During my internship, a page came overhead - code blue, ED, 2 minutes. My preceptor said, "you want in?" Well, yeah, of course I did. I'm realizing more and more I'm a trauma, critical care junkie. So I went down.
This frail, elderly woman was there on the table, clothes cut off her, just still. She could have been sleeping. The nurses were working on resuscitative efforts. The MD said stop. She was gone.
And as the group began quietly fixing her body for her husband to be with her, I held her still warm head, perfectly made hair, in my hands. A nurse came crashing in the door shouting in her "call to action" voice, "do you need blood???"
I couldn't help it. I had to giggle. They told her no, and she left. It was quiet and dark in the room. It had felt so full and busy when the woman first arrived, but now it was quiet, still, in peace.
I haven't seen any death in my tenure on this giant ball of rock. I've only been in the room with one deceased person before this. This woman will stay with me as my "first".
Do any of you have a first death experience that stays with you?
My first was in LTC and another nurse was doing compressions while I was doing mask to mouth breathing. I was 8 months pregnant and I still remember 23 years later the tears flowing down my cheeks as my daughter was kicking me while we were trying to revive this elderly lady.
Something about life and death at the same time has never left me.
Pt had no quality of life, very deconditioned, and stated himself that he wanted to go and wanted nothing done for him. His family however wanted everything possible done for him, despite his wishes.
Did my morning assessment, his condition was unchanged (he had been on our unit for awhile). He was talking to me and everything (really grumpy guy, I don't blame him).
I went on my break and came back, took a peek at him and he looked OK, he was moving. About 20 minutes later the attending was doing his rounds and came out to get me. He asked what the code status was on the patient to which I told him full code (since the family wanted everything done). He slowly pivots towards the ward clerk and calmly says "Can you call a code on room _ please?" And slowly strolls back to the room (he knew the patients wishes, and it was evident that the pt had passed when the doc found him). So we start compressions, a full code is called, 30 people run into the room etc etc. Slowest code ever. The pt was already gone before we even began. I felt bad that we had to go through all that on him to please the family, but I was happy for him that he got his wish.
It shocked me because I was afraid that his passing was caused by something I did, or didn't do...or a change in condition that I missed etc. Bothered me for days. Now I'm just happy that he's at peace.
I don't remember my first death but I do remember when I was CNA'ing one time a nurse asked me to help in a room without giving specifics and I introduced myself to the patient before I realized they had passed. Wished they had told me.
I also remember doing vitals on someone as a CNA and having them tell me I was one of the "cute" nurses. They passed completely unexpectedly a couple hours later. The RN was panicking thinking she had given the wrong med & I stayed with her & helped her calm down. I won't forget that night.
Seeing? 9 years old when's mom died of a heart attack while sitting in a chair with me.
Causing a death? My first was in my early 20's while in the military working as an military advisor on El Salvador training Death Squads. Late 1980's till early 90's on Kuwait. Grand total deaths caused there would be thousands as a forward combat controller.
A nun who collapsed during service vomiting up blood upon arrival to ED she didn't make it...shook up plenty of us for a while.
I remember "practicing" chest compressions on a stool on a obese pt that was dead already...it was more of a "rite of passage" to get familiar with codes.
Both these experiences were at the ripe age of 20 working as a tech...even though I feel as though I have a good coping mechanism in terms of death, I remember when a cohort and I during my BSN program shadowing in the ED and had to make a run with the rapid response team; we held hands when a man who was being coded and his wife watching; I think we were stunned by the whole experience...don't think that one will be going away soon.
I remember "practicing" chest compressions on a stool on a obese pt that was dead already...it was more of a "rite of passage" to get familiar with codes.
One of my rotations, they allowed students to practice compressions on a person they thought was gone. The students managed to bring him back and he spent 2 days in the icu before finally dying. When they brought him up to the unit, the doctor actually apologized to the nurse who got him. ?
Specializes in OR, Nursing Professional Development.
First starting in the OR, I expected death to be something of a rarity. After all, surgery was supposed to fix people. Naive? Pretty much. I've since learned better.
My very first night on call by myself, I got called in for a trauma- tractor trailer vs. family car. Dad was the first to come to surgery. Aorta was transected; he didn't make it. Mom came in next. She was sedated/vented, splenectomy and bowel repair. The first thought in my mind was what she was going to be waking up to- the news that her husband and father of her children was gone. I went home and cried that night, after struggling to hold it together while doing what we could to make him presentable (coroner's case, so all of the tubes and whatnot had to stay in place) for other family members to view.
My most recent was just last night- ruptured AAA. Older guy, we spent forever working on him, trying to do everything we could so that the family would have a chance to say goodbye before he passed. Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way. At least for this family, we were able to remove all of the tubes so that he looked somewhat normal.
I saw too many zombie movies. I swear I saw the body move on several occasions. Taking on the PICC line, I swear the arm was pulling back on me. I swear the legs flinched when we removed the fem line. When we pulled the chest tubes I know I heard a breath. Ah to be a student again
My first CPR ending in death was on one of my favorite patients...an orphaned schizophrenic elderly woman who though drove me mad with her yelling and carrying on could be lovely and charming. She had no family, grown up in group homes or orphanages or psych facilities and landed in my facility. We made progress on her outbursts and anxiety. She would call me "blonde". It was shift change from 11-7 to 7-3. I had been on night shift, she had been responsive an hour before. One of my aides got me and said "I think you should come here and see the pt". Went in, no respirations, no pulse. Grabbed the chart, full code. Called a code and started compressions. She was a bigger lady but I just felt the cracking of her ribs under me. I will never forget this sound. She was revived shortly when the paramedics got there. She was dead on arrival to the hospital.
My first death that I witnessed was another one of my elderly females. She was going down fast. Roxanol q1 straight, Ativan suppositories. I checked on her frequently and noticed very labored breathing with periods of apnea. Watched her for a minute, no respirations. Got my stethoscope and listened to a faint apical. Called another nurse, as this nurse came in she took her last gasp. No apical after. Pronounced and then cleaned her up. Took extra care to put on her makeup and do her blush and eyebrows how she preferred. That also sticks with me.
Specializes in Critical Care, Med-Surg, Psych, Geri, LTC, Tele,.
I'm thankful for the way I experienced my first "expired" resident. She was a resident at our clinicals site as well as was related to a classmate.
She was sent to the hospital after a broken hip. We went to visit her and she passed before we made it to her.
I had the opportunity to hold her hand and weep. I cried even though I knew she'd lived a good life, active and ambulatory until the end.
The nurse that comforted me as I cried in the hallway...I hope I never forget her. To me she was the epitome of the kind if nurse I want to be. I wasn't her patient. I don't know if the lady who passed was her patient. But she gave me words of wisdom.
I'm thankful for the way I experienced my first "expired" resident. She was a resident at our clinicals site as well as was related to a classmate.
She was sent to the hospital after a broken hip. We went to visit her and she passed before we made it to her.
I had the opportunity to hold her hand and weep. I cried even though I knew she'd lived a good life, active and ambulatory until the end.
The nurse that comforted me as I cried in the hallway...I hope I never forget her. To me she was the epitome of the kind if nurse I want to be. I wasn't her patient. I don't know if the lady who passed was her patient. But she gave me words of wisdom.
I had a fellow student being precepted by a now-deceased relative's nurse the night she passed. It's weird but I actually sort of avoided him for a little while after that night because it felt like seeing him again would be awkward. ? It was my own first experience with death personally (as opposed to professionally). I wasn't there when she passed, but I was there in the hours leading up to it and he and I did talk for a bit. This was his first semester, mid-way through. It was very clear to everyone that my loved one would be dying. (She was only being kept alive for the sake of the family arriving that evening.) Now, with being some time later, I feel bad we didn't have some sort of "debriefing" afterward. He is ex-military, though, so perhaps that wasn't his first experience.
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cardiacfreak, ADN
742 Posts
My first was in LTC and another nurse was doing compressions while I was doing mask to mouth breathing. I was 8 months pregnant and I still remember 23 years later the tears flowing down my cheeks as my daughter was kicking me while we were trying to revive this elderly lady.
Something about life and death at the same time has never left me.