I just started NS last week. I have a six month old baby and a teenager at home. My husband works weird hours and the teenage is, well, a typical teenage. So when my husband is at work I have very little help with the baby or with chores, which means very little time to study.
The problem comes when my husband IS home. When he comes home I try to hand off our son......which last for about 20 minutes max. Next thing I know he's either handing him back to me or bringing him in to show me something cute he is doing.
My husband wants me to go out to eat with him....watch movies at night.....go to sleep when he goes to sleep.....be awake when he's awake. I get up for clinicals at 6 and if the baby is up at night.....I'm up.
I'm starting to panic that if I don't get some free time to study I'm not gonna make it. UGH.....What do I say to make my husband understand that NS is not like taking a regular college class?
One more thought for you. Find out what your husband's commitment level to your nursing dream is. After three semesters with a similar attitude from DH (I want to to achieve your goals/you really have to study tonight?) I finally got to the root of his "distracting". He always thought I didn't really want to work, just that I wanted to work as as nurse if I HAD to get a job. So he thought if he made enough money, I would stop pursuing nursing. I *thought* we communicated well too, but clearly there was a big mental block for him. There were other female/male societal issues at play, but we've also put those in perspective for our family. Now he understands how important this is to me, knows it's not just about the money, and has seen first-hand that what you put into it, is what you get out of it.
I agree with the pp who said you will have to leave your house. You will. DH used to get upset, and say "why do you have to leave to study?" But now he just tells me to go to the library. Or my office at Starbucks :)
It's hard to think about other things when you are at home, plus any distractions at home (did I put the clothes in the dryer? send that bill?) can be checked on and touched, and take you off track.
I started NS when my son was 6 months old too and what I found worked the best for me was leaving the house when I wanted to get real studying done. I often go to a coffee shop or the local library. I go alone so I wont have any other distractions and set goals for myself to accomplish before I head home. Even if its for only an hour or two, you will get much more done in that time than if you were at home! You'll learn quickly that it's not just you going through nursing school, it's your whole family and everyone is going to have to make compromises...just like you! Good Luck!
And then he pouts when you try to nicely shoo him off. We have one night a week when we are both off, and I soften my "rejections" by reminding him that we will hang out later in the week. Still, my best course of action is avoidance. Maybe pick a spot or room where you always study, and ask that you be left alone whenever you are in there.
Specializes in Emergency Dept. Trauma. Pediatrics.
I agree the marriage comes first, that said, a spouse should also be supportive of their spouse. Every marriage and situation is different though and it's hard to give good advice when we don't know both sides to the story. My husband used to be not as supportive with school because he didn't want me to go to school. I think he was fearful of me becoming so independent and leaving him or whatever.
I have always been an independent person but when I had my second child and married my husband I became a SAHM. So he was used to that. Anyway we have come a long way in our parental responsibilities. He used to not be helpful with the kids at all and than I put my foot down and now he helps with them a lot and plays a much bigger roll in their care.
He is also gone from end of Nov. until May which leaves a LOT on my plate with nursing school and 4 kids, but he has to go to where the money is when the winter months hit. It's hard on me with him being gone and I used to focus on that. I used to think he had it easy being gone and having to work but having that be it, meanwhile I was here managing 4 kids, activities, school and all the duties that go into running a house on my own.
I had to stop and put myself in his place and realize although the physical demands of parenthood fall on me, he has his own things there in Cali. Such as staying in a crappy hotel room with a roommate every night, not having the luxuries of home, not having his family, pretty much living in isolation away from us, he has told me it was hard to keep going down there because he felt so alone. He missed me desperately and the kids and just little things like cable and a big screen TV, his garage, the kitchen and so on.
Anyway, one of the biggest problems I had with my husband also was he was so needy. He always wanted to cuddle and I felt like he was smoothering and stuff. Again I have tried some self reflecting and it has made a huge change. I show him a lot more love and affection instead of pushing him away, we are intimate on a very regular basis, in return I have noticed a change in him. He is a lot less clingy and needy and isn't always whining when I need him to take our daughter to pre school or watch the kids for a study session. He cooks dinner 98% of the time and other things.
I see so many posts on here where people say how school consumes 99% of their life and they neglect their family, kids, friends, spouse and self. It doesn't have to be that way.
My husband and I have date nights. Just had one Sat. we make time for each other, just quality time. It could be cuddling and watching a movie.
Little changes and self reflection can have a huge impact and change. If your husband is seeming like he is getting more "needy" there is most likely a reason for it and a way it can be fixed by tweeking just a few things.
Anyway sorry to go way off, just trying to give some advice on the little info given.
Some spouses just suck though and aren't supportive at all and school and this degree is ones way out. But it can always do good to try and put yourself in your partners shoes and maybe try to get a feel where they are coming from and to try and get a middle ground.
Nursing school does NOT have to consume every part of someone's life and if it is, maybe some prioritization or smarter studying or something needs to happen.
PS- I think in a lot of cases men are pretty easy to please. Make them feel loved and adored (which can be done with the littlest things) and make intimacy a regular part of your lives. Just that can make a huge difference.
I agree the marriage comes first, that said, a spouse should also be supportive of their spouse. Every marriage and situation is different though and it's hard to give good advice when we don't know both sides to the story. My husband used to be not as supportive with school because he didn't want me to go to school. I think he was fearful of me becoming so independent and leaving him or whatever.
I have to politely disagree here. When it was decided that the best thing for our family was for me to go to nursing school, that automatically put everything on the back burner. My schooling has to come first. If it didnt I would not be where I am at today ( 2nd year of a 2 yr). My hubby and kids are still a priority, but school comes first for the next year, so our family will do better in the end.
Specializes in Emergency Dept. Trauma. Pediatrics.
I have to politely disagree here. When it was decided that the best thing for our family was for me to go to nursing school, that automatically put everything on the back burner. My schooling has to come first. If it didnt I would not be where I am at today ( 2nd year of a 2 yr). My hubby and kids are still a priority, but school comes first for the next year, so our family will do better in the end.
Maybe you are reading to much into what I am saying. I am not saying the marriage comes first to where one should bow down to their spouse or that kids might not have to sacrifice some things. My family will always come first over anything else. If my kid fell ill, or the husband got hurt and lost his job or whatever the case, school would have to be post-poned.
If I put my family on the back burner for a few years while I went to school, I might not have a family to come home too when I am done with school. It's all about balance. (on both ends)
All I am saying is people need to still make time for the things that are important! Again, balance.
I know this sounds kinda wrong..but sometimes I lie about my school schedule and just stay at school. If I tell my husband exactly when I "should" be done he starts calling with "important" things to tell me! Its so aggravating!
One of my teachers actually told us to do this lol!
I had a fiancee when I started my RN program. I felt I really knew him, expected he'd support me, and assumed we were on the same page. Boy was I wrong. He, too, felt that I should be doing all the cooking and cleaning. I politely informed him if we were going traditional male/female roles I would be dropping out of school and quitting my job to be a stay at home wife. He whined all the time that I didn't have time, his mother started calling me lazy because I dropped most of the housework and he wouldn't do it. I worked 40 hours a week, went to school another 30, plus homework and studying. He worked 40 hours a week. He actually cheated on me because I "wasn't as much fun as I used to be." I now am single and in my last semester. I feel that nursing school has taught me more than nursing; the experience made me realize that my 'great' fiancee wasn't so great, his family were jerks (I'd known them all for years), and I am much tougher than I realized.
Now obviously having a husband and children is different. I just wanted to say my piece. I'd suggest realizing your house won't be perfect and making food in large batches on the weekend and freezing them for later. And realize it's a temporary situation!
I went back to school for an MSN when I was 55, no children at home, a husband who was still working, and who really approved of my move into a "helping" field. I just quit doing many things and let him do something about it if he really cared.
Now I teach nursing, and I have had many. many students in the same boat with you - people who have been married, with children of any age (teens often need more supervision and support than little ones), and with spouses who say (and mean at the time) that they support the student and will do whatever it takes to help them get through. I have found that 1) the Significant Other NEVER UNDERSTANDS HOW HARD AND DEMANDING THE NURSING PROGRAM IS, 2) they also can't envision what their "support" will entail. They can't believe it when you tell them. You probably had no clcear idea when you signed up for this. 3) Many life emergencies can come up as the program goes on that require a choice of where you will put your energy, and sometimes you have to choose life.
I like the approach of the respondant who reminded that the S.O. is probably contributing money to this endeavor, and that sabotage will make the investment a total loss. Money does talk. If you have small children who will need your time and who can't be expected to "understand" and not bother you, it mght be better to do this later when they are older. Or else get help from grandparents or other relatives. It also helps if you go away from the S.O. to study - they can't make you feel guiltyif you're not there. To help the S.O. get through the sad, resentful parts, make a plan to have one "together" event (date, dinner. mopvie etc.) per week that you stick to so they know they're still loved. If you can do a program that allows part time it might help.
Good luck. Everyone's answer to this problem is different and depends on the individuals involved.
Well IMO there's going to be a point in your marriage where your husband gets sick of seeing you so I would cherish the attention that he's giving you now. Most marriages don't last now-a-days y'know?
I just finished nursing school with a husband who travels a lot and does not help around the house and a teenager and then work. It was hard, really hard. I made a study room in my house and I still had to leave as everyone, including the pets, would end up in there with me. The best thing I found to do is go find a cozy coffee shop and study there, with earplugs. I could more done in an hour there than a couple of hours at home. When your husband gets home, let him know you are going to study and then leave. You will most likely find out he can take care of the baby and will probably enjoy it. but if you're home he will rely on you. Have the teenager help out by giving h/she a list of chores to do in the next couple of days. I found if you don't spell it out on paper for a teenager it won't get done.
You are going to need your alone time to study. Find a good spot away from home. Don't forget to keep your "study supplies" in a quick grab bag. Like highlighters, notecards, caculator, reference books, etc. Good luck!
I agree with some of the posters here. My husband is supportive, he even set up a home office for me. The problem is that whenever I go there, so does everyone else...the dog included. I decided the only way to get peace of mind and some serious studying done was to escape to the library or Starbucks for a few hours a week. I made big meals on the weekends that could be frozen and revisited during the week. Initially I felt guilty about spending time away from them, but later I realized it was necessary if I wanted to pass my classes. I have a teenager also and the best thing ever to get her to do chores was set up a schedule. The chore schedule is posted on the fridge and it is detailed for what to do on what days. She knows that if she doesn't do the chores that means no going to the mall, hanging with friends, or the worst (in her mind) taking away the cell phone. Needless to say, the chores get done. The key is finding what works for your family and for you to keep your sanity in the process.
I haven't read all the responses yet (so I hope I don't repeat someone else's advice), but I had a boyfriend who acted the same way! Now, your situation is different because you're married with kids, but my ex used to always want me around and just didn't understand that I needed time to study. He also never went to college and so maybe that was part of the problem too. He just couldn't relate to what I was going through. That was back when I was working on my first degree. Now I'm single, and even if I wasn't single, I wouldn't tolerate a man like that. My education is important and I have to know this stuff.
My advice to you would be to get out of the house for studying. Hand off the baby and then head out the door to the library. Tell your husband you will be gone for X-amount of hours and your phone will be on silent and only call for an emergency. Then, check your messages when you take a break in between studying just in case there's an actual emergency. Also, set aside time for the movie night or whatever...say, every Saturday night...if that's too often, every other Saturday night, something like that. That way, you can still spend that time with him and he won't feel so neglected.
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SAHMStudent
141 Posts
One more thought for you. Find out what your husband's commitment level to your nursing dream is. After three semesters with a similar attitude from DH (I want to to achieve your goals/you really have to study tonight?) I finally got to the root of his "distracting". He always thought I didn't really want to work, just that I wanted to work as as nurse if I HAD to get a job. So he thought if he made enough money, I would stop pursuing nursing. I *thought* we communicated well too, but clearly there was a big mental block for him. There were other female/male societal issues at play, but we've also put those in perspective for our family. Now he understands how important this is to me, knows it's not just about the money, and has seen first-hand that what you put into it, is what you get out of it.
I agree with the pp who said you will have to leave your house. You will. DH used to get upset, and say "why do you have to leave to study?" But now he just tells me to go to the library. Or my office at Starbucks :)
It's hard to think about other things when you are at home, plus any distractions at home (did I put the clothes in the dryer? send that bill?) can be checked on and touched, and take you off track.
GL!