Funny things patients say

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The other day, I had someone say,..."That's my ****, referring to a spot on the floor dark in color. LOL!

I am sure you all have tons of them! :yes:

Specializes in Registered Nurse.
My very elderly pt with increasing dementia looked at her dear friend (of 20+ years) as she approached her. She said to me from the side of her mouth, "Dear God! Where did you dig up this one? He looks half dead!"

She also said, talking to an empty recliner, "Well, you see, it's very taxing for the committee to have a midget take charge ."

She had been sitting silently for some time, and apropos of absolutely nothing she said, "How did they get so much stuff​ up Cal's old patootie?"

Love the first one especially. hahaha

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Specializes in Registered Nurse.
I am an American who moved to New Zealand many years ago. One of my first patients in New Zealand had a serious head injury and I was doing neuro obs and I asked him the day and time and he replied he did not know. I asked him "Who is the president?" and he replied "Of what?". I realised my mistake and decided to move on to another question and said "Can you tell me where you are?" His response was "America."

Priceless exchange. You confused the heck out of him. haha

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Specializes in Registered Nurse.
Had a nutter last night who kept calling me a fat nun.

Oh, man, I couldn't help it, I LOL'd in her face. Every. Time.

She cracked me up so bad.

That would have had me snickering too. LOL

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Just yesterday I was asking my patient if he wanted to get up to the chair and then he said "only if I can touch your boobs" lol I didn't know how to reply back to that.

I would have said "Stay in bed."

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Working night shift in a nursing home years ago. When making rounds one night a had a little-old-lady pointed to her sleeping roommate and said, "That one, she sleeps all day and whores all night."

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Best one I ever heard patient: "Can I get a coke?"

Me: "I'm sorry but you can't have caffeine (stress test in the morning) but I can give you some ice water or ice chips."

Patient: "Oh no I don't want that! Water causes Cancer."

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That reminds me of when my dementia patient asked me if I liked big memberes or medium memberes. And when I didn't answer he asked if I even liked memberes at all

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Specializes in Tele, ICU, Staff Development.

Elderly lady going for an angiogram: "I don't know what all the fuss is about. Doctor says they have to check my heart. But I told him, I've been taking my Prozac all this time just like you said, Doc"

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Specializes in Registered Nurse.
Working night shift in a nursing home years ago. When making rounds one night a had a little-old-lady pointed to her sleeping roommate and said, "That one, she sleeps all day and whores all night."

Too funny!

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Specializes in Registered Nurse.
Elderly lady going for an angiogram: "I don't know what all the fuss is about. Doctor says they have to check my heart. But I told him, I've been taking my Prozac all this time just like you said, Doc"

Close but no cigar...haha

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It always cracked me up when the LOL's would have the filthiest mouths! Try to get them out of bed and I'd get called ALL kind of names! I didn't know that 90 somethings knew what the C word was!

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As a new grad, I had a patient for whom English was a second language. He was trying to convince me that something was wrong even though everything was WNL. He angrily said "I know my organism"!

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