Funny things patients say

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The other day, I had someone say,..."That's my ****, referring to a spot on the floor dark in color. LOL!

I am sure you all have tons of them! :yes:

This was back in the early 90's when I was an STNA. I still laugh and talk about this incident. I had a very unpleasant Resident (He was always unpleasant, verbally abusive, rude, insulting...) Anyway, I was pushing him in his wheelchair down to the "mess hall" (cafeteria- I think he also suffered from PTSD from WW2?) One of the nursing home administrators passed us in the hall and she greets him, "Good morning Mr Smith!" He looks up at her all innocent and replies, "Good morning Mother Fu@R!"

This made me laugh really loudly!

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Specializes in Emergency Nursing.
My husband stated "He used to be a blood, but now he's a crip"-- hilarious. I wish I told my coworkers about that LOL! Luckily, that was my last day at work for a month.

You win some, you lose some

Oh my gosh! That is freaking hilarious!!!!!

As a tech, I once had a patient who was a bilateral amputee and paralyzed from a car accident. The shift coordinator for night shift (after I went home) in all of her infinite wisdom decided this patient needed a sitter because she said she was suicidal. I came in the next day and saw a sitter in the room with the patient and I asked the nurse what was going on. She told me and I was like seriously...she can't even move. She has no legs, not to mention the whole paralyzed part. How could the patient even attempt to do anything harmful to herself?!? That was a waste of pay for a sitter.

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Specializes in Cardio-Pulmonary; Med-Surg; Private Duty.
My husband stated "He used to be a blood, but now he's a crip"

I totally snorted out loud....

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Specializes in Med nurse in med-surg., float, HH, and PDN.

My very elderly pt with increasing dementia looked at her dear friend (of 20+ years) as she approached her. She said to me from the side of her mouth, "Dear God! Where did you dig up this one? He looks half dead!"

She also said, talking to an empty recliner, "Well, you see, it's very taxing for the committee to have a midget take charge ."

She had been sitting silently for some time, and apropos of absolutely nothing she said, "How did they get so much stuff​ up Cal's old patootie?"

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Specializes in Urgent Care, Oncology.
Bless Your Heart

Are you originally from the South?

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Are you originally from the South?

No, but I know the term and meaning from the Southern contingent here.

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Specializes in Psych.

Are they psychotic or are they delirious?

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Specializes in Psych.

I am an American who moved to New Zealand many years ago. One of my first patients in New Zealand had a serious head injury and I was doing neuro obs and I asked him the day and time and he replied he did not know. I asked him "Who is the president?" and he replied "Of what?". I realised my mistake and decided to move on to another question and said "Can you tell me where you are?" His response was "America."

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I had a male dementia patient who would routinely remove and store all his clothes in his pillowcase while in bed - stripping was a recurring thing with him. One day I entered the room to assist him with evening care, he flung his sheets off himself grasped his member and said, "Look! It's pretty good-looking huh? I bet it's the nicest one you've seen. Is this not the best you've ever seen?" When I didn't respond he continued, "ok, I guess not". I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing, but most of all I really wanted to leave. He eventually became a two-nurse assist assignment, thank JEEBUS!

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Had a nutter last night who kept calling me a fat nun.

Oh, man, I couldn't help it, I LOL'd in her face. Every. Time.

She cracked me up so bad.

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Specializes in Education.

Patients who walk out, yelling and screaming that they're "never coming back to this @#^@# hospital, you people are %#$^! impostors, I'm going to call my lawyer and have him sue you %!@$^$" and other things. To which our response is "see you tonight/next week." And when they come back? "I thought you weren't coming back here...what changed?" "You have the best food/nicest staff/quietest department."

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Specializes in Rehab, pediatrics.

I had a middle aged man who would never just say he had to have a bowel movement or that he was having one... It was like he was scared to say the word poop...

The one night he's talking to me saying "I can feel all of the churning of the cogs and wheels and all the mechanisms working right here." *pointing to his stomach* "Do you have some engineers here or a boss that can help fix my machine that is malfunctioning here?!" Then five seconds later you could smell the poo... And he exclaims "well whatever wheels and mechanisms that were malfunctioning are working now and I can feel something being expressed from my back side."

This whole time I'm like dear lord why didn't you just say you had to poop. Hahaha but he sure did make it sound like a great story all just for a bowel movement.

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