11 Things Your Nurse Thinks (But Will Never Tell You)
Since I've presented my top 10 list of the things I love about nursing, it's time now for a visit to the darker side. Here are some decidedly UN-lovely thoughts I've entertained from time to time:
1) If you yell "HELP!" one. more. time. without a really, really, REALLY good reason for it, I am going to come down there, shut the door, and give you a good dose of pillow therapy.
2) Sure, go ahead and sign out AMA. It's your choice. Just a reminder, though: if you leave, your insurance won't pay for your stay. Better yet, you won't be my responsibility anymore.........and believe me, I won't miss you.
3) I don't give a rodent's rump that you're related to the hospital administrator! The AMI patient down the hall who just went into V-tach needs me more than you need another blanket.
4) Thank you for asking me to check out your grandchildrens' photos, but I have a strict policy of never touching patients' wallets, and frankly, I don't have the time to breathe, let alone stand here looking at pictures of people I don't even know.
5) Yanno, when MY doctor prescribes water pills, I take them no matter how much I hate having to pee every 20 minutes. That's why I'm not in here for CHF, and you are.
6) No, "Mamma" is NOT going to get better, and if I were in her shoes, I'd haunt you for the rest of your days for keeping me 'alive' on a ventilator with my wrists tied down so I don't yank on the tubes coming out of my every orifice. She's had two major strokes and an MI, she's full of osteoporosis, and she has an advanced directive saying she didn't want any heroic measures if she ever got into a situation like this. What part of 'Do Not Resuscitate' don't you understand?
7) Please don't come to the ER for a sore throat that you've had for two weeks, demand refills on your soda pop every five minutes, and then complain loudly to your companion about the "lousy service" you're getting.
?Yes, I have seen something like that before. In fact, I've seen things you can't even imagine that are a whole lot worse.
9) It is NOT my job to: answer your phone/find you some napkins/take out your trash/send out for pizza/pick up after your visitors/run a message to your friend down the hall/go to the kitchen to fetch a tray for your brother/cater to your every whim. (I've done all these things and more for my patients; it's just not what I was educated and trained for, and you need to know that.)
10) I apologize for my cynicism, but experience has taught me that multiplying the number of drinks/pills/hits you admit to having taken by three or more tends to give me a more accurate picture of what's really going on with you.
11) I'm actually a very kind, compassionate, caring individual, but some folks make me wonder if God made man NOT in His own image, but so that skunks wouldn't think they've been given a dirty deal.
I had a patient ask me how long it took to get a waitress around here. I quickly responded, "You might be waiting quite a long time sir. But if you need a nurse just let me know K? Oh and by the way make sure you leave a good tip!!!" I couldn't believe it.
No Im sorry I cant stop doing chest compressions on this patient to turn your mothers television down. You cant see the down arrow? (yes this seriously happened. The daughter walked right into the room where we were coding a pt and told me her mothers television was too loud and would I mind just running it to turn it down? Afterall it would only take a second....OMG are you kidding me????
I wish that some things you could say to pt families. I had this patient that was shot in the neck by his WIFES boyfriend which causes my pt to be a quad for life. The wife just couldn't understand why his family didn't like her go figure. So one day see comes in yelling at the pt about his family telling him its not her fault the guy shot him OMG I thought I would bite my tongue of because she was the one who brought the guy to their house. This women was so difficult lied about everything didn't matter what it was. Finally she got removed from our hospital because she had stolen money from another pt family members purse in the waiting room and going to other floors asking for money from different families thank god they finally got rid of her. I know everyone is thinking why did the pt want her in the room to start with after she helped him get shot go figure he said he wanted to make her suffer. The things that I wanted to say! I have never seen so many people with disfunctional relationships in all my life.:imbar I am very happy to read some of these post they are so funny and true.
that was funny! it make me laugh. i like your last part that "your educated and trained for, and you need to know that"... i do look forward to my nursing career!
Since I've presented my top 10 list of the things I love about nursing, it's time now for a visit to the darker side.
Here are some decidedly UN-lovely thoughts I've entertained from time to time:
1) If you yell "HELP!" one. more. time. without a really, really, REALLY good reason for it, I am going to come down there, shut the door, and give you a good dose of pillow therapy.
2) Sure, go ahead and sign out AMA. It's your choice. Just a reminder, though: if you leave, your insurance won't pay for your stay. Better yet, you won't be my responsibility anymore.........and believe me, I won't miss you.
3) I don't give a rodent's rump that you're related to the hospital administrator! The AMI patient down the hall who just went into V-tach needs me more than you need another blanket.
4) Thank you for asking me to check out your grandchildrens' photos, but I have a strict policy of never touching patients' wallets, and frankly, I don't have the time to breathe, let alone stand here looking at pictures of people I don't even know.
5) Yanno, when MY doctor prescribes water pills, I take them no matter how much I hate having to pee every 20 minutes. That's why I'm not in here for CHF, and you are.
6) No, "Mamma" is NOT going to get better, and if I were in her shoes, I'd haunt you for the rest of your days for keeping me 'alive' on a ventilator with my wrists tied down so I don't yank on the tubes coming out of my every orifice. She's had two major strokes and an MI, she's full of osteoporosis, and she has an advanced directive saying she didn't want any heroic measures if she ever got into a situation like this. What part of 'Do Not Resuscitate' don't you understand?
7) Please don't come to the ER for a sore throat that you've had for two weeks, demand refills on your soda pop every five minutes, and then complain loudly to your companion about the "lousy service" you're getting.
8) Yes, I have seen something like that before. In fact, I've seen things you can't even imagine that are a whole lot worse.
9) It is NOT my job to: answer your phone/find you some napkins/take out your trash/send out for pizza/pick up after your visitors/run a message to your friend down the hall/go to the kitchen to fetch a tray for your brother/cater to your every whim. (I've done all these things and more for my patients; it's just not what I was educated and trained for, and you need to know that.)
10) I apologize for my cynicism, but experience has taught me that multiplying the number of drinks/pills/hits you admit to having taken by three or more tends to give me a more accurate picture of what's really going on with you.
11) I'm actually a very kind, compassionate, caring individual, but some folks make me wonder if God made man NOT in His own image, but so that skunks wouldn't think they've been given a dirty deal.
You really summed up alot of those dark thoughts that have @ times crossed my 30+ years of experiance as a nurse. It further proves a point I've made to other nurses over these long years... that only another nurse can truly understand how we feel. Thank you.
I have laughed so hard that I blew my iced tea all over the screen.
It was such a busy hard week at work. All the patients were sure that they were owed something now. The management staff were sure that we could give everything to all patients. this was good relief.:)
As an OB nurse I don't always see women at their "best". My most often thought is "You really should be nice to me, I control your pain medication!" :-D
Love "Viva Las Viejas" post. I have been plagued with heavy- read very heavy pts who are suffering due to high glu, high BP and demanding food requests. I will never tell you- please look into non fast food diet. Lose a bit. Get off your a@#$% and walk. Could you get out of bed without my 2 nursing assistants and me to get you off your butt.? Our obesity epidemic hits us first hand. Work and care for pts. Teach and have students. Boosting them all. Venting sorry. Aching back and hip.
Specializes in Hospice, ONC, Tele, Med Surg, Endo/Output.
I've been a bedside nurse for 4 years now and I never find these little rants funny. Maybe I'm lucky that the majority of my patients don't act the way you describe. I do my share of complaining with my colleagues, but your post comes off as hateful and arrogant.
Boy, you're no fun. Lighten up already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Specializes in Hospice, ONC, Tele, Med Surg, Endo/Output.
Great post!
We have a couple of pts on our unit right now that I would really, really love to use pillow therapy on! In fact, I offered to aliby one nurse who was wanting to do it. "Nurse Z was with me for the past 1/2 hour cleaning up a major code brown. She wasn't any where near Pt X when he suddenly stopped breathing"
livinthedreamRN
54 Posts
I had a patient ask me how long it took to get a waitress around here. I quickly responded, "You might be waiting quite a long time sir. But if you need a nurse just let me know K? Oh and by the way make sure you leave a good tip!!!" I couldn't believe it.