I feel uncomfortable doing this

Published

A family member who I have only met once 10 years ago asked me on a social media site if I can write a letter of recommendation. I presume its for nursing school since she needs a RN.

I'm very uncomfortable with this and have not responded to the request. I am uncomfortable with making up stuff. How would you respond if placed in this situation?

This is for a Nursing School

School are now all about the money and getting student loans

Just some BS letter and just a hoop to jump thru to make the nursing school appear like they have integrity..........

Well, then why doesn't long lost family member ask someone who actually knows her?

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in kids.
This is for a Nursing School

School are now all about the money and getting student loans

Just some BS letter and just a hoop to jump thru to make the nursing school appear like they have integrity..........

Um no, not all are like that.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Family Medicine.

I would see it as an opportunity to get know this family member better. I'd ask them to send me their resume and have them answer a series of questions about their goals, work ethic, and skill sets. I would not feel comfortable writing the letter without this information.

That's just me, however.

There's nothing wrong with you denying this request and saying exactly what RobotNurse said.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Is the nursing school truly concerned with the information provided in the letters? Will they use it in deciding whether or not to accept a prospective student? No. Its just another requirement students must do if they are serious about the program. Its yet another hoop for students to jump through. Recommendations are positive by definition. They focus on how wonderful and great the person is blah blah blah. Repetitive useless fluff. I wonder if an actual person reads through all those letters. I suspect they just check-mark that the letters are submitted along with all the other requirements.

Personally, I would have no problem helping someone out by writing a recommendation letter if I know my opinions aren't really needed. In those situations, its really not about honesty or integrity. On the other hand, being a reference for a job requires that you know specifics about the person so I would agree only if I'm close with that person and could provide honest feedback. Even then, references aren't that reliable either since they are provided at the discretion of the applicant which makes them automatically biased.

Idea! Maybe PM OP your address, and she can give it to long lost family member and you can write the letter!

Up Vote Up Vote ×
What are family for?

Write the damn letter........

Family is for vouching for someone whom no one else will? Even if this were to be true (and I don't believe it to be), how do you vouch for someone you DON'T KNOW? The OP said the person asking was someone she MET ONCE, ten YEARS ago. Based on this, the OP should sign her name saying this person should get the position they are asking for?

Doesn't it seem odd that the person asking doesn't actually know someone who will vouch for them honestly? Otherwise, wouldn't be asking the equivalent of a stranger for a favor.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
...

Personally, I would have no problem helping someone out by writing a recommendation letter if I know my opinions aren't really needed. In those situations, its really not about honesty or integrity.

I couldn't disagree with this more than I do now. My signature on the bottom of a statement indicates I believe the statements to be true and I stand behind them. How is this "not about honesty or integrity"?

If I don't know someone, and therefore don't know if they are even a marginal candidate, why would I do this?

The nursing world is far smaller than people think, at least until one starts working and moving around in that world. You might be surprised who you come across in your career. I sure as heck don't want it to be someone who BELIEVED my FOS statement about an applicant's worth, and lost out because of placing that trust with me.

If someone can't come up with anyone who would recommend them, save a distant relation one hasn't seen in 10 years and has met ONCE, then that is probably NOT a person who should be recommended. Why would anyone want to give a spot to someone who fits that description over someone who HONESTLY has real recommendations for it?

Up Vote Up Vote ×
This is for a Nursing School

School are now all about the money and getting student loans

Just some BS letter and just a hoop to jump thru to make the nursing school appear like they have integrity..........

So is this how your wife got into nursing school? Did she find someone she didn't really know to supply her with a letter and or funding?

I hope she didn't go this route to find her references for work when she reaches America

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Family Medicine.

I meant to say icuRNmaggie. Although, I do like what RobotNurse said too.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
This is for a Nursing School

School are now all about the money and getting student loans

Just some BS letter and just a hoop to jump thru to make the nursing school appear like they have integrity..........

I respectfully disagree.

Writing a letter of recommendation is a serious matter. In doing so, you are placing your professional reputation on the line in reference to another individual. If anyone here is like me, (and I suspect many are), there have been years of practice and interaction that have gone into building that professional reputation. This is regardless of discipline.

I am currently going through the application process for the next step in my nursing career. Although there are two other RN's, one LPN, and one Physician in my family, they are distant relatives. Relatives I've not seen in person for many years (since childhood in one case). There is no justification I could think of to solicit letters of recommendation from any of them. They haven't worked with me, and they don't know me well. We only see each other at family reunions really.

I think the opposite applies as well in terms of the applicant. Specifically the question, " Why would I hinge my acceptance partially onto someone who knows little to nothing about me professionally and personally?"

In my opinion, putting your professional reputation on the line for someone you don't even know is akin to flirting with disaster.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

This is where family can be sticky. However, you don't know them except for that at one point you met them during a family gathering over ten years ago. You are like strangers and it is unfair for them to ask you to do this for them, especially if you haven't remained in touch until now. I would kindly tell the person that you are sorry that you cannot help them because you don't know enough about them to be a credible reference and you're not willing to compromise your integrity by writing a letter that isn't based on personal knowledge about the person but what would look nice on paper. If this is for entry to a nursing school and they really want to be a nurse for the right reasons, they will respect your decision and stop asking. Since you are family and this person didn't have the decency not to ask you, you were a quick answer to the item that they needed. If someone needs a letter from a nurse, there are ways to get involved in volunteer work for a nursing facility and after developing a working relationship with the staff one of the nurses would be able to write a valid and credible letter without feeling like they are being asked to lie. I did my clinicals at a hospital where a young woman volunteered each morning refilling water pitchers for a couple hours. Many of the nurses knew her well enough to vouch for her if she was to ask for assistance with something like this.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in None yet..
I would write a letter. Life is hard enough even with supportive people helping you; no need to make it harder on your family member by refusing his/her request. Just do it. If you really feel that bad, arrange for him/her to shadow you for a few days on the job and then write it.

The arrange to shadow is a great idea, generous and fair. But doing anything more than saying the truth is unfair to everyone.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Oncology; medical specialty website.
I would write a letter. Life is hard enough even with supportive people helping you; no need to make it harder on your family member by refusing his/her request. Just do it. If you really feel that bad, arrange for him/her to shadow you for a few days on the job and then write it.

If you write a letter, you're responsible for what you say. Suppose this family member has a history that would make him/her unsuitable for nursing? (OP stated she thought this was for nursing school.) Why should the OP vouch for someone she doesn't know?

Let the family member get a reference from someone who knows him/her. The OP doesn't owe her relative anything.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
+ Join the Discussion