I work at a Retirement home and such as an RN. Love the job. But we have nosy co workers. I trust only a few people. So last week I bought a brand new car with all my hard earned money and pandemic pay. I told maybe 3 or 4 people about it.
I am 22 years young by the way
The day after this person a PSW, came up to me (she is always nosy not the first time shes up in my business), and said "I heard you got a brand new car" I am like who told you that, and shes like don't worry but is it true. I said yeah? Then she tells me well your last car was still good, I'm like I didn't like it so I gave it to my parents, then shes like well yeah because you don't pay rent, I don't get mad easily but I don't know why she thinks she can just go up to me and say that. I asked her why are you up in my business, shes like I'm not up in your business, I am telling you that you got a new car, and we kept going back and forth and I didn't like it. I started avoiding talking to her, thank God she does not work on my side of the floor.
It was her birthday this morning and they bought food and cake, and they all were eating in the Nursing station. Another PSW told me to go eat, and I refused to go celebrate her birthday with her. I don't want to associate myself with that person, nor do I feel comfortable talking to her because she keeps asking me questions. They were eating the food, and I was continuing doing my Wound care. Another Nurse told me that the PSW is going to report me for "bullying" her for not going to celebrate her birthday by eating the cake and food which I don't even want.
Anyways how can I deal with this in the future if she or if any other idiot tries to get in my business? While I do have a car, I'm not eager to show the world that I have valuable things in my life. The PSW even asked "You don't have a girlfriend? What do you do with all that money"? What in God's name does that have to do with you? In my 2 short years of working in healthcare, I am just shocked that someone would say/ask me those things. When I was in school, we were disciplined properly, everything was serious. We have a license, and if we get fired, we may get a record to the College of Nurses and it may be hard to find a job, whereas if the PSW gets fired there is no record and they can just look for another job.
If you don't want it to be told, don't tell it. When you speak to 1 person, assume you're speaking to everybody. Don't argue about things that don't require an argument. If you don't want to discuss your personal business, don't. Every comment doesn't need a reply. You have to know when to walk away.
We work in a profession centered on human interactions. How would a coworker you aren't close to possibly know that you dislike friendly conversation? To me, someone you work with showing an interest in your life is not offensive. Many people spend more time at work than at home, and being in relationship with coworkers and enjoying the people around you can make that much more tolerable. If someone oversteps a boundary by asking about something you feel is private, like faith, relationships, or political views, there's no problem with kindly saying "You know, I'm a rather private person, so I don't like to discuss these things at work" and changing the subject.
She brought up a topic you'd discussed with other peers. I'm guessing your new car was in the work parking lot. I just can't wrap my head around being offended that someone acknowledged your accomplishment.
I think your reaction sounds immature, lacking in relational skills and defensive. Like I said, there is an appropriate way to redirect what you personally feel is a boundary crossing. Re-read your words, and I imagine you can see how your reaction could've improved. In fact, I think it was so over the top, that next time you see this person, it'd be good to say "Hey, last time we talked was kind of weird. I am a very private person, so I'm not really open to discussing my personal life at work, but I wanted to apologize for being so snappy. I was just caught off guard and prefer to focus on work-related topics at work."
Based on the wording and tone in your post, as well as your RN v PSW differentiation with an air of superiority, I'm inclined to believe that your attitude and aggressive manner are why your co-workers have considered reporting you for bullying. I doubt it has anything to do with your cake eating preferences.
Congratulations on the new car (if I'm allowed to say that).
1) We work in profession centered on PROFESSIONAL human interaction.
2) What is offensive to ask and what is not is determined by one to whom the question was directed. As you can see observing some current events, for many people asking "do you have your immigration papers?" toward someone they perceive as a "foreigner" or "how did you make up to this top-level job?" to someone whose skin color is dark counts like "just a curiosity". Well, this is NOT a curiosity. It is named differently.
3). The question was not an "acknowledgment of accomplishment". It was typical for nowadays rude, childish entitlement to feel free to ask anyone whatever jumps into one's head first. Otherwise, it would be worded like "oh, just saw your new one - looks so cool, congratulations!" and that would be the end of it. This would be reaction appropriate for professional relationship.
4). Even legally living at workplace doesn't entitled anyone to know everything and panties' size about everyone else. It is not "relational skills" (BTW, can I ask you to please enlighten all of us here about those first-ever-heard-of skills?). It is named "keeping my business private" (which the OP did not master yet, that's true)
5) Talks about "bullying" because someone won't eat someone else birthday cake is what really immature, defensive and rude here.
6) There is nothing wrong with being "defensive" about what one perceives as belonging to him alone, being that things, feelings or memories. It is your life. Lay it open for everyone to peek in if you like it this way but do not expect everyone else to do the same.
In the coming years, you'll see a whole lot of words, questions and actions being socially ousted, and more of them becoming unacceptable due to personal security reasons (do you remember those smiling customer assistants nicely asking your phone, email and SSN in front of everybody? I openly refused, and brought on more than one sour face and mutter about "being sooo rude to a poor girl who is just doing her job" but my family had no trouble with identity theft, unlike hundreds of thousands of those who valued "being polite" over common sense). Many people will have to learn how to suppress their insatiable curiosity about other' lives and stop behaving like toddlers in adult life - or face consequences.
Good Heavens, this thread brought back memories, that I haven't thought about in years.
When I worked as a staff nurse in the OR, a new nurse was hired. She was curious about everyone, and especially me. She kept track about the fact that I had recently purchased a sail boat and asked me every Monday about if I did thus and so.
This really annoyed me and I am certain she knew it but still continued to ask me all sorts of personal questions.
She made me a birthday cake and we all ate it , except for her. She told me that she had called my mother to get the recipe. I left that day on a weeks long vacation and was sick the entire time. When I returned back to work , I discovered one of the surgical residents and at least 3 others were sick from that cake.
Shortly after she left the OR for another job in the same hospital.
Later after I left got married and had my babies, I found out that she had gone to the major university in our state and jumped off the highest building , of course , to her death.
It is not "relational skills" (BTW, can I ask you to please enlighten all of us here about those first-ever-heard-of skills?)
Yes, gladly! If you go to Google, or the search engine of your choice, you'll find a blank box where you can enter your search. Type the words "relational skills" (quotation marks optional), and you will find abundant sources explaining what they are. You will even discover sources discussing relational skills as a professional nursing competency. As you can guess by my screen name, I love education, so I'm happy I could help you learn something new!
2 hours ago, KatieMI said:
Many people will have to learn how to suppress their insatiable curiosity about other' lives and stop behaving like toddlers in adult life - or face consequences.
Our society is terribly broken and disconnected right now, so I can only hope that you're incorrect. I hope that people work to maintain connection and relationship, each of which requires a genuine curiosity and care for others. I think the ability to converse with others effectively is very much an adult skill, not a toddler skill. As I said in my initial post, that doesn't mean dropping all boundaries.
2 hours ago, KatieMI said:
Even legally living at workplace doesn't entitled anyone to know everything and panties' size about everyone else.
Well, at least there is one point from your post that we can agree on! Asking someone their panty size at work would be sexual harassment. Asking someone about their new car is making casual conversation. I tried making the mental leap you did that asking a coworker about their new car is on par with asking for a stranger's social security number, but yeah... I just can't get there.
All I know is that I am SO glad that throughout my nursing career I've been able to openly converse with my peers about common, everyday topics. It has benefited me personally AND professionally. I think if I were easily offended by people who ask about my public life, or openly hostile towards them, I would feel incredibly isolated. I hurt for people who lack connection with others.
Relational skills is a real thing. And many businesses and managers value that type of skill as much or more than others. Someone can be taught to put in an IV or assess a patient, but it's much more difficult to teach someone how to fit in with your team.
I can understand being a private person, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the people trying to make small talk with you. Chatting about things most people don't generally think of as private (like where someone is from, if they have kids, how long they've been a nurse, etc.) is how people get to know each other and it is not generally an effort to poke into one's private business.
That being said, if you staunchly oppose answering even the most innocuous of questions, then just state that to the person. Stick with that rule at work. If you open up to several of your coworkers but refuse to even make mundane personal small talk with others, you may appear to be rude rather than private.
Asking someone if they "have papers" is not small talk, and I don't think it can really be compared to chatting about someone's new car or asking general small talk questions.
Asking someone if they "have papers" is not small talk, and I don't think it can really be compared to chatting about someone's new car or asking general small talk questions.
I was once reported to Boards because "client just wanted to know" why obviously non-American nurse took place of an "honest laborious American women". It ended up badly not for me but still it was a blow.
And one innocent small talk about "where are you from" ended up with obscene racist note pinned to my garage door and found by my child who refuses to go to school for weeks after that. The info was proven to be gossiped around by a nurse I worked with.
Sorry, after these two things I changed my definition of a small talk. "Where are you from" question us qualified for what it really is: rude, nosy and having nothing with current business ( a secret specifically for you: most people hate to be asked this question).
Specializes in Psych, Corrections, Med-Surg, Ambulatory.
Any conversation characterized by "I'm like...and she's like...and I'm like..." sounds like two highschoolers short on interpersonal skills.
There's nothing wrong with talking about your new car. There's something very wrong about taking a coworker to task about having a new car, living with parents, etc. Do not engage with this person. Do not defend yourself to such a person.
Practice some responses: "That's not your concern." "That's not for you to say." "This line of conversation violates boundaries." "Would you please see what Mr Smith needs?" "Happy birthday! Of course I'll have some cake!"
Accusations of bullying for not having cake? Pathetic. That will go nowhere.
Ugh. Oy. People really need to learn what the term "bullying" means. Seems like everyone today is a bully. It's a ridiculous accusation, that you are a bully just for not celebrating her birthday.
I was once reported to Boards because "client just wanted to know" why obviously non-American nurse took place of an "honest laborious American women". It ended up badly not for me but still it was a blow.
And one innocent small talk about "where are you from" ended up with obscene racist note pinned to my garage door and found by my child who refuses to go to school for weeks after that. The info was proven to be gossiped around by a nurse I worked with.
Sorry, after these two things I changed my definition of a small talk. "Where are you from" question us qualified for what it really is: rude, nosy and having nothing with current business ( a secret specifically for you: most people hate to be asked this question).
I think tone and delivery are variables that determine how I respond to the question "where are you from?". If it is genuine curiosity, then I am happy to not only provide the answer, but to expand on it. However, if I detect any form of shadiness, pretense, or any other ulterior motive, I politely tell the person "it's a long story". It is a potentially intrusive question, especially if the person being asked is a foreigner or dissimilar to the curious questioner. Not everyone you come across in the nursing field has altruistic intentions. Unfortunately, it is neither infrequent nor surprising to come across some malicious people masquerading as the custodians of compassion and care. Ugh.
Respond with "why do you ask?" and it gives you and the other person a chance to reflect. Are they intentionally being offensive, or are they innocently ignorant?
"I really don't want to talk about it" was my other go to, but "Oh dear, another call bell!" and a quick exit would work too.
Like other folks have said, you tell one person, you pretty much just told them all. So don’t tell someone something that you don’t want others to know. Thing is, those people are gonna be there no matter where you go. That person needs to find a hobby or a better way to spend her time, to be honest. She wants to say you’re “bullying” her because you don’t want her cake? Who cares. She won’t win that garbage, she’s just stirring the pot. Don’t say anything negative to someone that mentions it to you, because it will get back to her and be used against you. That’s just how these petty people work. I tend to just be very nonchalant with that drama nonsense and just say “OK,” in response and leave it at that. That way they don’t get the reaction they want from you.
I’m also the type of person that just comes to work and does her job according to policy and procedures and then I go home. I tend to not trust anyone for a long time. I don’t advertise my personal life at work, but I also don’t care if people ask me things... to a point. There’s different levels. There’s friendly getting-to-know-you curiosity and of course there’s the nosey rude people with the snide remarks and comments. I’ve seen the latter mainly in older individuals. They have no filter. Like the “what do you do with all that money?” Or “must be nice to live with your parents,”... none of her business. Those comments are simply asinine. That’s when you say “thanks for your opinion,” or my personal favorite, “that’s a pretty bold statement towards someone you don’t really know.”
Theres so many different ways to handle this and/or deal with it. Just gotta find what works for you. You'll learn the people that are worth developing a work relationship with and those that are all about creating drama. Best of luck!
NurseBlaq
1,756 Posts
If you don't want it to be told, don't tell it. When you speak to 1 person, assume you're speaking to everybody. Don't argue about things that don't require an argument. If you don't want to discuss your personal business, don't. Every comment doesn't need a reply. You have to know when to walk away.