Funny things patients say

Nurses General Nursing

Published

The other day, I had someone say,..."That's my ****, referring to a spot on the floor dark in color. LOL!

I am sure you all have tons of them! :yes:

A few months ago I had a septuagenarian send her spouse of 50+ years out in the hall while she disrobed and was placed on telemetry. "He's never seen me naked." Welp, okay.

They have seven children.

I guess he "felt" his way?

That is SO SO SAD. There are a limited number of perks that come with adulthood, and being naked is somewhere at the top of the list.

Beer is another one, in case you were wondering.

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Specializes in Trauma Surgery.

Patient:"are you Chinese?"

Me:"No, but I am Asian though"

Pt:"Nah, I can tell you're Chinese by your eyes and facial features. You're definitely Chinese"

Me:"No.. I'm actually South Korean"

Pt:"Nah, quit lyin'. You're Chinese. That's like me saying that I'm Jamaican when I'm really black"

Me:My face--->:facepalm::no:

Pt:"You're late with my pain meds"

Me:"I'm literally 5 minutes late"

Pt:"Damn man, you're throwing my schedule off now!" (literally was mad)

Me:"I'm sorry"

--Patient cursing pretty much every other word and mumbling. Not exactly sure what the hell he was talking about. He sees me smile, shake my head, and hears me sarcastically scoff

Pt:"You don't know who you're messin' with! I'm a street n*gga, I'll eat yo' ass up in a minute! (I'm assuming he meant get me in trouble or something, who the hell knows) "I'll eat your ass up in a minute just like the other nurses!"

Me:"I don't even know what you mean by that"

Keep in mind, these two conversations were with the same patient. A 25 year old (same as my age) who's admitted to my floor for sepsis-- lives in LTC, hx of GSW and a paraplegic due to it, has a foley & colostomy. What are you gonna do, throw your self onto the ground to crawl up to me to "eat me up"? Who knows. I actually got him off my assignment in the last four hours. He also proceded to tell the NM that I was asking him specific questions about who shot him and where... Oh yeah, and that I was supposedly coming onto him and making racial comments. The nurse who took him over and the ANM were cracking up reading the note that I entered into the system. My husband stated "He used to be a blood, but now he's a crip"-- hilarious. I wish I told my coworkers about that LOL! Luckily, that was my last day at work for a month.

You win some, you lose some

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Specializes in psych.

Psychotic patients say the funniest things

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Specializes in Psychiatry, NICU.

Had a 15yo newly admitted with drug induced psychosis who walked over to one of our cardboard signs, picked up it up, and yelled "Do I get a tour guide with this s*** or something?" This all happened at about 3am, while the other patients were asleep.

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Specializes in ORTHO, PCU, ED.

I once had a little old lady ask me, "Honey...do you think I'm going to live??" She seemed so distressed. I said, "Oh yes Mrs. Doe you're making a quick recovery!" She, to my surprise answered, "Oh...too bad."

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This was back in the early 90's when I was an STNA. I still laugh and talk about this incident. I had a very unpleasant Resident (He was always unpleasant, verbally abusive, rude, insulting...) Anyway, I was pushing him in his wheelchair down to the "mess hall" (cafeteria- I think he also suffered from PTSD from WW2?) One of the nursing home administrators passed us in the hall and she greets him, "Good morning Mr Smith!" He looks up at her all innocent and replies, "Good morning Mother Fu@R!"

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Specializes in Hospice.
This was back in the early 90's when I was an STNA. I still laugh and talk about this incident. I had a very unpleasant Resident (He was always unpleasant, verbally abusive, rude, insulting...) Anyway, I was pushing him in his wheelchair down to the "mess hall" (cafeteria- I think he also suffered from PTSD from WW2?) One of the nursing home administrators passed us in the hall and she greets him, "Good morning Mr Smith!" He looks up at her all innocent and replies, "Good morning Mother Fu@R!"

The elderly and the young. Don't say anything to them if you aren't prepared for the plain, unvarnished truth lol.

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Specializes in Registered Nurse.
This was back in the early 90's when I was an STNA. I still laugh and talk about this incident. I had a very unpleasant Resident (He was always unpleasant, verbally abusive, rude, insulting...) Anyway, I was pushing him in his wheelchair down to the "mess hall" (cafeteria- I think he also suffered from PTSD from WW2?) One of the nursing home administrators passed us in the hall and she greets him, "Good morning Mr Smith!" He looks up at her all innocent and replies, "Good morning Mother Fu@R!"

Yep...I can see myself laugh about that from time to time for sure!! hahaha

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Specializes in Registered Nurse.
The elderly and the young. Don't say anything to them if you aren't prepared for the plain, unvarnished truth lol.

Absolutely!

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Specializes in Registered Nurse.
A few months ago I had a septuagenarian send her spouse of 50+ years out in the hall while she disrobed and was placed on telemetry. "He's never seen me naked." Welp, okay.

They have seven children.

I guess he "felt" his way?

Sad, but...those older elderly (80-something to 90+)came from a different time...and some of it is cultural too.

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Specializes in Registered Nurse.
Patient:"are you Chinese?"

Me:"No, but I am Asian though"

Pt:"Nah, I can tell you're Chinese by your eyes and facial features. You're definitely Chinese"

Me:"No.. I'm actually South Korean"

Pt:"Nah, quit lyin'. You're Chinese. That's like me saying that I'm Jamaican when I'm really black"

Me:My face--->:facepalm::no:

Pt:"You're late with my pain meds"

Me:"I'm literally 5 minutes late"

Pt:"Damn man, you're throwing my schedule off now!" (literally was mad)

Me:"I'm sorry"

--Patient cursing pretty much every other word and mumbling. Not exactly sure what the hell he was talking about. He sees me smile, shake my head, and hears me sarcastically scoff

Pt:"You don't know who you're messin' with! I'm a street n*gga, I'll eat yo' ass up in a minute! (I'm assuming he meant get me in trouble or something, who the hell knows) "I'll eat your ass up in a minute just like the other nurses!"

Me:"I don't even know what you mean by that"

Keep in mind, these two conversations were with the same patient. A 25 year old (same as my age) who's admitted to my floor for sepsis-- lives in LTC, hx of GSW and a paraplegic due to it, has a foley & colostomy. What are you gonna do, throw your self onto the ground to crawl up to me to "eat me up"? Who knows. I actually got him off my assignment in the last four hours. He also proceded to tell the NM that I was asking him specific questions about who shot him and where... Oh yeah, and that I was supposedly coming onto him and making racial comments. The nurse who took him over and the ANM were cracking up reading the note that I entered into the system. My husband stated "He used to be a blood, but now he's a crip"-- hilarious. I wish I told my coworkers about that LOL! Luckily, that was my last day at work for a month.

You win some, you lose some

Kind of funny, I agree! "Eat you up...blah, blah" ever the intimidator.....but those types are annoying too! Whew!

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Specializes in Registered Nurse.

This funny is only funny now, in hindsight, but I used it as an example of working in a too affluent area at one time...I had a patient that asked me to move something from one side of her bedside table to the other. Meanwhile, her arms worked fine and it was well within her reach in front of her. I said, "Look, you can do it. You just move it from there to there. See?" She wasn't confused either. LOL

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