Okay y'all, I think I have written my own ticket out of being comfortable ever in my job, yesterday. I am sooooo embarrassed.
Here is what happened. I have been orienting on a pediatrics floor about six weeks now, I guess, not counting some class time. Soon, I will be on my own. I have been feeling overwhelmed somewhat and like I can't remember ANYTHING much of the time, even now after several weeks of orientation. Although I do love my patients. I still forget things like how to take off orders and forget to update care plans on the computer with new orders or situations, and what to do for certain tests or something. And I have yet to get an IV in on a patient on this unit, or to get in a catheter. Things like that. My preceptor always reminds me and she is very nice about it but I feel so stupid every time since it is always something I realize that I SHOULD know. And it just seems like there are so many more things to remember and such than I would ever have realized, different situations I would have NO idea how to deal with. And she has to remind me so many things all the time, seems like every shift.
So yesterday we came to the end of the shift, and ALL of the other new grads were finished and gone by the end of report, by 7:15. While I had not nearly finished my charting or chart checks etc. and knew it would be a while till I did. Our nurse manager came over right before report and asked for us (myself and my preceptor) to meet with her, we said we would after report. So we reported off and I was still working on care plans etc. and we went to the nurse mgr's office to meet with her, my preceptor knocks on the door and she says to wait a little while. So we are standing outside the office door and I am thinking about things and all that I have left to chart and how much less competent I think I am than the other new grads who have all left on time, and my preceptor asks me if there is anything she can do to help make things easier for me and I shake my head and suddenly tears come to my eyes for some dumb reason. I had been thinking earlier that I would call my old roommate when I got back home and if I needed to cry, I would cry with her and talk about how I was feeling, but suddenly there I was with tears in my eyes and my preceptor of course telling me not to cry. Then the nurse mgr. opens the door and we go in and she just wants to know how things are going. I say I think I am doing okay and then I try to explain what I think I am doing wrong, and then I start crying again! I was so embarrassed, to cry in front of my boss who hardly knows me yet, and in front of my preceptor who has worked so hard to help me do well and is so sweet and helpful and such a good nurse. Could anyone BE such an idiot??? And they both tried to reassure me that I am doing fine, and tell me what I am doing well. Which did make me feel better. But then I said things that I don't think convinced them that I believed them, and now I'm afraid they will think they have to keep on and on reassuring me that I am doing okay even if they don't really think I am. And they may think that I am close to quitting which I am definitely NOT!!!!! Or that they didn't do a good job teaching me which they have, especially my preceptor. And now my boss, my manager will think I am such a weak person and unstable and should not be taking care of patients. Not strong enough to really be a good nurse. I know some of these are paranoid thoughts with possibly not much basis in reality but they've been running through my head these past hours and I had to get them out somewhere. I am feeling quite embarrassed and ashamed of myself. To cry at work over myself! I tried to tell them mostly it had just been kind of a rough day but I don't think they believed me. It was mostly true.
But then, some of the other new grads have told me I seem so calm all the time, when inside, much of the time, I have been feeling lost and confused and like I am not giving my patients near the care they deserve whatsoever, nowhere close to calm!! They just all seem like such good nurses and to know what they are doing, and intelligent too. I have always thought that I was intelligent too, but had begun to doubt myself. And it all just came out AT WORK, in front of my preceptor AND manager!!! It makes me so mad at myself. I now have to prove myself all over again, that I am not some weak person always needing reassurance, recognition, or some such. My manager told me at the meeting that after my interview she said to the nurse educator on our floor "we HAVE to hire her!" and that she told my preceptor in the class that she was "getting a good one". Now I am sure that is not what they think. And to let some such personal stuff become evident in front of MY BOSS that is not acceptable either.
Sorry to write all this out, and I don't really expect much response especially seeing how LOOOOONG this is. But I needed a place to vent and this is the best place I could think of at the moment. I am living by myself in a city where I haven't made many friends yet, my own fault I know for not making effort, but you allnurses people have seen me at my worst and you are all nurses so you may understand some of these feelings. I don't go back to work till Thursday and I am so worried about feeling embarrassed when I see my preceptor or my manager again imagining what they will think of me. Or that my preceptor will think she has done a bad job. She is only like four years older than me, and yet I feel so immature now, that I cried and turned to her for reassurance. I am supposed to be a strong adult person now! But anyway. Thanks for listening. I think I have set a record on post length with this one.
Okay y'all, I think I have written my own ticket out of being comfortable ever in my job, yesterday. I am sooooo embarrassed.
Here is what happened. I have been orienting on a pediatrics floor about six weeks now, I guess, not counting some class time. Soon, I will be on my own. I have been feeling overwhelmed somewhat and like I can't remember ANYTHING much of the time, even now after several weeks of orientation. Although I do love my patients. I still forget things like how to take off orders and forget to update care plans on the computer with new orders or situations, and what to do for certain tests or something. And I have yet to get an IV in on a patient on this unit, or to get in a catheter. Things like that. My preceptor always reminds me and she is very nice about it but I feel so stupid every time since it is always something I realize that I SHOULD know. And it just seems like there are so many more things to remember and such than I would ever have realized, different situations I would have NO idea how to deal with. And she has to remind me so many things all the time, seems like every shift.
So yesterday we came to the end of the shift, and ALL of the other new grads were finished and gone by the end of report, by 7:15. While I had not nearly finished my charting or chart checks etc. and knew it would be a while till I did. Our nurse manager came over right before report and asked for us (myself and my preceptor) to meet with her, we said we would after report. So we reported off and I was still working on care plans etc. and we went to the nurse mgr's office to meet with her, my preceptor knocks on the door and she says to wait a little while. So we are standing outside the office door and I am thinking about things and all that I have left to chart and how much less competent I think I am than the other new grads who have all left on time, and my preceptor asks me if there is anything she can do to help make things easier for me and I shake my head and suddenly tears come to my eyes for some dumb reason. I had been thinking earlier that I would call my old roommate when I got back home and if I needed to cry, I would cry with her and talk about how I was feeling, but suddenly there I was with tears in my eyes and my preceptor of course telling me not to cry. Then the nurse mgr. opens the door and we go in and she just wants to know how things are going. I say I think I am doing okay and then I try to explain what I think I am doing wrong, and then I start crying again! I was so embarrassed, to cry in front of my boss who hardly knows me yet, and in front of my preceptor who has worked so hard to help me do well and is so sweet and helpful and such a good nurse. Could anyone BE such an idiot??? And they both tried to reassure me that I am doing fine, and tell me what I am doing well. Which did make me feel better. But then I said things that I don't think convinced them that I believed them, and now I'm afraid they will think they have to keep on and on reassuring me that I am doing okay even if they don't really think I am. And they may think that I am close to quitting which I am definitely NOT!!!!! Or that they didn't do a good job teaching me which they have, especially my preceptor. And now my boss, my manager will think I am such a weak person and unstable and should not be taking care of patients. Not strong enough to really be a good nurse. I know some of these are paranoid thoughts with possibly not much basis in reality but they've been running through my head these past hours and I had to get them out somewhere. I am feeling quite embarrassed and ashamed of myself. To cry at work over myself! I tried to tell them mostly it had just been kind of a rough day but I don't think they believed me. It was mostly true.
But then, some of the other new grads have told me I seem so calm all the time, when inside, much of the time, I have been feeling lost and confused and like I am not giving my patients near the care they deserve whatsoever, nowhere close to calm!! They just all seem like such good nurses and to know what they are doing, and intelligent too. I have always thought that I was intelligent too, but had begun to doubt myself. And it all just came out AT WORK, in front of my preceptor AND manager!!! It makes me so mad at myself. I now have to prove myself all over again, that I am not some weak person always needing reassurance, recognition, or some such. My manager told me at the meeting that after my interview she said to the nurse educator on our floor "we HAVE to hire her!" and that she told my preceptor in the class that she was "getting a good one". Now I am sure that is not what they think. And to let some such personal stuff become evident in front of MY BOSS that is not acceptable either.
Sorry to write all this out, and I don't really expect much response especially seeing how LOOOOONG this is. But I needed a place to vent and this is the best place I could think of at the moment. I am living by myself in a city where I haven't made many friends yet, my own fault I know for not making effort, but you allnurses people have seen me at my worst and you are all nurses so you may understand some of these feelings. I don't go back to work till Thursday and I am so worried about feeling embarrassed when I see my preceptor or my manager again imagining what they will think of me. Or that my preceptor will think she has done a bad job. She is only like four years older than me, and yet I feel so immature now, that I cried and turned to her for reassurance. I am supposed to be a strong adult person now! But anyway. Thanks for listening. I think I have set a record on post length with this one.[/quote
As the other nurses' have told you, we have all cried. I cried the first two weeks on orientation and our educator even told me i was behind the others in the intership. I felt like a idiot and ran to the breakroom crying. I promise you that it does get easier with time!! Don't criticize yourself so much and put your heart into the job, it will pay off! I hope your next work week goes smoothly and that it goes weel!! we all have our good days and bad!! It makes life interesting. Good Luck and God Bless...AMARTIN1
Thank you everyone, for your reality check and reassurance! :) and for sharing your own experiences and stories. It means so much to hear, though I already knew it sort of, that I am (mostly) normal!
I will remember your words Tweety, "don't compare my insides to others' outsides." You're right... just like Shakespeare... comparisons are odious!
I will keep my head up and keep going and try to be more mature in future realizing that my co-workers even those with authority, are people just like me. Thank you again, all of you!!! You don't know how much better all of your words made me feel and the confidence they helped me find, each of you!
I personally think all you showed them was you are human. And really that is what a boss is there for to work through possible problems, or to reassure there are no problems. So take a deep breath and realize we have all been there and that yes...nurses are human! :)
like the others said try not to beat yourself up over this. You are a good nurse and this has shown how passionate you are about your work and giving good patient care. I should think that somewhere in your boss's career and your preceptors career they have felt if not done the same. This experience will ensure you are compassionate with the new nurses and indeed the patients and their families that you meet within your career, and one day you maybe the boss/preceptor yourself. It's the experiences in life - good or bad that make you the person you are and allow you to be kind and compassionate to others you meet. Take care.
Specializes in Peds Critical Care, Dialysis, General.
Do I know how you feel! I've been working as a new grad in PICU for about 3 months, and Monday night was the 1st night I felt pretty good about my performance. The night before I had gotten a fresh post-op, an ex-28wk preemie c a history of NEC, who just had a colostomy takedown, SBO repair, repair of several ischemic areas of his bowel. I also had a LARGE 15yo neuro devastated TBI from a T-bone MVA with MRSA. The only saving grace was I had had the 15yo before and knew her well (this was Sun night). I felt sort of good/sort of bad about the night - just getting skills up, comfort level up and time management up will help my feelings a lot.
I had never put a foley in such a little person before - I felt hideous doing it, but I got it in (felt like throwing up the whole time). He had to have his central line pulled back (any lower and it would have come out the other end). At least the anesthesiologist who did the procedure was exceptionally nice.
Came in the next night and had a different preceptor (I knew this was going to happed). We were reviewing chest films and noticed the left upper lobe looked a little collapsed - went into his room and checked the suction - it was way too high. No wonder he desatted with suction! Never had even thought to check the suction - just always took that for granted. First experience with an ex-NICU touch-me-not. Had a great preceptor on Monday night who really loves to teach and pointed out lots of stuff that had never been brought up before.
Well, anyway, on Monday night my 2nd pt was different. A 12mo with a cracked head, stable bleed for > 24hrs. He was a very unhappy camper. He was so tired, his mommy was also about to drop on her feet. He got versed x2 (a small dose) and benadryl (small dose) and still couldn't settle down -- he was so miserably sleepy - neuro exam was fine - he was fighting sleep so hard - finally got him calm and asleep and his IV goes bad!!! Got an order to re-start in the early am - nobody wanted to wake him up.
But anyway, it was the first time I actually had gotten my charting done, checks and flowsheets for the day sheet done before 6:30. Then, I got home and realized I had forgotten to write my last note - the one that says I gave report - on my little guy. Just getting all my tasks accomplished and not feeling like a chicken with her head cut off felt nice!!:)
I cried in front of one of my preceptors one day - a miscommunication led to my patient getting an extra dose of pain med - no adverse effects - but I was devastated!!! Happened while I was eating and just didn't communicate well as I should, but the RN who gave the med (Lortab) didn't look at the MAR before she gave the dose. Oh, I felt awful!!!!
I'd worked for the last 8 years in this unit as a secretary - as an excellent performer and preceptor for other secretaries - it's been difficult for me to be at the "bottom" of the competency heap again. I know I'll get there eventually - I just hate feeling less than great!! But, I LOVE being an RN!
Specializes in med/surg, telemetry, IV therapy, mgmt.
Here is some perspective from a former manager for you:
Your tears were a manifestation of the stress you are under. The fact that you carry yourself calmly in the midst of chaos is a very desirable characteristic. Six weeks is more than enough time for incompetence to show. If you were incompetent or a danger to your patients you would have been pulled in for a "talking to" long ago.
You cannot turn into a supernurse in 6 weeks time! Try thinking more in terms of 6 months. You will improve by self-assessing your performance. Those who work with new grads are very aware of the stress and pressure you are under and make allowances for you.
As for the embarrassment you feel about breaking down in tears. . .I see that as a willingness to be open and honest about your feelings. It shows your compassionate side. Use this experience to your advantage. If you say to your preceptor, "I could just cry after a day like this", I'm pretty sure she'll know and understand what you mean! Like any relationship, allowing your true self and true feelings to show is a little scarey. Sounds to me like you have a very understanding manager and preceptor. You can't ask for better.
Your formal education was only part of learning to be an RN. The other part is the on-the-job experience. Each step of the way in your education is a little more complicated and complex than the last. Eventually, you start to have more days where you feel accomplishment and competent and these highly emotionally charged days kind of fade off into the sunset.
I want you to print out what you posted yesterday and all these responses you have gotten. In exactly one year, take them out in a quiet moment and read them. In that moment you will see how much you have grown and changed beyond what happened yesterday. :heartbeat
I want you to print out what you posted yesterday and all these responses you have gotten. In exactly one year, take them out in a quiet moment and read them. In that moment you will see how much you have grown and changed beyond what happened yesterday. :heartbeat
What an excellent idea. I've saved every single thank you card I've ever gotten from a patient. It truly gets me through "those moments".
Just want you to know you are not alone. I have been on the job for 3 months and have cried twice in meetings with my unit manager. Same as you, just all of a sudden I had tears in my eyes. In fact, this morning was one of them. Just out of nowhere I'm crying - what is up with that!!!
I apologized and told her that I was embarassed - I am generally not a weepy person - but apparently I am a weepy nurse :).
The meetings were not directed at discipline or anything, no reprimands - it's weird.
I'm chalking it up to:
a) the meetings are never planned - i.e., I'm anxious at why we are meeting
b) they always want to talk after a 12 hour shift (I've given all I have to
give - I'm emotionally raw - let me go home and sleep!!)
c) I care - maybe too much being so new
d) I'm relieved the meeting wasn't to discuss an error that harmed a pt
Anyway - I was shocked when my mgr said not to worry about it that when she first started nursing she remembers sobbing the minute she walked into her mgr's office. She says that I am too hard on myself.
Well - just wanted to let you know you are not alone!!!
I am sorry you are having troubles. :icon_hug: :icon_hug:
I am not a nurse, but I can really, really identify with you. I tend to beat myself up over things I "should" have known or "should" have done. And yes, I have cried at work myself, because I felt incompetant. It's humiliating, perhaps, but sometimes it's necessary.
Sometimes I feel like others are watching me work, and evaluating my performance. I know this is not always the case, but I guess I am very sensitive to the criticism of others.
Remember, just because you are a nurse doesn't stop you from being human.
Keep your head up, sweetie. You will get through this. Sometimes you gotta go through the fire.
Here is some perspective from a former manager for you:
Your tears were a manifestation of the stress you are under. The fact that you carry yourself calmly in the midst of chaos is a very desirable characteristic. Six weeks is more than enough time for incompetence to show. If you were incompetent or a danger to your patients you would have been pulled in for a "talking to" long ago.
You cannot turn into a supernurse in 6 weeks time! Try thinking more in terms of 6 months. You will improve by self-assessing your performance. Those who work with new grads are very aware of the stress and pressure you are under and make allowances for you.
As for the embarrassment you feel about breaking down in tears. . .I see that as a willingness to be open and honest about your feelings. It shows your compassionate side. Use this experience to your advantage. If you say to your preceptor, "I could just cry after a day like this", I'm pretty sure she'll know and understand what you mean! Like any relationship, allowing your true self and true feelings to show is a little scarey. Sounds to me like you have a very understanding manager and preceptor. You can't ask for better.
Your formal education was only part of learning to be an RN. The other part is the on-the-job experience. Each step of the way in your education is a little more complicated and complex than the last. Eventually, you start to have more days where you feel accomplishment and competent and these highly emotionally charged days kind of fade off into the sunset.
I want you to print out what you posted yesterday and all these responses you have gotten. In exactly one year, take them out in a quiet moment and read them. In that moment you will see how much you have grown and changed beyond what happened yesterday. :heartbeat
Rachel, I think most of us can relate. You are completely normal. Trust me, we have all felt scared and overwhelmed. If you just keep going in and doing your best, you'll get through it and before you know it, you'll be precepting a new grad who will burst into tears in front of you:) You'll be able to comfort her when you tell her she isn't the only one to do it.
If it makes you feel any better, I did something way more embarassing at my first job. I also apparently always "seem calm" even when I'm about to lose it. After my first real OB emergency (it was BAD, really, really, really baaaaaaaad! I've still not had an experience close to that bad) I finished up the charting and stuff then walked to the employee changeroom to decompress and started to throw up...... violently.... at the exact moment my manager and preceptor came in to congratulate me for keeping my emotions in check and getting the job done. I was completely white, my hands were shaking, my legs felt like they were going to give out... I managed to sit down and talk them out of sending me to ER, but I was so embarassed I didn't know if I could come in to work again. Then my preceptor told me about the time SHE lost it at work:D Life comes full circle sometimes.
But, I LOVE being an RN!
Try thinking more in terms of 6 months. You will improve by self-assessing your performance. Those who work with new grads are very aware of the stress and pressure you are under and make allowances for you.
AMARTIN1
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