Dear Complete and Total Strangers To Whom I Know Not Why I Open My Heart,
I was one of those kids with a terminally big heart, who endured a childhood in a broken home. Right when I was about to graduate high school, my parents finally split up, after years of physically and mentally abusing one another. This split threw me into the lurch more than it should have, as I was suffering from depression and bipolar disorder. Everything about my life to that point had been a failure...school, family, friendships. I gave up on myself, dropped out of high school, and ran away.
I had a few minor run ins with the law. Once for attending an animal rights demonstration. Once for hanging out with a boyfriend while he smoked pot. I got a bunch of tattoos. I drank too much, which was my self-medication and self-destruction.
During this time, I also did amazing, formative things. I lived a year in Spain, where I learned to speak fluent Spanish. I traveled all over the United States. I volunteered in various places doing all manner of things.
The misfit stage ended about 6 years ago when God or the stars or my biological clock sounded a jarring wake-up alarm. Since then, I've held the same job and completed 2 years of pre-req education for nursing school. I've maintained a 4.0 the whole time and was the highest ranked applicant to the nursing program at my school.
Now, a flashback. I always wanted to be a nurse. I remember (wow, this makes me cry) pouring over books about midwifery when I was 14, deciding to go to nursing school. I spent hours as a junior volunteer at the hospital. As my family crumbled, its propensity for mental illness took a hold of me. I spun off that course and made many mistakes.
As I cruise through these boards, countless times I see someone state something to the effect of:
There is no room in nursing for anyone who has ever done anything wrong.
This leads me to fear that once I pass the NCLEX and get licensed, I'll never find a job, and once I do I'll be shunned by my coworkers.
However, I wonder how my youthful transgressions would make me less of a nurse. In the core of my heart, I have always wanted to be there for people in the best and worst moments of their life. I have always been a reliable and supportive presence in their lives. I am in my soul, a nurse.
Are there other nursing students out there who are not nuns, ex-military, or otherwise free of sin? I have many friends with similar pasts and stories, who are even further along in NS than I am. It can't just be a local anomaly, right?
-I was born to drug addicted mother. Don't know my father. Don't know my mother either.
-Was bounced around foster homes and "the system" from birth until around age five.
-Was adopted in grew up in relative poverty meanwhile never getting the chance to actually meet any of my real family.
-Been jumped, stabbed and robbed at gunpoint.
-I've also had my run ins with the law.
-Suffered depression in high school as a result of all this
Then I went to college and applied to the nursing program on a whim and got in. I don't use any of my past experiences to get responses or things outta people. In fact, I really don't tell anyone and people just assume I grew up normally like everyone else.
I agree with all the wonderful supportive people who posted before me and I 2nd their thoughts. I'd like to add also something I've learned as I've gotten older - as hard as my childhood and life has been (and it was no picnic) - there will always be someone out there that had it worse than I did and maybe they didn't get out. Maybe they are still living it. So- when I feel like I'm the only one that's had to deal with all this junk (insert a stronger word there if you'd like) and I start to let it get me down - I just remind myself that I'm out. I'm free. I'm on a positive path that I chose. I take the next step that I need to take not only for me but for those that haven't gotten out yet. For me my past was a crappy childhood full of insecurity and abuse. It doesn't really matter though what your "past" is . . . most of us have one in one way or another.
So no - I don't think your past will keep you from being a good nurse.
Who on Earth wants a nurse who cannot empathize with you at all? Certainly not I! I think what you've been through will make you be able to see the world with clear eyes, rather than through the binders of those who had a good life, went right into NS out of high school, and have never seen diversity. Good Lord, I think of what I would be like as a nurse had I followed this path at 18 like I originally wanted to. I don't think I would much like the kind of nurse that girl would have been AT ALL. Now that I'm 40 and much more grown up, with some life under my belt, I know myself and I know my path in life. It's WAY better doing this now, than 20 years ago- both for myself and my future patients.
I started college at eighteen simply because i felt an obligation to, my grades soon displayed my lack of interest. After an attempt at becoming a pilot and later an English teacher I knew i was with out any real drive or direction. I eventually gave up on school altogether to chase a music career which later (randomly) led to a crab fishing gig in Alaska. All the while, along the way, i uncovered my passion for making a difference and the science of the amazing machines we all are. I returned to school and this time really felt a passion consume me. My scholastic philosophy had turned for the best and i did very well in those particular classes. After anatomy had concluded, and others were sighing in relief, i applied to be TA and served as anatomical assistant with the cadavers/pro-sections for the two following semesters. To further ensure I was on the right path I began volunteering at my local hospital. The time has come for me to apply to nursing schools however I feel like a wall has been raised by my past. My accumulative GPA is not competitive with most people applying these days. I've put in extra time where possible but now I'm beginning to fear some of my past mistakes will keep me from getting an acceptance letter. It's easy for me to know how driven I feel inside, but realistically... who's gonna buy that off an application? I'm willing to move around or do what ever it takes to be on that road. I just hope to not have to re-do college. On paper, I know it wouldn't seem fair to give me a seat over someone with a 4.0 GPA, however I know I will work as hard as anyone to achieve this. I'm lost. I am going to apply my heart out but if I'm totally rejected I'm not sure where to turn... The counselor doesn't give me much hope... maybe some one else can! Thanks :)
They consider more than one factor at nursing schools- at least at Community College. A lot of people applying are adults whose high school grades were so long ago. There are entrance tests and interviews. Make a clean start. Consider a Community College. Explain what you have just explained to us. There is always hope and there is always more than one way. If you have to take prereqs at night to get your GPA up first then do that. Good luck.
OMG! You should hear the stories other nursing students told about their past! As long as you stay out of trouble from here on out, you'll be fine! Many of the ladies that were in my nursing school were in the army. Wow, they sure weren't angels! You'll do fine, just stay out of trouble and study hard!
In my opinion, many patients cannot be helped by a nurse who sits atop an ivory tower. You are a kind, honest soul and I'm glad you're down here with the rest of us. :)
I'm here to tell you that your past will probably help you when you care for your patients. I work with many nurses who remind me that they were quite rebellious in their youth (they provide much encouragement when I'm dealing with my own teenage daughter, lol!) with drug abuse, promiscuity etc. I was a teenage mother myself. I've had many stressors and bumps in my life and I feel they help me relate to my patients and their families. I find that nurses who are judgemental of nurses are often judgemental of patients as well.
I most certainly can relate. I had a tough upbringing in an alchoholic household. I always had a big heart but I strayed off hanging with my local neighborhood friends who were up to no good. I had my 1st son at 18 and my 2nd at 21 and had a 10yr turbulent relationship. I took the longggg route and began with my GED when I was pregnant with my 1st son. I then signed up for college and went on to pursue the field of culinary arts. I did graduate with an associates and even attempted to begin a career but in the end it was not a place for a young, single mom who needed to support two young boys. I ended up pn welfare and at that point wanted to become a nurse but was informed by the welfare office that I only had 8months left on welfare so I would not be able to embark on a 2+yr journey for nursing school. I decided at the time to become a medical assistant so that I would be able to work in a hospital setting while I finished pre-reqs for nursing school. It took me longer then I initially hoped for but here I am 6yrs later and in my last semester of nursing school. I do plan on getting my bachelors degree and who knows what the future holds. So....to answer your question, you are not the only reformed misfit . If we've made it this far then a) We must really want to be nurses and b) our experiences will make us strong nurses. GOOK LUCK!!!
You are a brave and honest person for baring your soul. By no means are you alone in having a past, and your past definitely shapes who you will be as a nurse. As long as that past does not include any convictions for crimes beyond traffic violations, your past should remain what it is, just your past. Sounds like you will be an excellent nurse!
I have a similar past although minus some of the better stuff like traveling through the U.S. and Spain but I could say I went through many years of "fun." Probably from my freshman year of high school until my early twenties. I know what you mean about the "angels" in nursig school but I don't ever feel ashamed of who I am or my past. I haven't gotten close enough to anyone in school yet to talk a lot about my past but I do have some friendships that are new and I don't really worry about it. I have a huge tattoo on back that nobody has seen but it's more because I don't want to explain what it means to me.
Thanks for sharing your story. I'm tired of people pretending to be a perfect saint, and passing judgement on others. Everyone has some sort of past. I just try to accept people for where they are in their life.
Just wanted to say it sounds to me like you had a rough start but you've made up your mind and know what it is you want to do. That puts you way ahead of the game compared to some who start down this path. Maturity will go a long way. No one....NO ONE is perfect. Good luck and enjoy this roller coaster called nursing school. My ride is just past the half way point but I'm loving it (and hanging on for dear life)!!
. If we've made it this far then a) We must really want to be nurses and b) our experiences will make us strong nurses. GOOK LUCK!!!
Spikey9001, BSN, RN
337 Posts
Well...
-I was born to drug addicted mother. Don't know my father. Don't know my mother either.
-Was bounced around foster homes and "the system" from birth until around age five.
-Was adopted in grew up in relative poverty meanwhile never getting the chance to actually meet any of my real family.
-Been jumped, stabbed and robbed at gunpoint.
-I've also had my run ins with the law.
-Suffered depression in high school as a result of all this
Then I went to college and applied to the nursing program on a whim and got in. I don't use any of my past experiences to get responses or things outta people. In fact, I really don't tell anyone and people just assume I grew up normally like everyone else.