Domestic Violence Survivor.

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Are there any other people on here who have survived domestic violence? how do you deal with it as a nurse? My husband of almost 2 years decided to try to kill me by throwing me against the wall and choking me. does anyone have any advice? I am going to nursing school, and i was wondering how this will affect my ability to get a job, due to the fact i had to run from the city i was living in to stay with my father.

Specializes in Geriatric/LTC, Rehab, Home Hhealth.

I am sorry but your post is nothing more than attention seeking, I am not saying you are a bad person for doing so, but for your sake you must learn to fulfill yourself in a more constructive way.

Definately see a therpaist.

(ohhhhhhh, I am going to get flamed for this........):stone

err...She's asking for understanding and guidance NOT sympathy...since you don't seem to have either, I'm confused as to why you chose to post...unless it's the attention seeking thing

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I hope the OP wasn't shamed off of this thread by the ignorance of one... we ARE here for you. Please let us know how you are doing- PM me if you'd rather not post here.

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Specializes in Med/Surg.

Thank you all for your support. god bless you all. I am taking it one day at a time. it's been a week since i left, and i still shake in my shoes when i see a truck that looks like his come down the road. I am filing for divorce based on cruelty, and a restraining order. your support helps to keep me strong. right now i am taking a leave of absence from school, and will transfer to a school near my father's house in the fall. i want to take a break for a little while. :icon_hug: to everyone!

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Thank you all for your support. god bless you all. I am taking it one day at a time. it's been a week since i left, and i still shake in my shoes when i see a truck that looks like his come down the road. I am filing for divorce based on cruelty, and a restraining order. your support helps to keep me strong. right now i am taking a leave of absence from school, and will transfer to a school near my father's house in the fall. i want to take a break for a little while. :icon_hug: to everyone!

You are so young to be going through this ... you're a couple years younger than my youngest daughter. Take care of yourself, find a therapist, don't get sucked back into his life again! Please keep us updated. Wishing you the very best, dear ((((hugs)))))

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Thank you all for your support. god bless you all. I am taking it one day at a time. it's been a week since i left, and i still shake in my shoes when i see a truck that looks like his come down the road. I am filing for divorce based on cruelty, and a restraining order. your support helps to keep me strong. right now i am taking a leave of absence from school, and will transfer to a school near my father's house in the fall. i want to take a break for a little while. :icon_hug: to everyone!

You have every right to take a break. Don't worry about doing so, the important thing is to get yourself healed. I remember the fear, and trust me, it gets better. Get yourself a gun and take lessons in using it. Go to therapy. Stay strong. And never, never forget that we are always here for you.

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YOU CAN DO IT!!

I am near tears after reading your posts and the responses. I too am a survivor and vow to never be in that situation again! The experiences I have had will only help make me a better, more compassionate nurse and they also give me the drive I need to do very well! Failure is not an option for me ever!

Many women in DV situations are some of the most caring, nurturing, giving and selfless people. This is why they stay sometimes- they think they can help their abuser.

I fled the city I grew up in and started over new a few years back with three small kids. It was a struggle but I found a local womens shelter that had a great support group that helped me very much. Knowing I was not alone was a huge relief. Also another place gave me a book about pattern changing for abused women so you can see how and why you got in that place and how to make sure you never do again. This helped me immensely!

The way I see it, my life had prepared me fully to become a Nurse and make it through nursing school!

I wish you all the luck in the world that you make all your dreams come true!

And please, don't listen to those that look down because of this. You have more compassion in your pinky than they do and that is a great quality!

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I am sorry but your post is nothing more than attention seeking, I am not saying you are a bad person for doing so, but for your sake you must learn to fulfill yourself in a more constructive way.

Definately see a therpaist.

(ohhhhhhh, I am going to get flamed for this........):stone

If you thought you were going to get flamed for it, why did you post it? You have nothing nice to say? Don't say anything at all.

Jess, please get into therapy. It will help get those certain words abusers use out of your head. I have been in your situation, choked until unconscious, bruises, being pulled by my hair all while in high school. Please seek a qualified therapist. Six years later I still relive the horror in my dreams or when I see him. They say it gets better, but I'm still working on that. My therapist said to me "stop seeing yourself as a victim". I'm past that stage and now I'm angry. I want to call him and tell him how he hurt me, ruined my self image, self esteem and broke my mom's heart.

Who you tell is up to you. A potential employer doesn't need to know this but after being hired, you need to inform your supervisors, DON, etc of a restraining order. I wish you loads of luck on getting back your life.

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You did the right thing in getting out of there I spent my childhood years watching my father beat up on my mother and trying my best to protect the younger siblings from what was happening

I now work in the community and see many women in your position - leaving is a brave step - you don't want to put kids through the pain of watching nor make them believe it is normal to behave in such a way

I do believe my experience makes me much more empathetic with victims - yours will too

Use your experience to be the best you can be and help others find the courage you have

God Bless

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In my limited experience of dealing with people who are in or were in situations in which they were being abused, were also from families in which violence was an everyday occurance. Women (or men for that matter) grow up watching their mothers be beaten or verbally assaulted, and I think that they associate the violence in some twisted way with love. I don't doubt that in most of these situations, both partners really do love each other and that is why, when it happens, the abuser really is sorry after the fact, apologizes, buys flowers, gives great "make-up" sex, and the cycle starts all over again. That is why it is so difficult for the one being abused to leave the situation, each "sorry" is promised to be the last and we trick ourselves into believing that it will actually get better.

My sister in law grew up in a family fraught with neglect and abuse. Her mother went from abusive relationship to abusive relationship and many times these men also sexually abused her and her sisters. Her real father was never in the picture. When she met my husband's brother, she was in a load of legal trouble from a DUI in which she hit another vehicle head on and killed the driver who was also the mother of 4 children. The children were also in the car. She was looking for a way out, and he was the perfect man because he could help pay her legal expenses and also move her out of state (and he really fell in love with her). I had known her for several years before she met my brother in law, and he was the only man that I knew of who didn't hit her. She was really a very intellegent, loveable and beautiful woman and was a lot of fun to be with, but she had so much bagage. My brother in law knew about her past but in some sort of way had the "white knight" syndrome and thought that he could rescue her. She was never faithful to him and they divorced after about five years of marriage and two children. After the divorce, she went from man after man, often dragging her two young children with her. This went on for about a year before she met the wrong man. Long story short, she was murdered by this man. He tried unsuccessfully to kill her while she was here in Florida. She got a restraining order, he went to court and moved to New Jersey, and for some unknown reason, she followed him up north and tried to make another go at the relationship. She was up there with him about two months before he was finally successful in stabbing her to death.

I have spent the last couple of years trying to make sense of the what's, why's and where's of the whole thing. She was very smart, college educated (thanks to my brother in law), and very, very beautiful, so why would she want to waste her time with an abusive partner? I really don't think that she knew why she was drawn to these type of men, but in her whole short 25 years of life, at least she had 5 years of non-abuse, and a man who was so very much in love with her and tried everything to keep the marriage together, including counseling, but she just didn't think that she had a problem. It's only by the grace of God that her children were not with her when it happened...they had been with her and witnessed much of the abuse from several of her love interests. Her little daughter was about 4-years old when she came to me and told me, "I think my mommy's gonna die." This was about six months before she was murdered.

The only advice I am capable of giving someone in this situation is to get expert counseling. It must be extremely difficult to extricate oneself from an abusive relationship, but recognizing what is happening is a first step; and unless you have no choice, it's no ones business to know what is going on behind closed doors. It's hard for people to understand why people stay in abusive relationships, and therefore feel that the "victim" deserves what they get if they aren't smart enough to leave, but I think that the whole DV thing goes way beyond normal intellegence.

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While it is true that no one should let abuse define them, the ability to get past that kind of identification is the result of a fair amount of healing. You, by your account, have gotten to that point. Please don't judge Jess if she is behind you on the path.

When you say that her post is nothing more than attention-seeking, I have to wonder if you would view someone coming into an ED with chest pains the same way. Of course, they are seeking attention. They're smart enough to know they can't handle the current situation on their own and the first step of getting help is to ask for it. Some would see that as attention-seeking, I suppose. But short of crawling off into the corner to lick her own wounds, what else should she do?

I think the reason so many posters took you to task is that you came off as judgmental of a person who reached out in a tough situation. Her post didn't strike me as whining or manipulative. She just asked for some information.

Another factor is that it seemed like you were asking her to behave as though she were already healed without giving due consideration to the fact that she may still be struggling.

If you want to offer something constructive, maybe you could share some ideas for shifting one's identity as a victim to something stronger and more dynamic. How did you rediscover yourself? How did you get past looking over your shoulder and turn your focus forward again?

Ultimately, I think you meant well, but please be careful when addressing someone who is clearly vulnerable, as you once were.

Hey Miranda,

EXCELLENT post. As a former domestic violence counselor/professional trainer for healthcare providers who also continues to volunteer in the field, I couldn't have said it better.

Nadja

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Hey Jess,

I am so sorry to here that you are going through this. Please feel free to PM me to exchange phone numbers if you like. I'd like to be able to help you, or at least start the process.

Right now, I know you are probably feeling unsure of yourself and scared. That's normal. Please know that you are stronger than you think. It's a huge step to start talking about it, and an even bigger step to leave. Did you know it takes a woman an average of 7 times to leave before she leaves permanantly? That's because getting into an abusive relationship is a PROCESS, and often times, so is getting out of one.

And that makes sense, doesn't it. No one ever plans on getting involved with a batterer. I never had a client say, "Well, one day I was like, that guy is a total jacka@#, and I want to date HIM!!! I need a man who knows I need a little smackin' around sometimes". You didn't go looking for this, and it's NOT your fault. I bet he was prince charming when you met, and if you have been with him for awhile, I'll bet before the recent incident of strangulation (folks, we choke on a pork chop. when someone has their hands around your throat, it's strangulation) he had been emotionally abusive as well among other things.

What is so vitally important right now is SAFETY PLANNING. Please contact your local domestic violence agency, get online at the "family violence prevention fund", or some other site for safety planning. Women are most often injured or killed when they LEAVE, not when they stay. That's because abuse is about power and control, not anger management. When you move, set up a PO box. Try not to leave a trail with your street address, if possible. Get your order of protection, or restraining order, IMMEDIATELY. But remember, it's not a bullet proof vest, it's paper. Yes, it gives you greater recourse legally, but it is not an "end all" for his behavior. You must be vigilant now. And next week. And next month. Beware of any threats by your abuser regarding suicide. They almost never go alone.

If for some reason, he gets in where you are, stay in a room with an exit. NEVER GET NEAR OR IN THE BATHROOM!!!! Have a plan of action you reheorifice in your head over and over. NEVER agree to meet him anywhere in private, NO MATTER what he says. If you have personal items still at his or your joint residence, do not attempt to go get your things without a police officer. And no matter how nice, sad, heartbroken, no matter what promises he makes to change, blah blah blah, REMEMBER HIS HANDS AROUND YOUR THROAT and stay strong. I used to tell my clients I could only really guarantee them 2 things - that if they chose to stay in the relationship, the abuse would happen again, and it would get worse.

Please get some help soon from a trained domestic violence counselor so you can begin to heal, get your strength up, and have a partner in the process.

You have a ton of support here, lots of sisters and brothers who want to see you safe and happy.

Let me know if there is anything I can do personally. If you are having trouble finding a domestic violence crisis center in your area, let me know. I will find you help.

Peace to you,

Nadja

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Scarta105,

I am very sorry to hear about what happened to your sister in law. I don't know if you have read much on domestic violence, but you make some astute observations regarding the dynamics of the relationships.

Good job.

Nadja

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