I feel uncomfortable doing this

Meriwhen, ASN, BSN, MSN, RN · Mar 17, 2015

A family member who I have only met once 10 years ago asked me on a social media site if I can write a letter of recommendation. I presume its for nursing school since she needs a RN.
I'm very uncomfortable with this and have not responded to the request. I am uncomfortable with making up stuff. How would you respond if placed in this situation?

I would tell her that since we don't really know each other that well, that I'm probably not the best person to write a letter of recommendation for her. I would also add that since we are related family members, that a recommendation from me wouldn't carry as much weight because we're related, or even not be accepted period (it's not uncommon for organizations to refuse references/recommendations from relatives).

I would offer suggestions as to who she should ask for a letter (teachers, employers, etc.).

Then I'd ignore further requests.

allnurses Guide · Mar 17, 2015

You could also send the letter to the individual themself I guess and let them decide whether to submit it.

Dear Soandso,

I have been asked to write a recommendation for my cousin's sisters's neice's child to attend your nursing school.

Regretfully, the last time I saw this person was ten years ago. I have heard about them now and then through the family grapevine and it is my understanding that she has never been arrested, made good grades in high school, has no children, has gained some weight since graduating, hasn't posted too many incriminating selfies on Facebook and that she finally got rid of the loser boyfriend her mother hated. Oh, and that she can't make a jello mold to save her life but she makes a great chocolate chip cookie that my mother has been trying to get the recipe for since we last saw her 10 years ago.

Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance to you.

Red Kryptonite · Mar 17, 2015

I just have a problem with lying. Ugh. Hard situation.

That would be because you're a decent person.

I once refused to give a positive reference to one of those weekly rent to own appliance/furniture stores FOR MY OWN MOTHER because it would have been a lie. They asked me if she was responsible with money, and I told them no. Frankly I don't know why she asked them to call me, but maybe she thought I'd "just make things easier" and lie for her based on genetics. Well, sorry, I think someone getting ready to extend credit to a financial basket case has a right to know. She still got her couches or whatever, so they took the risk, but not based on any sunshine I blew up their rears.

I've already told my kids that in addition to not bailing anyone out of jail, and I don't lie for anyone. I have to go home with my conscience at night, and my integrity is too valuable to me.

psu_213, BSN, RN · Mar 17, 2015

I would tell her that since we don't really know each other that well, that I'm probably not the best person to write a letter of recommendation for her.

I was thinking along the same lines. Tell her that you don't really know her and that it would likely be a boring, generic, uninspired letter that is unlikely to help her. If some organization (school or otherwise) is asking her to get a letter from an RN, then she has likely had interactions with an RN/with RNs. These are the best people to write the letter.

Also, as Meriwhen said, bring up the family member issue. Tell that "even if they don't explicitly say so, they are likely to ignore a letter that is written by one of your family members.

scaredsilly, BSN, RN · Mar 17, 2015

ICUMaggie and not.done.yet both nailed it!

Or you could go something like this:

[name] is my (relationship) and though I only met her once, I don't think she ever made a negligent mistake that killed anyone. I cannot recommend her based on my knowledge of her, but my mother says she is ok

nurseprnRN, BSN, RN · Mar 17, 2015

Dear long lost relative,
[deleted text and other edits to original] I cannot write a letter of reference as we have only met once. Since we have never worked together, I have no way of knowing anything about your skills and abilities. I do wish you the very best in your future endeavors.
Sincerely, aprnqday

Women say "I'm sorry" waaaaay more than men. You have nothing to apologize for here, so don't say so.

Angeljho, MSN, NP · Mar 17, 2015

That would be because you're a decent person.
I once refused to give a positive reference to one of those weekly rent to own appliance/furniture stores FOR MY OWN MOTHER because it would have been a lie. They asked me if she was responsible with money, and I told them no. Frankly I don't know why she asked them to call me, but maybe she thought I'd "just make things easier" and lie for her based on genetics. Well, sorry, I think someone getting ready to extend credit to a financial basket case has a right to know. She still got her couches or whatever, so they took the risk, but not based on any sunshine I blew up their rears.
I've already told my kids that in addition to not bailing anyone out of jail, and I don't lie for anyone. I have to go home with my conscience at night, and my integrity is too valuable to me.

I definitely would not know what to do in this situation. My mother is difficult and wouldn't be shy about saying, "Don't ever ask me for anything. You're going to need me one day" blah blah blah (She can be dramatic).

I do agree, however. Writing a reference for someone you don't know (family or not) will only set yourself up once you vouch that they're competent and they prove otherwise. Something similar happened to me with an old friend who needed a professional recommendation after completing his ADN. I kindly told him that I wouldn't be the best person to write a professional recommendation for him, but would be more than happy to write a personal one.

Saying "no" also motivates them to network and become more active in establishing important relationships. A lot of people find comfort in asking family members or simply people they know because they're too afraid to approach their boss, supervisors, or professors.

RschIVF40 · Mar 17, 2015

I agree with icumaggieRN and Meriwhen. Also, if you end up writing a recommendation letter for nursing school for this relative, they may then expect assistance regarding another recommendation letter when they graduate and start looking for their first job as well. I am in total agreement that you suggest that this relative utilize recommendations from their instructors or employers, as these individuals would be able to better assess this relative's traits and/or working style than yourself since you barely know her. Best Wishes!

Here.I.Stand, BSN, RN · Mar 17, 2015

I like ICURNMaggie and Meriwhen's suggestions. Now if the relative lived near enough to me for us to actually meet face-to-face (I do have many relatives that I haven't seen in ages, just because of the pace life moves at), I might offer to meet with her and "interview" her about her goals, her strengths, what nursing means to her, etc. Then if I'm satisfied with her answers, consider writing the letter. That's just me though. At the end of the day, if you can't do it with clear confidence, then you shouldn't feel pressured to.

northmississippi · Mar 17, 2015

You could tell them that while you have had limited contact with the individual, you know that his family has a good reputation and work ethics and that you haven't know him to be in trouble or anything.

macawake, MSN · Mar 17, 2015

I just have a problem with lying. Ugh. Hard situation.

It shouldn't be a hard situation. You've met this person ONCE, ten years ago. You don't know her. How could you possibly provide a reference? Make stuff up as you go along? Ask others what think of her and parrot their opinions? I don't even think that it's fair of her to ask this of you.

Women say "I'm sorry" waaaaay more than men. You have nothing to apologize for here, so don't say so.

GrnTea, I agree wholeheartedly. I'm sorry is reserved for when one has done something wrong.

MrChicagoRN, RN · Mar 17, 2015

I would write a letter. Life is hard enough even with supportive people helping you; no need to make it harder on your family member by refusing his/her request. Just do it. If you really feel that bad, arrange for him/her to shadow you for a few days on the job and then write it.

Really?

Like any healthcare facility is going to let an employee drag a stranger around in its facility and be around patients. And what could you then write? "Joe has a pleasant personality, a nice smile, and appears interested."

And if the person is a total pill? Could cause lots of problems at work, and with the family if after all that you decide you can't write the letter.

perhaps the OP could dig a little deeper and figure out exactly what is needed, and then brainstorm with them to suggest a solution.