I got a counseling letter because I refused to help another staff member with her personal problems?

[Convoy2022_TrumpSupporter]

Basically my shift had ended at 5pm and I was ready to go home. Awkwardly a staff member who is also a Nurse was in the elevator with me she was going on her break. Greeted her and then she began sobbing, and I really was trying to avoid this situation. She began telling me how she is a single mother of 2, and that she had recently gone through a divorce 2 months ago and she didn't know what to do. I'm a very confidential person, I don't like gossip and such. I told her I was sorry she was going through this situation, but I told her to stop telling me more information, and divulging myself into her personal life. I said sorry I do not want to get involved, its not my business. She kept asking me for advice, I said look it has nothing to do with me please stop asking, and I referred her to our facilities Director of care and social worker. The next day I was called into the Directors office and that Nurse had reported me to what I said to her and they made a case that I was bullying her?

Nothing wrong with what I did, I don't put my problems at work. The boss said well you are a Nurse and you should figure out how to help someone. I told them...

1) my shift was over.
2) It had nothing to do with me in the first place.

None of this was in the job description when I applied. I of course did not sign the letter and will fight it, I did not feel like I was bullying her.

[Wuzzie]

8 minutes ago, macawake said:

If a coworker puts a hand on another coworkers’ shoulder, I would look at the context in which this took place and how the second person reacts to the touch. I wouldn’t be fixated (or really pay much attention to) the toucher’s and the ”touchee’s” sex.

Well yes, that would be reasonable but that isn't how it works here. Not only that, but if you were to do that here and the other person didn't mind but then got mad at you a week later and reported you for touching him/her against their will you would be toast. 

[JKL33]

2 hours ago, macawake said:

It is possible that OP is correct and that he hasn’t been wrong. What I’m trying to convey to OP is that there are a lot of situations in (work) life where while we are technically ”right”, we still find that it isn’t working for us. At that point it might be helpful to come up with a different strategy that might actually work to our advantage and produce the outcomes we desire. 

I do agree with this.

[TaShonda Lewis-Taylor]

18 minutes ago, JKL33 said:

I do agree with this.

His desired outcome is to not be in put into unnecessary uncomfortable situations and then written up for it. It is very "privileged" of another human to decide that he should allow his space to be invaded whether he likes it or not on the premise of outcomes.  I find it amazing we pick and choose who should have boundaries and how those boundaries are expressed. Also, his manager has now given this woman cart blanc to abuse this power. Now if YOU are not in the mood to hear her (and he probably wasn't the first or 5th person that heard her) you can be written up as well. Is that precedent you want to be set at your place of employment. Once, my manager said the other veterinarian complained because I didn't say good morning to her. My response was "so we're in kindergarten now"? We are in VERY stressful jobs and childish behaviors being made acceptable will not only hurt the person immediately involved, but the entire culture. 

[macawake, MSN]

56 minutes ago, JKL33 said:

I am not an American man but I don't think I'm exaggerating my perception/belief that the average American man simply does not have this liberty, at ALL. Are there specific situations where it would be acceptable? Certainly. But not the average workplace scenario.

 

54 minutes ago, Wuzzie said:

Well yes, that would be reasonable but that isn't how it works here. Not only that, but if you were to do that here and the other person didn't mind but then got mad at you a week later and reported you for touching him/her against their will you would be toast. 

I hear what the two of you are saying. I believe you are telling it like it is, but trust me it is so alien to me to think in these terms. 
 

56 minutes ago, JKL33 said:

I do think that if I came on AN and reported that I was riding the elevator minding my own business when a male coworker stepped in and immediately began telling me of his dissatisfaction with his wife compelling me to answer what he should do about it, I would likely take the "gotta go" approach. And I think I would enjoy widespread support, especially if I said he made me feel very uncomfortable.

Sure, if it happened like that I would understand anyone (male or female) feeling uncomfortable. But what if it happened like OP described? I don’t think the crying nurse was saying negative things about the ex-husband. From how I understood OP’s posts, he simply feared she might do that. 

What if a male nurse at your place of work breaks down after you greet him and starts sobbing and tells you how he recently got divorced and that he’s now alone with his two kids and doesn’t know how he’s going to cope with the situation and asks for your advice? Isn’t that different than someone complaining about the ex? Sure, it’s a bit strange to pick a coworker that you don’t know very well and ask for advice, but what if it is a genuine breakdown? 

[Wuzzie]

1 minute ago, macawake said:

I believe you are telling it like it is, but trust me it is so alien to me to think in these terms.

Lucky you.

[TaShonda Lewis-Taylor]

1 hour ago, K. Everly said:

You are right in a lot of this. The behavior of the coworker was unprofessional and weird at best, and baiting and retaliatory at worst. 

I think part of the reason you are seeing people giving the suggestions they are is because a pattern has emerged and frankly, the wording used by the OP in a few posts in this thread was bizarre and cold. 

While we have advice for the OP, since the only thing he can control is himself, it doesn't make what the coworker or manager did OK. He can choose to leave this job, and perhaps he should, but the tone and mannerisms with which he conducts himself will need to be worked on either way IMHO. 

I agree with you 100%. Here's a caveat to that. If he has a pattern of this tone here on this forum, wouldn't that stand to reason he has that tone at work? So why would she go to him? And if that is normal tone/response, wouldn't management have written him up before (not saying they haven't, but he didn't say such in his original post and no one mentioned it so just wondering). I think we all like to force our thoughts and beliefs on others. What I read was a venting post. People took that as he wanted our advice. He doesn't need advice (well except to speak with HR and file a complaint as well). It's weird the hypocrisy in this thread (not you) of everyone saying he should have just listened, yet when he clearly was just venting...they jumped on his case.??‍♀️ Mad weird.

[JKL33]

1 minute ago, TaShonda Lewis-Taylor said:

His desired outcome is to not be in put into unnecessary uncomfortable situations and then written up for it. It is very "privileged" of another human to decide that he should allow his space to be invaded whether he likes it or not on the premise of outcomes.  I find it amazing wr pick and choose who should have boundaries and how those boundaries are expressed. Also, his manager has not given this woman cart blanc to abuse this power. Now if YOU are not in the mood to hear her (and he probably wasn't the first or 5th person that heard her) you can be written up as well. Is that precedent you want to be set at your place of employment. Once, my manager said the other veterinarian complained because I didn't say good morning to her. My response was "so we're in kindergarten now"? We are in VERY stressful jobs and childish behaviors being made acceptable will not only hurt the person immediately involved, but the entire culture. 

Hi.

No I don't think that. My feeling about this is that I think it is messed up, especially the part where the OP gets reported. My previous posts have made that clear.

I stated that I agreed with @macawake on this matter: At some point if a person is having repeated difficulties with being misunderstood or repeated problems where they are rubbing others the wrong way, then it does behoove them to review their own behavior and see how they might tweak their interpersonal signals in order to avoid being misunderstood or to avoid the thing that they are saying they dislike (being reported, being counseled, being disciplined, etc.).

I have made adjustments in my own communications; verbal, non-verbal and paraverbals (e.g. tone of voice) because I am (used to be) a straight communicator who assumed people would just hear what I said and not attach their own meanings and emotions to it. But people do interpret things their own way and at the end of the day I can't make them not do that, so my best choice was to recognize what happens in a communication cycle and change my own part of it in order to not evoke unintended perceptions/reactions.

[Wuzzie]

2 minutes ago, JKL33 said:

At some point if a person is having repeated difficulties with being misunderstood or repeated problems where they are rubbing others the wrong way, then it does behoove them to review their own behavior and see how they might tweak their interpersonal signals in order to avoid being misunderstood or to avoid the thing that they are saying they dislike

I kind of think that's what he is doing here. 

[JKL33]

11 minutes ago, macawake said:

But what if it happened like OP described? I don’t think the crying nurse was saying negative things about the ex-husband.

Ah, thanks.  I went back and read it again. You are correct.

I think the nuts and bolts here are essentially still the same, the theme being: "I had a problem with my romantic partner relationship and now I'm all alone and don't know what to do...."

[macawake, MSN]

11 minutes ago, JKL33 said:

Ah, thanks.  I went back and read it again. You are correct.

I think the nuts and bolts here are essentially still the same, the theme being: "I had a problem with my romantic partner relationship and now I'm all alone and don't know what to do...."

Ooooorrr….I’m all alone and I can’t afford daycare for my youngest, but I also can’t afford to quit my job.. and my older kid has a chronic condition that means I hardly get any sleep at night which is why I’m now standing here bawling like a complete lunatic infront of a coworker in a *****ing elevator (of all places) despite him not wanting anything to do with me… 

I have no idea what actually went on in that elevator. I’m not even convinced that the whole scenario is real as reported. We can all just speculate about what actually happened and the nuances involved. 
 

[JKL33]

1 hour ago, Wuzzie said:

Hence the reason a male nurse often needs to be chaperoned when providing personal care.

Sort of off-topic side note:

Some years ago I decided I would no longer refer to this role using the chaperone terminology in the workplace.

*Since we are talking about communication ?, please let me say that I'm reminiscing--not trying criticize your word choice, which is indeed the commonly used terminology.

Your post just reminded me that I had decided that I thought it was just an unfortunate word choice for the situation. Attendant, assistant, support person -- I will use anything besides chaperone, which reminds me of parents who accompany school outings to keep kids in line (with the understanding that they will be out of line without this kind of supervision). 

The guys at work all do call it chaperone so I guess it doesn't bother them that much but...meh, I wouldn't like it if it were assumed that I would be abusing people/doing wrong if there weren't someone watching me...so it just no longer felt okay call it that.

[Wuzzie]

1 minute ago, JKL33 said:

Some years ago I decided I would no longer refer to this role using the chaperone terminology in the workplace.

We are required to use it. It is part of our documentation.