I am very embarrassed... my work day yesterday.

Long Term Care Columnist / Guide · Sep 6, 2005

Okay y'all, I think I have written my own ticket out of being comfortable ever in my job, yesterday. I am sooooo embarrassed.
Here is what happened. I have been orienting on a pediatrics floor about six weeks now, I guess, not counting some class time. Soon, I will be on my own. I have been feeling overwhelmed somewhat and like I can't remember ANYTHING much of the time, even now after several weeks of orientation. Although I do love my patients. I still forget things like how to take off orders and forget to update care plans on the computer with new orders or situations, and what to do for certain tests or something. And I have yet to get an IV in on a patient on this unit, or to get in a catheter. Things like that. My preceptor always reminds me and she is very nice about it but I feel so stupid every time since it is always something I realize that I SHOULD know. And it just seems like there are so many more things to remember and such than I would ever have realized, different situations I would have NO idea how to deal with. And she has to remind me so many things all the time, seems like every shift.
So yesterday we came to the end of the shift, and ALL of the other new grads were finished and gone by the end of report, by 7:15. While I had not nearly finished my charting or chart checks etc. and knew it would be a while till I did. Our nurse manager came over right before report and asked for us (myself and my preceptor) to meet with her, we said we would after report. So we reported off and I was still working on care plans etc. and we went to the nurse mgr's office to meet with her, my preceptor knocks on the door and she says to wait a little while. So we are standing outside the office door and I am thinking about things and all that I have left to chart and how much less competent I think I am than the other new grads who have all left on time, and my preceptor asks me if there is anything she can do to help make things easier for me and I shake my head and suddenly tears come to my eyes for some dumb reason. I had been thinking earlier that I would call my old roommate when I got back home and if I needed to cry, I would cry with her and talk about how I was feeling, but suddenly there I was with tears in my eyes and my preceptor of course telling me not to cry. Then the nurse mgr. opens the door and we go in and she just wants to know how things are going. I say I think I am doing okay and then I try to explain what I think I am doing wrong, and then I start crying again! I was so embarrassed, to cry in front of my boss who hardly knows me yet, and in front of my preceptor who has worked so hard to help me do well and is so sweet and helpful and such a good nurse. Could anyone BE such an idiot??? And they both tried to reassure me that I am doing fine, and tell me what I am doing well. Which did make me feel better. But then I said things that I don't think convinced them that I believed them, and now I'm afraid they will think they have to keep on and on reassuring me that I am doing okay even if they don't really think I am. And they may think that I am close to quitting which I am definitely NOT!!!!! Or that they didn't do a good job teaching me which they have, especially my preceptor. And now my boss, my manager will think I am such a weak person and unstable and should not be taking care of patients. Not strong enough to really be a good nurse. I know some of these are paranoid thoughts with possibly not much basis in reality but they've been running through my head these past hours and I had to get them out somewhere. I am feeling quite embarrassed and ashamed of myself. To cry at work over myself! I tried to tell them mostly it had just been kind of a rough day but I don't think they believed me. It was mostly true.
But then, some of the other new grads have told me I seem so calm all the time, when inside, much of the time, I have been feeling lost and confused and like I am not giving my patients near the care they deserve whatsoever, nowhere close to calm!! They just all seem like such good nurses and to know what they are doing, and intelligent too. I have always thought that I was intelligent too, but had begun to doubt myself. And it all just came out AT WORK, in front of my preceptor AND manager!!! It makes me so mad at myself. I now have to prove myself all over again, that I am not some weak person always needing reassurance, recognition, or some such. My manager told me at the meeting that after my interview she said to the nurse educator on our floor "we HAVE to hire her!" and that she told my preceptor in the class that she was "getting a good one". Now I am sure that is not what they think. And to let some such personal stuff become evident in front of MY BOSS that is not acceptable either.
Sorry to write all this out, and I don't really expect much response especially seeing how LOOOOONG this is. But I needed a place to vent and this is the best place I could think of at the moment. I am living by myself in a city where I haven't made many friends yet, my own fault I know for not making effort, but you allnurses people have seen me at my worst and you are all nurses so you may understand some of these feelings. I don't go back to work till Thursday and I am so worried about feeling embarrassed when I see my preceptor or my manager again imagining what they will think of me. Or that my preceptor will think she has done a bad job. She is only like four years older than me, and yet I feel so immature now, that I cried and turned to her for reassurance. I am supposed to be a strong adult person now! But anyway. Thanks for listening. I think I have set a record on post length with this one.

Dear Rayrae...........how to convince you that you have to be a little easier on yourself??

First and foremost, STOP COMPARING YOURSELF WITH OTHERS. It does no one any good, and it doesn't prove anything, good or bad. All you can do each day is go out there and take care of the patients---give it your best effort, be open to learning experiences, and remember, you can only make mistakes when you try to DO something.

And please don't think you're the first nurse, new grad or otherwise, who's ever cried in front of a preceptor, a supervisor, or even the vice-president of nursing services! Believe me, they've seen this before, and unless they are hateful people, they will think none the less of you for it. In fact, I personally think it shows that you care about doing a good job, which is more than I can say for some nurses I've worked with!

Take it easy; be gentle with yourself. You are a new nurse and cannot be expected to have everything under control at this stage of your career.......this is a HARD job, and no one ever gets it completely down pat, not even after doing it for decades. I've been in health care for over 10 years, and I learn something new every single shift I work; why would you expect yourself to have it all together when I'm still working at perfecting MY craft? :)

Please, be a little kinder to yourself. You will make a great nurse. You just can't do it all in a few weeks!

Hope this helps you.

Marla

USA987, MSN, RN, NP · Sep 6, 2005

I agree with the above post. Please, please, please quit beating yourself up.

You think that you need to prove yourself all over again because you shed some tears in your bosses office??? I promise you, you don't. Hey, I've cried in my bosses office before and I've even seen her cry in her office!!

As far as skills like caths and IV's...that will come with time. Some of us tend to be better at certain clinical skills than others. All of us will admit that we work with one or two "go to people" for that hard iv stick.

Please don't compare yourself to your new grad counterparts. There's so many reasons why they could have gotten out before you. Maybe your preceptor is more thorough...maybe your patient load was higher in acuity...maybe, maybe, maybe...(you get my point :) ).

You sound like a very consenscious nurse and from the comments your preceptor and boss made, it sounds like they believe that you'll flourish in your new role as an RN.

Stand tall and work hard. We all have lapses in our emotional judgement once in awhile. :balloons:

llg, PhD, RN · Sep 6, 2005

Rayrae: Believe me, your preceptor and your boss have both seen lots of people cry. It's part of the job. It wasn't a big thing to them. Don't make it such a big thing to you. You needed to release some of the stress and you did -- through your tears. That's a normal process.

Here's what I would do if I were you: I would write them each a little thank you note on pretty stationary, thanking them letting them vent your frustration. Don't be afraid to admit that you are a little embarrassed about it and tell them that you really appreciate their kindness and support. Say good things about the unit and how much you have learned, etc. There is no need to buy them a little gift or anything, but a thank-you note might be a good idea. If you get a chance to thank them in person and feel comfortable doing that, that's OK, too -- but I always think a note makes a good impression.

Then... take a deep breath and move forward. Get back to work and don't waste a lot of energy focusing about something that is not that big of a deal.

Take care,

llg

Tweety, BSN, RN · Sep 6, 2005

Don't compare your insides with other people's outsides. Just be yourself, that's good enough. Don't be embarrassed.

Home Health Columnist / Guide · Sep 6, 2005

Rayrae:

I can remember when I was getting my 6 month eval as coming off orientation as an RN: I took one look at the paper showing I was meeting expectations and broke out crying too. Was so embarrassed as I had worked 5 years as LPN, 3 of them charge on nights!

My Manager had an entire staff of new grads --her words comforted me "Those tears are the culmination of blood, work and sweat that you just went through to become an RN. It shows you are a caring person. Congrats and welcome to the full nursing community."

You will find 9 months to 1 1/2 years things do get a little easier. To this day 23 years later as RN, "time management" is still a thorn in my side: i have three 6-8" piles of papers on my desk that need to be filed or insurance verification completed but cant get MY work done as busy orienting new staff/filling in for employees out on FMLA---doesn't get any easier when your on the other side of management desk.

Best wishes for easier days ahead. If possible your next two days off together, just decompress/pamper yourself/relax....that down time really helps OK?

christvs, DNP, RN, NP · Sep 6, 2005

Okay y'all, I think I have written my own ticket out of being comfortable ever in my job, yesterday. I am sooooo embarrassed.
Here is what happened. I have been orienting on a pediatrics floor about six weeks now, I guess, not counting some class time. Soon, I will be on my own. I have been feeling overwhelmed somewhat and like I can't remember ANYTHING much of the time, even now after several weeks of orientation. Although I do love my patients. I still forget things like how to take off orders and forget to update care plans on the computer with new orders or situations, and what to do for certain tests or something. And I have yet to get an IV in on a patient on this unit, or to get in a catheter. Things like that. My preceptor always reminds me and she is very nice about it but I feel so stupid every time since it is always something I realize that I SHOULD know. And it just seems like there are so many more things to remember and such than I would ever have realized, different situations I would have NO idea how to deal with. And she has to remind me so many things all the time, seems like every shift.
So yesterday we came to the end of the shift, and ALL of the other new grads were finished and gone by the end of report, by 7:15. While I had not nearly finished my charting or chart checks etc. and knew it would be a while till I did. Our nurse manager came over right before report and asked for us (myself and my preceptor) to meet with her, we said we would after report. So we reported off and I was still working on care plans etc. and we went to the nurse mgr's office to meet with her, my preceptor knocks on the door and she says to wait a little while. So we are standing outside the office door and I am thinking about things and all that I have left to chart and how much less competent I think I am than the other new grads who have all left on time, and my preceptor asks me if there is anything she can do to help make things easier for me and I shake my head and suddenly tears come to my eyes for some dumb reason. I had been thinking earlier that I would call my old roommate when I got back home and if I needed to cry, I would cry with her and talk about how I was feeling, but suddenly there I was with tears in my eyes and my preceptor of course telling me not to cry. Then the nurse mgr. opens the door and we go in and she just wants to know how things are going. I say I think I am doing okay and then I try to explain what I think I am doing wrong, and then I start crying again! I was so embarrassed, to cry in front of my boss who hardly knows me yet, and in front of my preceptor who has worked so hard to help me do well and is so sweet and helpful and such a good nurse. Could anyone BE such an idiot??? And they both tried to reassure me that I am doing fine, and tell me what I am doing well. Which did make me feel better. But then I said things that I don't think convinced them that I believed them, and now I'm afraid they will think they have to keep on and on reassuring me that I am doing okay even if they don't really think I am. And they may think that I am close to quitting which I am definitely NOT!!!!! Or that they didn't do a good job teaching me which they have, especially my preceptor. And now my boss, my manager will think I am such a weak person and unstable and should not be taking care of patients. Not strong enough to really be a good nurse. I know some of these are paranoid thoughts with possibly not much basis in reality but they've been running through my head these past hours and I had to get them out somewhere. I am feeling quite embarrassed and ashamed of myself. To cry at work over myself! I tried to tell them mostly it had just been kind of a rough day but I don't think they believed me. It was mostly true.
But then, some of the other new grads have told me I seem so calm all the time, when inside, much of the time, I have been feeling lost and confused and like I am not giving my patients near the care they deserve whatsoever, nowhere close to calm!! They just all seem like such good nurses and to know what they are doing, and intelligent too. I have always thought that I was intelligent too, but had begun to doubt myself. And it all just came out AT WORK, in front of my preceptor AND manager!!! It makes me so mad at myself. I now have to prove myself all over again, that I am not some weak person always needing reassurance, recognition, or some such. My manager told me at the meeting that after my interview she said to the nurse educator on our floor "we HAVE to hire her!" and that she told my preceptor in the class that she was "getting a good one". Now I am sure that is not what they think. And to let some such personal stuff become evident in front of MY BOSS that is not acceptable either.
Sorry to write all this out, and I don't really expect much response especially seeing how LOOOOONG this is. But I needed a place to vent and this is the best place I could think of at the moment. I am living by myself in a city where I haven't made many friends yet, my own fault I know for not making effort, but you allnurses people have seen me at my worst and you are all nurses so you may understand some of these feelings. I don't go back to work till Thursday and I am so worried about feeling embarrassed when I see my preceptor or my manager again imagining what they will think of me. Or that my preceptor will think she has done a bad job. She is only like four years older than me, and yet I feel so immature now, that I cried and turned to her for reassurance. I am supposed to be a strong adult person now! But anyway. Thanks for listening. I think I have set a record on post length with this one.

Rayrae-you sound a lot like me! I've only been an RN for 7 weeks now & today I cried in front of my preceptor too! I lost my clipboard (see the thread in here I just posted) with ALL my notes/assessments for the shift on it & I was freaking out-that & I took care of 6 patients for the first time today. So my point is-you are not dumb, you sound very caring & hard-working & you are not alone! :) Keep doing the great job that you 're doing & you & I will both get more organized & feel more confident with time. :)

-Christine

**canoehead, BSN, RN** · Sep 6, 2005

Don't compare your insides with other people's outsides.

This is brilliant. Exactly what I think too. We have ALL cried. You can forget about the professional barrier that happens in offices, if you don't cry sometimes you won't last. Just be honest and keep doing your best. No one is looking for supernurse, just steady improvement and a committment to getting better that doesn't disappear when you get a tiny bit of confidence.

TweetiePieRN · Sep 6, 2005

Raerae!!! Heres a BIG hug to you!! (((RAERAE)))

I have only been an RN for a year, and I did virtually the same thing as you. It was my first shift all by myself as a real RN!! I looked calm and confident on the outside and as soon as it was time for me to go to lunch, I calmly walked into the breakroom and bawled my eyes out. A coworker happened to come in and she is a CNA (I Used to be a CNA at the same dept I am now an RN). She hugged me and told me that everything will be ok, I am going to be a great nurse,etc. Fast forward a year now...we laugh about that incident.

Everything will get better with time. I totally remember that feeling. Please don't be embarrassed by your crying. Crying is not a sign of weakness. Crying shows you care about doing a great job!! Your mgr and preceptors know this. Nurses are human too, remember!! Trust me, everything will be alright. Its ok to cry whenever you need to. You will be a GREAT nurse! Let us know how you are doing!! :) :)

Fun2, BSN, RN · Sep 6, 2005

Please don't feel badly about crying in front of your boss.

If she is in healthcare at all, she has to have at least an ounce of care in her. If she is an actual nurse, she's been there before.

Nurses know how stressful nursing can be, and how one can feel overwhelmed when they first start out.

You will eventually organize everything to where it is more of a routine for some things, with a few ups and downs along the road.

Good luck.

rach_nc_03 · Sep 6, 2005

Rachel,

I identified *so* much with your post! I'm also a new grad, and have four weeks left on orientation in the PICU where I work. I feel dumb and incompetent almost every day, at some point- even when i have a *good* day, by everyone else's standards, i feel like i'll never learn all those little things the other nurses seem to have a handle on...how much time different IV drugs should take to be infused, which labs go in which tubes....the list goes on and on. The preceptor i had for my first five weeks was a veteran on the unit- about 20 years- and known to be a little caustic (she even admitted this herself). I wasn't developing the confidence i needed while I was working with her, and she and i had a great discussion about it, where we both decided I should be with another preceptor for the next few weeks- she also helped get me some night shifts on orientation, knowing that (a) i'm a night person, and it would help me retain more, (b) I would have more time on night shift to absorb what i'm learning, and © i want to work mostly nights within a few months. In my 6 week evaluation, she wrote that i'm extremely hard on myself, and need to develop my confidence- but she *also* wrote that i was at a place in my abilities consistent with expectations of a new grad. I figured if *she* thought that, there must be some truth to it.

Like you, I compare myself to other new grads. One of the women i started with was picking up on stuff a LOT faster than me, and it really depressed me- i'm 33 years old, and i've been in the working world for a long time, and i've never had any difficulty learning things. I found out that this person had an externship in a PICU during her last year in nursing school, so it was a bit silly for me to compare myself to her.

I also got some *great* advice from a non-nurse friend. He said i should take some time at the end of each shift to write down something i did well, something i made progress on, and something i identified as an area for improvement. He said i should also remind myself of the things i'm doing well- since we often minimalize our accomplishments, or take them for granted. My list for last night's shift looks like this:

1. i'm really good at assessments, at working collaboratively with the physicians, and at interacting with patients' families.

2. Of the 25 or so meds i gave to one of my patients, I only had to ask about rate of infusion for a handful of them;

3. also, i drew my labs with no help, and knew what went in which tubes (a major issue for me for several weeks).

4. i still have to work on my time management skills (don't we all!), especially when i have 2 patients. I should always be thinking two steps ahead, rather than looking at things an hour at a time.

It also helps me a lot to talk to nurses on the unit with 1-3 years of experience. They remember feeling afraid and incompetent, and teach me new techniques and coping strategies every day.

Just remember that your preceptor is there to help you become a competent nurse. It sounds like she's a great one- and it's absolutely imperative that you feel comfortable asking any questions you need to ask, even if you think you should know the answer. it's too much to learn all at once, and it really might take hearing something 25 times to really absorb it (it does on some stuff for me!). Also, try to identify other nurses who seem willing to help you learn...this has been a realy eye-opener for me. There are always those who act exasperated when you ask them questions, but there are also nurses who are always happy to help.

I wish you- and all of us- the best of luck during the rest of your orientation. It's tough, and many days, I'd rather have a root canal than go in to work (kinda feeling that way about tonight's shift!). But you *will* become more comfortable- and confident- with time. I tell myself that every single day... sometimes i don't believe myself, but i say it anyway. I'm sure that one day, it'll be true for me- and true for you as well!

gwlillith · Sep 7, 2005

Listen up little girl! Could you think of any more things to berate yourself about? Don't borrow trouble, hon! I've been a critical care nurse for 10+ years. I STILL don't know everything, and I STILL cry sometimes after a particularly hard shift! It just shows that you care!

When I was starting out as a new grad..I went to my charge nurse after a day similiar to yours...crying (of course) She said to me..."No one expects you to come out of the gate knowing everything! Give yourself 1 year...I promise, then you will know a little something about EVERYTHING!" I still remember her after all these years...

Ask for help...you just might make a nurses day knowing that she could help you with something...cuz SHE might be having one of those days!

LOL

good luck..you'll be fine!

elizabeth