We're not leaving until Mama's in a home

It didn't matter to this woman that her mom was discharged. She was done with being a caretaker. I just hoped to get through before this became another drop and run of an elderly person. Nurses Announcements Archive Article

The phone in my pocket rings. I have been an ADN for all of three days now. I am still orienting, though my preceptor scheduled to teach a class while I covered the house. Her presumption of faith in me is both inspiring and terrifying. The er is calling. They have a patient that has been discharged, but the daughter is refusing to take the patient home, claming she cannot care for her mother.

My stomach knots at the prospect of confrontation. I do not feel ready for this. This was just supposed to be a summer job as a staff nurse in between sessions of my regular job as a school nurse. They offered me a hefty paycheck and the role of adn; nothing more, nothing less. This was what I had gotten myself into.

I calm myself and remind my already jarred nerves that I deal with difficult people and family members all year long at school. But there it's different. There I know the rules off the top of my head.

I walk past my preceptor classroom and hear her giving a brief lecture on central line dressing changes. I decide I better fully assess the situation before I call her out. It seems like she's on a tear anyhow about the order of betadine and alcohol.

The er is hopping. They could certainly use the space the now discharged woman is occupying. I slide up the counter to get the story from the nurse caring for the patient.

"Mrs. Taylor was brought in by squad earlier this morning. Daughter said she couldn't walk. Doc ran all sorts of tests - nothing physically wrong. Patient can walk too, just is a bit unsteady." I nod and jot a few notes on my worksheet.

"I just think the daughter's had it. I need you to tell them they have to leave." the nurse rattles off the info without ever looking up at me. It seems she's had it, too.

I glance through the chart and head in to the stretcher slot. The patient is a frail woman with a pleasant smile; the daughter is well dressed and has permanent frown lines etched into her skin. I explain that the patient has been discharged and the hospital has no reason to admit the patient and that they need to make arrangements to get home.

"I can't care for her, she has to stay." the daughter gives as her defense. "I brought her here cause I can't take care of her."

I look over the patient. She rolls her eyes in her daughter's direction. It's obvious she is even less comfortable with this confrontation than I am.

"You guys can do whatever you want - admit her, send her to a home. I can't care for her." the daughter repeats and flips her cell phone open to send a text.

I explain that the doctor sees no reason to admit and that I cannot just send her to a nursing home. Especially at seven o'clock on a Friday night. I gently offer to arrange for transport to bring the patient home via ambulance. This is quickly vetoed as the daughter states she can't get her to the bathroom by herself. As I debate offering to send home a bedpan along with transport, the daughter threatens to "shove her in the car" and "leave her there all night" with a promise to return first thing in the morning to the er to start the process over. I advise them both in no uncertain terms that a call to aps would be made should that be the case. I quietly wonder what she would have done to toilet her mom if she kept her in the car all night. My stomach knots again. Perhaps it's time to call out my preceptor, or at least go and hide in the morgue and cry for a moment.

I take a deep breath and offer to call the after hours social worker to see if she had any suggestions. The daughter agrees, though I am worried she will just leave the er and leave her mother behind. I get in touch with the social worker who agrees that the patient does not sound appropriate for admission. "i suppose," the social worker sighs, "if the daughter just leaves her here we can admit for observation. Medicare probably won't cover it, though." she warns.

Meanwhile, I have a surgeon that needs to book an or add on for the morning, three nursing units have a laundry list of items they need from central supply and I still have to think about staffing for the night shift. Taking a quick cry break sounds better and better. I shrug that off and instead opt for a quick scream inside my empty elevator car.

I fill out the booking for the or add on, dash down to central and find all the items with impressive speed and stop by the office and make a few last minute changes to the nursing assistant float pool assignments. After swallowing half of my coffee, I am ready to return to the daughter of the year in the er. I am still half expecting her to have left the patient high and dry. To my surprise, she is still there, frown lines visible from across the room.

We hash out the details of the case again. I explain to her that we can attempt an observational admission, but that it would likely not be covered by insurance. This calms the daughter down, but she it still not satisfied. A rapid response is called overhead. I explain to the woman I would return after I responded to the emergency and we could decide what they wanted to do then.

I meet my preceptor en route. "how is your night going?" she smiles, reading the stress on my face. I fill her in as we approach our emergency.

When the patient was stabilized, I made my way back to the er, expecting to now have to find a room for this unnecessary patient. Without checking in at the nurses station, I round the corner and find the stretcher empty and the patient's gown tossed onto the floor.

"What happened to mrs. Taylor?" I ask as I return to the nurses station.

"Daughter didn't say a word, walked her out about fifteen minutes ago."

I shook my head and walked away. I am angered by the attitude that one could drop their mother off at the hospital as cavalier as dropping a stray dog off at a pound. Mrs. Taylor had apparently avoided the nursing home for another day, though I imagined this would not be the end of this. I haven't seen them since, nor have I had a similar situation since, but I am positive it will not be the last attempted elder drop I see.

Specializes in ortho, hospice volunteer, psych,.

being at home is not always the best thing for the elder.

but it's an excruciating decision to be forced into making. i was there in 1987. i felt split right down the middle. no member of our extended family had ever been "warehoused" into a nursing home as my aunt put it. hospice was providing at home care, but the care would have been so much easier had my mother been cared for within the hospice. my mom had extracted a promise not just from me that she would never be "put away"but she had also made her sisters, aunts,cousins, nieces,, and assorted friends

promise that they would oversee my promise. that was how strongly she felt.

my mom died on a friday. multiple times a day, beginning on monday, hospice would call me and ask whether i'd changed my mind. with all the aunties hovering, i didn't feel i could make that choice. i

allowed myself to be intimidated and i should not have. the good news is that nothing bad happened.

at this age, i would be able to something different, but then i couldn't.

Specializes in Gerontology, Med surg, Home Health.

I've already told my children that I would prefer to go to a nursing home than to have them care for me. Neither of my parents spent time in a nursing home, but I understand that it can be an unbelievably difficult decision. Many of the residents I care for have a much better quality of life than they would if they lived alone or even with family.

I have my wishes clearly spelled out and my health care proxy is very aware of what I want and don't want done for me.

Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
but it's an excruciating decision to be forced into making. i was there in 1987. i felt split right down the middle. no member of our extended family had ever been "warehoused" into a nursing home as my aunt put it. hospice was providing at home care, but the care would have been so much easier had my mother been cared for within the hospice. my mom had extracted a promise not just from me that she would never be "put away"but she had also made her sisters, aunts,cousins, nieces,, and assorted friends

promise that they would oversee my promise. that was how strongly she felt.

my mom died on a friday. multiple times a day, beginning on monday, hospice would call me and ask whether i'd changed my mind. with all the aunties hovering, i didn't feel i could make that choice. i

allowed myself to be intimidated and i should not have. the good news is that nothing bad happened.

at this age, i would be able to something different, but then i couldn't.

i think the decision is more clear-cut when the parent has dementia. after mamita threatened my husband's sister (her daughter) with a scythe, it became a safety issue. between her periods of violent behavior and her episodes of running away, even my husband was forced to admit that we couldn't care for her in our home. once i made it clear to him that she was his mother and he would be the one taking her to her doctor's appointments, leaving work to deal with her issues, planning her care, etc. he was perfectly willing to back off on his insistence that we invite her to live with us.

mamita has never been a nice person, and none of her children wanted to deal with her. whenever she visited our home, my husband would either work endless overtime or take to his bed complaining of some illness or another, leaving me to entertain and cope with her demands. i told him i wasn't going to subject myself to that on a permanent basis.

my mother's alzheimer's made institutionalizing her a much easier decision as well. someone would have to stay with her all of the time to ensure her safety. even if i quit my job to stay home with her, there's no way i could provide 24/7 supervision. fortunately, my family understood and we were all in agreement. some of mom's friends had difficulty with the decision initially, but once my dad was gone and no longer covering for her, even they saw how much she had deteriorated.

mamita's brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews have essentially shunned my husband, his two sisters and our families because we "put her away." yet none of them were willing to step up with other alternatives, and none of them have visited her in the memory unit, nor have they even called to inquire how she is doing. my essential feeling is that if you aren't going to participate in her care, you don't get a vote in the planning.

Specializes in Geriatrics.

I will never forget my first LTC experience along these lines. I was working one day when a young man walked thru the door with his elderly father. He had signed all the paperwork days before and came to drop Dad off. Sonny had told Dad they were going for a ride and had to stop of at this building "for a minute". When they entered the building, Sonny turned and left, leaving Dad in the lobby lost and alone, Sonny didn't even bother to bring clothes, we went thru the left over clothes in the laundry for something for him to wear. We took Dad to his room where he laid on the bed, refused to eat, drink, wash, or even walk. Dad passed away 5 days later, I can only think it was from being abandoned. We never did learn why he was dumped on us. But I know it broke my heart to see Dad give up and die.

That said I totally understand how demanding and time comsuming caring for our parents can be. Perhaps you can arrange for a "Respite Vacation"? Here in Ma. you can arrange for Mom, MIL, Dad, or any other dependent to be place in LTC for a week or two to give you a break. I don't know how (or if) the insurance covers the cost, but the time off can be a life saver for everyone.

Specializes in school nursing, ortho, trauma.

Stories like Gentlegiver's break my heart. I wonder if sonny bothered to visit his dad in those 5 days.

My state (NJ) has an extensive list of resources through CaregiverNJ - respite care, adult day care, in home support, telephone support, the list goes on and on. I was impressed once I really did some digging to see what it out there. I suppose the biggest obstacle is educating people as to what is available to them before they reach a breaking point.

My parents bought long term care insurance and expect that my brother and I will make the right choices should the time come. Also - in my state, Exempt volunteer firefighters (Volunteer firefighters that belong to a certain organization and that have reached a "retirement" of sorts) have the NJ fireman's home - a LTC funded by the exempt fireman's association which provides care at no cost to families. We joke my dad that we already have the paperwork filled out- just need to fill in a date. That is a long way off, we hope.

ruby vee:mamita's brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews have essentially shunned my husband, his two sisters and our families because we "put her away." yet none of them were willing to step up with other alternatives, and none of them have visited her in the memory unit, nor have they even called to inquire how she is doing. my essential feeling is that if you aren't going to participate in her care, you don't get a vote in the planning.

amen!!!!!

if you don't want them in a facility, you can help.

I just placed my 80 year old mother in a facility 5 weeks ago. DX-mid-stage Parkinson's Disease, early dementia. She lived with me prior to that for six months. I feel for the daughter in this situation whereas at one time, I wouldn't have. Trust me, I fantasized about doing the same thing to my mother after she'd keep me up til 2am ranting and raving about me sneaking boys in the house and drinking with them. (I wasn't of course) She got up at 4am one night and broke all of her bedroom windows with her cane. She would lay on the floor and urinate and refuse to get up....I could go on and on--everyday it was something new and unpredictable-- but you get the picture.....Family members would ask me how things were going and I would answer "Hell has to be just like this."

God bless my mother, I do love her.

RubyVee, why did your husband's mother come to visit, and your husband insist that she live with you, when he clearly didn't enjoy her presence?

I saw a story (don't recall if it was here or another site) where a woman moved her Alzheimer's strick mother in with her, her husband, and several teenage children, and by the time Grandma died, her husband was getting ready to move out (and at least one of the kids was going to go with him) and when she died, the kids said, "So, do we get to be a family again?"

Adult caregivers seem to fall into two categories: The ones who do it because they want to, and the ones who do it because they enjoy being a martyr.

Specializes in Med/Surg, Academics.
Adult caregivers seem to fall into two categories: The ones who do it because they want to, and the ones who do it because they enjoy being a martyr.

It must be easy to sit there and categorize so cleanly, with a heavy dose of self-righteousness.

Why don't you think about this scenario: Your parent is teetering on the edge of caring for themselves with copious amounts of help from you, but still living independently. You're not sure when a change of living arrangements will be necessary. You struggle with knowing when the right time is. Then, something happens with your parent--a wandering episode, leaving the gas on the stove on, taking too much OTC meds, whatever-- and you know you must do something. However, the parent is still aware of his/her surroundings enough that nursing home placement seems...cruel. After all, the parent has spent much of their life talking about how they would never want to be in a nursing home. So, you bring them to live with you because you think you can handle it. You are able to handle it at first, because it was more stressful worrying about them living alone than it was with them living with you.

Then, the disease progresses, as is inevitable.

You, again, are faced with the uncertainty of knowing the right time for placement in a nursing home...a place that the parent has never wanted to be. You feel the need to wait until they have no idea where they are. You wait until it just doesn't matter anymore. That point is usually after behavioral issues have started affecting your entire family. For some, a huge safety issue occurs, and you are grateful that an objective event happened to determine the right time. For others, no such objective event happens, and they still struggle with the decision-making.

You ponder promises made that need to be broken, thinking "If I was more patient, I could do this...I'm failing!", dealing with family/friends who are telling you "You should have done it long ago" AND "I would NEVER do that to my parents."

The comment I quoted from you was just nasty. We're either angels or masochists with the implication of sadism, too, right?

I'm getting so angry at it because your statement is what makes caregivers struggle in silence. I know I did for a long, long time. Then, when I began answering the question, "How is she doing?" honestly, I got the "put her away" vs. "don't ever put her away" from people...people who never offered assistance. Not even for a few hours. I could see the "martyr" vs. "angel" in their eyes. I hated it. There was no understanding; there was only convenient, self-righteous categorization. And, when you are as stressed out as an adult caregiver can be--and you feel the weight of failure on your shoulders--you begin to doubt yourself. You wonder if they are right when, in reality, they just don't get it, and they aren't interested in ever getting it.

Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
rubyvee, why did your husband's mother come to visit, and your husband insist that she live with you, when he clearly didn't enjoy her presence?

because she was his mother.

Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
it must be easy to sit there and categorize so cleanly, with a heavy dose of self-righteousness.

why don't you think about this scenario: your parent is teetering on the edge of caring for themselves with copious amounts of help from you, but still living independently. you're not sure when a change of living arrangements will be necessary. you struggle with knowing when the right time is. then, something happens with your parent--a wandering episode, leaving the gas on the stove on, taking too much otc meds, whatever-- and you know you must do something. however, the parent is still aware of his/her surroundings enough that nursing home placement seems...cruel. after all, the parent has spent much of their life talking about how they would never want to be in a nursing home. so, you bring them to live with you because you think you can handle it. you are able to handle it at first, because it was more stressful worrying about them living alone than it was with them living with you.

then, the disease progresses, as is inevitable.

you, again, are faced with the uncertainty of knowing the right time for placement in a nursing home...a place that the parent has never wanted to be. you feel the need to wait until they have no idea where they are. you wait until it just doesn't matter anymore. that point is usually after behavioral issues have started affecting your entire family. for some, a huge safety issue occurs, and you are grateful that an objective event happened to determine the right time. for others, no such objective event happens, and they still struggle with the decision-making.

you ponder promises made that need to be broken, thinking "if i was more patient, i could do this...i'm failing!", dealing with family/friends who are telling you "you should have done it long ago" and "i would never do that to my parents."

the comment i quoted from you was just nasty. we're either angels or masochists with the implication of sadism, too, right?

i'm getting so angry at it because your statement is what makes caregivers struggle in silence. i know i did for a long, long time. then, when i began answering the question, "how is she doing?" honestly, i got the "put her away" vs. "don't ever put her away" from people...people who never offered assistance. not even for a few hours. i could see the "martyr" vs. "angel" in their eyes. i hated it. there was no understanding; there was only convenient, self-righteous categorization. and, when you are as stressed out as an adult caregiver can be--and you feel the weight of failure on your shoulders--you begin to doubt yourself. you wonder if they are right when, in reality, they just don't get it, and they aren't interested in ever getting it.

there's no way i could have said it as eloquently as you, so i'll just say that i wish i could give you multiple "kudos".

Specializes in ortho, hospice volunteer, psych,.

originally posted by rph3664 viewpost.gif

adult caregivers seem to fall into two categories: the ones who do it because they want to, and the ones who do it because they enjoy being a martyr.

originally posted by dudette10 viewpost.gif

it must be easy to sit there and categorize so cleanly, with a heavy dose of self-righteousness.

why don't you think about this scenario: your parent is teetering on the edge of caring for themselves with copious amounts of help from you, but still living independently. you're not sure when a change of living arrangements will be necessary. you struggle with knowing when the right time is. then, something happens with your parent--a wandering episode, leaving the gas on the stove on, taking too much otc meds, whatever-- and you know you must do something. however, the parent is still aware of his/her surroundings enough that nursing home placement seems...cruel. after all, the parent has spent much of their life talking about how they would never want to be in a nursing home. so, you bring them to live with you because you think you can handle it. you are able to handle it at first, because it was more stressful worrying about them living alone than it was with them living with you.

then, the disease progresses, as is inevitable.

you, again, are faced with the uncertainty of knowing the right time for placement in a nursing home...a place that the parent has never wanted to be. you feel the need to wait until they have no idea where they are. you wait until it just doesn't matter anymore. that point is usually after behavioral issues have started affecting your entire family. for some, a huge safety issue occurs, and you are grateful that an objective event happened to determine the right time. for others, no such objective event happens, and they still struggle with the decision-making.

you ponder promises made that need to be broken, thinking "if i was more patient, i could do this...i'm failing!", dealing with family/friends who are telling you "you should have done it long ago" and "i would never do that to my parents."

the comment i quoted from you was just nasty. we're either angels or masochists with the implication of sadism, too, right?

i'm getting so angry at it because your statement is what makes caregivers struggle in silence. i know i did for a long, long time. then, when i began answering the question, "how is she doing?" honestly, i got the "put her away" vs. "don't ever put her away" from people...people who never offered assistance. not even for a few hours. i could see the "martyr" vs. "angel" in their eyes. i hated it. there was no understanding; there was only convenient, self-righteous categorization. and, when you are as stressed out as an adult caregiver can be--and you feel the weight of failure on your shoulders--you begin to doubt yourself. you wonder if they are right when, in reality, they just don't get it, and they aren't interested in ever getting it.

there's no way i could have said it as eloquently as you, so i'll just say that i wish i could give you multiple "kudos".

very very seldom does something render me absolutely speechless, but the first post nearly did. i did not respond to it because there have been a few times in my life when my big fat mouth has caused trouble for me and i was afraid this might be one such time. i'll only echo the many kudos wish ruby

made above.