This is a spawn of the spanking alternative thread. I'm curious about what my buddies here would do in an on-going situation that involves my distant in-laws.
First and foremost, let me say, I have no children. I am a new-grad NP, and I am completing my FNP certification. I'll be done in August. I currently am awaiting licensure as an ACNP. I wanted to wait till school was over till I had any rugrats. That does not mean that I have not had a hand in raising a few (my cousins) and also does not mean that I do not know a discipline problem when I see it.
Anyone who's read my threads knows how I feel about my MIL (bipolar and unmedicated), and they also know about my DH (a bit of a sexist with a part-time God complex, but I love him dearly). Since this is his family, I truly try and stay out of it. However, as these boys get older, and the discipline does not come, I can see the handwriting on the wall.
The youngest is not so bad, he's a sweetie, but the eldest has been a hellion from the word go. The father will not work, will not help with the kids, and walks around with a constant pained expression. The Mama tries, but she is the sole breadwinner, and she does not discipline the boys, either. Case in point, this past Thanksgiving, the boy spilled his soda all over MIL's new carpet (after being told repeatedly NOT to go in the living room with his drink). Mama and I scrambled around like mad mopping up, and the father never lifted a finger. I have no idea what goes on at their house, but I do know that at one point a couple years back, this boy RAN OVER his little brother with a Gator, and the little one required some extensive medical intervention. I don't even recall him being spanked or spoken to about that.
Christmas comes, and we all traipse to my MIL's mother's house. There, the kids all open several gifts each, and then the grown-ups play a game. Well, this year, the boy tramped 2 pieces of gum and an orange slice into the new carpet inside of 5 minutes. He then spilled yet another drink, ran wild, slamming into various adults, told his grandmother what they had gotten her for Christmas, and threw a fit over not getting to be the first to play with it. Meanwhile, father is ignoring him and treating me to a barrage of lame jokes about my wearing a shirt in favor of a different football team than the rest of the family. After picking up the boy for the umpteenth time, I jokingly asked if he would like to be buried up to his neck in an anthill. Compared to his mother threatening to throw him in the street with a "boot in his butt", it was all in fun, but father immediately pounced and told me that I did not need to have children. The night wore on, the present was opened, the boy tried to wrestle the controller away from whoever was playing and when he could not, he would lay in the floor so that they would have to step over him. During the adult game, he insisted that he was playing, and would write numbers on paper (we fdraw to determine order) and try to open the adult's gifts, despite being told not to.
My question is: Everyone was telling this child, get up, get out of the way, do not bother that, etc. Including me. The Mama was as well, but she would not do anything about him. So, DH decides he is ready to leave, and proceeds to berate me about my part in the whole affair, and say I should "be glad he rescued me before someone put me in my place.". That I should not say anything because, "I am not a member of that family". Then he punctuated it with , "Now you have BOTH sides of your family telling you you don't need children!" I informed him that not only did I not care what that particular man thought, but that, since I was not a member of the family, there was no way that I could have 2 sides telling me ANYTHING. I love logic. Out of all those people, I was the only one that, in his opinion, was not qualified to say anything.
If you see a child at a family gathering acting out and the parents do nothing, do you step in? Do you if others are? What do you do when you join in the seeming fun and it turns into a you-bash? I guess when I have 'em, I'll raise 'em the way I want, but I can not imagine letting my children do those things. Thanks for reading. It's been a bad day.
I don't have much advice for you, other than using a shotgun as the strangling alternative, but no self-respecting wolf pack would tolerate such ill-disciplined pups.
Just a thought, but tranquilizer darts may work. They're not permanent but will shut the evil devil spawn up for a while! :chuckle
Those kids don't need to be beat. They need attention from their father and they need discipline. I truly believe that those kids act the way they do so they can get attention from their father, which they haven't gotten, so they'll do anything negative as long as it gets them attention. My cousin's 2 year old son acts better than those kids. My other cousin's 4 year old son acts better than those kids and we think he has ADHD.
Beating a child and spanking a child is not the same thing and is an unfair and inaccurate comparison. One will land you in jail and your children in foster care and the other is up to the individual parent.
The problem with the children is that they appear to have never been disciplined. You can't start when they are teenagers, you have to start early and it's a lifelong process.
I just love it when all the parenting books says, "use a time out"...ok, fine, agree that it should work 100% of the time, on paper, in theory.
What the books don't bother to mention, is what happens when you put little Johnny in time out for hitting his sister (for example), he verbalizes understanding, he goes and apologizes for it. Two seconds later, he clocks her again. You separate them, you take away all his toys, his TV, everything under the sun and he still refuses to comply????
The books don't tell you how to fix that. Meanwhile, I have another child that is still getting hit and my job is to protect her.
If I tell little Johnny, who is in school and fully capable of understanding rules, that if he touches his sister one more time that he is getting a spanking, and even make it clear to him that it's HIS choice...to me, little Johnny has picked his own poison.
Funny how when little Johnny gets his butt busted, all of the sudden, he can miraculously find it within himself to leave his sister alone.
It works b/c time outs, taking away things he likes, etc...didn't have enough value to him....that is why it didn't work.
It's always best to stay out of issues regarding other peoples' kids. I have intervened some times but have always been nervous doing it and regretted it.
As a non-parent yet, you might not understand how overwhelming and exhausting it can be to raise kids, although I think the boy you describe would do well with a few well-placed swats on his little fanny. I have found that 1 spank is worth a million words. NOt saying to start off with it; nothing wrong with trying words, redirection, and distraction. But if these aren't working, move on to standing in the corner, time outs, and the ultimate - spanking or a thwack on the hand or something else physical and moderately painful that gets the message across that you mean business - but not on someone else's child.
Something to remember - it's not your carpet so don't worry about it. It's not your kid, so not your responsibility. It's only twice a year, so endure. Don't go if it's too painful, though. No law says you have to be with them. If you do go, take some games for the boy and spend time playing with him. Build a relationship with him. Take him outside for some running around time so he can burn up some energy. Boys need that so much. The exhausted and perhaps clueless parents might appreciate being relieved of him for an hour or so. Maybe you can build a relationship with the parents throughout the year and eventually be able to talk this thing over?
Don't write anything to anyone. You can't take back stuff you write and it will likely come back to bite you. They don't comprehend the verbal, they will not comprehend the written but I guarantee it will be used against you somehow.
Just don't go. The less said, the better. So stop trying to discuss it with your husband. Just quietly do what you need to do. Everyone has their own demons. Your husband and his family aren't going to be able to see it your way, nor you his or theirs.
You poor woman - it is unfortunate that the children are allowed to act in this manner - and even more unfortunate considering how this will affect them later on.
Do you step in? Well I wouldn't physically punish another person's child, but really the child isn't the complete problem, it's the authority figures in the house that allow them to act in such a manner.
Don't be afraid to discipline the hubby as well :)
My family is funny about disciplining other family members children. Thankfully, it's just my two plus my niece and nephew. Now that they're older, we can talk and they change their behavior. In the younger days, I would redirect and that worked well. I also spent time with them apart from family gatherings. They sleep over a couple of weeks in the summer. This let us develop a relationship apart from the couple of times a year when everything was crazy. Grandma, however always ruled the roost so to speak.
Sounds like the sort of family that should be barred from restaurants.
I wouldn't make any more comments about their behaviour in the future, nor would I offer any assistance when the brat spills stuff on the carpet, falls over etc. The parents should be the one to clean their children's mess.
.thumb.jpg.421493329dd1f136a4222fe8e9399213.jpg){kind=small}
GadgetRN71, ASN, RN
1,841 Posts