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I find it extremely sad that patients, along with their families and some healthcare workers, must resort to forming organizations in order to educate and bring attention to the crisis of under treatment/non-treatment of pain. Our society has been bombarded with so much anti-opiate propaganda over the last century that we blindly accept it as gospel. Anyone who dares even question the validity or the effectiveness of the drug war is immediately suspect. Doctors and nurses are caught in the middle of this war when governmental policies are written that oftentimes requires these licensed professionals to become pseudo detectives by interrogating patients to make sure that they are not seeking drugs. What a mess we have created for ourselves. I am copying a letter written by Siobhan Reynolds (we could all learn alot from her) of one of the organizations that was created to address the problem of pain management in our country. I found it interesting and thought that I would share it with you. You can read more about this subject at her web address: www.painreliefnetwork.org . I do hope that we begin to really study this problem, to learn about addiction and pain, and to learn to recognize in ourselves our ability to love and care for our human brothers and sisters without false assumptions. Nov 13, 2005 Press Release Painreliefnetwork.org Constitutional Claim on Behalf of Americans In Pain Presented By Siobhan Reynolds President, Pain Relief Network "Men feared witches and burnt women." Justice Louis D. Brandeis 1927 The Problem People in severe pain are unable to mobilize to defend their rights. Chronic pain is a disease and when left untreated sufferers often find it beyond their power to place telephone calls or use computers. These people cannot work, attend to their families, enjoy social or sexual relationships, or participate in holiday celebrations. When pain is overwhelming, they cannot think clearly or even sleep. 50 to 70 million Americans live in chronic disabling pain. According to a 1999 survey, one third described their pain as "almost the worst pain one can possibly imagine.1" Over the past twenty years the medical community, in concert with policy makers, worked in good faith within the current legal paradigm attempting to get pain treated. Safe harbor laws were enacted, medical board guidelines drafted, and for a short while, a few doctors began to treat chronic pain with opioids. In 2001, the United States Department of Justice unleashed a torrent of criminal prosecutions against physicians and called this crackdown the "Oxycontin Action Plan." All over the United States conscientious physicians have been prosecuted, jailed, or have lost their licenses to practice medicine. Dr. William Hurwitz, a pioneering pain physician, was tried and convicted of violating the Controlled Substances Act. He is presently serving a 25-year term in federal prison. Dr. Ronald McIver is serving 30 years, and Dr. Freddie Williams is serving a life sentence. There are countless other examples. Medical Abandonment Feeds the Prosecutorial Machine Frightened by this brutal display of executive power, most doctors, including those in the field of pain management, have simply abandoned this sickest and most vulnerable segment of our population. Patients suffering from mild to moderate pain, and requiring low dosages of opioids may still find care, but those patients with high dosage requirements are increasingly shut out of care altogether. Due to this public health disaster and humanitarian catastrophe, untold numbers of our trusting citizens have been unable to recover from injuries or illnesses that would, with proper treatment, be entirely manageable. Unable to find relief, these pain victims are often driven to suicide. Countless other patients have been provoked by their doctor's meager dosages to visit more than one physician looking for enough medication to allow them a measure of normal functioning, only to find themselves arrested for "doctor shopping." These unintentional criminals are often coerced into confessing to drug crimes and/or providing false testimony against alleged co- conspirators. To avoid long prison sentences, they may be forced to submit to ineffectual and inappropriate treatment for addiction, and face the prospect of unrelieved pain for the rest of their lives. Civil Rights of Americans in Pain Destroyed In 2004 it was estimated that there were less than 5000 pain specialists in the United States,2 many of whom would not, as a matter of policy, prescribe opioids. Those few medical practices which do treat chronic pain with opioids impose severe restrictions on patients' freedoms. Patients are routinely required to sign unilateral "pain contracts," promising to see only the designated physician for care, relinquishing their rights to visit emergency rooms, and to use more than one pharmacy. Often the patient must agree to waive his right to medical privacy, and permit government agents unlimited review of his medical records in order to be eligible for opioid therapy. One such "contract" required that the patient not "anger any county employee." Violation of these contractual provisions may result in draconian sanctions imposed by the physician, including the cessation of pain treatment. Patients are forced to sell businesses, give up jobs, and to relinquish custody of their children. As a consequence of being labeled "non-compliant," the abandoned patient will find it nearly impossible to procure replacement care. Spectral Evidence The root of the problem is the Controlled Substances Act, which defines addiction in a manner that renders willful substance abusers indistinguishable from undertreated pain patients. The term "addict" means any individual who habitually uses any narcotic drug so as to endanger the public morals, health, safety, or welfare, or who is so far addicted to the use of narcotic drugs as to have lost the power of self-control with reference to his addiction. 21 USCS Section 802 (1996) The law's apparent aim is to keep substance abusers from being maintained on opioids by physicians who are not in possession of a special maintenance license. Under this scheme, should the pain treating physician fail to divine the true character of a patient's opioid dependency and inadvertently provide maintenance to a substance abuser, this failure may subject the physician to Federal accusation of drug dealing and all that it implies, including forfeiture proceedings, personal ruin, and decades in prison. At trial, patients in pain are obliged to confess addiction and to testify that their doctor "addicted them" in order to provide substantial assistance to the prosecution and thereby escape a lengthy prison term. No corroborating medical testimony is required to establish a patient's self-diagnosis of addiction in a Federal courtroom. Witchmarks In response to the enforcement of the CSA, physicians who treat pain have invented a system to ferret out "legitimate patients" from addicts. Common behaviors such as losing a prescription, or asking for more medication are considered "aberrant" and have become self-evident indications of addiction. A patient's display of any of these behaviors is sanctionable by withdrawal of medical care. This system provides the pain-treating physician a way out of continuing treatment that he perceives to threaten his professional and personal existence. The ability of patients to remain in care is threatened at every turn. Patients in pain are required to attempt to prove to their physicians that they are not addicts or criminals. Patients who have any encounter with law enforcement, or who are turned in to their doctors by spouses or coworkers for taking what these lay associates believe to be too much medicine, find themselves severed from their medications as the doctor attempts to protect himself from potentially damaging future testimony. The results are discriminatory and racist. Minorities, people with psychiatric disorders, poor people, and Americans who have a history of substance abuse are virtually unable to find care. Simply put, the Controlled Substances Act is, by every meaningful definition, arbitrary power enforcing its edicts to the injury of persons and property; the very sort of thing the 5th Amendment was enacted to prevent. The Structure of The CSA is Unconstitutional The Controlled Substances Act prohibits opioid possession and distribution, and allows for harsh criminal sanctions. Possession and distribution of controlled substances is permissible only when the Attorney General of the United States authorizes such activity. This criminalizes the pain patient and the physician, requiring both to prove their conduct is authorized. The very structure of the law, therefore, denies people in pain the traditional presumption of innocence that free people enjoy and lifts the burden of proof off of the government and puts it squarely on citizens in pain and those who would treat them. The Solution Because the Controlled Substances Act unjustly prejudices the due process rights of patients suffering from chronic pain, the Pain Relief Network seeks to enjoin the DEA from enforcing the Controlled Substances Act against physicians. We anticipate having the CSA declared unconstitutional by arguing that patients in pain have an important liberty interest in not having their "state of being" (opioid dependency) de facto criminalized. The argument is not that people in pain have any fundamental right to pain treatment or health care. Rather, it is that the majority may not criminalize the activities of an unpopular minority simply because they find a behavior morally offensive.3 A bare desire to harm a politically unpopular group cannot constitute a legitimate governmental interest.4 Once the lack of available pain treatment in the United States is perceived as a consequence, however unintended, of the Controlled Substances Act, it will become clear that we cannot continue to further harm sick people and their relationships with their physicians in this manner. A Patient In Need Pain Relief Network (PRN) has identified an ideal plaintiff. He is a patient who lives in agony. He is a 30 year-old father of three, a former highly paid executive, who cannot obtain effective pain treatment in Massachusetts or surrounding states. He is so obviously disabled that he was awarded Medicare and Medicaid without the help of an attorney. We have located a physician who would like to treat this patient, but refuses out of fear of Federal prosecution. Were the DEA enjoined, this physician would treat this patient's pain. Having closed his practice to new patients since Dr. Hurwitz was convicted, this physician is unwilling to incur the additional personal risk represented by taking one more patient who requires opioid therapy. If necessary, several doctors will testify that they refused to see this patient for the same reason. Pain Relief Network Pain Relief Network is a not-for-profit organization devoted solely to making effective pain care accessible to the citizens of the United States. To this end, we are participating in the appeals of eight wrongly convicted physicians who are victims of the Controlled Substances Act. Through our work in these appeals we've discovered that the United States government does not acknowledge that they must prove mens rea to convict a physician of drug trafficking, nor do they concede that there is a difference between civil and criminal law in these cases. We have drawn a great deal of media attention to the issue, and recently participated in a CATO Institute forum addressing the pain issue. This may be viewed at the following link: http://cato.org/events/050909pf.html We are currently working with 60 Minutes on a piece profiling wheelchair-bound multiple sclerosis patient Richard Paey who is serving 25 years in a Florida prison for "trafficking" 1/2 gram of oxycodone. Even the prosecutor concedes that Mr. Paey didn't sell any of the medications in question. PRN will prepare the attorneys who enjoin the U.S. with all the materials they will need to accomplish this action. In the interests of our plaintiff's safety, and the interest of all the other vulnerable patients who are also unable to access effective treatment, it is important that we move with haste. Contact: Siobhan Reynolds President Pain Relief Network 1 Chronic Pain In America: Roadblocks to Relief http://www.ampainsoc.erg/whatsnew/conclude_road.htm 2 Libby, Ronald T.,"Treating Doctors As Drug Dealers: The DEA's War on Prescription Painkillers," Cato Policy Analysis No.545, June 16,2005 http://www.cato.org/pubs/pas/pa545.pdf 3 Lawrence v. Texas 000 U.S. 02-102 (2003) 4 Department of Agriculture v Moreno, 413 U.S. 528 (1973)

To deny pain relief to a suffering human being flies in the face of everything I thought a nurse should be. But nurses are human too and we all come with our own set of rigid beliefs, as flawed and predjudiced as they may be. The older I get and the more I read and learn about chronic pain, addiction, and drugs, the more I realize just how wrong my view on these subjects have been all of these years. At least for me, they were wrong. See, I use to believe that when I went to the doctor for stitches, fractures, or whatever, that the "all-knowing doctor" would know exactly how much pain medicine each injury or illness was worth. If he didn't give me anything for pain, I supposed I must not be hurting bad enough to warrant pain medicine. As far as pain was concerned, I kinda felt that only "wimps, pansies, and drug addicts" would dare ask for anything for pain, but in reality I didn't really know what a wimp, pansy, or drug addict looked like other than the negative stereotypical image I had of them. It wasn't until about 4 or 5 years ago that I began to "change my tune" about how I viewed pain. It wasn't as if a lightbulb went off in my head but it was rather a very long process that continues to evolve even to this day. The evolution of my views regarding the bureaucracy of pain control and management was due, in most part, to the whirlwind of doctors, nurses, hospitals, clinics, and everything in between that my husband and I were subjected to once he became ill. Not only was I angry at my husband for being ill, I was also angry and dissolusioned with the myriad of healthcare providers that we came into contact with. As my husband suffered incredible pain, he was poo-poo'd by some doctors because they could find no reason for his pain, he endured painful procedures from specialists who were treating him based on a misdiagnosis and then, when he continued to complain about the pain, was passed to other doctors. Never once was he given anything more substantial than a Darvocet or 5mg lortab for his pain, and only then was it very sparingly given. My husband didn't care...at that point, he would have eaten anything if it promised the slightest relief in his pain. He was loaded up on Bextra, Vioxx, ibuprofen, naproxyn, and all NSAIDS in between, he was taking SSRIs and anti-seizure medications, but nothing helped with the pain that he was experiencing. My husband began to question himself saying, "this couldn't all be in my head could it?" After 2 years of hell and a marriage almost in shambles (because the doctors had me convinced that there was nothing wrong with the man I had been married to for over 10 years and he was just seeking drugs), he was referred to a pain clinic who in turn took over all aspects of his care. Finally someone believed him. There really was something wrong. They didn't immediately and without disregard start writing large amounts of strong opiates, but they did help to keep him comfortable while searching for the reason for his pain. They set up appointments with hemotologists, orthopedists, oncologists, internists, and surgeons and they coordinated the care between all. In all honesty, now that I look back on it, these doctors saved my husband's life. Not only did they get to the root of his medical problem, but just the simple fact that they believed him gave him hope for the future because I believe that if he had to go another 6 months like it was, he would have killed himself. He was in that much despair. It would be nice to believe that all of the doctors who treated my husband did so sincerely and to the best of their ability. However, since becoming a nurse, I know better. Although my husband never onced asked for certain prescriptions, I'm sure that most of the doctors and nurses were thinking behind his back that he was just looking for drugs. That seems to be what a lot of healthcare workers think based on comments that I've heard from other nurses in the hospital and from some comments made on this board. I know that there are bad people out there, but I also believe with all of my heart that most people are good, sincere, honest, and law-abiding. 9 times out of ten, if someone tells you that they are in pain, then just maybe they really are in pain. To deny anyone adequate pain control of any kind, for any reason (other than if it's not in the patient's best interest at the time),is heartless and inhumane. I don't know about any of you here, but try as I might, I'll never be able to see through the eyes of another human being or physically feel what they are feeling, just as no one will ever be able to see through my eyes or feel what I feel. If we really could "walk a mile in each other's shoes," I think we would have a much kinder and gentler society. After 2 years of going through what we went through, I would never want any patient to have to needlessly suffer because I doubted their sincerity or because they didn't look the part of someone in pain. I did not go to nursing school to police and ferret out drug abusers. If I wanted to do that, I would have gone into law enforcement.

A heavy drinker will reek of stale alcohol. It won't just be their breath, but their whole body. Does he or she act impaired? Do you know for a fact that she drinks? If I were in your shoes, unless she is obviously working impaired, I think I would take her aside and speak to her about my concern for her rather than jeapordizing her job over a mere suspicion. Remember LoriRNinAlabama? (Re: I wanted to explain what happened to me...) Most posters felt that a co-worker should have said something to her before turning her in to her supervisor who subsequently fired her for being impaired (and she readily admits that she was impaired due to lack of sleep/or accidentally taking the wrong medication before coming to work). I suggest reading this thread before you say anything to anyone.

Wow. If this isn't a very true example of how God works in our lives, answers prayer, and has a plan for our lives, I don't know what is. I know that during a time of extreme stress and heartache, it's hard to see and accept that this may be a part of His plan in our life. Lori, He has a special plan for your life...and in someone elses life with whom you will touch. He has a reason for everything, if only we will still our hearts to listen and appreciate this plan. You will be a better person for it. You already are. Your story may save someone's life someday.

Bravo to you for being a voice for those patients who suffer with chronic pain. Our society has lived too long with the impression that "suffering is good for the soul." During my clinicals, many experienced and older nurses would complain that "so and so must really love that demerol (or insert any number of pain drugs) because they are always asking for it. While in my mind, I would think, "have you ever thought that the patient may actually be in pain, or maybe, just maybe, he is currently being undertreated for his pain?" One incident: a 15 year old male admitted for Sickle Cell crisis requested a shot of demerol 50mg for pain...the nurse at the nursing station while drawing up the shot complained constantly that the kid just liked the way the demerol made him feel because he asked for it every 4-5 hours. She was implying that he watched the clock for his shot. His doctor ordered the demerol 50mg q4hrs prn. Another incident: a 40 year old male admitted with metastatic liver cancer whose doctor ordered morphine 1-3mg q3hrs. I received report from the outgoing nurse who mentioned, "he must have a bad addiction to the morphine because he is always asking for it." When I checked the MAR, the nurse had only been giving him the minimal amount (1mg), and she was making him wait the full 3 hours. I just don't get it. Both patients were admitted to the hospital in order to manage their unrelenting pain and the doctors had written the orders for pain control, but the nurse takes it apon herself to withhold or minimize the amount because she thinks that the "patient just likes the way it makes them feel?" Until our society changes it's views about pain and pain management, I'm afraid that things like this will continue. Patients come to us for treatment and support and all we give them back is accusations and name calling. "Drug seeking behaviour" does not necessarily mean that the patient is an addict. It could, and in most instances may mean that the patient is being undertreated for their pain. I believe that one simple solution that doctors can utilize when dealing with patients who are admitted for pain control could be to write their pain medication orders as scheduled rather than prn so that the nurse must address the pain issue. As always, the nurse assesses the patient before administration of the medication, and if she feels that it is unsafe or if the patient refuses, she just documents that the pain medication was not given. Groups like the American Pain Foundation and the American Pain Society are a good place to begin to understand the consequences of pain in our country and what we can do to help. We know that the undertreatment of pain is a big issue because states are having to pass laws to force us into addressing this issue. Doctors are being sued because their patients are dying in pain (and then again, doctors are being sued because they are believed to be too liberal in their treatment with narcotic pain meds). Again, I applaud you for your advocacy for pain management. In my opinion, no one should be allowed to live or die in pain.

I hope this question doesn't upset anyone...not ment to, anyway, but how can a person confuse an ambien with a bp pill? Ambien is a tiny, thin, oblong tablet that doesn't look like any other pill I've ever seen. The shape alone should have a been clue. I take many pills each day: hormones, 2 different bp meds, antidepressant, and on occasion will take an ambien for sleep. I've also passed hundreds of drugs during the course of my employment as a nurse, and I've learned to recognize many just by their shape, color, and markings, although I always double and triple check what I am giving. I'm so use to utilizing the 5-rights of medicaiton administration, that I find myself doing the same with my husband and children. Lori, you can't continue to beat yourself up over this. The most important thing is that, although this could have been a recipe for disaster, you did no harm to your patients, and that you have learned a very valuable lesson that you can now pass on to other nurses. "If something like this can happen to me, it can certainly happen to anyone. So be careful, utilize the '5-rights' of medication administration even when taking your own medication." As far as another job, I've always believed that honesty is the best policy. I don't know that I would just tell anyone everything, but if asked "why were you terminated from your previous job?" Maybe it would be in your interest to tell them what happened, how it happened, and what you have learned to keep it from happening again. I have discovered during the 52 years that I have been on this earth, that most people are basically good. That they have an innate need to want to reach out to others, and that we feel good when we feel that we are able to help/teach someone who has/knows less than we do. Admit that we are human, that we have made mistakes, that we have learned from our mistakes and have a greater understanding of what we can do in the future to avoid doing the same mistake again, and that we need their help to move on from our mistake to become a better nurse and a better person. Pray about it. "God, grant me the serentiy to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." You can't do a thing to change what has already happened, so ask God for the peace to accept it. Ask Him to give you the courage to go on with your life and the strength to face those who may have humiliated you, and finally ask Him for the wisdom to make those choices that He wants for your life. I DO BELIEVE that God has a place for you in the nursing profession. It just wasn't at the last place you worked. Accept this as His will and ask him to lead you to where HE wants you to be. Just remember, once you place these burdens into God's hands, let Him worry about them and don't try to take them back by worrying about them yourself. That's like telling God that you don't trust that he can handle it. I will pray that you find what God wants for your life and not what you want for yourself, and that God gives you a peace that surpasses all understanding.

How would one get on with the Betty Ford Center? Could you imagine working there? I think that this would be my dream job.

I was once (back in the late 70's) given a verbal warning for saying "Okay." My boss at the time said that this word was non-existent and it should never be used (I'm from the south, "yall"). I asked him what he preferred that I say, and he said to use "alright." I still find myself stopping in mid-sentence when I am tempted or when I say "okay."

Multicollinarity- What state does your cousins live in? There are a few states that continue to disinfranchise ex-felons for life, but there are also many who will reinstate their rights. Georgia, for one, automatically restores a felon's voting rights apon completion of the felony sentence, although I think that they require a written request to restore the right to own a gun (and only if the previous felony/s didn't involve firearms). Florida, on the other hand, revokes a felon's rights for life (this is being debated in the legislature right now). I feel that it is unfair to disinfranchise someone (non-violent crimes only) for life. How can our states say, "you have no choice to chose, no choice to make a difference in how you want to be governed." If we disinfranchised everyone who broke a law (and got caught), how would this country operate? Look at some of our past presidents...they have broken laws, and yet they can hold the highest post in our country. I just say, "Bless everyone who is able to recognize their mistakes, own up to them without making excuses or blaming others, and learn from them." These people are in a unique position, using real-life lessons, to help other people that may be heading down a nasty road. Who else could actually be qualified to stand in front of troubled adolescents heading to jail, and say, "Look. It can happen. It happened to me." I also believe that people are inherently good and willing to forgive. I honestly think that if an ex-felon owns up to what he/she did wrong , is truly repentent and sorry for their crime, and is willing to change and just wants that one second chance, people (for the most part) are willing to give that chance.

Question: Did they rescind the contract because of the felony or was it because you checked "no" on your application? My guess is because you checked "no." Adjudication basically means the "outcome" of the criminal offense. I'm guessing your felony was not adjudicated pending the completion of your community service, but based on what I am reading, you were "charged" with the felony of illegal use of a credit card and your punishment was to "serve" community service rather than serving time behind bars. You wouldn't have served community service if you were not either guilty or plead guilty (no one does court-ordered community service just for the heck of it). I'm not sure what to say after the fact. I'm no lawyer, but I assume that if you were arrested, then there were charges filed. I think for future applications, it would be best to be totally honest, even if it means having to write a ten-page detailed explanation as to the circumstances of the crime, what you have done to fulfill the sentence, what you have learned since this happened, how this has changed your life, and how you have taken this experience to better your life and the life of others. I wish you well in the future, as I believe that no one is without sin. We have all done things in our lives that we may not be proud of...in fact, I've heard several times that the only difference between someone with a criminal record and someone without is the one with the record "got caught." You take your licks, get up, brush yourself off, learn from your mistakes, and try to do better next time.

Age is just a state of mind. I was 51, and the oldest person in my class, when I graduated from nursing school last December, but I am extremely active...I ride horses like a seasoned cowgirl, lug 50 lb bags of feed, swim almost everyday, and I can still wear a bikini to the beach without grossing everyone out. It's all in staying active, exercising, eating the right things, and having a positive attitude. In school, I can honestly say that I was in better physical shape and had more energy than 90% of my younger classmates, and I always tried to encourage and inspire them. Nursing is also my second career and something that I have always wanted to do. I don't think that I would have been able to handle the strenuous mental and physical work required of nurses had I not already been in a good place in my life. I also want to inspire and encourage my patients to be healthy and active, and I think the best way to do this is by being an example for them.

BRAVO! I couldn't have said it any better! Not only can it make the patient more comfortable, but it can also make cleaning their bottoms quicker and easier, especially if they are incontinent and unable to do their own hygiene care. I want my patients to know that they can depend on me and be able to trust me for whatever care they need. I want them to walk away from the hospital thinking, "Wow, that was the BEST nurse I've ever had!"

I wouldn't have a problem doing it for a patient if that is what made them more comfortable. The OP said that the patient wanted it done because the hair became tangled in her underware and pulled and I know how uncomfortable this can be. I don't think that there is anything that I would refuse to do for any of my patients (legally and ethically speaking) if it meant making them more comfortable. I'm sure that if they could do it themselves, they would. This is a very personal thing, and I really don't think that someone would ask for help doing this if they didn't really need it. Inserting a catheter is more invasive and personal than simply shaving the pubic area (at least I don't have to ask a female patient to "spread" their legs to do it).

Nadja- you have good advice, if only my sister in law had done what she knew she should've done, and that was to leave. Leave everything and don't go back. When her abuser moved back to NJ, he did so because he had just gotten out of jail from almost killing her the first time. She had an active restraining order against him, but apparently never really cut off all communications to this jerk and he talked her into making a new start up north so he could also be close to his children. He was fairly wealthy, drove a new BMW, dressed well and had a great job as a real estate developer and you'd never believe that he could be so mean. She didn't tell anyone where she was until she was up there. My brother in law (and the father of her two children) was aware of things going on in her life and begged her to just get in her car and leave. Apparently, and we'll never know, she must have returned to the apartment, they got in a fight and, well...She was stabbed to death late Monday night, they found her body on Thursday afternoon rolled up in bubble wrap and a quilt with stab wounds to her chest, upper back, neck, and defensive wounds to her hands and arms. They said she must have put up a fight because there was blood throughout the apartment. I hate to think about what must have been going through her mind as he chased her from room to room. Was she thinking, "Oh, my God! He's killing me!" I'm still just sick over it. She had taken several psychology courses in college and was well aware that abuse was real. She wasn't stupid or ignorant and she knew what the books and pamplets said to do. Maybe she felt that he wouldn't hit her unless he really loved her. That't the only thing I can think. It just leaves me with so many questions. I would hope that the one good thing to come out of her murder would be if other women who are in abusive relationships could relate to her, know her as an intelligent and beautiful young woman, and if it could happen to her then it could happen to any other intellegent, beautiful woman. It doesn't just happen to just the poor, ugly, and unintellegent. And these men that abuse women are most likely our neighbors, friends, and coworkers. It's too bad that these guys don't come with tatoos on their foreheads.

In my limited experience of dealing with people who are in or were in situations in which they were being abused, were also from families in which violence was an everyday occurance. Women (or men for that matter) grow up watching their mothers be beaten or verbally assaulted, and I think that they associate the violence in some twisted way with love. I don't doubt that in most of these situations, both partners really do love each other and that is why, when it happens, the abuser really is sorry after the fact, apologizes, buys flowers, gives great "make-up" sex, and the cycle starts all over again. That is why it is so difficult for the one being abused to leave the situation, each "sorry" is promised to be the last and we trick ourselves into believing that it will actually get better. My sister in law grew up in a family fraught with neglect and abuse. Her mother went from abusive relationship to abusive relationship and many times these men also sexually abused her and her sisters. Her real father was never in the picture. When she met my husband's brother, she was in a load of legal trouble from a DUI in which she hit another vehicle head on and killed the driver who was also the mother of 4 children. The children were also in the car. She was looking for a way out, and he was the perfect man because he could help pay her legal expenses and also move her out of state (and he really fell in love with her). I had known her for several years before she met my brother in law, and he was the only man that I knew of who didn't hit her. She was really a very intellegent, loveable and beautiful woman and was a lot of fun to be with, but she had so much bagage. My brother in law knew about her past but in some sort of way had the "white knight" syndrome and thought that he could rescue her. She was never faithful to him and they divorced after about five years of marriage and two children. After the divorce, she went from man after man, often dragging her two young children with her. This went on for about a year before she met the wrong man. Long story short, she was murdered by this man. He tried unsuccessfully to kill her while she was here in Florida. She got a restraining order, he went to court and moved to New Jersey, and for some unknown reason, she followed him up north and tried to make another go at the relationship. She was up there with him about two months before he was finally successful in stabbing her to death. I have spent the last couple of years trying to make sense of the what's, why's and where's of the whole thing. She was very smart, college educated (thanks to my brother in law), and very, very beautiful, so why would she want to waste her time with an abusive partner? I really don't think that she knew why she was drawn to these type of men, but in her whole short 25 years of life, at least she had 5 years of non-abuse, and a man who was so very much in love with her and tried everything to keep the marriage together, including counseling, but she just didn't think that she had a problem. It's only by the grace of God that her children were not with her when it happened...they had been with her and witnessed much of the abuse from several of her love interests. Her little daughter was about 4-years old when she came to me and told me, "I think my mommy's gonna die." This was about six months before she was murdered. The only advice I am capable of giving someone in this situation is to get expert counseling. It must be extremely difficult to extricate oneself from an abusive relationship, but recognizing what is happening is a first step; and unless you have no choice, it's no ones business to know what is going on behind closed doors. It's hard for people to understand why people stay in abusive relationships, and therefore feel that the "victim" deserves what they get if they aren't smart enough to leave, but I think that the whole DV thing goes way beyond normal intellegence.