I got a counseling letter because I refused to help another staff member with her personal problems?

PoodleBreath · Dec 10, 2021

I agree with others questioning the logistics of this conversation. How many floors does this building have that the elevator ride was so long? If it was both end of shift and break time, why did no other staff get on or off the elevator? Why did the co-worker start crying after being greeted by the poster? What did the poster say as a greeting?

The fundamentals don't make sense. And it's hard to know if the poster was reported for bullying when in fact they weren't, or if they were being a bully and that is the reason the other staff member started crying. Or if they were reported for something else and/or they're blaming it on the crying co-worker. Or even if the counselling letter stated that they were being a bully. Or if the crying staff member even reported them. There's no way to separate fact from fiction.

There's also this poster's history of complaining about being disciplined for very strange reasons, and extreme reactions to common workplace problems.

Delia37, MSN · Dec 10, 2021

23 hours ago, Jedrnurse said:

? Thank you. Your typo made my morning!

Yeah...typing responses at 3AM after a delayed lunch break would do that to you; seems you are easily amused

Jedrnurse, BSN, RN · Dec 10, 2021

2 hours ago, Delia37 said:

Yeah...typing responses at 3AM after a delayed lunch break would do that to you; seems you are easily amused

I wasn't being snarky, honestly. It wasn't the fact that it was a typo (the world knows I've made my share of them), it was the fact that a person who had been accused of bullying was advised to "threat" lightly...

JKL33 · Dec 10, 2021

12 hours ago, PoodleBreath said:

Why did the co-worker start crying after being greeted by the poster?

Well that's kind of a non-starter. After years of observing and interacting humans there is no way I would say that in interpersonal situations people generally cry because someone has done something wrong or that people's feelings get hurt ("making" them cry) only because someone has done something wrong.

I actually really dislike that connotation; it's maddening because it is significantly unfair. People are fully capable of crying in response to interpersonal interactions even though it's anyone's guess whether the other person's behavior was actually provocative or the crying is more due to how people respond to things. I have met at least a couple of crier coworkers who got quite a lot of reinforcement in life related to the fact that someone was always "making" them cry.

12 hours ago, PoodleBreath said:

And it's hard to know if the poster was reported for bullying when in fact they weren't, or if they were being a bully and that is the reason the other staff member started crying. Or if they were reported for something else and/or they're blaming it on the crying co-worker. Or even if the counselling letter stated that they were being a bully. Or if the crying staff member even reported them. There's no way to separate fact from fiction.

Yes, that's true of all personal accounts written on AN. I suspect there are at least a few posters who like to spin tales or who work hard to present situations that get the discussion going by having an element of controversy, or maybe its just to get attention for themselves. Who knows. Maybe the OP is one of these, maybe not.

Someone springing a very personal situation on an unsuspecting coworker and then reporting them for basically saying I'm not equipped to deal with this is annoying and some of the responses here are really unfair. It's disappointing when people can't judge something more neutrally. This site has innumerable stories of ridiculous write-ups, awkward and manipulative coworker behavior and much more. It is not obvious to me that the OP "made" anyone cry. It's even possible that this seemingly-happenstance elevator situation wasn't so happenstance, unbeknownst to the OP.

RNNPICU, BSN, RN · Dec 10, 2021

After reading more of these responses, I reflected back to a few years ago after two people I knew had died. I was "functioning" okay, but always felt on the brink of tears. It had been a rough morning with patient care, and someone just said "HI", and out of nowhere I burst into tears. The person who it happened in front of just said, are you okay, I could barely shake my head no. The person, very nicely said, "I'm sorry this is a hard day". She asked if there was someone I could talk to, I shook my head no, and then suggested if I needed to that often the Chaplains were a good resource if I needed someone.

It was just these kind words that really made a difference that day. I just remember this persons tone was just caring, and her suggestion to seek the chaplain was such a wonderful suggestion.

In other words, if the OP had simply said "I'm sorry you are having a tough time" Is there someone you can talk to? You might want to talk to the Director, etc. I hope you feel better.

The hard part is when the OP started saying I don't want to hear gossip, etc, that was just a little mean.

On the other hand, the person in question was over the top in their reaction to the encounter, Counseling over a not-so-nice response? Although I do know that people have been counseled over a minor interaction and how they responsed to it, just seems a little unfair for that to be an infraction. I think if after every misspeak or misstep all of us had an infraction, no one would ever report a true infraction.

JuliaStevens · Dec 11, 2021

On 12/5/2021 at 11:44 AM, DK123 said:

Spend 10 minutes of my life? Absolutely not. There are things I should know, but there are definitely things that I don't need to know and don't need to put my nose in. I didn't want her bad mouthing her ex, or saying something about her kids. Again why spend 15 minutes, if it has nothing to do with me? Its none of my business, and it has nothing to do with patient care.

Well, lesson learned. It seems it would behoove you to push yourself to lend a supportive ear and just say "how sorry you are to hear this or that," and that "we all go through trying times periodically in our lives, if you're in need of emotional, financial or spiritual support why dint you talk with _________?" "They're better to equipped to help than I am, but you and your family will be in my thoughts." Followed by the warmest smile you can manage to muster. Nurses, NO matter how tired need to remember we are here to heal. If we lose empathy for fellow human beings it's time to move on to finance, or retail, or architecture or whatever.

The story would have ended absolutely tragic and horrific if your coworker ended up hurting herself or heaven forbid her children because she was seriously struggling emotionally, mentally and perhaps financially and just needed someone to tell her things will be okay.

I PROMISE you wouldn't have been hurt by lending a supportive, listening ear and caring heart for 10 minutes.

**canoehead, BSN, RN** · Dec 11, 2021

Next time..."are you OK?" or "how can I help?"

Then just shut up and listen, and say "I have to go, I hope things get better." as you leave. And you CAN just leave if its a stranger.

I find it odd that someone so upset made note of his name and manager to write him up. you might have just run into a drama queen.

Kooky Korky, BSN, RN · Dec 11, 2021

On 12/5/2021 at 4:44 AM, DK123 said:

Basically my shift had ended at 5pm and I was ready to go home. Awkwardly a staff member who is also a Nurse was in the elevator with me she was going on her break. Greeted her and then she began sobbing, and I really was trying to avoid this situation. She began telling me how she is a single mother of 2, and that she had recently gone through a divorce 2 months ago and she didn't know what to do. I'm a very confidential person, I don't like gossip and such. I told her I was sorry she was going through this situation, but I told her to stop telling me more information, and divulging myself into her personal life. I said sorry I do not want to get involved, its not my business. She kept asking me for advice, I said look it has nothing to do with me please stop asking, and I referred her to our facilities Director of care and social worker. The next day I was called into the Directors office and that Nurse had reported me to what I said to her and they made a case that I was bullying her?

Nothing wrong with what I did, I don't put my problems at work. The boss said well you are a Nurse and you should figure out how to help someone. I told them...

1) my shift was over.
2) It had nothing to do with me in the first place.

None of this was in the job description when I applied. I of course did not sign the letter and will fight it, I did not feel like I was bullying her.

Your Director is an idiot.

This nurse needs to be ordered into counseling (Employee Assistance Program)?

She sounds like a nut and might be a danger to herself or others.

We all have personal problems but we must handle them in a way that doesn't inflict ourselves on our coworkers, friends, etc.

Good luck. I would definitely avoid being alone with this other nurse.

17 hours ago, JuliaStevens said:

Well, lesson learned. It seems it would behoove you to push yourself to lend a supportive ear and just say "how sorry you are to hear this or that," and that "we all go through trying times periodically in our lives, if you're in need of emotional, financial or spiritual support why dint you talk with _________?" "They're better to equipped to help than I am, but you and your family will be in my thoughts." Followed by the warmest smile you can manage to muster. Nurses, NO matter how tired need to remember we are here to heal. If we lose empathy for fellow human beings it's time to move on to finance, or retail, or architecture or whatever.

The story would have ended absolutely tragic and horrific if your coworker ended up hurting herself or heaven forbid her children because she was seriously struggling emotionally, mentally and perhaps financially and just needed someone to tell her things will be okay.

I PROMISE you wouldn't have been hurt by lending a supportive, listening ear and caring heart for 10 minutes.

How do you know what his time demands are? Maybe needing to pick up kids? Get to an appointment? Etc.

londonflo · Dec 11, 2021

5 minutes would NOT have hurt his timeline at all.

K. Everly, BSN, RN · Dec 14, 2021

On 12/11/2021 at 1:24 PM, Kooky Korky said:

How do you know what his time demands are? Maybe needing to pick up kids? Get to an appointment? Etc.

You could be right.

Curious, does it take you the same amount of time to say these two phrases?

“Wow, that sounds like so much stress you’re under right now. I don’t have any advice, but I’m sure you can trust your gut. I’m so sorry but I am in a major time crunch. You deserve a caring ear tho, maybe check out our EAP counseling? Take care!”

”I’m sorry you’re was going through this situation, but stop telling me more information, and divulging me into her personal life. Sorry I do not want to get involved, its not my business. Talk to our director or SW.”

DesiDani · Dec 14, 2021

Should of just refered her to one of those hotline numbers, or suggested she contact benefits. I believe it is covered by insurance, at least at my hospital it is.

kdkout, BSN, RN · Dec 15, 2021

I agree with Macawake. Think there’s more to the story, and that you do need to work on social cues. Take an honest look at yourself for why you seem to invite (or create) a lot of drama in your life.

This is not uncommon in nursing, btw. Start working on boundaries now. Playing victim doesn’t help. Most of us can relate to this when we were young and at our first jobs

(I also wonder if English is not OP’s first language, or if OP may be on the ASD spectrum like another poster suggested. Of course, I could easily be wrong about any of these things)