We're not leaving until Mama's in a home

It didn't matter to this woman that her mom was discharged. She was done with being a caretaker. I just hoped to get through before this became another drop and run of an elderly person. Nurses Announcements Archive Article

The phone in my pocket rings. I have been an ADN for all of three days now. I am still orienting, though my preceptor scheduled to teach a class while I covered the house. Her presumption of faith in me is both inspiring and terrifying. The er is calling. They have a patient that has been discharged, but the daughter is refusing to take the patient home, claming she cannot care for her mother.

My stomach knots at the prospect of confrontation. I do not feel ready for this. This was just supposed to be a summer job as a staff nurse in between sessions of my regular job as a school nurse. They offered me a hefty paycheck and the role of adn; nothing more, nothing less. This was what I had gotten myself into.

I calm myself and remind my already jarred nerves that I deal with difficult people and family members all year long at school. But there it's different. There I know the rules off the top of my head.

I walk past my preceptor classroom and hear her giving a brief lecture on central line dressing changes. I decide I better fully assess the situation before I call her out. It seems like she's on a tear anyhow about the order of betadine and alcohol.

The er is hopping. They could certainly use the space the now discharged woman is occupying. I slide up the counter to get the story from the nurse caring for the patient.

"Mrs. Taylor was brought in by squad earlier this morning. Daughter said she couldn't walk. Doc ran all sorts of tests - nothing physically wrong. Patient can walk too, just is a bit unsteady." I nod and jot a few notes on my worksheet.

"I just think the daughter's had it. I need you to tell them they have to leave." the nurse rattles off the info without ever looking up at me. It seems she's had it, too.

I glance through the chart and head in to the stretcher slot. The patient is a frail woman with a pleasant smile; the daughter is well dressed and has permanent frown lines etched into her skin. I explain that the patient has been discharged and the hospital has no reason to admit the patient and that they need to make arrangements to get home.

"I can't care for her, she has to stay." the daughter gives as her defense. "I brought her here cause I can't take care of her."

I look over the patient. She rolls her eyes in her daughter's direction. It's obvious she is even less comfortable with this confrontation than I am.

"You guys can do whatever you want - admit her, send her to a home. I can't care for her." the daughter repeats and flips her cell phone open to send a text.

I explain that the doctor sees no reason to admit and that I cannot just send her to a nursing home. Especially at seven o'clock on a Friday night. I gently offer to arrange for transport to bring the patient home via ambulance. This is quickly vetoed as the daughter states she can't get her to the bathroom by herself. As I debate offering to send home a bedpan along with transport, the daughter threatens to "shove her in the car" and "leave her there all night" with a promise to return first thing in the morning to the er to start the process over. I advise them both in no uncertain terms that a call to aps would be made should that be the case. I quietly wonder what she would have done to toilet her mom if she kept her in the car all night. My stomach knots again. Perhaps it's time to call out my preceptor, or at least go and hide in the morgue and cry for a moment.

I take a deep breath and offer to call the after hours social worker to see if she had any suggestions. The daughter agrees, though I am worried she will just leave the er and leave her mother behind. I get in touch with the social worker who agrees that the patient does not sound appropriate for admission. "i suppose," the social worker sighs, "if the daughter just leaves her here we can admit for observation. Medicare probably won't cover it, though." she warns.

Meanwhile, I have a surgeon that needs to book an or add on for the morning, three nursing units have a laundry list of items they need from central supply and I still have to think about staffing for the night shift. Taking a quick cry break sounds better and better. I shrug that off and instead opt for a quick scream inside my empty elevator car.

I fill out the booking for the or add on, dash down to central and find all the items with impressive speed and stop by the office and make a few last minute changes to the nursing assistant float pool assignments. After swallowing half of my coffee, I am ready to return to the daughter of the year in the er. I am still half expecting her to have left the patient high and dry. To my surprise, she is still there, frown lines visible from across the room.

We hash out the details of the case again. I explain to her that we can attempt an observational admission, but that it would likely not be covered by insurance. This calms the daughter down, but she it still not satisfied. A rapid response is called overhead. I explain to the woman I would return after I responded to the emergency and we could decide what they wanted to do then.

I meet my preceptor en route. "how is your night going?" she smiles, reading the stress on my face. I fill her in as we approach our emergency.

When the patient was stabilized, I made my way back to the er, expecting to now have to find a room for this unnecessary patient. Without checking in at the nurses station, I round the corner and find the stretcher empty and the patient's gown tossed onto the floor.

"What happened to mrs. Taylor?" I ask as I return to the nurses station.

"Daughter didn't say a word, walked her out about fifteen minutes ago."

I shook my head and walked away. I am angered by the attitude that one could drop their mother off at the hospital as cavalier as dropping a stray dog off at a pound. Mrs. Taylor had apparently avoided the nursing home for another day, though I imagined this would not be the end of this. I haven't seen them since, nor have I had a similar situation since, but I am positive it will not be the last attempted elder drop I see.

Specializes in OB/GYN, Peds, School Nurse, DD.
Right, for instance my mother in law who lives with us has dementia and is a complete burden. Was diagnosed twelve years ago, but walks, speaks a few words, feeds herself, won't allow bathing, and is only occasionally incontinent. My husband cannot work outside of the home because he babysits his mom all day. He cannot leave the home because she will walk out the front door and fall outside. I am the only breadwinner. At some point

she will have to go elsewhere. The money for ALFs and nursing homes is all spent and a house was sold to keep her in an ALF for 2 years. She has been in my home for 3 years. Her decline is ridiculously slow. She could outlive the both of us, lol. We are bored to death and we can't do anything without his mother.

*nods* Here's another vote for "don't be too quick to judge." I completely understand the desire to drop Mom off at the ER and walk away. Not that it makes it right. But, OP, I don't think you really understand the depth of how hard it is to care for someone 24hrs a day, with no end in sight. I get the frustration of facing this situation as a new ADN, but I think you have to delve deeper to understand what would drive someone to do this.

We've been caregivers for 16 years now, only it's not my mom or his dad--it's our son. Our profoundly mentally handicapped can't dress himself, can't bathe himself, wears diapers 24/7 teenaged son. Oh, and he's a runner. He is taller and stronger than we are and he has the mental capacity of a 9 month old. I can so identify with your whole post. The boredom, OMG. We can't have people over because we have to keep one eye on DS. We can't go over to other people's house because their homes are not child-proofed--did i mention he's a runner? And a climber. Our lives have slowly imploded until there is this tightly wound core of fury made up of DS, me, and DH. Everything else orbits around us like satellites. Very very few of our friends have been able to hang in there for the long haul. Just trying to navigate the piece-meal social services to get whatever financial assistance and respite care we can find is nearly a full-time job. My DH is fully disabled himself, so a lot of DSs care falls to me. Thankfully, we have been able to get some CNA care in the evenings which is when we really really need the help. There isn't nearly as much help out there as people think and there are lot of us caregivers out there who are dying a slow, silent, and painful death. I have actually been told by some of our service agencies that we *should* drop our son off at the ER! My DH has been told to divorce me so we can get more services! Is this really helping??

Enchantment, my heart goes out to you. I totally understand your pain and grief. As much as you love your MIL, caregiving is a long, largely thankless project. I see in my (few remaining) friends eyes the silent gratitude that it's us and not them. People tell us to "take care of yourselves" but they don't have any idea what that would entail.

Flare, i'm really not trying to bust your chops. This just hit a painful nerve with me. I look in the mirror and I see those same frown lines on my face and I wonder if I'm ever going to be happy again. I am completly trapped in my caregiving life. Depression stalks me all day, all night. I hope I can hold on long enough to find appropriate out of home care for my son, who I love more than anything.

Specializes in Med/Surg, Academics.

Poodles, it took a lot of courage to write out that post. There is nothing I can say that would make your situation better for you, but please know that I wish the best for you and for your family.

I can certainly relate to the daughter in this article. I cared for my Mom for 4 years after she had a stroke. I had my step-dad to help me but it was still a 24/7 job. It consumed my entire life. I totally understand the frown lines. I sat on the back porch many times and cried my eyes out because I hated the life I was having to live. My Mom died on Sept 2, 2010. As bad as some of those days were, I miss her so much. I just hope the daughter in this story realizes that even though she is frustrated, that is still her mother and she won't be here forever.

Specializes in ortho, hospice volunteer, psych,.

poodles,

it took a great deal of love, courage, and just plain guts to write what you wrote. i wish i could help you and lighten your load in any way i could. you're a very brave lady and your husband is a special

man too. i wish i lived near you.

Specializes in ortho, hospice volunteer, psych,.

i took care of my mom when she was dying of cancer in what might be best be described as by remote control. i moved home from 1000 miles away when she called and told me she had been dx with pancreatic ca, which eventually metastasized to her brain, lungs, and liver. it also reappeared in her remaining breast.

when i first returned home, she was so happy to see me. six weeks later, she had become someone else.

she thought i was plotting her murder, stealing from her, feeding her cat orificenic, stealing her mail, etc.

etc. etc. there were occasional moments of lucidity. i had moved up getting married several months and

he cheerfully gave up a job he loved and moved. we bought a house two blocks away when living there

became impossible, and i never knew whether she'd say "hiya, babe! i'm so glad you're here." or

"what did you come to steal this time?" when i'd sneak in the kitchen door.

my mom had set things up after my dad died unexpectedly, so i had full poa. both my parents were

lawyers, so medical and financial planning had been handled. my great aunts and my aunts spent weeks and weeks visiting, but vna and hospice did her physical care that i had planned on doing. a funny (gallows humor, i guess) thing was my handling her financial affairs and paying routine bills. i was used to paying household and department store bills etc. but had no realistic idea what terminal care at home really cost. my mom paid every bill on time and in full every month. i was told by her lawyer that money had been transferred into checking for bill paying and to let him know and he'd help me transfer more. i was absolutely appalled at the size of the bills insurance didn't cover. i realize now that i wasn't thinking like a responsible adult. i just paid the minimum amount due on every bill every month.

the lawyer (one of my parents' partners who had known me since i was tiny and still treated me like a kid) received duplicate banking statements. when about three statements had been issued, he visited the bank and told them they must have made a whole series of mistakes. nope! there really was that amount of money in the account! i wasn't fired, but my bill paying duties were reassigned.

my aunties kept me updated and kept my critics from within the family at bay. my mom got so upset when i came into the house that it just wasn't worth it. i treasure the memory of one night when she wasn't angry with me. we watched an episode of the honeymooners and i can still hear the sound of her laughter inside my head. my other memory is our wedding day. she lived nearly four more months.

we had a warm, close, special, loving relationship until she became ill. it took almost a decade before i began to forget the hateful things she said to me. all i can say is that i did my very best. it was a long way from perfect, but my best nonetheless.

her twin sister just turned ninety last month, and is driving her daughter (who has advancing ms) crazy.

the best thing i can do is to keep reminding her that she's not alone and that nothing much she does is right, but that's okay, and that she's not a terrible person. i'm too far away to do much else unfortunately.

Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.

one more voice to the choir saying "walk in her shoes before you judge." i took care of my mother after my father died until we could get her into assisted living. while she maintained enough while dad was alive that many of their acquaintences didn't realize how far advanced her alzheimer's had become, she went downhill quickly after he died. i couldn't take my eyes off of her for even a minute or she'd be outside in below zero weather wearing nothing but a nightgown or shovelling so much wood into the stove that the stovepipe glowed red. i had no time to shower -- couldn't even close the bathroom door to use the toilet. and sleep? i think the only sleep i got was when i dozed off at stoplights taking mom to her various doctor's appointments. had it lasted much longer, i might have dropped mom off in the er as well.

i didn't have an ideal childhood. i moved out the day after high school graduation to escape the beatings and never went back. the idea that i would have to spend years taking care of a parent who never found anything i did, said or accomplished good enough -- and said so loudly to all and sundry -- is demoralizing. my folks always told me they were leaving all the assets to my sister -- which they did. there was a reason i moved thousands of miles away. i could enjoy the parts of my relationship with my parents that were ok -- laughing together for instance -- and ignore the stuff that made me feel so horrible about myself. caring for mother, all of that bad stuff came back.

people still judge me because i put my mother in an alf. they have no idea. the work is difficult enough for a beloved parent who took good care of you when you were small. but to be forced back into proximity with a parent you escaped as soon as you could and with whom you had a tenuous relationship at best . . . that's cruel and unusual punishment.

Specializes in ortho, hospice volunteer, psych,.

ruby,

you've been through so very much.

i wish i were close enough to give you a hug.

Right, for instance my mother in law who lives with us has dementia and is a complete burden. Was diagnosed twelve years ago, but walks, speaks a few words, feeds herself, won't allow bathing, and is only occasionally incontinent. My husband cannot work outside of the home because he babysits his mom all day. He cannot leave the home because she will walk out the front door and fall outside. I am the only breadwinner. At some point

she will have to go elsewhere. The money for ALFs and nursing homes is all spent and a house was sold to keep her in an ALF for 2 years. She has been in my home for 3 years. Her decline is ridiculously slow. She could outlive the both of us, lol. We are bored to death and we can't do anything without his mother.

Why isn't she eligible for Medicaid?

Specializes in Hospice, ONC, Tele, Med Surg, Endo/Output.
So what would be the alternative in a case like yours?

Her money is spent, so she can't pay for care.

If she had no family to take care of her, where would she go?

Well, we are basically stuck with her and have been trapped in this situation for years. Until these dementia patients lose their appetites and/or suffer a devastating fall, looks like we will care for her for many more years. My husband won't send her to a nursing home because though she has medicaid he says she still walks, eats, and is not incontinent, and he thinks she'll die right away if she goes to a SNF. I have tried educating him since I am a nurse, but he doesn't have the heart to warehouse his mom. Besides, he has cared for his mom for the last twelve years and has not had a job outside of the home since then, and you can imagine how hard it would be for a 53 year old man to enter the work sector after all this time. He build computers from home and makes cash that way, thank God, but it is not enough money and the business ebbs and flows. He knows that after his mom dies or eventually is placed in a facility that he will lose her social security and have to go out and get a "normal" job like i have. Our marriage sometimes is strained because his Mom is never anywhere but here in the house with us. Every meal out has to include his Mom who embarrasses him because she won't allow him to bathe her, and she only allows me to bathe her about 3 times per year. She stinks, her toenails are overgrown, though i trim them several times per year. I cut her hair, but because she is so afraid of being washed, her hair is very greasy and i only get to shampoo it after begging her for months and months. My husband is very gentle with her but sometimes he just drags her to the sink and starts shampooing her and doesn't allow her to move from the sink until he's done. It takes 3 shampoos with dish soap to get out the grease. Shampoo does not work on hair that soiled. She can't carry on a conversation, forgets where the bathroom is, but still walks, sits in a chair all day, or lays in the bed all day. We are bored beyond comprehension. She has no other medical conditions and is on no meds, except ativan. She sun-downs several times per week. The story goes on and on.

Why isn't she eligible for Medicaid?

Eligibility for Medicaid requires that recipient basically spend down all of their assets first (I believe you are allowed to keep a total of $10,000). There is also now a 5 year reach-back period, meaning that if the applicant has given any assets to others in the previous 5 years, those too must be used up before you are eligible. Also, Medicaid is not likely to cover many aspects of home care - I believe each state defines what they'll cover but typically, it's limited to those costs associated with medical care, such as physcian and nursing visits, testing, some equipment or pharmaceuticals, etc., not the ancillary costs of caring for someone at home. Ironically, Medicaid often covers most of the cost of nursing home care, which is usually far in excess of the costs associated with caring for a loved one at home.

Of course, almost no nursing homes will take Medicaid patients: Most LTC's - and certainly the better ones - will admit only pataients with significant amounts of assets that must be assigned to the facility. Once the assets have been exhausted (which happens rather quickly since the monthly charges can easily run to $12,000 or more), then the facility will accept Medicaid.

Great system, isn't it?

Specializes in OB/GYN, Peds, School Nurse, DD.

Oh my goodness, Kathy! That's awful about your mom. Even though I'm sure she would never have said such mean things to you when she was lucid, it doesn't make it easy to take. You were a good daughter to your mom.

Specializes in ortho, hospice volunteer, psych,.

thank you! my mom and i were so close until a few weeks before she died, that her decline was really traumatic for me. i was born following many stillbirths and even more miscarriages, and i think that forged the bond. i inherited my sense of the whimsical from her, along with the ability to both appreciate as well as hatch a good practical joke from my dad. i would have done anything i possibly could have done for her, had it been possible.

i was in my thirties then, and mark that as the point in my life when i really joined the adult world. i had thought i was "all grown up" but had been drifting along in a postgrad haze. i still feel she's keeping an eye on me from above and she died twenty-four years ago last month. i was with her the last

24 hours, with her cat asleep on her feet.