Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

rph3664 · Sep 23, 2008

Cutting up a downed tree with a chainsaw while wearing shorts and sandals is a bad idea. What's REALLY a bad idea is to not hold the chainsaw away from your body while trimming the branches off. It sucks when a branch bounces back, and knocks the chainsaw into your knee.
Since it's a brand new chain, even though the chain saw was only idling, it'll take a chunk out of your flesh before you know it.
My hubby gets credit for this one. He was extremely lucky. No bone or muscle damage and it's healing up nicely.

I was told once that the #1 way to prevent lawn mower injuries is to wear shoes while mowing the lawn. Not flipflops, not bare feet, but SHOES.

It's also not a good idea to unclog the discharge vent by hand.

country mom · Sep 24, 2008

MRO??? What's that stand for?

MRO= Medical Review Officer- that's the doc who reviews federally-required drug screens.

country mom · Sep 24, 2008

I was told once that the #1 way to prevent lawn mower injuries is to wear shoes while mowing the lawn. Not flipflops, not bare feet, but SHOES.
It's also not a good idea to unclog the discharge vent by hand.

Add to that, NEVER, NEVER, allow an extra rider (i.e. a child) on the lawnmower with you.

Natkat, BSN, MSN, RN · Oct 3, 2008

Me too; like does he need a man and a woman?

Huh?

Um, people can be penetrated anally by women too. Also please know that the desire for anal stimulation does not equal "gay". Also, not all gay men enjoy that sort of thing.

Oh never mind.

peridotgirl · Oct 3, 2008

Huh?
Um, people can be penetrated anally by women too. Also please know that the desire for anal stimulation does not equal "gay". Also, not all gay men enjoy that sort of thing.
Oh never mind.

one question: How???

cherrybreeze, ADN, RN · Oct 4, 2008

While objects up the rectum have been covered MANY times, here are a few things I've learned from my patients not to stick up there:

*a spray deodorant can (sad outcome, this guy actually died from complications from his bowel resection...it was REALLY far up there, I couldn't believe the xray)

*a potato (and don't jokingly ask your nurse if she has any sour cream because you're still drunk post op...she's not laughing WITH you)

*a toilet brush (bristle end FIRST, and THEN ride your BICYCLE to the hospital....you'll end up with a colostomy)

When one of the above patients come in, confiscate his water bottle...the actual contents of it, while clear, probably led to insertion of one of the above objects.

Never underestimate what an inmate will swallow to get away from the pen for a night...spoons, typewriter keys...

You'll anger your nurse if you have had a thoracotomy, still have your chest tubes and epidural in, and she catches you having sex. If you feel that good, expect that order to have your epi dc'd to come REAL quick.

If you try to bite and or spit at your nurse, don't call her a whore when she ties you down.

Don't tell your nurse you haven't slept all night long and want your Ambien at 5am when for every hour she's rounded on you, you've been sawing logs....on the same token, do not tell your surgeon when he rounds in the am that you've been in severe pain all night either, when you've either been sleeping all night and have told your nurse how great you feel when she DOES have to wake you. :yawn:

Don't try to inject vodka through a PICC line.

When you've had multiple admissions/psych consults for recurring abcesses in varying places on your body (that curiously all grow out e.coli), don't let your nurse catch you picking at your wound with suture removal scissors in an attempt to "debride it." Also, don't expect your nurse to take your temperature after you've been in the bathroom with the hot water running for 10 minutes.

Your nurse can tell the difference between an actual emesis, and food that's been chewed up and spit out in an emesis bag (same patient as above). If you ARE nauseated, don't ask for your phenergan and your dinner tray at the same time....they probably won't believe you.

Don't complain that you've been kept up all night with blood draws, CT scans, EKG's, and the like, when you've complained of chest pain and absolutely deny that it just *might* be gas pain.

Don't try to deny it when caught smoking in your room. You just can't hide the fact. The nurse won't ask you if you HAVE been smoking, she'll ask you where your cigarettes are...and you'll be so surprised you'll hand them right over.

If you insist on going outside to smoke, don't be surprised when your nurse asks you to sign out AMA until you return. There's always a chance you WON'T come back.

Don't turn off your IV pump because the beeping is annoying, and then wonder why your PCA doesn't seem to be helping, or get mad that your site has now clotted off and you need a new one.

Don't insist that the nurses are barbaric when they want you to ambulate the SAME DAY YOU HAD SURGERY (*gasp*). The theory of lying in bed "until you're all healed" went out DECADES ago....you're not smarter than they are.

***I know these aren't NEARLY as hilarious/dramatic, etc, as most of the posts I've read here...and heaven knows I can't think of the best ones right now...but, all in a day's work in med/surg, right?*** :nurse: :rolleyes:

10MG-IV · Oct 4, 2008

Clinics cna be just as interesting as any ER, especially when patient's call you for advise and don;t want to follow thru. Can't make the patient go to the ER.

Don't complain about the wait in the ER when you had an appointment with your doctor at 1300 and you haven't been seen yet in the ER, and it is 1400.

Just a friendly FYI....office staff. esp the secretary always tells the "client" go to the ER.....

Don't tell them to "GO TO THE ER", We see more of your moles colds and sore holes. IT IS NOT AN EMERGENCY.

That is what causes the ungodly wait. And while I am on the subject, have your doctor make them a Direct Admit.

Pediatric Critical Care Columnist · Oct 5, 2008

Here's one from recent experience:

Don't bring your medically complex and profoundly disabled 19 month old with respiratory distress to the ER and immediately start threatening to call your lawyer when she isn't directly admitted to PICU. When she's been examined by the ER physician and found not to require intubation or anything much more than some Ventolin, don't call the PICU attending on your cell phone and insist he come down and assess her. When he does and says, "She doesn't need PICU," don't insist that he's wrong and that she be admitted there posthaste. And then when you've gotten the DON and the medical director out of bed and finally gotten your own way, don't tell anyone who'll listen that the staff members are all racist, that no one would listen to you that your baby was critically ill when her heart rate is 110, she's breathing in the 20's, is satting 97% on 2 1/2 litres and is sound asleep, that they treated you so horribly that you had to call your lawyer in the middle of the night to get someone to listen to you. DON'T then leave her with the staff in the first half hour to "make a conference call" and not come back for the rest of the day. Do you really think your behaviour is going to get your baby good care, or is it more likely that no one will want to even go into the room because if their name's not on the chart they can't be named in the suit?

rph3664 · Oct 5, 2008

Here's one from recent experience:
Don't bring your medically complex and profoundly disabled 19 month old with respiratory distress to the ER and immediately start threatening to call your lawyer when she isn't directly admitted to PICU. When she's been examined by the ER physician and found not to require intubation or anything much more than some Ventolin, don't call the PICU attending on your cell phone and insist he come down and assess her. When he does and says, "She doesn't need PICU," don't insist that he's wrong and that she be admitted there posthaste. And then when you've gotten the DON and the medical director out of bed and finally gotten your own way, don't tell anyone who'll listen that the staff members are all racist, that no one would listen to you that your baby was critically ill when her heart rate is 110, she's breathing in the 20's, is satting 97% on 2 1/2 litres and is sound asleep, that they treated you so horribly that you had to call your lawyer in the middle of the night to get someone to listen to you. DON'T then leave her with the staff in the first half hour to "make a conference call" and not come back for the rest of the day. Do you really think your behaviour is going to get your baby good care, or is it more likely that no one will want to even go into the room because if their name's not on the chart they can't be named in the suit?

Gee, I wonder why this person couldn't get respite care.......

Lindz · Oct 7, 2008

Cologne, after shave, and vanilla extract. Nyquil too, at least it used to be. I'm not sure if it still has the same kick.

Nyquil is 10% alcohol. I actually got carded at Target this weekend buying Nyquil. I suppose I should take that as a compliment.

grace90, LPN, LVN · Oct 7, 2008

Nyquil is 10% alcohol. I actually got carded at Target this weekend buying Nyquil. I suppose I should take that as a compliment.

Vanilla extract, almond extract, and the like, are sometimes 20-30% alcohol. I'm surprised no one gets carded for these. I remember actually drinking peppermint and vanilla extract as a teen, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Yeah, I know, GROSS!!!!!! :imbar

kbnocturna · Oct 15, 2008

Do not deliberately wet yourself, because you like the young nursing tech who has to change you. After she has to clean up around your erection several times, she will spray the really cold peri-cleanser directly on your genitalia, and then act surprised and apologetic when you jump and moan and cry about how cold it is. She will also, very sweetly explain that she has to spray it on you, because repeated incontinence can cause skin breakdown, and she has to spray it on you from now on. (Patient amazingly developed the ability to use the urinal after that.)

Do not grab the boob of the tech who is changing you (different patient), especially when you have grabbed it once already, and she has given you a stern warning not to do it again. She may shove your arm away as hard as she can, and it may bang against the bedrail and cause you a lot of pain (I didn't feel too badly about hurting him).

Do not expect the staff to believe that you're having chest pain of 10/10 if you ask for food, TV, and pain meds within 2 minutes of being admitted onto the telemetry unit.

Do not rudely and repeatedly demand food when your blood sugar is over 350, and then expect the staff not to laugh at you whe you call the tech in to your room to help you open the mayo and mustard packets that came with your dinner so you can eat them. :uhoh3:

Do not repeatedly rip off your telemetry, especially when you're 4 days post-CABG, and you're in a-fib, hr 120's to 180's, because you think the tech is hot, and you want to sexually harrass her and grab her boob in front of your wife. She will tell the telemetry tech (me) what happened, and the telemetry tech will go into your room, rip the telemetry patches off your very hairy chest, replace them, explain (very sweetly) that ''we're having trouble picking up your heart monitor, and those old patches just weren't working." And after she spends 10 more minutes with you, trying to convince you to leave your telemetry on, while you make more comments about the tech (right in front of her), she will inform you (again, very sweetly) that she will be fixing your telemetry for the rest of the shift, because it's really important to watch your heart, no, we don't make coffee this early, and she really, really hopes your patches work this time, because it would be a shame to have to replace them again. That was the longest he left his leads on in 2 days. :lol2:

Never underestimate the strength of an 85 lb, 93 year old Alzhemier's woman who wants her chewing tobacco, when you have been instructed by the nurse not to let her have it.

If you ask the nursing staff if you can have some privacy to give your husband a BJ for his birthday, when he is admitted with chest pain, you will be laughed about for weeks.

Do not eat McDonalds for breakfast when you're supposed to be NPO for your stress test. You will code, develop aspiration pneumonia, and end up dying in ICU on a vent.

Do not dig up your 400 lb rectum, because the prune juice isn't working, and pharmacy isn't sending up your laxative fast enough. The tech who has to spend 20 minutes scrubbing your hands with a toothbrush will not be too gentle.

Do not get in a battle of wills with the one nurse on the floor who seems to love restraining ppl. Your behaviour can very easily be interpreted as combative. You will lose the battle. (I loved working with her, she didn't put up with any bull from anyone.)

Do not forget to watch your children as you visit your dad in the hospital. They will play with the phone, dial the hospital's violence hotline, and the operator will call the desk, to tell the secretary that there are children on the line. Poor lady was so embarrassed. It would have been worse if the operator had called security like the protocol said to.