Domestic Violence Survivor.

Spritenurse1210, BSN, RN · Apr 13, 2006

I wish I had had my abuser arrested. Next month someone will be toasting another law school graduate. Yep, just what the world needs - an abusive, conniving, sexually abusive lawyer.
Please don't give up on this. I don't know if you filed charges or if the police did but either way don't give up. Remind yourself that you are on the stand so this man can not hurt another woman again...and you of course. When you're up there stick to the facts, I know it's going to be very, very emotional re-living the abuse. Stare at a point on the wall, stare at the attorney. Personally, I feel that looking at your abuser at this time can stump you, scare you, make you forgetful.
I'll be praying for you on that day. Were you there for the prelim? How did that go?

I am not sure how the prelim went, as i wasn't required to be there. The prosecuter who was working the case told me that he was appointed a public defender, and read his rights and charges. he said that because he has no prior criminal record that there is a good chance he may be sentenced to anger management and fines.....however he did ask me what happened. I told him exactly what happened, I told him that my ex looked me in the eye said "Now you die" and strangled me so hard that i couldnt breath in or out, and that i had to fight to get him to let me go. I told him even though i kicked him in the groin and in the stomach he didnt let me go. he asked me how long my ex strangled me. I told him i wasn't sure that it felt like forever, but in reality it could have been between 1- 5 minutes. I told him the reason why i didn't black out was because i was too busy fighting to get him off of me (I really wished i would have blacked out because the look in his eyes wont haunt me like it does now). I told him the only reason why my ex let me go was because i bent his finger back so far it touched his hand and the reason he didn't kill me was because I grabbed his finger and beng it back. I firmly believe that if i had NOT bent his finger back i would have been dead. once i told the prosecuter all that he told me he was going to go for the maximum of up to one year in jail. I was so close to tears on the phone...I think he understood though. the prosecuter told me to call him if i needed to ask any questions. Thank you all for your support. I wouldn't be able to go through with this if it weren't for all your prayers and help. you all are truley gifted and caring nurses, and i hope one day someone will be able to help you all the way you have helped me.

nadja9 · Apr 13, 2006

Hey Jessie girl,

Hang in there.

Some advice from someone who used to criminal orders of protection for my clients ---

When you go to court, dress very appropriately (I know you probably know this, but just hear me out - I've been in court enough to know). Think business attire. The more professional and serious you look, the more credible you become. REMEMBER, you are your own best witness. Hair and makeup done neatly but nothing too flashy. You want to present a picture of someone who has it together, who is intelligent, etc. Remember, that judge doesn't know you, so it is one of the ways you communicate that.

Always refer to the judge as "your honor". Be polite, courteous. Be in control of your emotions. I understand that this may be difficult, but it is important. It's okay to cry, but just keep things in check.

Hopefully, your attorney has gone over these things with you.

But trust me. MANY of my friends are lawyers and judges, and I have done this work personally.

And may he get his time in prison and become someone's , uh, shall we say, "person of interest" while he's there.

huganurse1203 · Apr 13, 2006

Keep Running And Dont Look Back !

Ruby Vee, BSN · Apr 14, 2006

women in domestic violence situations will go to all sorts of lengths to conceal what's going on from others. i should know -- i was one. i was too embarrassed and ashamed to let anyone else in on my dirty little secret. far from seeking attention, we do everything we can to avoid focusing attention on our situation.

i left my abusive husband nearly 20 years ago, immediately after he tried to strangle me to death. in the years since, i've worked as a nurse (i believe my experiences have made me a stronger person, better able to recognize and deal with bs and with better coping skills), saved money and bought my own house, developed a network of friends and met and married a wonderful man.

to the original poster: hang in there. be strong and stay away from that man. finish school and build a stable, happy life for yourself. if i could do it, you can too. i'm pulling for you!

ruby

WV_heart_RN · Apr 14, 2006

hi! i am a survivor of dv. five years of it. like anyone in our shoes i have lived through hell and come out stronger for it.

please, find a dv counselor and talk to someone. i had to and boy did it help. i ran from two different states to get away from the man who tried to kill me and take my son from me. that was in 1998. when i came home i had nothing but my son and some clothes. now i have the most wonderful husband who spoils me rotten, a beautiful home, new car, and career as an rn.

i had to overcome a lot in my mind and soul to be able to be where i am today. but be strong!! you got out and that is the hardest step. you are working on a career. good for you!

dv is not something you ever get over. the thoughts and memories never quite leave but they fade. i still have nightmares at times and if i think i have seen 'him' in my town my blood goes to my feet. but each year that goes by it gets easier. and with my husband of three years i am in heaven.

the lord really blessed me with dh. he made it possible for me to go to school and everything.

hang in there. pm me if you want to. good luck and god bless!

Spritenurse1210, BSN, RN · Apr 14, 2006

I like the quote you wrote, "never assume malice without ruling out stupidity". :lol2:

Spritenurse1210, BSN, RN · Apr 25, 2006

i'm actually scared to go to trial

burn out · Apr 25, 2006

My husband turned into a crystal meth user and dealier and I had to deceide that if I stayed the police would never believe me that I wasn't involved and there would go my nursing license and then how would I support two babies . After he beat me up and tried to run over me trapping me between (flashbacks..I digress) I ran and for 15 years I have looked over my shoulder, I freaked out for years if I saw a blue truck, and I would sit up nights watching guard over my children. Domestic violence is Hell, I"m not sure we are ever whole again.

LoriAlabamaRN · Apr 25, 2006

Jess,

I know it's terrifying to contemplate going to court. Remember this: you are not there because YOU did anything wrong. You have nothing to be afraid of regarding the court appearance. You are there because you were attacked. It's frightening being a victim of a crime, but you will live through this. God knows you've lived through worse. The feeling of self-worth you will receive after this ordeal is behind you will sustain you for a long time to come.

mhull · Apr 25, 2006

i'm actually scared to go to trial

Where I live they have DV advocates. I know that isn't their official name, but I can't think right now. They will go through the whole legal process wit you and provide other assistance. It is all free. I will be glad to get you the numbers from work. They may can help you or refer you. I don't know your location in VA but I live at the VA NC line. Maybe we are close and they can assist. Let me know if you are interested. PM me just incase I miss it on here even though I am going to try to keep a check. HUGS to you, I know you need em.

liebling5, MSN, RN · Apr 25, 2006

Jess,

I, too, am a survivor of DV. I got out, reported the attack(s) to the police, and I had to go to court, too. However, I did NOT have to testify. The police report and photos spoke for me. I had an advocate, too, which really helped. I went to counseling, and now if I see or hear anyone in a remotely similar situation, all the "alarms" in my head go off! Yes, there are patterns of behavior that I kept repeating, just like other posters have said. I found out why through counseling, journaling, etc and was able to stop MY behavior.

You did the right thing by getting out. Now, stay away from him. You will learn to spot men with those tendencies, and steer clear.

God bless.:heartbeat :flowersfo

javanurse2000, BSN, RN · Apr 25, 2006

i'm actually scared to go to trial

Do you have someone to go with you? Many times a victim's advocate can go with to make it a little more bearable. I was TERRIFIED to go. I got through it though, and so can you!!! We'll all be with you :0)