Domestic Violence Survivor.

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Are there any other people on here who have survived domestic violence? how do you deal with it as a nurse? My husband of almost 2 years decided to try to kill me by throwing me against the wall and choking me. does anyone have any advice? I am going to nursing school, and i was wondering how this will affect my ability to get a job, due to the fact i had to run from the city i was living in to stay with my father.

i am also a dv survivor it took me 5 years to to leave for good. these men are very manipulitive in getting you to believe they will never do it again and that their so sorry, especially during that 'honeymoon phase'. stay put and focus on school. as for as school and work goes it is none of their business. I would seek counseling even if you think you dont need it, you'll be amazed of all the stuff we keep pushed in the back of our minds. be aware of your feelings in regards to the matter especially when working with patients who are victims, you may feel the urge to tell them your story and try to force them to leave their spouse, but it only makes it worse, just let them know there id help if they decide they want or need it. Good luck and hang in there.

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Nadja- you have good advice, if only my sister in law had done what she knew she should've done, and that was to leave. Leave everything and don't go back. When her abuser moved back to NJ, he did so because he had just gotten out of jail from almost killing her the first time. She had an active restraining order against him, but apparently never really cut off all communications to this jerk and he talked her into making a new start up north so he could also be close to his children. He was fairly wealthy, drove a new BMW, dressed well and had a great job as a real estate developer and you'd never believe that he could be so mean. She didn't tell anyone where she was until she was up there. My brother in law (and the father of her two children) was aware of things going on in her life and begged her to just get in her car and leave. Apparently, and we'll never know, she must have returned to the apartment, they got in a fight and, well...She was stabbed to death late Monday night, they found her body on Thursday afternoon rolled up in bubble wrap and a quilt with stab wounds to her chest, upper back, neck, and defensive wounds to her hands and arms. They said she must have put up a fight because there was blood throughout the apartment. I hate to think about what must have been going through her mind as he chased her from room to room. Was she thinking, "Oh, my God! He's killing me!"

I'm still just sick over it. She had taken several psychology courses in college and was well aware that abuse was real. She wasn't stupid or ignorant and she knew what the books and pamplets said to do. Maybe she felt that he wouldn't hit her unless he really loved her. That't the only thing I can think. It just leaves me with so many questions.

I would hope that the one good thing to come out of her murder would be if other women who are in abusive relationships could relate to her, know her as an intelligent and beautiful young woman, and if it could happen to her then it could happen to any other intellegent, beautiful woman. It doesn't just happen to just the poor, ugly, and unintellegent. And these men that abuse women are most likely our neighbors, friends, and coworkers. It's too bad that these guys don't come with tatoos on their foreheads.

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In my limited experience of dealing with people who are in or were in situations in which they were being abused, were also from families in which violence was an everyday occurance. Women (or men for that matter) grow up watching their mothers be beaten or verbally assaulted, and I think that they associate the violence in some twisted way with love. I don't doubt that in most of these situations, both partners really do love each other and that is why, when it happens, the abuser really is sorry after the fact, apologizes, buys flowers, gives great "make-up" sex, and the cycle starts all over again. That is why it is so difficult for the one being abused to leave the situation, each "sorry" is promised to be the last and we trick ourselves into believing that it will actually get better.

My sister in law grew up in a family fraught with neglect and abuse. Her mother went from abusive relationship to abusive relationship and many times these men also sexually abused her and her sisters. Her real father was never in the picture. When she met my husband's brother, she was in a load of legal trouble from a DUI in which she hit another vehicle head on and killed the driver who was also the mother of 4 children. The children were also in the car. She was looking for a way out, and he was the perfect man because he could help pay her legal expenses and also move her out of state (and he really fell in love with her). I had known her for several years before she met my brother in law, and he was the only man that I knew of who didn't hit her. She was really a very intellegent, loveable and beautiful woman and was a lot of fun to be with, but she had so much bagage. My brother in law knew about her past but in some sort of way had the "white knight" syndrome and thought that he could rescue her. She was never faithful to him and they divorced after about five years of marriage and two children. After the divorce, she went from man after man, often dragging her two young children with her. This went on for about a year before she met the wrong man. Long story short, she was murdered by this man. He tried unsuccessfully to kill her while she was here in Florida. She got a restraining order, he went to court and moved to New Jersey, and for some unknown reason, she followed him up north and tried to make another go at the relationship. She was up there with him about two months before he was finally successful in stabbing her to death.

I have spent the last couple of years trying to make sense of the what's, why's and where's of the whole thing. She was very smart, college educated (thanks to my brother in law), and very, very beautiful, so why would she want to waste her time with an abusive partner? I really don't think that she knew why she was drawn to these type of men, but in her whole short 25 years of life, at least she had 5 years of non-abuse, and a man who was so very much in love with her and tried everything to keep the marriage together, including counseling, but she just didn't think that she had a problem. It's only by the grace of God that her children were not with her when it happened...they had been with her and witnessed much of the abuse from several of her love interests. Her little daughter was about 4-years old when she came to me and told me, "I think my mommy's gonna die." This was about six months before she was murdered.

The only advice I am capable of giving someone in this situation is to get expert counseling. It must be extremely difficult to extricate oneself from an abusive relationship, but recognizing what is happening is a first step; and unless you have no choice, it's no ones business to know what is going on behind closed doors. It's hard for people to understand why people stay in abusive relationships, and therefore feel that the "victim" deserves what they get if they aren't smart enough to leave, but I think that the whole DV thing goes way beyond normal intellegence.

Thank you so much for such an honest, articulate, and moving post. I am so sorry that you and your family and your beautiful sister-in-law suffered this way. Your account shows how ensnaring abuse can be.

What happened to the children? Does your brother have them now?

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Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.

Found myself w/my ex's hands around my throat and alternatively beating my ribs and back with a fist. I made a deal w/God that if I survived, I would move out and on. And I did. BUT it was NOT easy and could not have happened w/o the help of some amazing friends who took me, helped me and protected me from him while he stalked me after I left.

Hopefully you have good support from friends as well as Dad....and do involve the law.

I am so sorry this has happened to you; I was there myself at your age.

Just know, there is hope and good things await you. I am joyfully and happily married to an amazing and kind man these years later....with two wonderful kids whom he adores. My life is soooo good now, those days are a faded and distant memory. You can do it!!!! We care and are here to help!!!!!

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Nadja- you have good advice, if only my sister in law had done what she knew she should've done, and that was to leave. Leave everything and don't go back. When her abuser moved back to NJ, he did so because he had just gotten out of jail from almost killing her the first time. She had an active restraining order against him, but apparently never really cut off all communications to this jerk and he talked her into making a new start up north so he could also be close to his children. He was fairly wealthy, drove a new BMW, dressed well and had a great job as a real estate developer and you'd never believe that he could be so mean. She didn't tell anyone where she was until she was up there. My brother in law (and the father of her two children) was aware of things going on in her life and begged her to just get in her car and leave. Apparently, and we'll never know, she must have returned to the apartment, they got in a fight and, well...She was stabbed to death late Monday night, they found her body on Thursday afternoon rolled up in bubble wrap and a quilt with stab wounds to her chest, upper back, neck, and defensive wounds to her hands and arms. They said she must have put up a fight because there was blood throughout the apartment. I hate to think about what must have been going through her mind as he chased her from room to room. Was she thinking, "Oh, my God! He's killing me!"

I'm still just sick over it. She had taken several psychology courses in college and was well aware that abuse was real. She wasn't stupid or ignorant and she knew what the books and pamplets said to do. Maybe she felt that he wouldn't hit her unless he really loved her. That't the only thing I can think. It just leaves me with so many questions.

I would hope that the one good thing to come out of her murder would be if other women who are in abusive relationships could relate to her, know her as an intelligent and beautiful young woman, and if it could happen to her then it could happen to any other intellegent, beautiful woman. It doesn't just happen to just the poor, ugly, and unintellegent. And these men that abuse women are most likely our neighbors, friends, and coworkers. It's too bad that these guys don't come with tatoos on their foreheads.

Hey Scarta,

Again, an excellent and insightful post. I pray in time your pain will heal.

You make a good point about what kind of people abusers are. They ARE everywhere, at every age, and every type of background. I remember a client who used to get beat and raped and was locked in a basement without windows during the day - she was the wife of a prominent local physician. Perps are doctors, lawyers, cops, carpenters - you name it. And they are never who you think they are because abusers usually present very well to others. Often, they come off as charming, helpful, charismatic, and loving. That's actually part of the hook.

I'm sorry you still have so many unanswered questions. You may never have all of the answers you seek, but I would certainly think it beneficial for you to speak with a domestic violence counselor, just so that you can come to a better understanding of what may have been going on with her thinking. I think it might bring you some greater sense of closure.

I know you read my other post and saw that it takes an average of 7 times for a victim to leave permanantly. One of the things that may have been going on is that she still may have loved him. I know that is a hard pill to swallow, and it doesn't seem like it could be possible. But abusers are most often presenting as some of the sweetest, loving, attentive, "perfect" men. A woman will often think, "He's so great when he's like this, if I could just get rid of THAT, all I'd be left with is the part of the man I love." As if somehow she could subtract the bad, she'd just be left with the good. Like cutting a bruise out of an apple. The bruise is nasty and ugly and who wants to eat that, but the rest of the apple is still shiny and sweet. I hope that makes sense.

Another thing is that women almost always blame themselves for the abuse. After all, the abuser told her she got hit because dinner was 45 minutes late. Why was it late? Where was she that dinner had to be late? Who was she with? What's his name? You can see where this is going. An abuser will always blame the victim. And after time, and to try and avoid the abuse, a woman will see herself at fault. She will come to see herself as someone who provokes these actions. In her mind, she will start saying , " if i don't do (whatever it is), then he won't beat me". She will also falsely believe she can change him - through enough support, understanding, enough love, whatever it is.

But no one can ever be perfect, loving enough, etc. for an abuser. He will always find a reason he believes is justification for the damage he does.

No one, no woman, cop, judge, no amount of love will end abuse. Only an abuser can end the abuse. Did you know that most abusers don't quit abusing, they just move on to others to abuse. I bet that guy had a history of domestic battery of women.

I know you wish with a heavy heart that she would've left him and stayed away. I know it's hard to understand her decision, but just know that there are a million reasons getting out of an abusive relationship is a process. Unfortunately, in this case, someone's life was lost. It breaks my heart a little more knowing she won't be the last.

Scarta, you have a message to share and you are obviously bright and intuitive. Perhaps one day you could honor her memory by being a force against domestic violence in some way.

Have a great weekend,

Nadja

PS. Look up some stuff on Sara Buehl. She's an attorney in Texas who put herself through Harvard Law and was a victim of domestic violence. She has an amazing story. I actually met and spoke with her, and she is just amazing.

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I keep reading everyones replies and it sickens me. In this day and age how strong educated nurses are getting abused for years and we took it for so long.But it is so nice to hear how many of us climbed out of the trenches and are doing well. Kudos nurses and nurses to be. Take what you learned and pass it along. Maybe the next nurse or women being abused will leave a lot sooner.

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Specializes in Med/Surg.

We go to trial on may the 31rst......today was the prelimnary where he was read his rights and given a public defender. *SIGHHH* I hope i don't fall appart on the stand

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We go to trial on may the 31rst......today was the prelimnary where he was read his rights and given a public defender. *SIGHHH* I hope i don't fall appart on the stand

I wish I had had my abuser arrested. Next month someone will be toasting another law school graduate. Yep, just what the world needs - an abusive, conniving, sexually abusive lawyer.

Please don't give up on this. I don't know if you filed charges or if the police did but either way don't give up. Remind yourself that you are on the stand so this man can not hurt another woman again...and you of course. When you're up there stick to the facts, I know it's going to be very, very emotional re-living the abuse. Stare at a point on the wall, stare at the attorney. Personally, I feel that looking at your abuser at this time can stump you, scare you, make you forgetful.

I'll be praying for you on that day. Were you there for the prelim? How did that go?

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I will be praying for you as well. You will do FINE. Remember, he does not control you any longer. You have ALWAYS deserved better than that and NEVER deserved what he did to you. Keep your chin up, eyes firm, and finger pointed firmly at him, and know that the prayers of those of us who have been through this are there to give you strength.

What you are doing takes an incredible amount of courage. You have my wholehearted respect as well as my prayers. Please let us know how everything goes.

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In response to #10, The Bible in the 23 Psalm says " Yeah tho I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for thou art with me....." Please note the it says I walk THROUGH the valley. We're not supposed to camp there. Nothing bad lasts forever, As you go foreward and complete nursing school I would encourage you to use what you've gone through to reach out and help others on their way up. That will take the power of evil so to speak out of whats happened to you. I is always important to help those who need it and remaining a victim helps nobody. I applaude your courage to go forward. Let go of your past and move forward with confidence knowing you are a stronger person and are taking steps to better your life.

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Specializes in ICU, ER, HH, NICU, now FNP.

I found journaling and short story writing to be very therapeutic and cathartic for me. Because of the shame that I felt - like most victims of DV - It was so hard for me to explain to my family and friends what I had gone through over 11 years. Over the 2 or 3 years that I journaled about it, I managed to write a few short stories that put it into focus not just for me but for them as well. It enabled us all to talk about it and share my experiences in ways I don't think we could have otherwise. I wasn't always ready to share the stories at a time when I wrote them, but they were there when I was ready to share them.

You might also read this thread...

https://allnurses.com/forums/f8/please-help-me-understand-domestic-violence-question-130459.html

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Congradulations for getting out of the relationship! I have not been involved myself but had a close friend who was, I asked her why she stayed as long as she did.She explained that everyone sees the bruises and thinks that is the worst but in fact it is the mental abuse. The bruises heal but it takes a long time for your self esteem to heal, go talk to a professional. It is all about control, he no longer has that good luck with your studies. This is your past learn from it and move on , it is of no concern to employers.

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