Okay y'all, I think I have written my own ticket out of being comfortable ever in my job, yesterday. I am sooooo embarrassed.
Here is what happened. I have been orienting on a pediatrics floor about six weeks now, I guess, not counting some class time. Soon, I will be on my own. I have been feeling overwhelmed somewhat and like I can't remember ANYTHING much of the time, even now after several weeks of orientation. Although I do love my patients. I still forget things like how to take off orders and forget to update care plans on the computer with new orders or situations, and what to do for certain tests or something. And I have yet to get an IV in on a patient on this unit, or to get in a catheter. Things like that. My preceptor always reminds me and she is very nice about it but I feel so stupid every time since it is always something I realize that I SHOULD know. And it just seems like there are so many more things to remember and such than I would ever have realized, different situations I would have NO idea how to deal with. And she has to remind me so many things all the time, seems like every shift.
So yesterday we came to the end of the shift, and ALL of the other new grads were finished and gone by the end of report, by 7:15. While I had not nearly finished my charting or chart checks etc. and knew it would be a while till I did. Our nurse manager came over right before report and asked for us (myself and my preceptor) to meet with her, we said we would after report. So we reported off and I was still working on care plans etc. and we went to the nurse mgr's office to meet with her, my preceptor knocks on the door and she says to wait a little while. So we are standing outside the office door and I am thinking about things and all that I have left to chart and how much less competent I think I am than the other new grads who have all left on time, and my preceptor asks me if there is anything she can do to help make things easier for me and I shake my head and suddenly tears come to my eyes for some dumb reason. I had been thinking earlier that I would call my old roommate when I got back home and if I needed to cry, I would cry with her and talk about how I was feeling, but suddenly there I was with tears in my eyes and my preceptor of course telling me not to cry. Then the nurse mgr. opens the door and we go in and she just wants to know how things are going. I say I think I am doing okay and then I try to explain what I think I am doing wrong, and then I start crying again! I was so embarrassed, to cry in front of my boss who hardly knows me yet, and in front of my preceptor who has worked so hard to help me do well and is so sweet and helpful and such a good nurse. Could anyone BE such an idiot??? And they both tried to reassure me that I am doing fine, and tell me what I am doing well. Which did make me feel better. But then I said things that I don't think convinced them that I believed them, and now I'm afraid they will think they have to keep on and on reassuring me that I am doing okay even if they don't really think I am. And they may think that I am close to quitting which I am definitely NOT!!!!! Or that they didn't do a good job teaching me which they have, especially my preceptor. And now my boss, my manager will think I am such a weak person and unstable and should not be taking care of patients. Not strong enough to really be a good nurse. I know some of these are paranoid thoughts with possibly not much basis in reality but they've been running through my head these past hours and I had to get them out somewhere. I am feeling quite embarrassed and ashamed of myself. To cry at work over myself! I tried to tell them mostly it had just been kind of a rough day but I don't think they believed me. It was mostly true.
But then, some of the other new grads have told me I seem so calm all the time, when inside, much of the time, I have been feeling lost and confused and like I am not giving my patients near the care they deserve whatsoever, nowhere close to calm!! They just all seem like such good nurses and to know what they are doing, and intelligent too. I have always thought that I was intelligent too, but had begun to doubt myself. And it all just came out AT WORK, in front of my preceptor AND manager!!! It makes me so mad at myself. I now have to prove myself all over again, that I am not some weak person always needing reassurance, recognition, or some such. My manager told me at the meeting that after my interview she said to the nurse educator on our floor "we HAVE to hire her!" and that she told my preceptor in the class that she was "getting a good one". Now I am sure that is not what they think. And to let some such personal stuff become evident in front of MY BOSS that is not acceptable either.
Sorry to write all this out, and I don't really expect much response especially seeing how LOOOOONG this is. But I needed a place to vent and this is the best place I could think of at the moment. I am living by myself in a city where I haven't made many friends yet, my own fault I know for not making effort, but you allnurses people have seen me at my worst and you are all nurses so you may understand some of these feelings. I don't go back to work till Thursday and I am so worried about feeling embarrassed when I see my preceptor or my manager again imagining what they will think of me. Or that my preceptor will think she has done a bad job. She is only like four years older than me, and yet I feel so immature now, that I cried and turned to her for reassurance. I am supposed to be a strong adult person now! But anyway. Thanks for listening. I think I have set a record on post length with this one.
It only goes to show that you are human, and that you are trying your very hardest and best. It is definitely better to get all your feelings out than have them bottled up inside.
You have touched us all. You are just the kind of nurse I would LOVE to work with. If I had a nickel for every tear I shed in my 29 years of nursing, I'd be rich! Tears just make us human!
Rayrae Congratulations you are now a nurse. They just did not tell you what you really had to do to be a nurse. See following list.
1.Go deeply into debt
2. Pass School
3.Take NCLEX-Stress Violently shake until the results comeback.
4. Realise the first day of orientation that they did
not teach you any of this in school.
5. You feel like everyone else knows exactly what they are supposed to be doing except you and everyone else is thinking that they are so inferior to you.
6. You have at least one, preferabally two ill timed
stress induced cries/meltdowns.
7. You learn how to hold your bladder for 14 hours
and develop a taste for hospital jello.
The only cure is to find someone at work that you admire an ask her for tips and pointers. If you haven't done a procedure ask a nurse to explain it outside the room and then watch you and give pointers along the way.
Ingnore a nasty nurse once second time-QUITELY write her up.
Take good care of yourself. I am happy there is another thoughtful nurse in our ranks.
You all are so kind and you have reassured me more than you know. I'm relieved to learn from your experiences that it is not just me feeling overwhelmed and crying at inopportune times!
I just wanted to update too, that my last shift went much much better, and I felt more confident, and my preceptor reassured me that it was okay and that the manager was just concerned about me and felt bad for me. They are keeping me on orientation for a couple extra days which first I was a bit upset like I had "failed" or something, then realized it is a good opportunity to gain more confidence and learn w/o so much pressure.
Once again thank you all so much. You don't know how very much better and relieved you've helped me feel!!
Hollyster- your list cracked me up too. :)
Take care and I hope you have good weeks all of you!
acgemt
174 Posts
It only goes to show that you are human, and that you are trying your very hardest and best. It is definitely better to get all your feelings out than have them bottled up inside.