Comparing myself/feeling inadequate

[ladydanger]

I am a fairly new nurse (2.5 years) and have been employed in an ICU since February (ended orientation in May). I cannot help but compare myself to a colleague who has 6 months more experience than myself. Everyone always praises her and the charge RN allows her to take challenging patients; she has even precepted (as a fill in). It makes me feel inadequate. I feel I perform well at work. However, I am introverted, quiet, and I have never been (and never will be) a nurse who gets praise. I have been described as having a "quiet strength." I am not sure why this bothers me. Can anyone relate?

[Whispera, MSN, RN]

I think quiet strength is wonderful. Comparing your quiet strength to someone's whose isn't quiet is like comparing sunshine to moonlight. Both are important and make the world a better place...

[loriangel14, RN]

I can relate. I too am one of those quiet ones that never gets the attention the flashy ones do. It's really hard to do but try not to compare yourself to others. You have many qualities that they don't. Just be yourself and do your best. Since you are fairly new you will feel insecure at times but this will get better. I know how it feels to be passed over but we are not the kind to blow our own horns and fish for attention, even though a little recognition would be nice.

[QuarterLife88, MSN, RN, NP]

Once you said you were introverted, that explained your problem right there. Sadly our society loves extroverts. Even the basic, mediocre ones will get more praise than an excellent introvert simply because they are the loudest. Keep doing you.

I myself am not the greatest nurse ever, but darn it, I'm not the worst and I do a lot of the same "great" things at times my co-workers get praised for and wonder why they do and I don't. I'm also introverted and have just accepted this part of life. I once read in a book that introverts, no matter how good they are, are still more likely to be passed over for promotions even if the extrovert that beat them out is bad at their job!

[SubSippi]

When you're as new as the two of you are, six months of extra experience makes a difference. The longer you're there, the less of a gap you'll notice.

[Been there,done that, ASN, RN]

Can't relate, nursing is not a competition. There will always be a nurse that gets more attention than you, always one that receives less.

Staying under the radar is ALWAYS good.

You could spend that energy comparing yourself by getting a certification, participating in a study, etc. The person you need to impress is yourself.

[BonnieSc]

I get praise from co-workers at times, and personally from patients/families, but it's very rare for me to get mentioned in patient feedback after they go home... the same people get mentioned over and over, the flashy ones as you say. Unfortunately I've had managers who base evaluations and opportunities based on that public feedback, and sometimes the self-doubt gets to me... but most of the time I can talk myself out of it. Obviously I didn't get into nursing because I wanted to be publicly praised and admired (and actually I tend to get embarrassed with public praise, perversely enough), and I'm sure you didn't either. So I bet what's really going on with you is something else--probably that you question whether you're really doing a good job or not, whether you're really a good nurse. Most of us have those moments and some of us have them more than others. You might think about keeping a list of your best moments in nursing that you can turn back to when you start to feel down--irrefutable proof that you've done some good in the world. I have a tiny wall hanging that was given to me by my very first patient during orientation (though she didn't know that) that I've taken with me every time I've moved, even on travel assignments, as a reminder that I am not actually the worst nurse who has ever nursed.

[Altra, BSN, RN]

Fellow introvert here ...

You can adopt some assertive communication methods to try to ensure that you get opportunities for professional development. Ask to meet with a charge nurse/supervisor/your manager - whoever is appropriate in your unit - and express directly your readiness to take patients with CVVHD/Swans/ECMO/etc. Make sure it is an enthusiastic but unemotional statement -- not, "Nurse X gets these patients but I don't" but, "I have been on the unit 2 years now and I have not yet had an opportunity to take a patient with X condition/intervention and I am very interested in developing my expertise with those patients." Be prepared to deal with feedback proactively, if the answer is that you're not yet ready, by asking what steps you can take to demonstrate your abilities.

Same thing with precepting: "I am very interested in being a preceptor to a new nurse". If your unit has students, you might ask to start there. Ask if there is any formal orientation to the role and if so, can you be scheduled for the class the next time it is offered?

Another way to gain opportunities to stretch yourself professionally may be during your annual review or whatever individual goal-setting process exists in your hospital. Make these things measurable goals for the next review period.

[canigraduate]

Ummm....

Stop comparing yourself to others.

You will always find that someone has a strength that you don't. Some nurses I know are good at diagnosis, some are good at time management, some are good at catching minute condition changes that are leading up to SIRS and sepsis, and some are just all-around good. Some are great teachers, some are great managers, some are great with the nutsos.

Try to better yourself and don't worry about how you compare. As long as you don't suck at your job, you're fine.

[FurBabyMom, MSN, RN]

Don't let the others into your head. There's an Eleanor Roosevelt quote that you should memorize to help you "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." It helps me. I'm an introvert, until I know people and feel comfortable. Then I'm a little more outgoing but not the most outgoing person. I know that, people I work with know that.

I had the same problem. I let it bother me that a different coworker was getting to precept more, thought that my boss felt s/he was better if s/he was precepting (equal amount of experience working). I didn't realize I was being given WAY harder or more complex assignments. I'm in the OR - sometimes our read of the situation with what to anticipate can affect patient outcomes. I said something to a someone I work with about it - they pointed out that I was being given harder assignments.

I had a situation earlier this year where my boss said I was a good teacher. I said I never get to teach or precept. She said that when I DO teach I am a wonderful teacher, full of information, and a great resource. She said that for some reason I still seem to doubt myself, which she didn't quite understand at that point in time which makes my read of the situation worse. We talked some more, and I've precepted a lot lately.

I worked on changing my mindset - I am an individual and should be judged as such, particularly by myself. I have worked on "shutting down" my tendency to overthink or question myself by essentially distracting myself from those thoughts. If I'm really wrong, or others don't understand why I'm doing what I'm doing they will probably call me out on it. I don't need to assume things about others. I'm not a mind reader.

I had a challenging assignment last week - it was supposed to be XYZ but was really ABC and XYZ. I felt wholly unprepared and rushed with the whole situation. I let myself have that thought for two seconds and decided I had to move on. I had a lot to do and dwelling on the negative wasn't going to fix anything. It was going to be what it was going to be. Simple as that. The follow up I got later - from the surgeon (during a conversation with my boss)? "Things were perfect. We had everything we needed."

Anyhow. Don't be too hard on yourself. Keep your chin up, think positively. Do yourself a favor - write down three good things that happen to you every day before bed (doesn't necessarily have to be work related). This helped me a lot. :)

[NursesRmofun, ASN, RN]

I kind of agree that the more vibrant, outgoing people usually get more attention and maybe special treatment. Not sure why it happens that way, but it does. If you are quiet and strong, then be happy with that. I think that is my advice. We can't be someone we are not. Secretly, the people that praise her might actually prefer YOU as their nurse, if they were hospitalized!

[imintrouble, BSN, RN]

Comparing yourself to other people is pointless. It ensures dissatisfaction with who you are and where you are.

I'm not immune to asking the same questions the OP asks. I just stomp them out as soon as they're in my head.

There are so many variables. We all know that qualities other than being a good nurse influence choices.

Personal choices. Maybe the person who promotes likes young nurses over old nurses. Thin nurses over fat ones.

Maybe the preferred nurse makes less. Or doesn't take a lunch. Or has a personal relationship with the boss. Everybody likes the outgoing co-worker better than the one who's quiet. Even I do.

Who knows?

What I know, is measuring yourself against other people, is guaranteed to make you feel less.