This is a spawn of the spanking alternative thread. I'm curious about what my buddies here would do in an on-going situation that involves my distant in-laws.
First and foremost, let me say, I have no children. I am a new-grad NP, and I am completing my FNP certification. I'll be done in August. I currently am awaiting licensure as an ACNP. I wanted to wait till school was over till I had any rugrats. That does not mean that I have not had a hand in raising a few (my cousins) and also does not mean that I do not know a discipline problem when I see it.
Anyone who's read my threads knows how I feel about my MIL (bipolar and unmedicated), and they also know about my DH (a bit of a sexist with a part-time God complex, but I love him dearly). Since this is his family, I truly try and stay out of it. However, as these boys get older, and the discipline does not come, I can see the handwriting on the wall.
The youngest is not so bad, he's a sweetie, but the eldest has been a hellion from the word go. The father will not work, will not help with the kids, and walks around with a constant pained expression. The Mama tries, but she is the sole breadwinner, and she does not discipline the boys, either. Case in point, this past Thanksgiving, the boy spilled his soda all over MIL's new carpet (after being told repeatedly NOT to go in the living room with his drink). Mama and I scrambled around like mad mopping up, and the father never lifted a finger. I have no idea what goes on at their house, but I do know that at one point a couple years back, this boy RAN OVER his little brother with a Gator, and the little one required some extensive medical intervention. I don't even recall him being spanked or spoken to about that.
Christmas comes, and we all traipse to my MIL's mother's house. There, the kids all open several gifts each, and then the grown-ups play a game. Well, this year, the boy tramped 2 pieces of gum and an orange slice into the new carpet inside of 5 minutes. He then spilled yet another drink, ran wild, slamming into various adults, told his grandmother what they had gotten her for Christmas, and threw a fit over not getting to be the first to play with it. Meanwhile, father is ignoring him and treating me to a barrage of lame jokes about my wearing a shirt in favor of a different football team than the rest of the family. After picking up the boy for the umpteenth time, I jokingly asked if he would like to be buried up to his neck in an anthill. Compared to his mother threatening to throw him in the street with a "boot in his butt", it was all in fun, but father immediately pounced and told me that I did not need to have children. The night wore on, the present was opened, the boy tried to wrestle the controller away from whoever was playing and when he could not, he would lay in the floor so that they would have to step over him. During the adult game, he insisted that he was playing, and would write numbers on paper (we fdraw to determine order) and try to open the adult's gifts, despite being told not to.
My question is: Everyone was telling this child, get up, get out of the way, do not bother that, etc. Including me. The Mama was as well, but she would not do anything about him. So, DH decides he is ready to leave, and proceeds to berate me about my part in the whole affair, and say I should "be glad he rescued me before someone put me in my place.". That I should not say anything because, "I am not a member of that family". Then he punctuated it with , "Now you have BOTH sides of your family telling you you don't need children!" I informed him that not only did I not care what that particular man thought, but that, since I was not a member of the family, there was no way that I could have 2 sides telling me ANYTHING. I love logic. Out of all those people, I was the only one that, in his opinion, was not qualified to say anything.
If you see a child at a family gathering acting out and the parents do nothing, do you step in? Do you if others are? What do you do when you join in the seeming fun and it turns into a you-bash? I guess when I have 'em, I'll raise 'em the way I want, but I can not imagine letting my children do those things. Thanks for reading. It's been a bad day.
I experienced a particularly hellish x=mas 15 years ago. It was at my home.
Most everyone showed up on time, then there were the straglers. Within 2 hours, there were so many arguments going on between various family members I could have just thrown up. After attempting to put out the fires I finally realize the futility in it.
I announced I have had enough. That I was sorry that people could not behave for the holidays and that I was not going to sit and watch it anymore. I asked everyone to leave. As my home was not going to be a battle ground for one minute more.
Needless to say, I received many phone calls later of apologies from spouses of spouses who had been yelling, parents of unruly kids.
Holidays used to be so stressful. I for one am glad my family whom I love are now 1800 miles away.
I now look forward to the holidays. This side of the family at least is housebroken.
Even in the nicest families, in-laws are more quickly and harshly judged, especially by women.
Unless you are close with those kids(meaning seeing them more than holidays and family events), use basic assertiveness skills to stand up for yourself, but leave any thing else to the parents.
To me, the answer is simple: Parents can't let children run wild at home and expect them to behave when you take them out in public.
It does children a grave disservice because it gives them a sense of entitlement, a sense that rules don't apply to them, and a sense that breaking them has no consequences.
I have two young children. I do spank them, but I save it for "big things". Time out is the punishment of choice in our house....spankings are handed out when the time out fails to work b/c you can never be afraid to go further than the child or else they have the upper hand.
I want my children to behave out of self-control, and not out of threats or fear.
I have a sibling that has three children that fits the description that you have. Unfortunately, we have had to resort to inviting them without the children AND made it clear to them as to why...this teaches the child consequences, ie. "I'm sorry, but you can't go to Grandma's b/c the last time you went you did _______ and that is what happens when you don't follow the rules".
If they make the choice not to come, then that is fine with the rest of the family. The parents aren't getting the carpet cleaning and upholstry cleaning bills in the hundreds of dollars either.
To me it seems as if this child is following in his fathers footsteps by.....having no respect for others, expecting others to give him everything he wants, and a total disrespect for women.........I am a mother and I by no means beat my children but they know if they ever acted like this child--its not gonna be pretty. I just hope when you do become a mother that you keep your precious lil' one away from this sick individual. Good Luck!
I think you have an answer in a comment that your DH made. It was the one about you not being part of that family.
To me, when you marry someone, you marry their family. It may not always be the best thing, but that is how I was raised. Now, if DH feels that you are not part of that family, then you have a built in excuse to not go to any holiday gathering and therefore spare yourself the anguish of dealing with them.
BTW, I know you say you love DH dearly, but his attitude bears some examination and I, for one, wouldn't want to bring children into a relationship where my husband feels he has to "rescue" me from a bunch of savages. I have been married to someone like that before and it ended up lowering my self esteem to the level of he** it takes miracles to climb out from. I wish you luck!!
Those kids don't need to be beat. They need attention from their father and they need discipline. I truly believe that those kids act the way they do so they can get attention from their father, which they haven't gotten, so they'll do anything negative as long as it gets them attention. My cousin's 2 year old son acts better than those kids. My other cousin's 4 year old son acts better than those kids and we think he has ADHD.
Specializes in Dialysis, Long-term care, Med-Surg.
Do you have family on your side that you can spend the holidays with? I have four children and they have a couple chances to be told something and then they get their butts spanked. My husband and I don't do disobediance and if family gets on to them, then so be it. I tell my children, "you are not will animals."
I have had to tell my in-laws, out-laws and some in my family where to get off, and I'll do it again! I did it yesterday to one of my family members.
well for me being a mother, if I were at your home and my children were disrespecting your home then yes you have every right to get onto them, provided I don't do it first or did not see what they did. But when someone is at my home and decide to discipline my kids, it goes all over me. Becuase rules are different in my home. My children are not
wild ones and would never do some of the things that you have described. But my MIL has a bad habit of coming to our house and discipling my kids to the point of tacking over the discipline and undermining my authority
over them. Which makes it harder on me. And DH has talked to her about it. She never tries to overstep DH when he is discipling our kids but she does it too me a lot of the time. I spank my kids also but not near as much as my dh or MIL think I need to. I don't think every disobediant act requires a spanking. Maybe I'm just lax in my parenting or maybe it's because my parents didnt' spank, IDK. But my kids are still respectful.
I have learned before I had kids, what not to do by watching other people. I have kept my opnion to myself alot and I have never gotten on to anyone elses kids. Unless they were in my home and breaking one of my rules. There I feel i have that right for my guest to act appropriatley.
moonchild20002000
288 Posts
I am the mother of 3,grandmother of 2 and I do not tolerate bad behavior
in children.I'm shocked that this child was allowed to cause so many problems.
How old are these kids? Think about how this kid will behave in his teen years.
I would had a few choice words to say to the kid.But burying him up to his neck in an
anthill sounds like a plan to me!
When his Dad make his comment I would have come back with something like
if he would do his job as a father it might not be necessary to intervene.
You said this man won't work....the opinion of a loser means nothing.
Just my opinion.