Alternatives to Strangling

[AngelfireRN, MSN, RN, APRN]

This is a spawn of the spanking alternative thread. I'm curious about what my buddies here would do in an on-going situation that involves my distant in-laws.

First and foremost, let me say, I have no children. I am a new-grad NP, and I am completing my FNP certification. I'll be done in August. I currently am awaiting licensure as an ACNP. I wanted to wait till school was over till I had any rugrats. That does not mean that I have not had a hand in raising a few (my cousins) and also does not mean that I do not know a discipline problem when I see it.

Anyone who's read my threads knows how I feel about my MIL (bipolar and unmedicated), and they also know about my DH (a bit of a sexist with a part-time God complex, but I love him dearly). Since this is his family, I truly try and stay out of it. However, as these boys get older, and the discipline does not come, I can see the handwriting on the wall.

The youngest is not so bad, he's a sweetie, but the eldest has been a hellion from the word go. The father will not work, will not help with the kids, and walks around with a constant pained expression. The Mama tries, but she is the sole breadwinner, and she does not discipline the boys, either. Case in point, this past Thanksgiving, the boy spilled his soda all over MIL's new carpet (after being told repeatedly NOT to go in the living room with his drink). Mama and I scrambled around like mad mopping up, and the father never lifted a finger. I have no idea what goes on at their house, but I do know that at one point a couple years back, this boy RAN OVER his little brother with a Gator, and the little one required some extensive medical intervention. I don't even recall him being spanked or spoken to about that.

Christmas comes, and we all traipse to my MIL's mother's house. There, the kids all open several gifts each, and then the grown-ups play a game. Well, this year, the boy tramped 2 pieces of gum and an orange slice into the new carpet inside of 5 minutes. He then spilled yet another drink, ran wild, slamming into various adults, told his grandmother what they had gotten her for Christmas, and threw a fit over not getting to be the first to play with it. Meanwhile, father is ignoring him and treating me to a barrage of lame jokes about my wearing a shirt in favor of a different football team than the rest of the family. After picking up the boy for the umpteenth time, I jokingly asked if he would like to be buried up to his neck in an anthill. Compared to his mother threatening to throw him in the street with a "boot in his butt", it was all in fun, but father immediately pounced and told me that I did not need to have children. The night wore on, the present was opened, the boy tried to wrestle the controller away from whoever was playing and when he could not, he would lay in the floor so that they would have to step over him. During the adult game, he insisted that he was playing, and would write numbers on paper (we fdraw to determine order) and try to open the adult's gifts, despite being told not to.

My question is: Everyone was telling this child, get up, get out of the way, do not bother that, etc. Including me. The Mama was as well, but she would not do anything about him. So, DH decides he is ready to leave, and proceeds to berate me about my part in the whole affair, and say I should "be glad he rescued me before someone put me in my place.". That I should not say anything because, "I am not a member of that family". Then he punctuated it with , "Now you have BOTH sides of your family telling you you don't need children!" I informed him that not only did I not care what that particular man thought, but that, since I was not a member of the family, there was no way that I could have 2 sides telling me ANYTHING. I love logic. Out of all those people, I was the only one that, in his opinion, was not qualified to say anything.

If you see a child at a family gathering acting out and the parents do nothing, do you step in? Do you if others are? What do you do when you join in the seeming fun and it turns into a you-bash? I guess when I have 'em, I'll raise 'em the way I want, but I can not imagine letting my children do those things. Thanks for reading. It's been a bad day.

[tencat]

This is your hubby's family? You were a lot nicer than I would have been. He needs a kick in the patootie and a remark that appartently he shouldn't have kids, either, since he can't or won't control them.

My kid was being a turkey at a gathering today (5 year old) and the other adults there firmly chastized her. I was in another room playing a game, but heard the conversation. I went to check it out and supported the other adults and told her she'd better listen and straighten up NOW. Personally, I think it takes a whole village to raise kiddos, so if mine IS being a pain and I don't catch it, I will support whoever does catch it. So, yeah, I guess I poke in my nose too and discipline kids, sometimes in public with kids I don't know. I wouldn't haul off and slug a kid or touch a kid I don't know, but I have yelled at a few and used my 'do it or die' face a time or two. I don't think you were out of line at all.

[tencat]

Ok, re-read your post. Your HUSBAND said you were lucky he 'rescued' you???? You have just stepped into a really codependent, sick family situation that he's a product of. Your HUSBAND said you shouldn't have children???? Oh, honey, I'd be MORE than irked....HE needs a kick in the privates and a lesson on supporting his wife, not his crazy family. I think maybe you two need to rethink how and where you spend your holidays......asking you to spend time in that environment is really unfair. At the very least he should earn a night or two on the couch over that.....

[AngelfireRN, MSN, RN, APRN]

Thank you so much. I would have said exactly what you did, but I was trying so hard to be nice. I really do not care for these people at all, and was just trying to blow it off. I'd never have spanked the child, I draw the line at that, but letting him run wild is not an option in my opinion. DH asked me how i'd like it if his brother said something to our children. I replied that I'd be fine with it if they needed it, but that I intended to raise my kids not to act like they were raised by wolves. He hates it when I fight back with logic. He hates it even worse when I can make my point that way. Especially whenit's something he has just said. He thinks he has to act all big and bad for his near and dear, and it don't fly with me, never has, no I don't go along with it.

Again, thank you. I am so glad I am not alone in my way of thinking.

[AngelfireRN, MSN, RN, APRN]

No, no, DH did not say that about the having children, his cousin by marriage did. And yes, his family is sick and twisted, and they live over 100 miles away and I only see them twice a year.

DH did say the part about rescuing me. I don't need rescuing, because I could care less what they think of me. I would not go, but then Lord only knows what would get said, and I know who'd be the topic of conversation. Yours truly. The whole family is nutso. I am female, a professional, I have an opinion and a voice, and I use both. So, naturally, they think something's wrong with me.

It pays to have an independent streak a mile wide.

[Straydandelion]

This may not be a popular opinion, but I would have said nothing as far as the children since only

seeing them so little. However if someone would have mentioned to me about MY ideas of child

rearing...would definitely of let them have my thoughts on theirs. As far as hubby, that would

concern me most. WHAT exactly IS his idea of discipline and raising a child....will he ALSO be one

to sit back and do nothing? Maybe having a good discussion on certain things the children did and

see how far apart your ideas are... possibly even counceling if a problem. If he can't see the problem

with those children in other words, I would be worried.

(sorry for the alignment of the post but I can't see the right of the screen when typing so have to press enter in order to see my type)

[Spiderella]

Ugh...rotten anklebiters irritate me to no end. My husband's sister is like that with her kids, and one of them is like a reincarnate spawn of Dennis the Menace. He kicks adults, has no sense of authority, throws a tantrum when he doesn't get his way and just runs all over the place screaming and tearing stuff up. He came to my house and ripped my beaded curtain off the wall...the mom's response was a weak apology. I told my hubby that that kid is NOT allowed in the house EVER again. Sorry, I don't do spoiled kids. In my culture, you had every right, and if it was my country, he would have been smacked upside the head right there in front of everyone. He needs discipline, and if the parents can't do it, then they shouldn't take him out in public. I know I might get flamed for this, but why does everyone else have to suffer because you didn't raise your child properly?

[AngelfireRN, MSN, RN, APRN]

Dandelion,

Hubby and I are on the same page with respect to child-rearing, he says the kid needs beating, Lord knows he does. His issue was with the fact that I was chiming in along with everyone else in the hit parade of the "Don't do that" mambo.

Oh, and HAD I told that father what I thought....well, let's just say I'd never see another Christmas in that house again. I have to rein in my tongue sometimes for the benefit of all concerned. There would have been some not-kid-friendly language used, I can assure you.

[AngelfireRN, MSN, RN, APRN]

No flames here, Spider, I'm with you all the way! If I had acted the way that child does, well, I wouldn't have, but had I, I would not have been able to sit for a month.

[rngolfer53]

Thank you so much. I would have said exactly what you did, but I was trying so hard to be nice. I really do not care for these people at all, and was just trying to blow it off. I'd never have spanked the child, I draw the line at that, but letting him run wild is not an option in my opinion. DH asked me how i'd like it if his brother said something to our children. I replied that I'd be fine with it if they needed it, but that I intended to raise my kids not to act like they were raised by wolves. He hates it when I fight back with logic. He hates it even worse when I can make my point that way. Especially whenit's something he has just said. He thinks he has to act all big and bad for his near and dear, and it don't fly with me, never has, no I don't go along with it. (emphasis added)

Again, thank you. I am so glad I am not alone in my way of thinking.

I don't have much advice for you, other than using a shotgun as the strangling alternative, but no self-respecting wolf pack would tolerate such ill-disciplined pups.

[soulofme]

I don't know why the movie "Deliverance" pops into my head when I read the post... bango player... but I sure as hell would send a copy to them...and plan my next holidays going on a trip with MY family....I sent a Christmas card to a friend that went something like.. don't worry about the things that you didn't get at Christmas..be happy with what you have... some people won't be able to be with their families for the holidays... those LUCKY ********!

[Virgo_RN, BSN, RN]

I wish I could contribute something helpful here, but the only thing that comes to mind is, it just doesn't seem to be worth the price of admission to subject yourself to these people. Let them say what they will.