busy talking to people at the bar and called friends who had been with me earlier in the night.
I don't know what I expect form posting this, other than just wanting to tell SOMEONE what happened.
Specializes in Peds Cardiology,Peds Neuro,Pedi ER,PICU, IV Jedi.
I'm so very sorry this happened to you wildmountainchild...no one deserves to have such an awful thing happen to them. I hope they catch the person responsible, and that you and your husband can get through this together.
Good for you for getting the help you need- many county crime victims boards have some wonderful, wonderful people on staff- sounds like you are in an area that has a lot of support.
This is a great community, and there's always someone who will listen. Thank you for sharing with us. Though as a victim you were powerless over what happened, most importantly you are a survivor. And there is great power in that.
I'm sorry this happened to you. As others have urged, get counseling. I have been where you are and talking about it does help also. You will get through this and move from victim to survivor. If you wanna talk some more, email me privately.
Praying you and your spouse can resolve this. He is hurting just as much as you.
Praying you can find peace after this is all said and done. Remember we are all human. I have been in your situation before.....I give you credit for stepping up and doing what you did. I did nothing, waited in silence, worried, cried and tortured myself.
You and your husband can and will find closure, in time. Stay strong for each other and learn from this experience. It is your wake up call.
I am so sorry this happened to you. The fact is....this didn't happen because of the fact that you drank. You were taken advantage of. People know when someone is too altered to consent to something, including this. This was absolutely not your fault and I'm sorry for the pain you are going through right now.
I am a sexual assault nurse examiner and I have to say that unfortunately, your husband's reaction is not unusual-as a husband or as a police officer. Remember that he was hurt by this too. It's very hard for men to realize that they can't keep bad things from happening to their family (harder yet for police officers). You guys probably need some professional counseling. My thoughts and prayers are with you. You will come out of this a stronger, better woman. Just hang in there.
I know you're trying to find some justification for what happened to you, even if that means believing somewhere deep in your mind that you "must" have known what was going on.
You didn't. You were absolutely drugged.
I'm sure we have all been very drunk at some point in our lives, but the "foggy" memory of our drunken times are not black-outs, unless the person is a known alcoholic.
What you are describing, especially having good recollections about the night until one certain point are indicative of being drugged.
Just because you are a woman in a bar having a drink does not mean you are a woman saying "come have sex with me!". Why do we even consider this as women?
Don't do that to yourself. You have a right to go out and have a drink. No ******* has the right to rape you.
I'm very happy to hear you're being so clear and brave about this ordeal, it sounds like the support system in your community is really working. I send you all the strength you need to work through this.
Thank you for sharing this with us. It's good to put this out; hopefully, people can EVOLVE and realize that you can be a female out one evening, having a drink, shooting pool and NOT want to have sex.
I am a Sexual Assault Nurse. I am terribly sorry for what happened to you but see it all the time. My gut instinct says that someone drugged you. Even if that is not the case, if you had passed out and someone took advantage of you it is NOT consensual sex. You were not in the right mind to consent. Think back to nursing school.....you wouldnt medicate someone for pain and then have them sign a consent for surgery....same concept.
I am glad that you are getting the emotional support you need and hope that if they find the guy you are strong enough to prosecute. Guys like this will do the same to other women. Stop him if at all possible.
I am so sorry that you had & have to go through this. I too suffered a similar situation with Rohypnol. I have absolutely no recollection of events after I left a bar 1 night, but somehow I managed to give the creep the slip. I lost all voluntary motor control and just collapsed. I have no memory of any events, but somehow woke up at my home. I understand your panic and fears. My prayers are with you and your family. Unfortunately there are way too many creeps out there without a conscience.
Specializes in Home Health, ICU,Rehab,Med-Surg,Hospice.
So very sorry to hear this has happened. It sounds like you were slipped something in your drink. Gosh, don't feel guilty for this, the scummy guy victimized you.
You are in my thoughts and prayers, wildmountainchild.
So sorry this happened to you. You need to take care of yourself..you did nothing wrong!
Your husband will come around, as a law enforcement officer he has seen this happen elsewhere. He is probably just angry that it happened to you, and to him! "We always hurt the one we love...", sometimes we lash out to those we love because we know they have to take it. I am glad he is coming around.
I hope they find this predator, and lock him up!
All the best to both of you. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
Everyone is right this happened to you, not your husband. I can understand that he is scared, upset, disappointed, and more than likely feeling very helpless, and unsure of how he feels,or even how to help you. I know he is a caring loving husband because he only threatened divorce. He wants to be with you but he doesn't know how to process your tragedy. I feel you both would benefit from therapy and counseling.
I have been were you are but in alot different circumstances. I to have been raped and I know if it had not been for my therapist I would not have overcome that emotional part of my life.
God be with you both. :redbeathe:redbeathe:redbeathe:redbeathe:redbeathe:redbeathe
I think that both you and your husband experienced initial gut reactions based in fear. The 'what ifs' just jumped up and claimed the moment.
AND it's hard to believe our fellow human beings could be so hurtful and sick, but they CAN and my heart goes out to you and your husband. May you find comfort in each other.
Please order the book: INVISIBLE HEROES Survivors of Trauma And How They Heal by Belleruth Naparstek. Read it and then show it to your therapist. I have had many patients take the time to report back to me how helpful her book and visualization tapes were and that their therapists were excited to learn from this revolutionary psychotherapist on the cutting edge of technology. As a nurse, you will also appreciate the physiological and biochemical connections that help explain how this approach works.
You can put memories away but big ones need to be put into a hundred different places.
You are an amazing person and allnurses here are touched deeply by your courage. -Abbie
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vamedic4, EMT-P
1,061 Posts
I'm so very sorry this happened to you wildmountainchild...no one deserves to have such an awful thing happen to them. I hope they catch the person responsible, and that you and your husband can get through this together.