During my internship, a page came overhead - code blue, ED, 2 minutes. My preceptor said, "you want in?" Well, yeah, of course I did. I'm realizing more and more I'm a trauma, critical care junkie. So I went down.
This frail, elderly woman was there on the table, clothes cut off her, just still. She could have been sleeping. The nurses were working on resuscitative efforts. The MD said stop. She was gone.
And as the group began quietly fixing her body for her husband to be with her, I held her still warm head, perfectly made hair, in my hands. A nurse came crashing in the door shouting in her "call to action" voice, "do you need blood???"
I couldn't help it. I had to giggle. They told her no, and she left. It was quiet and dark in the room. It had felt so full and busy when the woman first arrived, but now it was quiet, still, in peace.
I haven't seen any death in my tenure on this giant ball of rock. I've only been in the room with one deceased person before this. This woman will stay with me as my "first".
Do any of you have a first death experience that stays with you?
Not my first but the one that has stuck w/ me the most. A baby born full term, 8lbs. He was born via emergency c-section after a poor biophysical profile. Mom had gestational diabetes but otherwise uncomplicated pregnancy. I worked on the Med/Surge unit but we were very slow so I went over to L&D to see if I could help in any way. I recorded the code and acted as runner. (He was stillborn but was able to be resuscitated) This was in an overseas military hospital so we had no NICU. A team had to come from Germany to pick up the baby and bring him to a higher level if care. We didn't have a vent so the pediatricians and nurses took turns bagging him the whole time. Luckily all of our nurses (even Med/Surge) were certified in NRC. At one point he was breathing on his own. When I left that night, I was so happy b/c I was hopeful he would make it. When I came in the next day the mom's name was on the Med/Surge assignment board. I was so confused until they told me that the baby died while they were trying to get him ready for transport. It was terrible. I was so in love with that little boy. I couldn't even fathom the mother's grief. The L&D nurses took care of her but I did stop in to offer my condolences and let her know how beautiful her boy was. His fighting spirit really touched me. I will ever forget him.
My first experiences with death were very peaceful.
I was eighteen and working as a CNA in a nursing home. One of our residents was on hospice and we were told she was showing signs of impending death. I had cared for this resident many times and although she was nonverbal and long gone with Alzheimer's disease, I had developed an attachment to her. My partner and I entered her room to change her roommate. When we peaked into the residents bed she was breathing loudly. After we finished my partner and I remarked that we no longer heard her breath. We looked for over a minute, no respirations. No pulse. We alerted the nurse, who clarified she had passed. While the nurse made the proper notifications we bathed and dressed this resident carefully and tenderly. I was touched by the way my partner wept silently.
All of my nursing home death were peaceful and expected.
My first hospital death was as a student. The RN and I gave an elderly patient a bed bath. He was very sweet and frail. We had asked the family to step out during the bath. After we finished we noticed he was not breathing. Alarmed, the RN called a code. His patient was a chemical code only. I watched as the code team arrived and eventually pronounced him. That's when I learned what a chemical code was, and why it was done. Even though it was not expected I still felt peaceful about his death. We did not crack his ribs performing CPR, he had been able to make his wishes known and have them carried out.
My first traumatic death was not my patient. I was on orientation when they called a code on my unit. The patient was young (40's) and was coded for over 30 minutes. Before they pronounced her, I was allowed to do compressions. I remember hardly being able to reach (I'm short) and feeling her chest like jelly because her ribs had all been broken. We did postmortem care and her family was notified. It was horrible and really stuck with me. When I watched her chest flail with compressions, her nakedness, I just kept picturing my mother, it really upset me. It's the only death in which CPR was done that I have witnessed. Horrible.
I wanted to come back to this thread and update. Since I'm orienting to a critical care unit, they love to send me in for codes. I've only had a few, but it's amazing how that profound feeling of the first seems to not be present for the rest. In my brain and heart, it's just a given that when EMS brings them in still asystole, they're not coming back. So far they've all been elderly, with so many health things going on that it's just their time. I haven't had any young ones yet. I haven't had any come back yet, either. All have been brought in by EMS. Clean, expected, no surprises. So, easy, I guess? I snap off my gloves, I go back to rejoin my day. Weird how fast the profoundness of it fades. Maybe sad? I don't know.
Anyway, a guy that I went to school with and who graduates a semester after I did responded to the code as well. He's an UAP on my unit right now. We responded to a code today, and we switched off doing compressions. It was his first, and it made me feel reflective of how I felt when I posted this, vs. how it feels now. Honestly, I'm glad I feel like it's just part of the day. I know that sounds cold, but being on a critical care unit, I guess I've just distanced myself, which feels necessary. My first will stick with me always, I think. But the rest haven't. And I'm glad.
A lot of the nurses on my unit have been looking for other specialties to transfer into. I heard one of them talking about how it's just hard to see so much dying. Here I am on week three at my facility, only 3 shifts in on the floor. I hope I can keep that distance. I'm not sure how it will feel to lose a patient. I wont know until it happens, of course, but I am so glad to be able to go down to these codes where the patient is anonymous to me and I can just snap off my gloves go back to my day. It helps me practice not hesitating. I imagine emotions make it harder to snap into autopilot when it is needed most.
I thank you all who have shared here. Your candidness helps me process this and prepare for what is likely to happen one day.
My first death was a baby. L&D nurse. Baby died inside. So sad. Parents were trying and trying and finally got pregnant and the baby died inside in the days leading up to due date. They were aware babe had some abnormality the entire pregnancy, but was operable at birth. Mother had to give birth to the dead baby. Push and all, like a normal birth. Can you imagine how hard that is? I remember doing postmortem care on this baby boy. I will never ever forget his little face. I couldn't bear going in the room with the parents. I couldn't pull myself together. I kept crying.
As a side note I'd like to add that I understand how you feel about separating yourself from situations because I had another still birth, under different circumstances. Mother was on a bunch of different drugs, crack, etc. I felt the baby was better off. God forgive me for saying that. Postmortem care on this baby was not hard. Talking to the mom was not hard. I was not upset at all.
In L&D, you spend a lot of time with your patients. Depending on how long it takes them to deliver. You get to know them and their family. It's different than the ER or the OR, when you don't know the person or get to talk to them and care for them when they are well (as most laboring moms are)
But long story short....that was my first experience with death. I will always remember that little angels face
I don't remember the first death I saw as a CNA, but I remember the first I had as a nursing student. It was during my precepting hours. It was a woman who seemed to have nine lives. She had been coded and on a vent several times before and always bounced back. One day, she was not acting right, sent her out, turns out she had a heart attack. Got her back on comfort measures. Her daughter worked there and stayed with her through the night. During the shift, the daughter came and told us "mom was gone". I will never forget cleaning her up while the daughter made phone calls. It was almost the anniversary of my mothers death. Hearing her on the phone telling a family member who was hard of hearing very loudly that "Momma's dead", broke my heart. I finished what I had to go with tears in my eyes. I went home and cried my eyes out for her. I will never forget that lady.
The only death I have physically witnessed (not just seen after at a funeral) was my dad. I'm just finishing up my LNA class now, but this is a year ago. Obviously I don't have professional experience with death since I'm not an LNA yet. He was 83 (I was adopted late in life, and he was not a healthy 83). He was a DNR and I was his POA. When the ER doc called me asking me about my dads DNR I rushed down there (took about half an hour) with my mom even though they had gotten divorced when I was 2 (22 years ago). We got on the room and he was on oxygen (no vent) and unresponsive, but the nurse explained that they were just keeping him on it so that we had time to get there to say goodbye. It was very sweet of them. Mom and I each held a hand and talked to him saying our goodbyes for about 15 minutes. Then I got the nurse and requested that he'd be taken off of oxygen. He passed within 30 minutes. I felt his pulse the entire time I was holding his hand and got the nurse when I could no longer feel it. She called the dr who pronounced him. We stayed with him for a little while after. He wanted to donate his body to science but he had too many health issues so I asked if there was anyway for his death to be of use. I found out that some medical students study cadavers and work in the morgue so even though there was obviously no foul play I consented to an autopsy so they could learn. No one could ever tell us a definitive cause of death (even the autopsy report said it was labeling it as an acute MCI, but only because there was no other answers). I didn't have a great relationship with my dad, in fact he had been pretty much out of my life for 8 years until I found out he was in a hospital in Florida and moved him up to New England with me so he could have a relationship with his only kid willing to talk to him. He lived near me for a year in independent living before breaking his hip and going into assisted living. I was able to contact his ex wife and other kids and she and two of them (they're in their 40s) came up to see him and get closure...and to ask me if he had any money he was leaving them. They also insisted on trying to bring a priest which my dad made clear multiple times he did not want. I told them if they drove all the way from NYC and showed up with a priest they wouldn't be allowed in the building (they kept saying they didn't care what my dad wanted, they wanted it). I still haven't really mourned... Like I said, we weren't close. It hits me sometimes even though it's been a year I think "oh I should stop by and see dad" or "oh I need to take dad grocery shopping". The weirdest part for me is that the ltc he was in that sent him to the ER is where I am now taking my LNA class... I have to go in his old room all the time. It's a little unsettling, but bearable. Wow didn't mean for this to be so long!
Oh I forgot to mention... 3 days before he died he told us he was afraid to die. He was recovering fine and it seemed kinda out of the blue, but maybe he sensed it...
Specializes in Geriatrics, OBGyn, Clinical Nursing.
I was working as a tech on the cardiac floor while attending nursing school and there was a little old lady that passed away on our shift. It wasn't the post mortem care or even the actual watching her pass that got to me. For my first, I believe I handled that pretty well. It was when we had to take her in the elevator...take her to the 1st floor... and put her in the freezer/morgue. That was the craziest feeling!! I dreamt about her being in that cold drawer all night! Was a little creepy to say the least!!
I work in LTC with the elderly, so obviously death is common. In my own experiences, with both people and animals, I have never found it to be a peaceful process. The only peaceful part is when it is finally over. Luckily, the majority of the deaths happen on 11-7 shift, so I don't have many to deal with.
My first death happened while I was a very new nurse. I had just started at the facility about 2 months prior and had been working overnights. Two days before he died, he was extremely SOB, sats fairly low even with oxygen. I told my DON who didn't even give it much of a glance. I was off the next day and then came in the following night. I was on the opposite side of the floor working a different unit that night. About 3 in the morning, the nurse on that floor came over, looked at me and goes I think so and so is dead. I say you THINK? And go running to his room. His wife is just sitting on her bed staring and crying saying she thinks he's gone. I check for a pulse, breathing, ect and nothing. So I'm semi in panic mode. I know that I have to do CPR but I had never done it outside of on a manakin. I go to tell the other girl to call 911 and she just throws her hands up and says "I can't do this, I can't." And walks out on me. I try to do CPR while calling 911 on my cell phone and trying to get his wife out of the room because she's just screaming saying she wants to stay. Finally another nurse arrives and I ask her to take over because I'm exhausted. She does like two compressions and goes "he's dead. He's gone. I'm not continuing." So I just sit there and hold his wife while she cries in my arms and I'm trying so hard not to break down and cry myself. Finally after he's pronounced dead and was sent to the funeral home and I was finishing paperwork with my boss, I just broke down and cried for a good 5-10 minutes while my boss held me. That's something I will never forget as long as I live.
My first experience with death was a pt who was going down real fast. She died 2 hours into my shift (I was pulling her meds), and when the family member called to say they thought she passed (this wasn't her first death -- she was present when her father died some years ago, and she needed to tend to another family member who was also on her way down), I remember thinking, "...huh, I guess she doesn't need these."
I remember feeling pretty lost and confused because I didn't know what to do. I asked one of my coworkers to come with me, and she said, "Doh, I don't know what you want me to do because there isn't a whole lot to do." Lab called, same coworker answered, and said, "Uh, she just passed, but if you want the lab, I guess you can go and stick her?" She was kidding. I checked on EPIC, one of the doctors who was consulted put in a bunch of orders. Had to page him that she was gone (he wasn't happy when I called), but then said, "Oh. Well thanks for telling me."
What I most definitely won't forget was post-mortem care. I was totally ready to clean the body right after the family member left, but there were a bunch of things that kept me from doing so. I called the shift supervisor who said because she was here less than 24 hours, we had to wait for the coroner to release the body, and I had to call the university because she was a donor. They asked about cause of death, and the intern didn't put one. I told the lady on the phone, "....uh...well here's her problem list!" I still had to call the organ donation people who I knew were going to say she isn't an organ donor candidate. It was 4-6 hours after she died before I could actually get to her, and I wanted to hurry up and do it. At this point, I couldn't pretend she was still kind of alive, one eye kept opening, and I was wondering if she was going pass all that gas when we turned her or if she was going to moan.
Oh, and there's what the family member said I thought was comical (I didn't laugh when she said this -- I remember thinking, "um...I don't have an answer....?"). In between tears and crying, she said, "...why does it take so long for people to die? I mean, I just don't want her be alone when she goes, but her sister is dying too." I thought (but didn't say), "...what a horrible and crappy situation."
I realized I can keep myself distant from these types of situations, but I haven't had a patient with whom I bonded and died. I don't think my reaction here would be the same. I know for sure I couldn't do hospice.
annie.rn
546 Posts
Not my first but the one that has stuck w/ me the most. A baby born full term, 8lbs. He was born via emergency c-section after a poor biophysical profile. Mom had gestational diabetes but otherwise uncomplicated pregnancy. I worked on the Med/Surge unit but we were very slow so I went over to L&D to see if I could help in any way. I recorded the code and acted as runner. (He was stillborn but was able to be resuscitated) This was in an overseas military hospital so we had no NICU. A team had to come from Germany to pick up the baby and bring him to a higher level if care. We didn't have a vent so the pediatricians and nurses took turns bagging him the whole time. Luckily all of our nurses (even Med/Surge) were certified in NRC. At one point he was breathing on his own. When I left that night, I was so happy b/c I was hopeful he would make it. When I came in the next day the mom's name was on the Med/Surge assignment board. I was so confused until they told me that the baby died while they were trying to get him ready for transport. It was terrible. I was so in love with that little boy. I couldn't even fathom the mother's grief. The L&D nurses took care of her but I did stop in to offer my condolences and let her know how beautiful her boy was. His fighting spirit really touched me. I will ever forget him.