I feel uncomfortable doing this

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A family member who I have only met once 10 years ago asked me on a social media site if I can write a letter of recommendation. I presume its for nursing school since she needs a RN.

I'm very uncomfortable with this and have not responded to the request. I am uncomfortable with making up stuff. How would you respond if placed in this situation?

Weird situation.

I was once asked by a friend if I could please complete a 'recommendation form' for her son. He was applying for a job that asked for the listed references to write answers on their form, and return it to them directly. I only found out that I had even been listed because I GOT the form in the mail. :cautious:

I looked over the whole thing, and really didn't feel comfortable at all with completing it honestly and returning it. See, if I wrote what I REALLY felt were the appropriate answers, the kid wouldn't get the job and my friend would be angry. Of course, completing it with BS answers would be the easy way out, BUT I just don't roll that way. My name, my word MEANS something to me and anyone who has received a genuine letter of recommendation from me.

So I ended up calling my friend, telling her about the situation, and why I just wasn't so sure Johnny was a great fit for the job he was going after; I told her the form made some pretty specific inquiries and I just didn't think I was in the best position to give them the answers that would help him. Although she started out with "Oh, good, you got the form! Johnny is so hoping to get this job...." she listened. She understood more than I thought, which was a relief! She already understood her son's shortcomings, and so didn't press me when I hedged on it. She even told me to just forget the form, that he'd either get the job without it or not, but I shouldn't feel put in the middle. THAT's a friend. :yes:

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You could also send the letter to the individual themself I guess and let them decide whether to submit it.

Dear Soandso,

I have been asked to write a recommendation for my cousin's sisters's neice's child to attend your nursing school.

Regretfully, the last time I saw this person was ten years ago. I have heard about them now and then through the family grapevine and it is my understanding that she has never been arrested, made good grades in high school, has no children, has gained some weight since graduating, hasn't posted too many incriminating selfies on Facebook and that she finally got rid of the loser boyfriend her mother hated. Oh, and that she can't make a jello mold to save her life but she makes a great chocolate chip cookie that my mother has been trying to get the recipe for since we last saw her 10 years ago.

Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance to you.

ROFL....I'm thinking people think carefully before asking you for a letter! :D

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What are family for?

Write the damn letter........

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What are family for?

Write the damn letter........

But you are not a nurse. Would you write a letter of recommendation for someone in your family interested in the trade/industry that you have made your reputation in??

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Specializes in hospice.
What are family for?

Write the damn letter........

Family is for lying? Maybe in the mafia.

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Specializes in ER, PACU, Med-Surg, Hospice, LTC.

Definitely respond as soon as possible and tell her no. Be honest with her! Tell her you don't know her well enough to write an honest reference letter. If she's mature, she will totally understand. If she's not, well, this will be a good learning experience for her.

Better to be honest and say no than to write some mediocre reference letter that she really can't use. I had an instructor do that to me. So passive-aggressive.

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Better to be honest and say no than to write some mediocre reference letter that she really can't use. I had an instructor do that to me. So passive-aggressive.

After this happened to me, I learned to ask at least one more person than necessary to get usable letters for the purpose. One individual, educated at the MSN level, wrote three sentences that could not even be conjured to make an identifiable paragraph. And I had to prod them to get the letter at the last minute. Had I known that they really did not want to provide the letter, I could have asked somebody that would have acted in a professional manner.

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You didn't specify whether it was a professional or personal reference. Is there any gray here? Do you know her at all? Met her once and that was that? Or kept in contact over Facebook and are connected to mutual relatives and you've heard all about her growing up and volunteering for Red Cross?

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Specializes in Mental Health Nursing.
What are family for?

Write the damn letter........

Just because someone is family does not mean they are owed anything. The OP said she only met this family member once, so how can she write a letter speaking on her behalf? I'm always suspicious about people who are quick to lie out of some false sense of obligation.

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Is the nursing school truly concerned with the information provided in the letters? Will they use it in deciding whether or not to accept a prospective student? No. Its just another requirement students must do if they are serious about the program. Its yet another hoop for students to jump through. Recommendations are positive by definition. They focus on how wonderful and great the person is blah blah blah. Repetitive useless fluff. I wonder if an actual person reads through all those letters. I suspect they just check-mark that the letters are submitted along with all the other requirements.

Personally, I would have no problem helping someone out by writing a recommendation letter if I know my opinions aren't really needed. In those situations, its really not about honesty or integrity. On the other hand, being a reference for a job requires that you know specifics about the person so I would agree only if I'm close with that person and could provide honest feedback. Even then, references aren't that reliable either since they are provided at the discretion of the applicant which makes them automatically biased.

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Specializes in Medical Oncology, Alzheimer/dementia.

I'd be reluctant to vouch for a distant family member who I only met once. I personally think it takes nerve to make that type of request. If I don't know someone's work ethic or strengths/weaknesses, how can I in good faith recommend them for anything?

OP, you are right to feel uncomfortable, and that is probably your gut telling you that it's not the best idea. Go with your gut.

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But you are not a nurse. Would you write a letter of recommendation for someone in your family interested in the trade/industry that you have made your reputation in??

This is for a Nursing School

School are now all about the money and getting student loans

Just some BS letter and just a hoop to jump thru to make the nursing school appear like they have integrity..........

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