We're not leaving until Mama's in a home

It didn't matter to this woman that her mom was discharged. She was done with being a caretaker. I just hoped to get through before this became another drop and run of an elderly person. Nurses Announcements Archive Article

The phone in my pocket rings. I have been an ADN for all of three days now. I am still orienting, though my preceptor scheduled to teach a class while I covered the house. Her presumption of faith in me is both inspiring and terrifying. The er is calling. They have a patient that has been discharged, but the daughter is refusing to take the patient home, claming she cannot care for her mother.

My stomach knots at the prospect of confrontation. I do not feel ready for this. This was just supposed to be a summer job as a staff nurse in between sessions of my regular job as a school nurse. They offered me a hefty paycheck and the role of adn; nothing more, nothing less. This was what I had gotten myself into.

I calm myself and remind my already jarred nerves that I deal with difficult people and family members all year long at school. But there it's different. There I know the rules off the top of my head.

I walk past my preceptor classroom and hear her giving a brief lecture on central line dressing changes. I decide I better fully assess the situation before I call her out. It seems like she's on a tear anyhow about the order of betadine and alcohol.

The er is hopping. They could certainly use the space the now discharged woman is occupying. I slide up the counter to get the story from the nurse caring for the patient.

"Mrs. Taylor was brought in by squad earlier this morning. Daughter said she couldn't walk. Doc ran all sorts of tests - nothing physically wrong. Patient can walk too, just is a bit unsteady." I nod and jot a few notes on my worksheet.

"I just think the daughter's had it. I need you to tell them they have to leave." the nurse rattles off the info without ever looking up at me. It seems she's had it, too.

I glance through the chart and head in to the stretcher slot. The patient is a frail woman with a pleasant smile; the daughter is well dressed and has permanent frown lines etched into her skin. I explain that the patient has been discharged and the hospital has no reason to admit the patient and that they need to make arrangements to get home.

"I can't care for her, she has to stay." the daughter gives as her defense. "I brought her here cause I can't take care of her."

I look over the patient. She rolls her eyes in her daughter's direction. It's obvious she is even less comfortable with this confrontation than I am.

"You guys can do whatever you want - admit her, send her to a home. I can't care for her." the daughter repeats and flips her cell phone open to send a text.

I explain that the doctor sees no reason to admit and that I cannot just send her to a nursing home. Especially at seven o'clock on a Friday night. I gently offer to arrange for transport to bring the patient home via ambulance. This is quickly vetoed as the daughter states she can't get her to the bathroom by herself. As I debate offering to send home a bedpan along with transport, the daughter threatens to "shove her in the car" and "leave her there all night" with a promise to return first thing in the morning to the er to start the process over. I advise them both in no uncertain terms that a call to aps would be made should that be the case. I quietly wonder what she would have done to toilet her mom if she kept her in the car all night. My stomach knots again. Perhaps it's time to call out my preceptor, or at least go and hide in the morgue and cry for a moment.

I take a deep breath and offer to call the after hours social worker to see if she had any suggestions. The daughter agrees, though I am worried she will just leave the er and leave her mother behind. I get in touch with the social worker who agrees that the patient does not sound appropriate for admission. "i suppose," the social worker sighs, "if the daughter just leaves her here we can admit for observation. Medicare probably won't cover it, though." she warns.

Meanwhile, I have a surgeon that needs to book an or add on for the morning, three nursing units have a laundry list of items they need from central supply and I still have to think about staffing for the night shift. Taking a quick cry break sounds better and better. I shrug that off and instead opt for a quick scream inside my empty elevator car.

I fill out the booking for the or add on, dash down to central and find all the items with impressive speed and stop by the office and make a few last minute changes to the nursing assistant float pool assignments. After swallowing half of my coffee, I am ready to return to the daughter of the year in the er. I am still half expecting her to have left the patient high and dry. To my surprise, she is still there, frown lines visible from across the room.

We hash out the details of the case again. I explain to her that we can attempt an observational admission, but that it would likely not be covered by insurance. This calms the daughter down, but she it still not satisfied. A rapid response is called overhead. I explain to the woman I would return after I responded to the emergency and we could decide what they wanted to do then.

I meet my preceptor en route. "how is your night going?" she smiles, reading the stress on my face. I fill her in as we approach our emergency.

When the patient was stabilized, I made my way back to the er, expecting to now have to find a room for this unnecessary patient. Without checking in at the nurses station, I round the corner and find the stretcher empty and the patient's gown tossed onto the floor.

"What happened to mrs. Taylor?" I ask as I return to the nurses station.

"Daughter didn't say a word, walked her out about fifteen minutes ago."

I shook my head and walked away. I am angered by the attitude that one could drop their mother off at the hospital as cavalier as dropping a stray dog off at a pound. Mrs. Taylor had apparently avoided the nursing home for another day, though I imagined this would not be the end of this. I haven't seen them since, nor have I had a similar situation since, but I am positive it will not be the last attempted elder drop I see.

Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
ruby,

you've been through so very much.

i wish i were close enough to give you a hug.

i haven't been through anything compared to you! hugs all around!

In the hospital that I work in, we would have to admit the patient. She would stay until we could find placement. We are not allowed to turn anyone away for any reason. I believe this is a Joint Commission regulation.

Sundowns? What is that please?

Specializes in Case mgmt., rehab, (CRRN), LTC & psych.
Sundowns? What is that please?

http://sundownerfacts.com/sundowners-syndrome

Sundowner's Syndrome is the name given to an ailment that causes symptoms of confusion after "sundown." These symptoms appear in people who suffer from Alzheimer's Disease or other forms of dementia. Not all patients who suffer from dementia or Alzheimer's exhibit Sundowner's symptoms, however. Conversely, some people exhibit symptoms of dementia all day which grow worse in the late afternoon and evening, while others may exhibit no symptoms at all until the sun goes down.

Sundowner's Syndrome largely remains a mystery to medical science, although there are several theories about why these symptoms begin at night. More and more studies are being conducted to try to determine the exact cause.

In the meantime, some doctors believe it's an accumulation of all of the sensory stimulation from the day which begins to overwhelm and cause stress. Some speculate that Sundowner's Syndrome is caused by hormonal imbalances that occur at night. Still others believe that the onset of symptoms at night is due to simple fatigue, while some believe it has to do with the anxiety caused by the inability to see as well in the dark.

Specializes in ortho, hospice volunteer, psych,.
well, we are basically stuck with her and have been trapped in this situation for years. until these dementia patients lose their appetites and/or suffer a devastating fall, looks like we will care for her for many more years. my husband won't send her to a nursing home because though she has medicaid he says she still walks, eats, and is not incontinent, and he thinks she'll die right away if she goes to a snf. i have tried educating him since i am a nurse, but he doesn't have the heart to warehouse his mom. besides, he has cared for his mom for the last twelve years and has not had a job outside of the home since then, and you can imagine how hard it would be for a 53 year old man to enter the work sector after all this time. he build computers from home and makes cash that way, thank god, but it is not enough money and the business ebbs and flows. he knows that after his mom dies or eventually is placed in a facility that he will lose her social security and have to go out and get a "normal" job like i have. our marriage sometimes is strained because his mom is never anywhere but here in the house with us. every meal out has to include his mom who embarrasses him because she won't allow him to bathe her, and she only allows me to bathe her about 3 times per year. she stinks, her toenails are overgrown, though i trim them several times per year. i cut her hair, but because she is so afraid of being washed, her hair is very greasy and i only get to shampoo it after begging her for months and months. my husband is very gentle with her but sometimes he just drags her to the sink and starts shampooing her and doesn't allow her to move from the sink until he's done. it takes 3 shampoos with dish soap to get out the grease. shampoo does not work on hair that soiled. she can't carry on a conversation, forgets where the bathroom is, but still walks, sits in a chair all day, or lays in the bed all day. we are bored beyond comprehension. she has no other medical conditions and is on no meds, except ativan. she sun-downs several times per week. the story goes on and on.

while i was in rehab post stroke, it was two weeks before my oily hair was washed. yuck! when it was finally washed, we used my philosophy brand shower soap and shampoo. it was clean and shiny with just two washes. it comes in several scents and i love it. might it be a possibility for your mother-in-law?

it's available from qvc, sephora, and jc penney (by mail.)

Specializes in Peds Medical Floor.
well, we are basically stuck with her and have been trapped in this situation for years. until these dementia patients lose their appetites and/or suffer a devastating fall, looks like we will care for her for many more years. my husband won't send her to a nursing home because though she has medicaid he says she still walks, eats, and is not incontinent, and he thinks she'll die right away if she goes to a snf. i have tried educating him since i am a nurse, but he doesn't have the heart to warehouse his mom. besides, he has cared for his mom for the last twelve years and has not had a job outside of the home since then, and you can imagine how hard it would be for a 53 year old man to enter the work sector after all this time. he build computers from home and makes cash that way, thank god, but it is not enough money and the business ebbs and flows. he knows that after his mom dies or eventually is placed in a facility that he will lose her social security and have to go out and get a "normal" job like i have. our marriage sometimes is strained because his mom is never anywhere but here in the house with us. every meal out has to include his mom who embarrasses him because she won't allow him to bathe her, and she only allows me to bathe her about 3 times per year. she stinks, her toenails are overgrown, though i trim them several times per year. i cut her hair, but because she is so afraid of being washed, her hair is very greasy and i only get to shampoo it after begging her for months and months. my husband is very gentle with her but sometimes he just drags her to the sink and starts shampooing her and doesn't allow her to move from the sink until he's done. it takes 3 shampoos with dish soap to get out the grease. shampoo does not work on hair that soiled. she can't carry on a conversation, forgets where the bathroom is, but still walks, sits in a chair all day, or lays in the bed all day. we are bored beyond comprehension. she has no other medical conditions and is on no meds, except ativan. she sun-downs several times per week. the story goes on and on.

will your mil allow you to use waterless shampoo in between washes? http://www.tresemme.com/products/fresh-start/fresh-start-dry-shampoo/

and why isn't she on meds for her dementia and paranoia? it might make life easier for you guys. or can you give her the ativan before giving her a bath and doing her personal care like clipping her nails, etc?

Specializes in Med/Surg, Academics.
Eligibility for Medicaid requires that recipient basically spend down all of their assets first (I believe you are allowed to keep a total of $10,000). There is also now a 5 year reach-back period, meaning that if the applicant has given any assets to others in the previous 5 years, those too must be used up before you are eligible. Also, Medicaid is not likely to cover many aspects of home care - I believe each state defines what they'll cover but typically, it's limited to those costs associated with medical care, such as physcian and nursing visits, testing, some equipment or pharmaceuticals, etc., not the ancillary costs of caring for someone at home. Ironically, Medicaid often covers most of the cost of nursing home care, which is usually far in excess of the costs associated with caring for a loved one at home.

Of course, almost no nursing homes will take Medicaid patients: Most LTC's - and certainly the better ones - will admit only pataients with significant amounts of assets that must be assigned to the facility. Once the assets have been exhausted (which happens rather quickly since the monthly charges can easily run to $12,000 or more), then the facility will accept Medicaid.

Great system, isn't it?

I don't know what state you are in, but there is *some* misinformation in this post for other states (assuming that it is correct information for your state). Any one reading should look into nursing home and Medicaid requirements in their own state. I know what is required in my state, but I am loathe to post it because I realize I might not fully understand it. I only know that the nursing home my MIL is now in never asked once about her assets--I only said "private pay for a little while," and there was no "assignment" of assets that you speak of.

ETA: $12,000 per month is EXORBITANT and not at all common. In my area, costs ran from $198/day to $297/day.

Specializes in Hospice, ONC, Tele, Med Surg, Endo/Output.
Will your MIL allow you to use waterless shampoo in between washes? http://www.tresemme.com/Products/Fresh-Start/Fresh-Start-Dry-Shampoo/

And why isn't she on meds for her dementia and paranoia? It might make life easier for you guys. Or can you give her the Ativan before giving her a bath and doing her personal care like clipping her nails, etc?

We do use the tresemme dry hair shampoo that comes in the green and black bottle once in awhile, but she doesn't like to be fussed with no matter what you do. And whenever we take her on a trip or have to do personal care she gets ativan. My husband has had her on seroquel before, but now her insurance won't cover it and it is very expensive. Ativan works pretty good, makes her silly, but doesn't make her as sleepy as the seroquel. Also my husband does not take her to the doctor much because each time they want to put her on multiple meds and he just doesn't want to have to keep telling the docs "no". As a nurse he has heard me talk about polypharmacy. His mom was on eight different meds when she was in an ALF and now that she is only on ativan she is much better.

Specializes in Med/Surg, Academics.
Well, we are basically stuck with her and have been trapped in this situation for years. Until these dementia patients lose their appetites and/or suffer a devastating fall, looks like we will care for her for many more years. My husband won't send her to a nursing home because though she has medicaid he says she still walks, eats, and is not incontinent, and he thinks she'll die right away if she goes to a SNF. I have tried educating him since I am a nurse, but he doesn't have the heart to warehouse his mom. Besides, he has cared for his mom for the last twelve years and has not had a job outside of the home since then, and you can imagine how hard it would be for a 53 year old man to enter the work sector after all this time. He build computers from home and makes cash that way, thank God, but it is not enough money and the business ebbs and flows. He knows that after his mom dies or eventually is placed in a facility that he will lose her social security and have to go out and get a "normal" job like i have. Our marriage sometimes is strained because his Mom is never anywhere but here in the house with us. Every meal out has to include his Mom who embarrasses him because she won't allow him to bathe her, and she only allows me to bathe her about 3 times per year. She stinks, her toenails are overgrown, though i trim them several times per year. I cut her hair, but because she is so afraid of being washed, her hair is very greasy and i only get to shampoo it after begging her for months and months. My husband is very gentle with her but sometimes he just drags her to the sink and starts shampooing her and doesn't allow her to move from the sink until he's done. It takes 3 shampoos with dish soap to get out the grease. Shampoo does not work on hair that soiled. She can't carry on a conversation, forgets where the bathroom is, but still walks, sits in a chair all day, or lays in the bed all day. We are bored beyond comprehension. She has no other medical conditions and is on no meds, except ativan. She sun-downs several times per week. The story goes on and on.

I wish you could hear my voice when I say this, only because this is not at all an accusation or anything or the sort. It is a sincere desire for you to be able to get your life back: You sound beaten down, tired, and desperate for relief. There have been studies on the stress associated with caregiving, and the near-immediate relief of physical and psychological symptoms when appropriate placement is found or upon the death of the dementia patient. And I can relate.

A conflagration of events led to my MIL's placement a few months ago: a fall, an extended rehab stay, and the realization that our home set up (lots of stairs) was dangerous for my MIL considering some intermittent symptoms she had more frequently exhibited (and which directly led to her fall). Before the fall, she was sundowning more often, and my whole family would endure hours of her going back and forth from the front door to the back door, shaking them to attempt to open them, and yelling at us to let her out. My children would retreat to their room and barricade their door to drown out the sound and prevent their grandmother from entering, in an attempt to manipulate them into unlocking the doors. It affected all of us.

Her placement was the best for our family. Period. End of story. Granted, we did not have the dependence on her income or assets that your family seems to have, but do you agree that it's time to say: SCREW the social security; I want my life back!!!!

I wish you the very best. I wish you peace and healing. Good luck.

Specializes in school nursing, ortho, trauma.

it's really been great gaining some insight on this. please do not think my opinion was stated out of pure callousness. The bottom line is that while many of you in similar situations have been tempted to drop your loved one and run for the hills, I have yet to read about any of you actually doing it. My intention was not to strike any painful nerves, but rather to stimulate conversation.

I have provided round the clock care for my family as well and know how taxing it can be. I also worked a special needs population and have seen first hand the type of toll it can take on families. The glaring truth with the patient in my scenario was that she did not have demantia - i know, that should have been made clearer. She was having difficulty walking around the house and the daughter was frustrated (per the ER doc) with her slow, cautious steps around the house. The ER physician did not think she was appropriate for admission.

Certainly not judging the daughter. I've been in the role of full time care giver and I know how taxing it can be. That is why I didn't want to just grab a wheelchair and show the patient to the door. That is why I tried to find out of any possibility of admitting the lady, even as a observation. Please bear in mind, I was still orienting as an ADN at the time. I actually have run into the same situation in the 9 months since I started this per diem job, I am aware of more resources now and can offer better solutions.

Bless you. I would be interested in knowing what resources you have found, in the hopes that I can find similar ones in my own area.

Thank you.

Specializes in Gerontology, Med surg, Home Health.

I've worked in long term care for most of my almost 30 year career. Only one time did someone show up at the front door of the facility with a family member and a suit case. He literally threw the suit case in the door, pushed the elder in and ran. Luckily it was dress down day so I had my sneakers on and caught him before he could get away.

His mom was clearly demented and he was clearly overwhelmed. I sat him down and gave him some advice....call your doctor and tell him your mom has had a change in mental status and foul smelling urine. Get him to admit her for 3 days, access her Medicare and you'll have more choices of facilities. Very sad.

Being at home is not always the best thing for the elder.