I just started NS last week. I have a six month old baby and a teenager at home. My husband works weird hours and the teenage is, well, a typical teenage. So when my husband is at work I have very little help with the baby or with chores, which means very little time to study.
The problem comes when my husband IS home. When he comes home I try to hand off our son......which last for about 20 minutes max. Next thing I know he's either handing him back to me or bringing him in to show me something cute he is doing.
My husband wants me to go out to eat with him....watch movies at night.....go to sleep when he goes to sleep.....be awake when he's awake. I get up for clinicals at 6 and if the baby is up at night.....I'm up.
I'm starting to panic that if I don't get some free time to study I'm not gonna make it. UGH.....What do I say to make my husband understand that NS is not like taking a regular college class?
I guess Im lucky. My husband WANTS me to finish school so he can get a job closer to home so he has basically sucked it up. He knows when I say Im going to the bedroom and have my bookbag in hand, that I mean no one is to bother me for the time being. Do the kids come back, yeah. Is my house trashed, yeah. But its ok. He does try.
If he was unwilling to do as much as he does, I would wait till he came home and then I would go the library.
Lots of people in my class who have kids just stay at school and study there, plus they leave the house on Saturday to study all day and then dedicate all day Sunday to family. Someone mentioned three nights a week to study....it's more like 7 nights (and day) a week! But, if you can take that one day and give it totally to them, it may help them stick to the game plan for the rest of the week.
I added up how much time I dedicated to my first semester, and realized it was a 70-80hr/week job. That's not an exaggeration!
I know this sounds kinda wrong..but sometimes I lie about my school schedule and just stay at school. If I tell my husband exactly when I "should" be done he starts calling with "important" things to tell me! Its so aggravating! I was at the library last week and I had to keep going outside b/c he kept on calling. I ignored him probably 3 times and then called and he yelled at me for not answering. I am in a similar situation. I have a 3 yr old and if she's home and not napping I get NOTHING done! So before I started school I harped and harped about how much time studying I will need. I am glad I found this thread b/c I thought he was the only selfish one. I can't stand the guilt trips about not spending time together! As long as you make an effort to keep his "needs" met..he might be a little less nagging. GL-
I'm taking weekend clinicals on purpose because when I'm not around and my husband is left to his own devices, things actually get done and the kids end up having a great time with him.
My husband leaves for work before the kids get home from school, so he doesn't even see them until Saturday, around noonish.
I took all my pre-reqs in the evening, so my oldest watched the younger kids and I would do a majority of my studying during the day with just the youngest at home with me while my husband slept.
But now that I will be an actual nursing student, I've made it very clear what I will and will not do. I've also taught my two younger kids how to make a snack/sandwich and they are very capable of "cleaning" up after themselves, so that is helping to free up some of the minor issues that tend to take up smaller fragments [that tend to add up] of my study time.
Considering his schedule, my husband and I had to evaluate the things that take up a lot of time but are important in our day to day activities and figure out what he can handle on his own.
When I'm in school, I do not clean nearly as much as I do when I'm not in school. I've learned to be okay with that--most of the time. My husband doesn't care as much as I do about having a clean house, which bugs me, but his attitude helps be to be okay with laundry pile-ups, dust on the fans or above the door ways, or toys not put away in the kids' rooms.
Basically, I've had to find what matters to me most and work with that. My single most biggest thing in the world [when it comes to cleaning] is the kitchen. So that's what I focus on. My next big issue: bathrooms, which I get to when I can. Laundry is my biggest stressor and that's what I need assistance with the most.
Sorry for the ramble, but I want to share how we do things. Although, not a perfect system, it works more than 50% of the time and progressively gets better as we learn together.
There is a lot of extremely helpful information in this thread. I've already been stressing to my kids how much time I'll need to devote to school. the house will be a huge issue with me. although, it shouldn't bee too bad if we're not there much. I fully intend on using my crock pots as much as I can. Another wish I have is to have a second dryer for laundry..... with 5 people in my house, there tends to be a lot of laundry. It's something that I have to find out about.
Well, your first obligation is to your family. You have to live with them, and you keep them after you graduate. You need to make sure you set aside time to spend with your husband so he gets what he needs. And he is your husband, my guess is you like him, and like to spend time with him?
As far as the baby, he needs to step up. You need to hand the baby over and LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. If he's not the *kind of dad* that can have his own child by himself, he's about to be on the uncomfortable end of a learning curve. You can coddle him along, but make a clean cut and be done with it. Start small...30 minutes to an hour. This is not an unreasonable expectation. Don't let him make you think it is - you are EQUALLY responsible for that baby.
OK, there's my advice for you. I've got a great husband who takes my kids when I need him to. Stick to your guns mama! :)
TV dinners help. I know they've certainly made my life easier.
Also a thought, find a study buddy, and they can subtly help from time to time getting that private study time. I know my family is less likely to disturb me studying if I've got someone else there.
Thanks everyone for the great advice. I'm gonna give the family meeting a try and definitely leave the house to study. I think it is just to tempting for him to bother me if I'm just one room away. I'll let ya know how it goes. Wish me luck.
Well, your first obligation is to your family. You have to live with them, and you keep them after you graduate. You need to make sure you set aside time to spend with your husband so he gets what he needs. And he is your husband, my guess is you like him, and like to spend time with him?
As far as the baby, he needs to step up. You need to hand the baby over and LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. If he's not the *kind of dad* that can have his own child by himself, he's about to be on the uncomfortable end of a learning curve. You can coddle him along, but make a clean cut and be done with it. Start small...30 minutes to an hour. This is not an unreasonable expectation. Don't let him make you think it is - you are EQUALLY responsible for that baby.
OK, there's my advice for you. I've got a great husband who takes my kids when I need him to. Stick to your guns mama! :)
I completely agree. Alot of you seem pretty hard on your husbands, I'm sure they'd be thrilled to hear what you really think of them. Having my daughter was a mutual decision, and I'm assuming it was that way for you as well. I'm not trying to play devil's advocate, but it's our decision to go to nursing school and that doesn't relieve us of our marital or parental duties. I just spent the last 3 years working 50 hours a week from 10pm-10am, and staying up 24hrs+ 2-3 times a week so that my wife could go to P.A. School, and I could help with my daughter. My wife and I got to see each other roughly 2 days a week unless one of us took time off. Try looking at it from his side, if he's the only one working, he's paying for you're school, he's probably not feeling very appreciated. And, it's only been a week, talk to him and give him a chance to get used to it. At the same time though, when the time comes...heck yeah tell him to get off his butt and handle it, it's a 50/50 relationship you both have to pull your weight. Just my I've had to watch two couples divorce over this kind of situation over the past couple of years. (obviously worse case scenario, and not saying you're anywhere near this)
Specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.
I too am a little shocked at the male spouse bashing going on. The marriage comes first. Theoretically both of you decided you going to nursing school is a good idea, so both of you can theoretically make it work. And if you went ahead with school without consulting him, then you will have to find a way to get through it without relying on him as well. Most people I have seen do pretty good after the initial difficult learning curve.
One bit of advice - a lot of mothers are pretty critical of the way the male half of the equation handles both baby and household chores, which in turn both makes them not want to do it and not trust themselves to do it "right" by your standards. Biggest key to building a mutually helpful relationship comes from showing appreciation and biting one's tongue when it comes to critique, critisism and complaint. Build his confidence by being appreciative and letting the small stuff go and by reassuring him he is doing a great job, that it really helps you etc. When you get a good grade on something, use it as an opportunity to tell him you are one of the lucky ones in your class, as the etxra help he gives you makes those awesome grades possible. Saving a little energy for sex will go a long way as well.
I'm so glad I am not the only one with husband issues. My husband thinks just because I am smart and already have a bachelor's degree that I am just going to breeze through nursing school. He actually just started taking college classes for the first time ever this semester, so I am glad that he can finally see what college is about. I don't think he realizes how hard I worked to get good grades. I do alot of studying at work and in the middle of the night while everyone sleeps. I do realize that eventually I need to sleep though.
I've had to watch two couples divorce over this kind of situation over the past couple of years. (obviously worse case scenario, and not saying you're anywhere near this)
Mandychelle79, ASN, RN
771 Posts
I guess Im lucky. My husband WANTS me to finish school so he can get a job closer to home so he has basically sucked it up. He knows when I say Im going to the bedroom and have my bookbag in hand, that I mean no one is to bother me for the time being. Do the kids come back, yeah. Is my house trashed, yeah. But its ok. He does try.
If he was unwilling to do as much as he does, I would wait till he came home and then I would go the library.