Domestic Violence Survivor.

Gabie Baby · Apr 25, 2006

You must find a way to not let your horrible past define who you are.
I am speaking from experience with having a "bad" history, it is so easy to call yourself a victim and seek sympathy from everyone around you. I used to do it. If you are ever going to live a decent life you have to realize that you are not just a vicitm, you are YOU, a person who went through a horrible experience, and now you have to move past that and become you again.
I am sorry but your post is nothing more than attention seeking, I am not saying you are a bad person for doing so, but for your sake you must learn to fulfill yourself in a more constructive way.
Definately see a therpaist.
(ohhhhhhh, I am going to get flamed for this........):stone

Yes, here's the flame coming at you. How do you know why she posted? All you reallly know is that YOU had a certain reaction to it. And you have assumed that her reason is the same as yours would be, should you be the one who had posted this thread. As we live, we judge. That is, we attribute to others our own views and beliefs. And that's where we often end up wrong.

She's been through Hell and back. She is carrying on, picking up the pieces, and is to be congratulated, not amateur psychoanalyzed. BTW, it's definitely, not an "a" like you wrote.

Gabie Baby · Apr 25, 2006

I'm not sure why any future employer or anyone else, for that matter, needs to know why you moved. No one will know about this unless you tell them. Keep it under your hat at work. Do get help and support at appropriate places.

rewlpn · Apr 25, 2006

Are there any other people on here who have survived domestic violence? how do you deal with it as a nurse? My husband of almost 2 years decided to try to kill me by throwing me against the wall and choking me. does anyone have any advice? I am going to nursing school, and i was wondering how this will affect my ability to get a job, due to the fact i had to run from the city i was living in to stay with my father.

I am a survivor and still surviving. My soon to be x husband has abused me for 14 years. Last April he broke my jaw. If you have gotten away from him, stay away. It only gets worse believe me. I used to think, if only he means it this time ( He would always say it'll never happen again) and I'd believe him. As for it affecting your job once you get your license, it could, especially, if he's just beaten on you and he doesn't want anyone to know and then makes you call in. Spouse abusers are all about control and if they don't get it then they can get ugly. I wish you the best of luck and stay strong.

schwieterman · Apr 25, 2006

I am in that situation right now but do plan on getting out. I think that her posting that wasn't about attention maybe finally just wanting to talk about it. So, I applaud her for talking about it and wish her well.

Spritenurse1210, BSN, RN · Apr 25, 2006

I am in that situation right now but do plan on getting out. I think that her posting that wasn't about attention maybe finally just wanting to talk about it. So, I applaud her for talking about it and wish her well.

if you like, you can PM me on here

mead · Apr 25, 2006

Re: Domestic Violence,

Have been working with a nurse who has been in a dv situation. After having her head split open she has finally left him .Now we are all trying to keep her from going back! So far we are succeeding and with professional help we are seeing a wonderful woman emerge. It will take time for you too .Hang in there !God Bless

babybusterbrown · May 30, 2006

We go to trial on may the 31rst......today was the prelimnary where he was read his rights and given a public defender. *SIGHHH* I hope i don't fall appart on the stand

Hey Jess:

Just wanted to offer thoughts and prayers for you today and tomorrow. Please stay strong and remember the future will hold many postitive nuggets to build your new life on, starting with your nursing goals.

Take Care and please let us know what happens with you. You have many friends on this board who care...

BabyBusterBrown

Sugah Britches · May 30, 2006

You must find a way to not let your horrible past define who you are.
I am speaking from experience with having a "bad" history, it is so easy to call yourself a victim and seek sympathy from everyone around you. I used to do it. If you are ever going to live a decent life you have to realize that you are not just a vicitm, you are YOU, a person who went through a horrible experience, and now you have to move past that and become you again.
I am sorry but your post is nothing more than attention seeking, I am not saying you are a bad person for doing so, but for your sake you must learn to fulfill yourself in a more constructive way.

What an odd reply... in all honesty.. you say that you are speaking from experience, has therapy been a part of your recovery? Your post seems angry. I was a victim of abuse as a child and then continued to seek it as an adult, it took many years of self reflection and a whole lot of strength to overcome "my" situation. Not only was I a victim but in spite of "knowing better" I placed myself in situations with people that were abusive. Yes, moving on, overcomming and reclaiming yourself in a must. But how that is achieved is subjective, for some it is a "swallow it up and move on" for others it takes sharing and support from others.

To the OP.. pursuing your dream, going to school, graduating are all things that will give you courage, will help you travel the path to recovery. Goodluck and bright blessings.

KeithEMU · May 30, 2006

I am a male victim of DV. My first wife was quite abusive. There weren't many days that she wasn't abusive in some way, mental, emotional, or physical. Most of the times she didn't physically hurt me, but she tried very often. Once she managed to blacken my eye and she also tried to stab me once though I caught her hand before it went very deep. Several times a week she would jump on my back and start hitting me in the back of the head. Luckily I was able to reach back and pull her off my back, and she didn't know how to punch well. The mental and emotional abuse was relentless and daily.

Many men go through abuse but are "programed" to ignore it or shrug it off. I know from experience that it has the same psychological problems. I stayed with her for years, always convinced it would get better. She would do nice things sometimes and I think I lived for those moments. Looking back I don't know why I stayed.

Counseling is a very important part of recovery as well as having a good support system of friends. I had a lot to work through and a lot of searching to figure out why I stayed in an abusive relationship, how I could make sure it never happened again, and just what I needed to find for a healthy relationship. We divorced 11 yrs ago and I have been remarried to a wonderful woman for 7 yrs now.

I am now a nursing student but have been a medical massage therapist for 6 yrs. I have found that because I have "been through the fire" I have been able to indirectly help DV survivors in recovery. I end up treating physical pains of one type or another through work, and it becomes a healing of a different sort. I am able to show compassionate healing touch through massage, and being a male providing that is very healing to some DV survivor females. I do always make sure proper boundaries are kept as well. Several women have told me after a period that is has been helpful that a man was there just to heal relieve pain in a compassionate way. I believe I will carry this over into my nursing career to some extent as well.

Get as much help and support as you can. It does get much better as time goes on.

Beary-nice · May 30, 2006

i'm actually scared to go to trial

I can understand...I was very scared to go to trial as well knowing that my ex was there and I would have to face him again. It was very difficult to stand there and listen to all of the lies that came out of his mouth and out of his lawyer's mouth. It was very difficult to stand there in front of his mother who sat by his side knowing that she knew what horrible things he did to me, she had witnessed it many times. But, I had to keep telling myself...you know that is her son....nothing changes that...you know he is a liar...nothing changes that. My attourney was extremely professional and I felt I knew what was going to happen and what could happen. He had nerves of steel and somehow that rubbed off on me that day. It also helped that my parents were there and also my brother who showed up at the last minute in full dress Navy uniform....he had submitted a statement on my behalf as well.

It sounds like you are on your way to getting things straigtened out for yourself...I think you can use this experience, if not to help others in your same situation, to become stronger as a person...that is what I have done.

Never, never go back to this man and be extra cautious not to get involved with anyone like this again...I highly recommend a good counselor.

I too am a survivor...I remember vividly waking up one night feeling like I couldn't breathe...only to find his hands wrapping tightly around my throat. I have lumpy scar tissue in both arms from him twisting my arms, scar tissue in my legs from all of the kicking...you CAN get through this...PM anytime....my support and prayers are with you!

Beary-nice · May 30, 2006

I am a male victim of DV. My first wife was quite abusive. There weren't many days that she wasn't abusive in some way, mental, emotional, or physical. Most of the times she didn't physically hurt me, but she tried very often. Once she managed to blacken my eye and she also tried to stab me once though I caught her hand before it went very deep. Several times a week she would jump on my back and start hitting me in the back of the head. Luckily I was able to reach back and pull her off my back, and she didn't know how to punch well. The mental and emotional abuse was relentless and daily.
Many men go through abuse but are "programed" to ignore it or shrug it off. I know from experience that it has the same psychological problems. I stayed with her for years, always convinced it would get better. She would do nice things sometimes and I think I lived for those moments. Looking back I don't know why I stayed.
Counseling is a very important part of recovery as well as having a good support system of friends. I had a lot to work through and a lot of searching to figure out why I stayed in an abusive relationship, how I could make sure it never happened again, and just what I needed to find for a healthy relationship. We divorced 11 yrs ago and I have been remarried to a wonderful woman for 7 yrs now.
I am now a nursing student but have been a medical massage therapist for 6 yrs. I have found that because I have "been through the fire" I have been able to indirectly help DV survivors in recovery. I end up treating physical pains of one type or another through work, and it becomes a healing of a different sort. I am able to show compassionate healing touch through massage, and being a male providing that is very healing to some DV survivor females. I do always make sure proper boundaries are kept as well. Several women have told me after a period that is has been helpful that a man was there just to heal relieve pain in a compassionate way. I believe I will carry this over into my nursing career to some extent as well.
Get as much help and support as you can. It does get much better as time goes on.

Thanks for sharing this Keith, it goes both ways don't it? Keep pressing on...and I am glad you found the right one!

cts12345 · May 30, 2006

Hello,

Read your email.....Your peronal live should and cannot reflect on your working abilities - in any profession......Each of us has issues in our Personal life - regardless - this has NO Bearing on your professional abilities! What IS important in your situation is that you do not internalize your abuse and blame yourself in anyway......Abuse in any form - and I have experienced abuse from a relationship with a woman years ago - is wrong....But the most important point in all of its experience is that the abuse stemmed from your Ex's abusive behavior - not yours! Abuse has come a long way in this society - in that it was once a sickness in which males were the abusers - but in this society today - abuse, while not equal between males and females, has become more pronounced in females also....My most destructive result after my experiences was that I would internalize and blame myself (crazy, right) - but many of us as human beings do that! Your abusive situation evolved from him....not you.... It is essential that you realize this - for your own survival. Having an argument with someone is a part of life.....moods change...life goes on.... But resorting to violence shows the lowest disrespect that person can display to you as a human being! Here's my point: You at least have the ability to want to better yourself - to become a useful citizen in this society and to serve it as a Nurse......and provide yourself with a decent living......This shows that your ARE better than any negative situation that you may experience......and believe me, you probably will experience more problems in life.......(take it from an old 51 year old fart!)........Forget this dude....don't reflect his conduct on yourself.......Life WILL get better! It all depends on you........

As for myself....I've been through divorce, bad relationships in the past....but I'm going to pursue an education in Nursing........no matter what! Anyway, keep your headup high and let the past go.......Your too good to hold on to negative experiences.......

Keep on smiling! Phil