Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

Nurses Humor

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Never....NEVER...cut a potato in half and use it as a pessary! :eek:

Anybody got anything to add?

Oh! If you don't know whether or not the babysitter gave your kid (under ten years old, I believe) his .... it was either ambien or some benzo, I forget now, do not give another one! Grrrrrrrrrrrr..................

If your 4-year-old nephew, who you are babysitting, isn't being perfectly obedient (BECAUSE HE'S FOUR YEARS OLD), do not give him one of your own child's Ritalin tablets.

:imbar

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If your 4-year-old nephew, who you are babysitting, isn't being perfectly obedient (BECAUSE HE'S FOUR YEARS OLD), do not give him one of your own child's Ritalin tablets.

:imbar

What? You mean drugs aren't the answer to EVERY problem? :banghead:

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What? You mean drugs aren't the answer to EVERY problem? :banghead:

I was told that story by the boy's grandmother, who was a nurse and with whom he was living with his brother and their father, who had just gotten divorced from their mom who wasn't paying child support and that's why they were living with their grandmother.

:(

p.s. I read in a book about thalidomide that a lot of parents would give that to their children if they were misbehaving or being annoying, because it would sedate them for a while. This was in the 1950s so it doesn't sound like much has changed.

:eek:

And before that, it was paregoric or opium.

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Never get your buddies to help you trim the top of your 6 foot hedge by lifting a running lawn mower 6 feet into the air

Never continue to inject insulin into the same abscessed spot on your thigh, and then debate about getting it checked out when you begin to see chunks of fat and a glimpse of bone on your thigh

Never attempt to inject yourself with heroin via your central line (the one the IV nurse spent so much time trying to place because all of your veins were shot) and then end up pulling the line out in the heroin injection process

Never let your wife use a key ring as a cock ring

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Specializes in ICU, Telemetry.

Don't decide the way to deal with your constipation (which was d/t a TON of narcotics) is to drink your grandmother's golytely prep. That resulted in the person dying, actually, because their bowel perforated -- and all those lovely narcotics and the fact that the person's BMI was roughly 50 masked the symptoms until she started throwing up bowel contents. Not a nice way to go.

Don't get mad because I don't take down the contact precautions just because you state "you feel fine" (MRSA in nares, wound, skin, and probably eyebrows....)

Don't swing at my very pregnant CNA just because you're in the hospital going thru the DTs and think you can get away with it. You can't, as your rapid introduction to the security staff, and the following trip to the sheriff's department will attest. And more's the pity, you'll be back next month, just like you've been here every month since I've worked here....

Don't act surprised when you hit the door at 2350 with c/o back pain after a single vehicle MVA demanding narcotics, ending every sentence with "...or I'll sue you" and the doctor d/c's you at 0530 the following morning. Threatening us and being obnoxious doesn't make us treat you better, but it did get you a drug screen/ETOH level before we gave you anything, and a discrete call to the local police by your admitting physician. Have a nice 6 months in jail.

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I have learned that if you do NOT want to end up on the psych ward, then do NOT "joke" that you should just "shoot yourself" or "leap out the window" or anything expression of that sort.

It is not a joke to the hospital staff. They will take you seriously.

They will send you to psych and you will be really angry with yourself because you are now on a locked ward with a bunch of loopy-loos trying to prove to the staff you weren't serious.

We just got another "jokester" the other night and he's NOT happy.

He said, "I won't toss THAT expression about casually again!"

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Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..
You know i would wonder about my "husband" if he allowed me to stick things up his butt for sexual gratification:eek: :smackingf :redlight:
Me too; like does he need a man and a woman?
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Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..

To nasty interns: Never be nasty to a patient who is also a nurse. She may just know more tricks than you. Yes, and she got you too, didn't she. That made you respect her a bit.

To Psych staff: Those of you who do not know the patient, and give a false evaluation, could be sued. Do you know that? Especially when you place said patient anti schitzo drugs, and the patient suffers side effects. NOT A VERY NICE THING TO DO!!!!:banghead:

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I've never actually had a patient yet, but I have learned things from people who became patients when I was younger.

Never assume the glass of white milky liquid on the washing machine is milk, even if you are very thirsty. If you do assume that don't drink it so quickly you can't taste what it is. You will quickly learn that it was not milk and end up in the ER with pretty nasty chemical burns. Luckily you will recover, and probably never drink milk again.

Don't bet your friends a dollar and a soda that you won't light your pants on fire. If you do it's better to lose the bet than end up in the hospital with 2nd and 3rd degree burns over your legs and abdomen.

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Drinking bleach just before a urine drug screen will not "clean" you up.

The UDS collector will not lie on the temp reading just out of the goodness of his/her heart because you "look" like a nice guy.

A bag of urine taped to your back will show through a white t-shirt.

The following excuses will not "cover" you in the event of a positive drug screen:

"I ate venison, the deer must have been eating weed."

"My friend put weed in the chili". (Me to MRO-- "how do you make chili with marijuana?" MRO to me-- "I don't know, I didn't ask for the recipe.")

No we will not do complimentary drug screens before the "real" one to make sure you're "clean" before you go apply for a job.

No I cannot change Federal Motor Carrier regs when it isn't convenient for you to follow them. No you cannot "sit out" on this random draw because you know your #1 guy has been partying and I don't care if he is your son.

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Specializes in ortho/neuro/general surgery.

Cutting up a downed tree with a chainsaw while wearing shorts and sandals is a bad idea. What's REALLY a bad idea is to not hold the chainsaw away from your body while trimming the branches off. It sucks when a branch bounces back, and knocks the chainsaw into your knee. :eek:

Since it's a brand new chain, even though the chain saw was only idling, it'll take a chunk out of your flesh before you know it. :no:

My hubby gets credit for this one. He was extremely lucky. No bone or muscle damage and it's healing up nicely. :rolleyes:

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Specializes in ortho/neuro/general surgery.
(Me to MRO-- "how do you make chili with marijuana?" MRO to me-- "I don't know, I didn't ask for the recipe.")

MRO??? What's that stand for?

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