Funny things patients say

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The other day, I had someone say,..."That's my ****, referring to a spot on the floor dark in color. LOL!

I am sure you all have tons of them! :yes:

It always cracked me up when the LOL's would have the filthiest mouths! Try to get them out of bed and I'd get called ALL kind of names! I didn't know that 90 somethings knew what the C word was!

They are 90. They know EVERYTHING!

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Specializes in Registered Nurse.
That reminds me of when my dementia patient asked me if I liked big memberes or medium memberes. And when I didn't answer he asked if I even liked memberes at all

Priceless

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Specializes in Registered Nurse.
As a new grad, I had a patient for whom English was a second language. He was trying to convince me that something was wrong even though everything was WNL. He angrily said "I know my organism"!

I misread this at first and thought he knew his orgasm. This was funny too though. haha

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Specializes in Pediatrics.

I work in pediatrics. The other day a slightly delayed five year old told me, with a very cheerful look on his face, "I don't like your face!" His caregiver was mortified, hahaha, and made him apologize. I already knew I was not that attractive, but kids will always tell you the truth as they see it, so now I know for sure, haha!! :laugh:

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Specializes in Pediatric.
That reminds me of when my dementia patient asked me if I liked big memberes or medium memberes. And when I didn't answer he asked if I even liked memberes at all

Lol! And... Honey bunches of nope.

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Specializes in ER, Med-surg.

From a very angry dementia patient: "Go to hell! And get me a Diet Coke!"

We never did determine whether those were separate statements or if she thought that was where we kept the soda.

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Specializes in Med nurse in med-surg., float, HH, and PDN.
"Go to hell! And get me a Diet Coke!"

I really like the schizo element of this ^^^^^ I startled the dogs when I yelled "HA!" in the otherwise silent room.

I'm going to borrow it, but may substitute the drink depending on the circumstance.:)

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Specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.

Colleague and I trying to insert a Foley into a fellow with acute ETOH withdrawal who turned out to have some kind of hypospadies, making insertion challenging.

He is in restraints, confused, agitated, struggling, but stops when I take hold of him to begin attempting insertion. He looks down, grunts once, twice, then states "Don't worry ladies...it gets a LOT bigger than that!"

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Specializes in Psych.

Many years ago when we used to restrain patients, I had a little old blind man who was a real Houdini. About every hour, he would remove his gown, his TED house and then try to get at his foley. Routinely, we were in his room reassuring him, trying to orient him and dressing him in his gown and TEDs and then replacing the tape to keep his foley secured to his leg. On one of these occasions I asked him what we could do to make him more comfortable and he replied, "Well, you can stop coming in here tying me down, monekying with my [member] and dressing me up in womens' clothes."

This was not only hilarious, but a very good lesson for me. I always think of this man when I am dealing with delirious patients and I am so grateful we no longer use restraints.

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Specializes in LTC,Hospice/palliative care,acute care.

CCRN6514,RNQUOTE) "He used to be a blood, but now he's a crip"-- Is spit out my Sunday morning Bloody Mary on that one...Winning the internet,OMG,that's too funny (in a twisted,tragic way,people like that don't belong in traditional LTC but where can they go)

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Specializes in LTC,Hospice/palliative care,acute care.

Elderly dementia resident with a number of co-morbidities,came back from two codes and remained full code...Still verbal,completely immobile per baseline.Her bed was beside the window,every time we turned her to face it she would panic and scream"I'm falling out of the g##d### window,come quick,bring orange juice"....Loudly...repeatedly....

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Specializes in Med nurse in med-surg., float, HH, and PDN.
Elderly dementia resident with a number of co-morbidities,came back from two codes and remained full code...Still verbal,completely immobile per baseline.Her bed was beside the window,every time we turned her to face it she would panic and scream"I'm falling out of the g##d### window,come quick,bring orange juice"....Loudly...repeatedly....

If we'd all only known orange juice can keep a person from falling! Think of all the incident reports we WOULDN'T have had to fill out!

"Fall Risk"? order 5 oz OJ po qid!

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