Basically my shift had ended at 5pm and I was ready to go home. Awkwardly a staff member who is also a Nurse was in the elevator with me she was going on her break. Greeted her and then she began sobbing, and I really was trying to avoid this situation. She began telling me how she is a single mother of 2, and that she had recently gone through a divorce 2 months ago and she didn't know what to do. I'm a very confidential person, I don't like gossip and such. I told her I was sorry she was going through this situation, but I told her to stop telling me more information, and divulging myself into her personal life. I said sorry I do not want to get involved, its not my business. She kept asking me for advice, I said look it has nothing to do with me please stop asking, and I referred her to our facilities Director of care and social worker. The next day I was called into the Directors office and that Nurse had reported me to what I said to her and they made a case that I was bullying her?
Nothing wrong with what I did, I don't put my problems at work. The boss said well you are a Nurse and you should figure out how to help someone. I told them...
1) my shift was over.
2) It had nothing to do with me in the first place.
None of this was in the job description when I applied. I of course did not sign the letter and will fight it, I did not feel like I was bullying her.
If he has a pattern of this tone here on this forum, wouldn't that stand to reason he has that tone at work? So why would she go to him? And if that is normal tone/response, wouldn't management have written him up before (not saying they haven't, but he didn't say such in his original post and no one mentioned it so just wondering).
I think we all like to force our thoughts and beliefs on others. What I read was a venting post. People took that as he wanted our advice. He doesn't need advice (well except to speak with HR and file a complaint as well). It's weird the hypocrisy in this thread (not you) of everyone saying he should have just listened, yet when he clearly was just venting...they jumped on his case.??♀️ Mad weird.
Few things.
1) Context is king. A coworker, in person, approached him in the elevator and had a melt down. That is very different than someone coming onto a forum of opinionated people and expected just to simply vent and not get any actual responses - whether in agreement or disagreement with the OP. This site would be incredibly boring, no?
2) You asked if he had been in trouble before for social type of behavior. Yes, in fact he started a thread where he was. Granted, in that forum as well he was chastised for something that didn't really appear to be his fault, but very much read similarly to this thread about his issues with social interaction and being cold.
3) You asked why this woman would go up to him if he had a known issue with warmth in social interaction. That question is precisely why I, and some other posters here, have mentioned that it seems a bit like baiting. Maybe this was a set-up. Is that okay? Of course not! Maybe he should leave this working environment altogether. Yet, as I stated before, if this was him being targeted, it's because his issue with communication have put a target on his back and he's going to need to work on whatever is underlying here within him so he doesn't continue to have interpersonal conflict in the workplace.
And I hear what you're saying in another post about being petty (ie: not saying good morning), not allowing people to have boundaries and how that these kinds of things contribute to poor healthcare culture. At the same time, with all due respect, you're not a nurse. Almost every other healthcare positions under the sun isn't expected to have the degree of social graces and warm spirit that nurses are. I'm not saying all nurses are kind, but the bar is set pretty high for us for obvious reasons. If OP is cold with his coworkers, it isn't a good sign for his nursing practice in general. You and anybody else is free to disagree, as I actually don't like to force my thoughts or opinions on other people, I just like to present them and you can take them or leave them.
Ooooorrr….I’m all alone and I can’t afford daycare for my youngest, but I also can’t afford to quit my job.. and my older kid has a chronic condition that means I hardly get any sleep at night which is why I’m now standing here bawling like a complete lunatic infront of a coworker in a *****ing elevator (of all places) despite him not wanting anything to do with me…
Very true, all speculation. But....to that point, there's something like 9 or so female nurses for every male nurse in many nurses' workplaces. So that's why I said I'm not so sure this was even happenstance.
There are a lot of possibilities. Even if we stipulate that she was indeed just overwhelmed and distraught and used break time to release some stress and worry, that's understandable. The reporting part is what brings everything into question.
8 minutes ago, Wuzzie said:
We are required to use it. It is part of our documentation.
I know. I'm just sharing the idea because somebody decides these things (not us, but we might find ourselves in a position to offer an opinion about it, which I did in my workplace).
I can easily make a note without using a word to convey I was there to babysit the male provider. Observer, attendant, "present for the procedure..."
There was not a specific statement we were required to use in the EMR at the time, so I was given permission to use whatever verbiage I wanted as long as it conveyed my presence.
Thankfully there is one gender that is not prone to histrionics. Personally, I am I a woman, and especially now that I have PTSD, I can easily break down and cry. I used to be quiet stoic, but now I've given myself permission to cry.
But the wonderful emotional gift that men give to the world is that they don't do this very often. Along with that quality comes another one, which means that they don't know what the heck is going on when a woman starts crying. They get very confused by the whole thing.
The trouble with nursing as its female-dominated. Fortunately, that has been changing.
Specializes in Peds/outpatient FP,derm,allergy/private duty.
7 hours ago, Mary P. said:
It’s very sad a colleague would not offer support. This poor staff member is struggling and it took a lot of courage to make herself so vulnerable in the elevator. She is desperate for help and may not even be fit for duty. Does it matter if you are on the clock or not ? Is that the heart of a nurse ?? Please do what we are called to do- help a person in need
I respect what you are saying, but it actually alludes to what I feel is a perfectly legitimate discussion within the nursing profession. The controversy very likely may have started when Jean Watkins theories barrelled into a much more diverse group of nursing students starting out, in this case I will venture to point out that men in particular objected to judgements relating to callings and what is "the heart of a nurse".
All of us are doing our share of filling in the blanks here, but it's just as possible that when DK123 referred the distraught nurse to the social worker and the facilities manager the nurse was upset about it and accused him of bullying her, which he clearly was not doing.
I completely understand where you are coming from. I too am the same way. I keep my issues to myself and I don’t like to get involved in gossip or things that don’t involve me either. However, the way I would’ve of approach the situation is by simply listening to her and give her a hug. Sometimes a gesture like this helps a person feel better in the moment. Maybe offer a little prayer? I wouldn’t be dismissive to anyone. You never know what that person’s state of mind could be. What if she was suicidal? She seemed like she was in distress. Anyhow that is how I would’ve of approached the situation. I’m not saying you are a bad person for the way you handled the situation. But our compassion for others shouldn’t be turned off after we “clock out.”
On 12/15/2021 at 12:25 PM, TaShonda Lewis-Taylor said:
His desired outcome is to not be in put into unnecessary uncomfortable situations and then written up for it. It is very "privileged" of another human to decide that he should allow his space to be invaded whether he likes it or not on the premise of outcomes. I find it amazing we pick and choose who should have boundaries and how those boundaries are expressed. Also, his manager has now given this woman cart blanc to abuse this power. Now if YOU are not in the mood to hear her (and he probably wasn't the first or 5th person that heard her) you can be written up as well. Is that precedent you want to be set at your place of employment. Once, my manager said the other veterinarian complained because I didn't say good morning to her. My response was "so we're in kindergarten now"? We are in VERY stressful jobs and childish behaviors being made acceptable will not only hurt the person immediately involved, but the entire culture.
On 12/15/2021 at 12:36 PM, TaShonda Lewis-Taylor said:
I agree with you 100%. Here's a caveat to that. If he has a pattern of this tone here on this forum, wouldn't that stand to reason he has that tone at work? So why would she go to him? And if that is normal tone/response, wouldn't management have written him up before (not saying they haven't, but he didn't say such in his original post and no one mentioned it so just wondering). I think we all like to force our thoughts and beliefs on others. What I read was a venting post. People took that as he wanted our advice. He doesn't need advice (well except to speak with HR and file a complaint as well). It's weird the hypocrisy in this thread (not you) of everyone saying he should have just listened, yet when he clearly was just venting...they jumped on his case.??♀️ Mad weird.
We all like to force our thoughts and beliefs on others? Maybe you do. I just want to be left alone to kibbitz/gossip/counsel/share or not. Ever think of going to work just to do the work and get your check and be left out of letting your hard down with peers or allowing them to get too "friendly" with you or too dependent upon you?
The nurse telling her woes to OP in the elevator and expecting anything but a grunt in reply is sick and needs counseling. Let her go cry to her boss and let the boss take on the weight of counseling her. You'll see how fast the boss will get rid of her.
Hi there! Since this is your very first post here I don’t think you’re in a position to be certain regarding how anyone of us would have reacted if the roles had been reversed.
I would have responded the exact same way if the crying nurse had been male and OP had been female. It may well be a cultural thing. There are some posts in this thread that appear to suggest that perhaps this situation was extra difficult for OP since he’s male and the crying person a female. I don’t personally understand why that matters. These people are both nurses. One happens to be male, the other female. I’m not an American and here, no one would think it was the least bit strange or inappropriate if a male coworker comforted an upset female coworker by talking to them and placing their hand on the crying person’s shoulder, or even hug them.
I might have agreed if I’d felt that the story made sense.
I already commented on the fact that I think the exchange sounds implausibly long for an elevator ride.
So we have one nurse in an elevator who greets another nurse. The second nurse then bursts our crying and starts blurting out details about her recent divorce and how she has two children and doesn’t know what to do. The first nurse then says repeatedly that they do not want to know, they want the other person to stop telling them things, that they do not want to get involved, that none of what the other person says is their business. But the crying person just keepson asking for advice. She isn’t deterred and doesn’t feel rejected despite someone saying that they don’t want to hear any more.
The crying person doesn’t need to work on reading ”social cues”. There was no subtle message being sent here with the help of body language, facial expressions or verbal tone/ inflection. OP was very direct and told them that he did not want the other person to keep talking and he did not want to listen to them.
After all this the crying nurse goes to the Director and complains that they feel bullied by the OP. The Director appears to take everything the crying nurse said as the truth and an accurate and unbiased report of the events (despite one would assume the crying nurse being visibly emotional) since they never appear to have bothered asking OP if the story they’d been told by crying nurse matches OP’s experience. The Director then goes on to reprimand OP.
Can I definitely say that it couldn’t have happened exactly like this? Of course not. I guess this constellation of characters could exist somewhere in the universe. I just don’t think the chain of events described sound very plausible.
I’ve read several of OP’s threads and there is a common theme. OP gets involved in some kind of conflict and becomes the target of some manager’s attention. The reaction is always; I didn’t do anything wrong and this is not in my job description. Very adamant and quite rigid. In this thread he describes that he doesn’t like gossip. But a person crying, confiding in you and telling you about their own problems isn’t gossip, is it?
It is possible that OP is correct and that he hasn’t been wrong. What I’m trying to convey to OP is that there are a lot of situations in (work) life where while we are technically ”right”, we still find that it isn’tworking for us. At that point it might be helpful to come up with a different strategy that might actually work to our advantage and produce the outcomes we desire.
OP was not wrong. It was the other person who needs a Psych consult.
For his own benefit, OP could try to be a little more friendly. But only a little. If he is too friendly, the other party will just want more and more from him.
Kind of like OP can't win.
And it is NOT OK in the US for a man to touch a woman's shoulder except MAYBE in plain view of at least a couple of observers. Such gestures are so easily misinterpreted.
This might be TLT's first post but she might have been reading AN for a long time.
We all like to force our thoughts and beliefs on others? Maybe you do. I just want to be left alone to kibbitz/gossip/counsel/share or not. Ever think of going to work just to do the work and get your check and be left out of letting your hard down with peers or allowing them to get too "friendly" with you or too dependent upon you?
The nurse telling her woes to OP in the elevator and expecting anything but a grunt in reply is sick and needs counseling. Let her go cry to her boss and let the boss take on the weight of counseling her. You'll see how fast the boss will get rid of her.
Stand to reason?
Innocent until PROVEN guilty.
LOL so true. I can 1000% guarantee you the manager that wrote him up wouldn't put up with it either.
No...I later found out she was being groomed to be the lead vet (I had been there 2 years and specified at my hiring I would be the first offered that position if it came available). She had a chip on her shoulder as if she was running things...that is until she killed one of my patients with a botched surgery. We got sued. Despite the hell she and the managers made life during that time, I was the only one that consoled her. Now years later, we're cool. Oh and the manager that reprimanded me was later fired. ??♀️
K. Everly, BSN, RN
335 Posts
Few things.
1) Context is king. A coworker, in person, approached him in the elevator and had a melt down. That is very different than someone coming onto a forum of opinionated people and expected just to simply vent and not get any actual responses - whether in agreement or disagreement with the OP. This site would be incredibly boring, no?
2) You asked if he had been in trouble before for social type of behavior. Yes, in fact he started a thread where he was. Granted, in that forum as well he was chastised for something that didn't really appear to be his fault, but very much read similarly to this thread about his issues with social interaction and being cold.
3) You asked why this woman would go up to him if he had a known issue with warmth in social interaction. That question is precisely why I, and some other posters here, have mentioned that it seems a bit like baiting. Maybe this was a set-up. Is that okay? Of course not! Maybe he should leave this working environment altogether. Yet, as I stated before, if this was him being targeted, it's because his issue with communication have put a target on his back and he's going to need to work on whatever is underlying here within him so he doesn't continue to have interpersonal conflict in the workplace.
And I hear what you're saying in another post about being petty (ie: not saying good morning), not allowing people to have boundaries and how that these kinds of things contribute to poor healthcare culture. At the same time, with all due respect, you're not a nurse. Almost every other healthcare positions under the sun isn't expected to have the degree of social graces and warm spirit that nurses are. I'm not saying all nurses are kind, but the bar is set pretty high for us for obvious reasons. If OP is cold with his coworkers, it isn't a good sign for his nursing practice in general. You and anybody else is free to disagree, as I actually don't like to force my thoughts or opinions on other people, I just like to present them and you can take them or leave them.