Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

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Never....NEVER...cut a potato in half and use it as a pessary! :eek:

Anybody got anything to add?

Never peel green chiles then reach down to scratch your man parts without washing your hands first....YEOW!

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Oh my...so looking like your behind is having a great idea really isn't a great idea? :idea:

Was this person at least environmentally aware enough to use a CFL? :lol2:

Oh, man. Hadn't thought about that. How would they insert it - twist or shove?

:smokin:

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Never peel green chiles then reach down to scratch your man parts without washing your hands first....YEOW!

Well.....at least it wasn't your eyes......:lol2:

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Well.....at least it wasn't your eyes......:lol2:

Don't eat, drink, or rub your eyes after applying capsaicin cream without washing your hands either.

BTDT.

I use it on my feet, and always apply it with a tissue.

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Specializes in Emergency/Trauma.

Never play with your friends' "pet" raccoon and then be shocked that they won't have it killed and you have to get through a whole series of rabies shots "just to be safe"

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Specializes in Paediatrics, Orthopeodics, ENT, General.

Don't ignore the large label on the jug in the ward fridge that says "CAUTION: BOWEL PREP" and give your toddler a large drink while visiting Grandpa. The results will be nasty, and you will be awake a lot that night!:smackingf

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Specializes in Medical.
Never peel green chiles then reach down to scratch your man parts without washing your hands first....YEOW!

Or (as a friend of mine did) change a tampon. Yeah, you'll only do that once...

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Specializes in RN CRRN.

Never apply capsaicin cream to your neck or whatever right after a shower....you won't do that twice either....

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Specializes in Critical Care, Flight Nurse, ER.

reminds me of the girl who came into the ER with the complaint that she and her boyfriend couldn't find the condom he had on after they finished. She said that she made herself vomit but didn't see it in the vomit, would someone check to see if it was still "in there".

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Specializes in Critical Care, Flight Nurse, ER.
:rotfl: :rotfl: This brings to mind the young couple that found that plastic wrap does not make a good emergency condom. :roll The paramedics that answered the 911 were still laughing when they arrived at ER!:) The ER doc found it difficult to "break the seal"!:chuckle :chuckle

-use a vibrator 30 times in one day...

-ignore signs posted at the top of slippery waterfalls which elaborate on the dangers of climbing on slippery waterfalls...

-take my 5 year old for a ride on my 4-wheeler barefoot & without a helmet after watchin' the game & drinkin' some brewskis w/ my buddies...

- fall on a knife so that it goes into my abdomen- three times...

- steal a defibrillator & try to sell it on the corner right outside the hospital i stole it from...

-swat at a fly with a boxcutter...

-put battery acid on my infected cut to 'boil out the infection'...

-cut my wrist after a fight with my girlfriend when i have a history of sickle cell anemia, MI, PE, DVT, CVA, and am on massive doses of coumadin...then announce that the only thing that will help my pain is 100 mg of IV demerol q15 min & demand a new nurse when i don't get it then then deny street drug use even though the tox screen is positive for coke, pot, and opioids...

Don't be the girl who came into the office complaining of rectal bleeding. send her for colonoscopy that finds "Significant abrasions in the rectal vault and orifice as well as Grade 3 internal hemorrhoids", and become indignant when you're told to stop having anal sex because that is what is causing the bleeding.

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Specializes in CVICU.

Never stick your member in a lotion bottle (yes, it may get stuck). On the same subject, never do this and then pass out with the lotion bottle still stuck on your member.... (Darwin award candidate for sure!)

Never take an overdose to grab someone's attention and then call your friends and tell them. You're just going to get charcoaled and then spend three days in the psych ward.

On the same note, never take a tylenol overdose to grab someone's attention and then a day later, decide to tell them about it. It may seem innocuous, but you can die!

Always read the labels on medication boxes as a lot of them do contain acetaminophen (a girl's parents actually killed her by accidentally ODing her on acetamiophen).

Don't drink and then go for a ride on your motorcycle without a helmet (the guy still had the Budweiser wrist bracelet on that says "Drink Responsibly")

Never try to stick anything up your @ss that wasn't specifically made for that purpose (for example, I've seen a Clorox Bleach pen, a vibrator that was still humming, and Chapstick, among other things).

Never go for a ride without your seatbelt (that's a given)!

Don't pretend that even though you haven't had a period in like 9 months and have gained a bit of weight, that you're not pregnant!

If you have any kind of open sore that isn't healing (especially if you are diabetic), don't wait until you can no longer walk or use that body part to seek medical attention! If you're toe is black it can and will fall off!

Don't live in a home that does not have smoke detectors or carbon monoxide alarms. If your home doesn't, please go out and buy a couple!

If grandma doesn't look good and hasn't gotten out of bed today, you may want to check for a pulse and/or call 911! We don't enjoy pretending to code your family member when they are already rigored!

Please, please, please, before having major surgery, have an advanced directive! Do you really want to be trached and g-tubed for the rest of your miserable life?

Don't call an ambulance for something stupid like a sore throat, a minor sprain, or for a pregnancy test. We know you aren't paying for the ride and that you really don't care that someone else is. If you think calling the ambulance for this stuff will get you into the ER more quickly, you are wrong. We can have you get up and walk off the cart into the waiting room just like everyone else who is there for a non-emergency.

If you are complaining of abdominal pain, we won't take you seriously when we see you in your room eating a bag of Cheetos.

Don't drink liquid fiberglass to kill yourself. It will cause you to slough out your intestines and for you to literally turn hard.

Don't tell us that you haven't been doing drugs. We are smart and have magical tests that show us exactly what you haven't been doing.

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Specializes in CVICU.

never attempt to go down six flights of stairs dragging an IV pole

LMAO

On that same note, never go outside the hospital and down the street and then try to board the bus while still in your gown with you IV pole and pumps! It looks a bit suspicious!

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