Just wanted to post this somewhere to rant... because I can't mention this to any coworkers...
The other day, we had a resource tech/aid on our floor, who was African american with a unique name. And while we were all sitting around the nurses station talking, I said to her "Did your momma name you xxxxxxxx", in which she replied "No my grandma did" -- the only reason I asked this question was because I was curious if the name was a birth name or nick name.
About half an hour later, she told me that she thought what I said was rude to her. She walked away and I followed a minute later and apologized (for what? I don't know, still did anyways)
Today, I found out she reported me to HR for this incident. I don't know whether I should be worried or not because I almost find this ridiculous... and at the same time, if she's playing the racist card and HR is making the decision about it, not my unit director... I could be long gone already?
It's sad that you can offend someone so easily over something so small or innocent. I'm genuinely the kindest person, always helping out and trying to make people laugh! I said this in a total non-malicious way and everyone around us was aware of that. I'm almost angry at the fact she went to HR because there is no way in heck she actually thinks I was trying to be mean!
Should I be worried? Do you find what I said completely inappropriate?It's sad that the lesson I learned is you can't talk to people you don't know I guess. I really enjoy working on my unit... I get along with all the staff so well. I'm just at loss for words right now.
I've stuck my foot in mouth plenty of times, can't deny that.
The "kindest person" though would have said something like Oh crap I was thoughtless and I don't want to offend anyone like that again, not If she's pulls the race card..
It's often not the error but the response.
So maybe coming from not the kindest person she heard a condescending tone?
I'm a black female with a 'mainstream' two-syllable first name that is similar to Kelly, Carrie or Lindsay. There's no need to become testy when someone mentions 'black-sounding names' (Tameka, Tanesha, Aisha, Jamal, Raheim, Malik, etc) as long as they aren't poking fun at the names.
The reality is that some names are black-sounding because black people in America are more likely to receive these names than members of other racial/ethnic backgrounds. It is what it is.
Yes, I've met white females named Egypt, Keisha, LaQueena, and so forth. Yes, many black people are named Jennifer, Jessica, Joseph, and so on. However, some names are associated with certain races, ethnicities and subcultures. Again, it is what it is.
Yep.
My name actually stems from a direct reference from a mythological deity of fire, death, and war. My father, who loved his recreational chemicals, won that argument. Otherwise I would have been Mike, haha. I've actually only met one person in my life that got the reference. He thought it was something special that I was his ER nurse. He'd throw up the sign of the ram every time he'd see me. That was a long shift, lemmetellya.
My nametag gets stared at at least 10 times a shift. And mispronunciation of my name is a constant thing. While I don't agree with the tech's hypersensitivity to their name as the OP described personally - I can definitely appreciate where it comes from.
Specializes in Case mgmt., rehab, (CRRN), LTC & psych.
Here's one afterthought...
Years ago, when I was in high school, a vice principal overheard me saying a profane word. He said to me in an exaggerated tone, "What would your momma say if she heard you saying that word?"
Although I was the one who was obviously in the wrong, I felt a visceral distaste at hearing the words "your momma." For starters, the school was located in coastal southern California, a region where virtually no one refers to their mothers as "momma." Secondly, "momma" has a negative connotation since people frequently use the phrase "your momma" in corny jokes and mockeries (read: "your momma is fatter than the Empire State Building!").
Finally, I got the sickening vibe that the vice principal was stereotyping me by assuming all AA offspring call their mothers "momma," although race very well may have not played a role in his choice of words at all.
Anyhow, that's my over-analysis of the situation as an AA female. Carry on!
Here's the thing: English-speaking Caucasians in the U.S. are notoriously unwilling - or unable - to step outside our cultural comfort zone. People of color are expected to put in the effort needed to keep us comfortable. We become aggrieved and offended when they decline to do so, especially when it was our own ignorance that created the problem.
Excuse me? Where the hell did this come from? Who are you to stereotype all American white people?
Oh, I know. You're the white person with a healthy dose of white guilt going on. In your world, it's ok make blanket statements about whites. Out of all the archetypes that appear in conversations like this, the "person who denigrates whites in an effort to show the oppression of other races" is probably the most annoying....and so unoriginal.
@dudette: I call it as I see it. I'm seeing many examples here of the pressures brought to bear to enforce whites' entitlement to their existential comforts.
I would be more impressed with your argument if, while castigating me, you made some effort to answer the questions I asked. That really would be original, wouldn't it?
Failing that, I can only conclude that you're indulging in a little "ritual defamation". Google it ... it's really a thing.
Excuse me? Where the hell did this come from? Who are you to stereotype all American white people?
Oh, I know. You're the white person with a healthy dose of white guilt going on. In your world, it's ok make blanket statements about whites. Out of all the archetypes that appear in conversations like this, the "person who denigrates whites in an effort to show the oppression of other races" is probably the most annoying....and so unoriginal.
do you deny that this happens often among white people? not saying all but there is a trend and I aint denying that.
and is it possible for white people to actually recognize and speak out against white privilege without it being denigrating for the sake of showing compassion for 'oppressed races?' Yeesh!
i can give examples for days of how i and my non-white colleagues have been made to feel weird because somethings we say or do don't 'fit' with the norm. "Why are you eating like that? What is that? What does your name mean? Where are you from...no..where are you REALLY from ? (I'm just as american as you are hun). How do you get your hair to do that? (Grows out of my head like this...) You don't wash your hair everyday? Why do black people...why do Chinese people...why do Indian people"...gosh! lol. And this is not an attack on you dudette, nor am I saying that you do these things. But it's hard to understand how othered it can being non-white unless you are an other. And I didn't other myself--society made that choice way back when. *shrug*
i get how heron's comment (which i find to be very true if that wasn't apparent already lol) is off putting to white people who aren't what was described in the comment but.....
it's a thing.
Anywho OP, I get you're a kind person and I truly believe you didn't intend to hurt the tech. As a black female with a "black-ish name" I wouldn't have reported you to HR. But I surely would have asked you to talk, and I would have explained that asking me about my name because it's "unique" makes me feel like I was weird or something. If the name were a "normal" name you wouldn't have asked that obviously. And I get wanting to learn about someone else's culture by asking the origins behind names butttt there's a way to do it. Did your momma name you xyz sounds accusatory like she did something wrong.
But we're all called to learn about others and what can be offensive even if we don't see it as such. It's not just race--religion, gender, sex, SES, etc. As a black woman I've said offensive things I had no clue were offensive to people different from myself. white people too--I remember telling a white girl a certain response--she asked me about my hair (i honestly get so fed up with hair questions so i guess i was on edge that night) and she was quite offended and I apologized, because she was genuinely curious and not trying to be a smart alek.
Specializes in Oncology; medical specialty website.
Maybe her mother died giving birth to her, so her grandmother had to name her. Yes, it's rude to assume.
OK, this thread has now officially jumped the shark.
Maybe it came out wrong, but she could have been trying to make small talk. Maybe she was truly interested in the name; I've worked with people over the years who had unusual names, and I'm fascinated by that.
The OP already apologized. I think she should just leave it at that. The more attention she gives to it, by apologizing over and over, just reinforces that what she did wasn't just a social faux pas, but something more sinister.
This is why I no longer will work in a hospital. Everyone is offended 24/7. That includes patients, workers, ect. I would start looking for a job the minute I was reported to HR as I know how these things often turn out. I am sure the OP was not meaning to be racist but it does not matter. Someone FELT that it was racist and therefore it was reported. HR cannot take a chance on a lawsuit therefore the person will be let go. Simple as that. No one will deal with the potential of a lawsuit today. I would dust off the resume, like yesterday!
If everyone around you is getting offended often then it is probably you.
Specializes in Oncology; medical specialty website.
This turned out to be a better discussion than I thought.
I'll throw in some things that people asked.
- This was my first and only time working with this tech. She was a resource tech. And I stated exactly what happened (I have no reason to lie on the internet, no other interactions were made)
- I'll be blunt here - her name was UNIQUE, but a name that would have fit a person of any color (I also feel like no matter how I word this it'll offend someone)
- I understand the way I said it could've been worded better, and that I probably should've said it a different way to someone I didn't know well... but I still feel like it was RIDICULOUS to go to HR over this. Especially after the fact that she told me she thought it was rude and I apologized to her. She really wants to get me fired over saying this to her?
Anyways, thanks anyone who contributed. I did learn a lesson in that you have to watch what you say to everyone. I guess my treating everyone like they're your best friend attitude is going to get me in trouble.
This is true. There are some people who are very guarded about their personal details; it's best when dealing with someone new to take some time to get a feel for their personality before asking questions.
It doesn't sound like you were being malicious, and like I said, I don't think you should give this any more attention. More than likely it will blow over once you have an opportunity to give your side to HR.
Omg a "black sounding name"?!?!? Wow. Please, explain what a "black sounding name"sounds like? I have met a Caucasian girl name Shalisa. And a black girl name Jessica. Would you guess their races based off their names?? A name is a name. Some are ridiculous yes, made the race has nothing to do with it. Who is the chic that named her daughter "Apple" that's her right. Yes unique, maybe silly. *** does race have to do with it? OP could have easily offended the Caucasian girl I know named Shalisa. (Bc the way OP asked was somewhat rude or direct rather) Would you say she pulled the race card? No. How about we all just think before we speak. We are nurses. We are not supposed to judge. Geeeeeeez
To be honest some names are borderline and many are very ethnic. I understand your point but I have never met a white Jamal/Starkiesha nor have I met a black Skip/Bitsy. Not saying they don't exist but lets be fair.I have also never met a black Mae Ling,Schlomo, or Esperanza. It doesn't make you racist to admit that some names are tres' ethnic. And I am black if it matters. Or African American if it matters. Or colored if it matters. Or negro if it matters. I need decaf.
Specializes in Oncology; medical specialty website.
Here's the thing: English-speaking Caucasians in the U.S. are notoriously unwilling - or unable - to step outside our cultural comfort zone. People of color are expected to put in the effort needed to keep us comfortable. We become aggrieved and offended when they decline to do so, especially when it was our own ignorance that created the problem.
Do I think that the OP was deliberately, consciously mocking her co-workers name? Nope - at least not as the incident was described in the OP. She did, however, display an astonishing ignorance of the derision aimed at African American culture and the pain that causes. I'm impressed that she at least made an effort to figure out what went wrong. Most people, especially those who claim to be "color-blind", don't even admit they might just have been wrong.
Do I think the co-worker was being "oversensitive"? Possibly - but so is every survivor of abuse or trauma. She clearly misread the OPs intent. She was also clearly "triggered" and sought support where she could. Why should she be responsible for "understanding" the OPs ignorance and Southern ways. What, exactly, is she supposed to do with her own pain or anger? It's not her responsibility to educate her co-worker. Nor is it her job to "grin and bear it" for the sake of not making a scene.
Becoming aware of unconscious racism is emotionally risky business. Who is responsible for doing that emotional work - the one who got hurt or the one who did the hurting, albeit unintentionally?
The thing is, the tech running to HR could result in HR having a knee-jerk response, terminating the OP, just to placate the tech. Was the OP's comment so egregious that she deserves being formally disciplined, even terminated? I don't think so.
Specializes in Oncology; medical specialty website.
Here's one afterthought...
Years ago, when I was in high school, a vice principal overheard me saying a profane word. He said to me in an exaggerated tone, "What would your momma say if she heard you saying that word?"
Although I was the one who was obviously in the wrong, I felt a visceral distaste at hearing the words "your momma." For starters, the school was located in coastal southern California, a region where virtually no one refers to their mothers as "momma." Secondly, "momma" has a negative connotation since people frequently use the phrase "your momma" in corny jokes and mockeries (read: "your momma is fatter than the Empire State Building!").
Finally, I got the sickening vibe that the vice principal was stereotyping me by assuming all AA offspring call their mothers "momma," although race very well may have not played a role in his choice of words at all.
Anyhow, that's my over-analysis of the situation as an AA female. Carry on!
And maybe where that OP was from, "Momma" was a commonly used phrase. Maybe he grew up hearing that, maybe it's what was said in his family, so he didn't see anything wrong with it. It's not all one-sided.
I wouldn't have reported you to HR. But I surely would have asked you to talk, and I would have explained that asking me about my name because it's "unique" makes me feel like I was weird or something. If the name were a "normal" name you wouldn't have asked that obviously. And I get wanting to learn about someone else's culture by asking the origins behind names butttt there's a way to do it. Did your momma name you xyz sounds accusatory like she did something wrong.
Libby1987
3,726 Posts
I've stuck my foot in mouth plenty of times, can't deny that.
The "kindest person" though would have said something like Oh crap I was thoughtless and I don't want to offend anyone like that again, not If she's pulls the race card..
It's often not the error but the response.
So maybe coming from not the kindest person she heard a condescending tone?